a little sad tonight

[Victoria Demeanor]

Good evening everyone,
My wife should be coming home by the end of the week and I am happy about that. At this point it’s not a matter of if I’m going to tell her, but rather when. This has been such a wild ride, I feel like I finally opened the bottle and everything came flooding in so fast. Really it has only been three months since I came to terms with what I wanted to do my whole life and wow I started with some old items that I’ve had forever and now I have a nice little wardrobe, accessories, heels…….I have more heels now then my boy shoes….and makeup. I’ve really been learning so much about makeup, though I still need much practice, eyeliner seems to be my nemesis. I’ve been out and about several times and not just to gay bars I actually sat and had dinner at Denny’s one night and I stopped at my local 7-11 to pick up something’s totally dressed. I’m not boasting it’s just that I let Victoria out and she really took control. I would also like to say that this forum has been a big part of that and so much help.
So why am I sad? I have spent the night packing and hiding all my girly things. I don’t want my wife to come home and stumble on something before I can talk to her. She’d jump to conclusions and that wouldn’t be good. This awakening has been so good for me and I have learned so much about myself and there is so much more that I want to do. I know it will come, but now I just have to temper my emotions and prepare myself for the “big talk” but OMG packing up my dresses, going back to wearing my boxers, and my heels…. I love heels… yes I’m a grown man crying about not being able to look pretty. Putting this all away for now has just got me down. You have all been a big help and thank you all for listening sorry for the rambling, but I’ve had a couple two three drinks tonight.
Thank you all, keep doing what you do best, being yourselves.
Love ya
Victoria

[Jenniferathome]

Best of luck Victoria. It can work. Get it all out, one time, total honesty. But keep it short. Then listen and answer questions.

[Marcelle]

Hi Victoria,

If you have made the decision to tell your wife then as Jenn suggested, keep it short and to the point. Allow her time to synthesize what you are telling her as it may be a bit of a shock to her system. Don't be surprised if she reacts negatively at first (it is a lot to handle) and give her breathing room if she does. Once she has had some space, approach the subject again to see where she stands. If she is open to talking about it, encourage questions and respond honestly. If you are not sure of the response don't put yourself in a position of promising something you are not sure you can keep. For example if she says, "Are you planning to go dressed because I sure hope you don't" and you respond with "No" knowing full well you did and still plan to . . . that will not go well. After the cat is out of the bag . . . communication, communication and more communication. You will most likely go through the "boundaries" phase (what you can both live with and without) these need to be mutually agreed upon IMHO (not one sided). She should not feel pressured to cave to your every desire and you should not accept every condition if you know you cannot and will not be able to keep that promise. If boundaries are not agreed upon mutually, eventually one party will begin to feel slighted, resentful and angry . . . recipe for disaster. It is about compromise.

Finally, bear in mind with the big reveal there are only two possible outcomes: (1) acceptance on some level; or (2) relationship ends.

Good luck and we are all here for you.

Hugs

Isha

[Susi]

I also wish you good luck, Victoria. I'm sure everything will be fine. Thanks for sharing this moment with us.

[Victoria Demeanor]

Thank you for your advice and for listening, I think I was being a bit of a drama queen last night. Putting all my girl stuff away just made me sad. One thing I am not worried about with my wife is her leaving. We have a strong bond and have been through so much together that something like this could never break us up. I know she'll give me acceptance, but I guess my fears would be the boundaries issued and how much if any participation she wants. Of course my dream would be for her to help me with makeup and actually want to go out with me dressed, but we'll see.
Thank you all for your kind words and support and I'll keep you all updated.

[kimdl93]

be patient with yourself and with her. I think the number one thing to keep in mind when you share this with your wife is to make it as much about her feelings and her fears and her concerns as it is about your desires. good luck!

[justmetoo]

Wise words from the others!
Best wishes!

[Tonya Rose]

Well said Isha!!! and god luck. Victoria!!! Hugs to both of ya! GFs!

[SharonDenise]

For 40+ years my wife was the only one that shared my secret and gladly gave me her support. I told her while we were still dating. Unfortunately, she passed last year. Since then, I've told my older daughter who I knew would accept my behavior, which she did. I also told the social worker in charge of our survivor's support group. She is a professional and does not offer her own personal opinion but I can tell that I have her support. I felt compelled to tell my female "walking buddy" who I only know from walking around the park together for 10 years but we share our lives. I was afraid of how she would react, but we, I hope are as close as ever. Hopefully, your wife will be a gem like mine was. I've also recently joined a local cross dresser organization. Maybe there is one in your area that you can join.

[MissTee]

Great advice from the others here. Best of luck to you, Victoria.

[Alice Torn]

It must be put into perspective. I remember a major league baseball player, who , when on national guard duty, lost part of his thumb. He felt so much self pity, until he saw guys with arms gone, or feet gone, from Viet Nam. Just think of a dresser, who finds he has to go to jail for a while, or prison, or is suddenly homeless. Things are kind of a bummer, but not as bad as they could be.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It's ok to be a drama queen, if that's how you want to put it, and we all understand so well how sad it feels to have to lock our femme side up again, once she's tasted freedom. Your relationship sounds strong- perhaps your fears are a little extreme? I hope it goes well. It might be a total anticlimax, she might not be completely surprised. I'm sure she'll see you're hurting and you obviously care a great deal for one another.

Good luck, do tell us how it goes won't you.

Hugs, Nikki

[Victoria Demeanor]

Nikki, Hi and thank you for your comment. You changed your avatar I see, took me a moment. Well I guess I’m not planning on backing out and I suppose I’m thinking it will go alright since I bought some new nail polish and the cutest little tank top when I was out shopping tonight. So now I’m not quite sure of which I’m more afraid of my wife’s reaction to my revelation or Victoria if I try to put her back in the bottle. lol
I will keep you all up dated and I do appreciate all your support.
Victoria

[scarletcd]

Best of luck ! Let us know how it goes

[giuseppina]

Here's a couple of older threads about how to disclose I just posted for Erica.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ner&highlight=

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...art&highlight=

Let us know what happens.

[ashleymasters]

Victoria,

I wish you much strength and peace while you get ready to tell your wife. It can be scary to have that conversation. I had to tell my wife that I needed to email what I had to say because I couldn't speak the words. I hope she receives it well. Even if she doesn't I hope you both can find a happy middle ground. Best of luck.

[Victoria Demeanor]

UPDATE:
Well last Tuesday I did it and came out to my wife. She had just gotten home from a long trip down south and a frustrating time taking care of an aging relative. I had wanted to wait, but I was so afraid that she would come across something or something would get out and it would make things worse. At some point when she was away I had lost a fake nail and although I think it is outside the last thing I wanted was for her to find it in the house. Yes it sounds odd, but telling her that her husband of 22 years found that he loved wearing women’s cloths was preferable to her thinking I was cheating on her.
Well here is the update so far. The first night as I tried to tell her, I went round and about until she finally just screamed tell me, you are scaring me. Yes I read the advice, but easier said then done. I saw the terror in her eyes and she was lost as far as questions to ask. I cried that night, the first time I have ever cried in front of her and she finally got up and hugged me. She wasn’t happy and very weirded out and we pretty much left it at that. I told her she could ask me anything she wanted.
The next night was the comment “That really happened didn’t it?” “Yes dear” She asked a few mundane questions about my ability to walk in heels and then questioned why I wanted to go out. She was terrified that some one we might know would see me and in my flipped sort of way I said “in a gay bar?” Not the right thing to say by any means. She knows I’m not gay and doesn’t worry about that, but I could really tell her concern that night was who might find out. I found it kind of funny as she has secrets I have kept that I have never been able to talk to our friends about. I did get a little depressed that night and I clipped my nails I had been let growing.
Night three was much better. She asked if I could send her some web sites so she could learn. I gave her this site and a couple others. She asked me about my fem side and if I had a girl name. We talked a little about makeup, women cloth sizes, and about my feelings. Then something happened that I think really eased some of her concerns. She asked me about something that I bought from eBay. It was a small feminine wedding ring. As I told her my ring is very big heavy and manly. I told her that first and for most I am married to her and proud of it, but that when I got dressed I wanted a smaller ring that fit my persona. I showed it to her and it is very,, very cheap and she said that she would like to get me something better….I was floored. Yesterday we went out thrift shopping and she told me if I wanted to buy something for Victoria I could. OMG I have really wanted to find a short blazer for an outfit I’m putting together. In the shops we went our separate ways, but she showed me a few things she was looking at and gave me advice about some items I was looking at. I found the perfect cute top I wanted and she encouraged me to buy it.
So where we stand? Well I don’t know, I am giving her time. My girly stuff is in a couple of draws in the back bed room and I have given her permission to be nosy and go through it. I have told her I will answer any question she has to the best of my ability. I’m still figuring this all out myself. She is very unsure about seeing me dressed, but thought maybe next weekend she might be up to it. I have one picture of me, the one in my profile, I’ve told her she can see it, but at the moment she is still trying to adapt to it.
Anyways we are trying to work this all out and I do feel so much better that she does know now.
I ramble, that’s just me, but I did want you all know what was going on with me. If you have read through this I hope it has been informational or at least entertaining.
Love you all and as always be who you are.
Victoria D.

[justmetoo]

Thanks for the update, Victoria!
It's very scary to come out to loved ones, with the risk of losing their love and all, but so far it seems like things are going pretty well. I think your attempts to be as open as possible are very good and hopefully helping her accept this. That sounds like a good point about the wedding ring. Here's hoping it continues to go well! Baby steps.

[Nadine Spirit]

You are awesome! And she is awesome as well! Regardless of what the future brings, I think you did the right thing.

[Sarah Louise]

Well done Victoria. It sounds like a good start. Funnily enough, it's 2am as I write this. I can't sleep as I've been racking my brains while in bed next to my wife, debating whether or not to tell her and how I will go about it if I do. I've come downstairs to log on and read through some posts to help with this and came across your timely post. Thanks for sharing. Stories like yours are such a help. You're very brave. Please do keep us updated.

[MissTee]

Good for you, and it sounds like things are moving along well. Remember to take it slow and let her absorb at her pace, not yours. Also, keep communicating.

Best of luck to you and your wife!

[donnalee]

I am so happy to hear you are off to a good start! There is nothing that can make you happier than an accepting SO; You are going about it the right way, just remember to make haste slowly and don't let the Pink Fog take over.

[Krististeph]

I am not anyone special to offer advice- but i will say, take two long slow deep breaths (seriously). I feel the same as what you write, i'm fortunate enough to have had the foresight to tell my wife before she became my wife. we still have misunderstandings 25 years into a marriage-

i guess I am encouraging you to be open, calm, understanding, and realize that there is no definite answer. But if you care for the person you choose, and they love you back, you can at least talk it out.

If the other cannot deal with it, well, then they are not really comprehending the meaning of the word love, then, are they?

but do keep in touch with us all here- we really are a sisterhood. we may not be perfect, we may not always have the best answer, but we will sit with you.

[Kandi Robbins]

Victoria,

Congratulations! I just went through the same process a few years back and my wife has simply been an angel. She finally got an open, loving, attentive, caring husband as well as someone to pass shoes on to! Just remember what gift your wife has given you and pay it back every day. I am very happy for you.

Kandi

[Beverley Sims]

It is better to tel the story when the effects of the drink wear off.

All the best.