Ok deep breath...
I'm struggling a bit at the mo...nothing new there, coming out as Jessica to my wife some years back hasn't solved my problems...if anything it has left me with more choices and greater uncertainty....
So why post this, well I need to learn to ' see the wood for the trees' and sometimes other peoples perspectives can do this, and I guess there may be others who are feeling the same way it nice to know you not the only one...
7-8 years ago I would never ever have dreamed of going out of the house dressed, other than some pitiful covert drive around the block with my heart pounding.....fast forward to the present and my life is unrecognisable in many ways, I still operate as a man, husband and father but I reasonably frequently 2 -3 times per month with friends I get to go shopping, go out for meals, cinema, coffee, beauty salons etc etc, (you get the picture) as Jessica, I leave the house dressed and return that way...my children know, and are coping with the news with apparent ease, and whilst my wife struggles she tries sooo hard to find a way to accept at least on some level.
I have been able to express my femininity in the home to a controlled degree and family discussions over the colour of my toe nails and newest wigs have been and gone without causing a stir.....
It should be utopia, I should be so happy , content and enjoying the dual life but its just not working out that way...
I have always considered my self a cross dresser, by that I mean somewhere at the start of the trans scale, it is not about clothing so much as an expression of what is within, but I have never considered myself Transsexual...I don't want to be ...I cant bare the thought of loosing the relationship I have....but I am feeling at a loss to explain my mood of recent, I have an aching feeling constantly in side that it is not enough, I was at the cinema the other night and was just sitting there feeling a fraud...I hated being in a wig it wasn't my hair, I just didn't feel authentically feminine enough......it wasn't about what I was wearing it was that my body was male...and its frightening me.
I have made an agreement with my wife that there are no hormones in the marriage, and in truth if I hadn't done that I am almost certain I would be on them now....for the first time in my life I am considering transitioning at some stage....and that is crazy, not wishing to offend but it is such a hard gig to live out, relationship wise, job wise, friends etc etc....and yet each passing day the unthinkable is becoming the possible .....
do I just need to give my self a slap and wake up, have I been given too much rope and now I am hanging myself, will this phase pass and I will start to appreciate what I have rather than what I don't.....
I have started to research the impact of hormones, can a transition be done at a slower pace 5-6+ years or is it jump on the express train of 2-3 and can you still pass as male after 2-3 years on hormones at least job wise or does breast development mean its not a realistic option?
How do I learn to live and appreciate what I have and avoid detonating a relationship/life nuclear bomb in the form of taking hormones and transitioning ....Help..!!