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Thread: Help!

  1. #1
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    Unhappy Help!

    Hi all, my name is Eric, you can call me Erica, as I haven't really decided on a femme name just yet...

    I'm 31 years old, married to a woman that I love very much and I have a beautiful 7 year old daughter that I love just as much. The problem is, that I'm a closeted crossdresser. I feel that there has always been a feminine side of me aching to burst out, but I've felt too scared to express it. To be honest, I'm still scared. I'm scared about what people might think or say when/if they find out. Anyway, thoughts about being a girl have gone back to my childhood. One of my few vivid memories in preschool was when I was playing with the girls in my class, I wanted to dress up like a ballerina so I put on a tutu. The teacher in the class instantly pulled me aside and scolded me, "You can't do that!" When playing with my friends in grade school, if we were playing roles, I would always want to play a female role. When I chose a female role, I would get teased and laughed at. I decided that I didn't want to get teased anymore. I just wanted to fit in. So for the next several years of my life, I stuffed these feelings down, and for the most part, succeeded living a normal life growing up from a boy to a man, even though I have these feelings in the back of my head. I eventually met the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and married her. I remember seeing her on our wedding day in her dress and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. She was perfect. Then, the thoughts started racing into my head. I would to look as beautiful as her. I felt ashamed for even thinking these thoughts on perhaps the most important day of my life......but I couldn't help it! 8 years later, and we are still together. We have build a loving family and have a house of our own, and I still want to look like a beautiful woman. I want to go out en femme, but don't have the courage. I don't have any women's clothing of my own, because, well......that would be an awkward conversation with my wife if she found them......or worse, me IN them. But every now and then she is out of the house for a few hours, and I instantly run up into the closet and start wearing her clothes.......trying on outfits rapid fire, looking in the mirror at a..........hairy bearded man wearing women's clothes. It feels so right, as long as I don't look at my face or hairy legs in the mirror. Sometimes I just wear her nightgowns and lay down in bed and I feel like I could just melt!

    That being said, I've never fully enjoyed it because I've never been able to 1)Dress without the fear of getting caught(I usually just dress for short periods of time to avoid getting caught, may I add I have never been caught in our over 8 years of marriage) 2)Fully present as female(I want to shave my body hair so bad and wear make up, but how would I explain that to my wife?) and most importantly 3)The shame afterwards hits me like a ton of bricks......I was just wearing her clothes, for pleasure nonetheless. I put myself in her shoes for a moment (not literally) and think......if my spouse did this, I think I would feel violated.

    Anyway, I want to express this side of myself, but I don't have the courage to do it. Am I just going to outright tell my wife that I like wearing women's clothes? Tell her that when she leaves the house, I go straight into her dresser? Probably not, but I am dying to express myself as a woman, and I don't know how I can pull it off with my full time job, wife and family. What I really want is for my wife to be accepting and supportive so I can truly experience it, however as much as I know she loves me, I can't see her supporting these actions, and I am absolutely mortified of thought of losing my wife and daughter. I'm so torn that I've started seeing a psychologist to help with these feelings. Anyway, part of me just needed to vent my personal frustration, but I feel like I really need some help and insight into my situations. To those of you in or that have been in similar situations, what was your experience like? Do you have any words of advice/encouragement?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I would guess that most of us here - at least those of us who are (or were) married have gone through exactly the same things you're experiencing. Since your'e already seeing a psychologist, I assume that by now you've learned that a) this isn't a crime, b) its not an illness and c) that its far more commonplace than you may have imagined. Hence the feelings of shame are something you need to rid yourself of. (I know - easier said than done - but it can be done)

    You'll find here that many, many of us have faced the same situation. Many of us have come out to our SOs/wives and lived to tell the tale...even in some cases have been able to sustain and improve our relationships. One mistake I've observed from others is just rushing, caught up in euphoria, and abruptly announcing your desire to wear women's clothes and feel girly, etc. The place where relationships go off the rails is when the Cding partner becomes self absorbed and stops thinking about the other partner's feelings.

    Instead, talk with your psychologist about how to talk with your wife. In my view, this conversation really should be about her, not you. It should focus on her fears and concerns and perhaps identify mistaken beliefs she may harbor about CDing. When you're able to hear her concerns and can address them in an honest, understandable manner, you have a good chance having your needs accommodated to some degree.

    Easy come, easy go;
    Easy left me long ago...

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    In my signature is how I told my wife, after 20 years! It is the most difficult conversation you will ever have. Keep it short, practice the speech and then listen. Answer everything honestly. No second chances so no partial answers.

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    From my few visits with the psych, I have gotten that impression. The shame is a hard one to tackle. I know it won't be easy, but I need to do some soul searching, because if I feel seriously about pursuing my female side, guilt and shame are only going to hold me back. Ultimately, I made this decision to seek help and support, but my feelings of guilt and shame keep me spiraling back to square one. One day I feel like I really need to pursue this, and then the next day I fight back the feelings and decide I want to just live a normal life without any "complications."

    I'm learning, however, that living while stuffing these feelings down and trying to ignore them may just be more of a complication than just embracing my female side for once, even if I am a man genetically speaking. I don't want to make any decisions I will regret, yet these feelings won't just go away. If anything, I'm becoming that I would regret not pursuing my female side further because I may be depriving myself from a part of........well, myself. Thank you for your support.

    Jennifer -

    I just read your "How to tell your wife" post and I could only hope that my conversation with my wife can go like that. I'm not just ready yet to dump this on her, but I need to evaluate what this would mean to our marriage. Thank you for your insight!
    Last edited by Katey888; 02-06-2015 at 08:41 AM. Reason: Consecutive posts merged - please use edit post to add to existing post rather than adding a successive post...

  5. #5
    Silver Member Jilmac's Avatar
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    Hi Erica and welcome to the forum. I understand your feelings and also your fears. There are many here who are struggling with feminine issues, the same as you are experiencing. Perhaps one way to find out your wife's attitude toward transgender, is to bring it up in conversation. It doesn't have to be about you, just something general. If her response is negative at least you'll have an indication how she might react to you.
    Luv and Jill


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  6. #6
    Diva Victoria Demeanor's Avatar
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    Hello Erica,
    As you read through these threads you will find you are not alone at all. I myself waited 50+ years to come to terms with this and let me tell you, it doesn't go away. Letting out my fem side has been the best thing I have done for my soul. I am kind of in the same position as I am about to tell my wife. let me just say don't feel ashamed, admitting these feelings to yourself is actually a very courageous thing. society tries to tell us how boys and girls should act and let me say society is wrong. Not to boast, but I have lived a mans life, I have done things that would make most men pee their panties just thinking about it. literally I have looked death in his face and cheated him every time. I now understand he has my picture on his dart board. admitting these feeling that I could cry, I could look pretty. I could wear heels was what scared the h*** out of me. Now I am embracing it and I love it. It has truly been so healthy and refreshing for me. I understand your concerns for your family, so please be careful, but know there are a lot of people here for support and help.
    Standing a long side you sister
    Victoria
    When I am still and quiet, people who do not know me think, Oh how cute she's shy.
    People who do know me think, OMG RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Girls will be boys and boys will be girls It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola

  7. #7
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    You will never know for sure what response your wife will give until you tell her and give her the chance to respond. Until then it is pure speculation. And most likely you will picture the worst possible outcomes. In my opinion what will determine the outcome more than anything else is what your current relationship is like. If you two can truly, honestly, openly, talk to each other about anything then I have faith that two people can work through this.

    Best of luck.

    Oh, and one last thing, again just my opinion, but eventually she will know and she will be the one initiating the conversation. If you are really going through her clothes that often, she probably already suspects something. I know that I would know if my wife went through my stuff and she woukd know if I had done the same. Right now, before she does it, is the only time you will have to be the one to initiate the conversation.

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    Wow! I'm overwhelmed with all the kindness, support, and understanding on this board! I've dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety through my life, and whether I chose to believe it or not, my overwhelming urge to express this side of me has been crushing me. Thank you all for helping me understand that I need to cherish this.

  9. #9
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    Eric, I have to scond what Nadine wrote. Wives recognize the most insignificant details. It's impossible to cover your tracks. There comes a braking point where she suspects or you can't hold it in any longer.

  10. #10
    Member Natalie Wood's Avatar
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    Hi Erica,

    Wow you just explained my life right back to me. I mean almost to a T. What I can tell you that may help is that when I got to the point when I was 37, I could not contain my whole self any longer. I was at my breaking point. Although I feared losing my wife and two daughters if and when I told my wife this other side of me, I feared living a life in shame, getting caught, and not being my complete self any longer. I couldn't take it as I reached my moment of truth. I remember the night I sat my wife down and told her everything. I sat with my hands over my face for about 10 minutes before I could say the words, "I wear women's clothes."

    The result: She took it as well as she could and much better than I thought she would. I was prepared for her to leave me. But that didn't happen. She embraced me and showed unconditional love towards me. At first I just could not process that 1) I told her, and 2) She accepted me. The next two weeks was us learning about All of me as she had a lot of questions every night. Here is the most important part...

    ...I can almost guarantee that your wife senses something is not quite right. She doesn't know but she can feel that something is odd. In my case, my wife suspected that I was cheating. She told me that for a long time she would snoop. She was trying to figure out what I was hiding. In her mind, it was another woman. But in actuality I was hiding Natalie. Her and I speculated what would have happened had she found any article of Natalie's clothing. She would have certainly thought that it was another woman's. She may not have believed me then if I told her about my cd'ing after the fact.

    So my advice to you is this. When you are ready, pray for courage and sit her down and tell her. If you do, you may experience the absolute best years of Eric and Erica's life. In our case, my wife and I embrace my whole self. We shop, joke, embrace and really enjoy it. I am truly blessed and I know you two can be as well.

    Feel free to reply with any questions in a PM or on the thread.

  11. #11
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Personally? I feel u r short changing both yourself AND your SO. I was forced to sneak around for only 1 year out of the 17 I've been dressing. And, it was ruining the joy of dressing for me. Since I came out to my 20 y/o daughter, neither of us is thrilled with our arrangement. But, we HAVE one and the guilt, sneaking, and story telling I was forced to do for a year is now all in the past!

    How long can u continue feeling the way u r now without ultimately damaging yourself, your SO, AND your marriage!?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  12. #12
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    Hi Erica,

    This is a common post here and you will find the community firmly divided in the "Tell" an "Don't Tell" camp. To be honest, nobody can make that decision for you because they are not you, don't know you nor do they understand/know the relationship you have with your lovely wife. So I won't preach either way but pehaps provide some certainties when it comes to the big reveal.

    1. There are only two possible outcomes (1) acceptance by you wife on some level; or (2) the relationship will not survive (it may end immediately or sputter and die at some juncture). There is no middle ground. Your wife will either embrace who you are and work within that knowledge or she will not.

    2. You can never truly be certain of your wife's reaction. You know your wife and you know her values but this is a close to home hit so just because she is open minded when it comes to the world writ large, in her own backyard that can be a different story. I am not saying this is how your wife will react but you can never be sure. Dropping hints to guage her reaction to the big reveal IMHO never really works.

    3. If this thing is eating away at you to the point of emotional turmoil (i.e., you are moody, angry, resentful, apathetic about life or depresse) then the spill over effects into your marriage are inevitable so you may wind up doing damage to your marriage by not revealing in the end or it could just blow up at which point the reveal will either be required or just happen. This is what happened to me when I entered a very dark period in my life to the point I had nothing emotionally . . . it just came out. However, if you can steal a moment or two dressing in private, get what you need from it and then go back to being a loving and supportive husband then perhaps revealinig is not a requirement at this juncture in your life.

    4. Should you choose to reveal, do so with careful thought, rehearse your speech, have responses to questions she might ask. Give her time to synthesize and don't over react if she is freaked out at first. Given her breathing room then go back in for more discussion. Once dialogue has been achieved, keep communicating. Discuss what you are both prepared to live with and without when it comes to your dressing. Don't make promises you can't keep as you will find yourself right back in the hiding mode again. Be honest, compromise (both parties) and always leave the negotiated boundaries open for negotiation at some future point.

    5. Last bit of advice . . . think carefully before you leap as once this bell is rung it cannot be silenced.

    Hugs

    Isha

  13. #13
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    soo....just my opinion, your still a pup with this so do not rush to any conclusions,
    what i can tell you is that you are going to read more about things that went well, when things go bad folks dont like to brag,
    you have to live with the consequences after the fact, could you bear not seeing your daughter as much as you wish....sooo family comes first, but if it affects things negatively then a decision must be made....i dont know that your psychologist can help with the reveal, just your feelings....take baby steps and once you have enough posts feel free to message and ask for advise if that route that is chosen....i wish you all well in either case...
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that those who deny freedom deserve it not for themselves
    NOBODY gets a pass to blow out someone else's candle in order to make theyre's shine brighter

  14. #14
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    First of all, welcome Erica... you've found this place at a critical time but do also take your time to make any earth- (or life-!) shattering decisions.

    Isha's advice is right for me - we're all different and as much as you may want to hope for the positive outcome here that many have had, it doesn't happen for everyone. Only YOU and your family bear the consequences of that: everyone else here just gets on with their shopping and socialising...

    I am one of the minority here who is secretive: there are a few of us who are successful. I'm not espousing this as a long term solution for you, as it seems that you're already suffering from repressing this passion and that ain't a good thing! You're right to get professional advice and counselling, and I'd suggest you might want to take a while to see where that leads. You might also want to take a bit of time out to pursue this side of you in a bit more depth..? As a simple way of doing this, just book into a hotel for a few days, away from home - you don't have to go out; you don't have to transform fully - just see how some unconstrained 'girl' time suits you... It won't be expensive and it might help. If you had a bigger budget (and were prepared to lose the face fuzz.. ) you could go to a transformation service and do the whole shebang.. Two temporary actions that might help guide you to further questions or some further understanding.

    I find that my desire and need to do this varies greatly. It's high at the moment for going all out with the look and socialising, but contrarily I now find I don't need to do this as much as I did at home and in private. Over time the feeling and need has gone away for years at times... I can only imagine how stupid I would have felt if had revealed all in the past with bad reactions, and then the feeling had submerged again...

    Take your time - get to your own conclusion with professional help - and remember that all you get here are opinions from those enthusiastic for this, but not responsible for your life or the outcomes of your actions...

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  15. #15
    Senior Member Gretchen_To_Be's Avatar
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    Erica, as Natalie Wood has explained, I assure you that your wife has some concerns already. Your anguish comes through clearly in your post and I have to believe it's impossible that she has not sensed something amiss. You may have made comments about her or other women's appearance that a "normal" guy would never utter. You may have lingered in a store looking at heels or dresses. There are probably many aspects of your behavior which have her wondering, even if you present as a bearded, hairy guy. Then, as Jennifer has pointed out, it's certain she has noticed you going through her things. She probably doesn't want to embarrass you and is waiting for you to tell her.

    After I told my wife, it really clicked for her. All the beautiful clothes, shoes, boots, lingerie, etc. that I had given her as gifts over the years made sense. She had often wondered why I had good fashion sense and wasn't embarrassed to shop for women's clothes, why I encouraged her to wear heels and pantyhose, etc. She admitted wondering if perhaps I had too much interest in those items. When I told her that there was a vicarious satisfaction in buying them, she understood.

    In my case it all worked out. I waited 12 years to tell her, years I won't get back. She doesn't support everything I want to do, but I can shave and dress around her now with no issue. If you look at my earlier posts, you will see it wasn't all wine and roses but I'm so happy I told her.

    Only you know your situation, but the mental strain will never go away and will in fact get worse. You may eventually begin to feel trapped or resentment, which is not good. I think you should be honest with her sooner rather than later. If you do tell her, just speak from the heart. Reassure her you love her and want to stay with her. Be clear in your own mind that you only "want to LOOK like a beautiful woman" (i.e., CD) or be honest with yourself if it runs deeper, and you actually want to BE a beautiful woman. Big difference. She'll definitely ask you that...

    Good luck no matter what you decide.

    Shibumi
    Last edited by Gretchen_To_Be; 02-06-2015 at 09:09 AM. Reason: Sp

  16. #16
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    Hi Erica!
    Like a lot of the others here, I can say "that sounds just like me". My kids were a little older when I was at 37, but otherwise your story sounds almost as if I could have written it.

    this is a thread you should check out, there is also a corollary thread of people who have decided not to tell, but as mentioned, there are few responses. I think that's probably because nobody likes to brag about their misery on the internet, y'know? ... not necessarily because literally everyone tells, I don't think that's the case.

    Whatever you do, don't let a bunch of random well-intentioned trannies on the internet like us make you feel pressured to do something you're not ready for. The decision to tell is really huge, and the impact of doing so will change your life forever (hopefully in a good way, but it can and does backfire in the worst possible way -- you just don't read about it on here very often).

    How ever it plays out for you, I hope you manage to achieve a level of self acceptance, and are able to chuck that self hate and guilt overboard for good ! Things get a lot better once you're able to move in that direction :-)
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  17. #17
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    Your posts really struck me.

    I am glad you are seeing a professional to help you sort this out, and I don't think you should talk to your wife about it until you have a clearer idea of what you are going to want or need.

    When I came to this board it was because I was in serious crisis. After repressing and controlling my feelings and keeping my secrets for so much of my life I had accidently outed myself in an embarrassing way. That event opened the flood gates to what I had been trying to keep locked up inside, and I came here as a crossdresser and thinking well I can learn to enjoy the crossdressing and stuff - which would hopefully help me deal better with what I was really feeling. That did not work, and I realized pretty quickly I was not a crossdresser. I was really terrified of what the truth was, and I knew what it was, I just wanted to avoid it as long as I could. I'm not trying to scare you, just hope you explore honestly the feelings you are having with the psychologist.
    Last edited by arbon; 02-06-2015 at 11:17 AM.

  18. #18
    Senior Member MsVal's Avatar
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    You have received some very good advice from people with first hand knowledge, and have the advice of a therapist with theoretical knowledge. Yet, amid all the clamor there is no 'best' way to approach the situation, at least not from anyone but you. I wish you well.

    Here are two more ideas.

    One approach that has not been mentioned is to have a private, serious talk about your life before marriage, what you ceased to do, and what has recently begun to gnaw at you. Be prepared to give a truthful answer every question she may have, even if the answer puts you in a bad light. In the end, your honesty and candor will breed trust and acceptance.

    When I have serious talks, whether personally or professionally, I like to write them out. I take my time. It may take a few days during which I write and rewrite my thoughts until they are as clear as I can make them, and say exactly what needs to be said. I may not use my notes for the actual talk, but the exercise of writing and editing my thoughts makes the talk easier.

    Best wishes
    MsVal

  19. #19
    Aspiring drama queen Isabella Ross's Avatar
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    I've been down your road, like many others who have responded. My choice was to reveal, and it worked out so much better than I could have ever imagined. But everyone is different. All I will add are two points that have already been put out there, but I'll repeat for emphasis:

    these feelings will never go away; they will only intensify, particularly if they are denied. So ask yourself if you can live like this for the next two or three decades (two was about all I could handle before I cracked, and looking back, they were two decades of wasted time).

    no matter how stealthy you are, you will probably be caught. At that point, you'll have to deal with the double whammy of explaining your transgenderism...and what will surely be seen by your SO as dishonesty, even though it's far more complicated than that.

    Best of luck...feel for you.

  20. #20
    Senior Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    Much of what you have described is similar to what I went through. I kept it secret from my wife for almost 30 years, but telling my wife was life changing and completely changed me into the type of husband I always wanted to be and my wife deserves: attentive, loving, I listen, we hold hands, talk (I mean really talk), do things we haven't done in over 20 years. We are like teenagers in love all over again. Everyone's story and situation is different, so I certainly cannot say what would work for you. But I can say, after keeping it bottled up for so long, eliminating that secret was unbelievable. Ease into it, if your wife truly loves you (and there is no doubt she does), she will always love YOU, not some front you put up. You are not alone Erica. You've already made the first big step: you have accepted that you are a crossdresser. That self-acceptance had to occur before I could tell my wife. I have never been happier and find great joy now in each day.
    Last edited by Kandi Robbins; 02-06-2015 at 05:46 PM.
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  21. #21
    Silver Member giuseppina's Avatar
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    Hello Erica,

    Welcome to the forum.

    Open-mindedness was not one of that early childhood educator's strong points. I think the tutu was about harmless exploration and her reaction was not helpful in the slightest.

    Your story, apart from marriage and children, could have been written by me. I have stayed away from relationships for reasons unrelated to crossdressing.

    Repressing the feelings you have about dressing (or, for that matter, anything else) is not healthy and may lead to clinical depression. That was one of the things that contributed to my depression.

    As others have mentioned, I think it is fair to assume your wife knows something is going on but may not know what it is or how to start the conversation. Including her in your sessions with your therapists is likely to prove beneficial as far as getting things in the open is concerned. The therapist will also be there to answer any immediate questions she may have. Sad as it is, but therapists sometimes have more credibility than loved ones.

    I realise that wearing your wife's things without her knowledge or permission is a coping mechanism, but quite a few genetic ladies see this as a hygiene issue (panties especially) as well as a privacy violation and do not appreciate this. Frankly, you are asking to be caught red-handed. That method tends to induce hard feelings in a partner. Telling your partner directly is a better method, even if done clumsily.

    The real trick is accepting yourself as you are. I found it liberating. This is something your therapist should be able to help you with, but you have to do the work.

    I get the impression that you are trying your best to do the right thing. Perhaps working toward making the disclosure to your wife during a session with your therapist is a good path forward. There would be someone qualified to answer any immediate questions your wife may have. Maybe one or two sessions for your wife alone with the therapist is a good idea. That, however, is entirely your decision.

    An account here for your wife is a good plan if she is open to the idea and ready to explore. There is a forum exclusively for our significant others to which we have no access. I hear there is plenty of support available there.

    Lastly, the links below are about how to tell your partner from a genetic lady's point of view.

    http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ner&highlight=

    http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...art&highlight=
    Cheers
    Giuseppina

  22. #22
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    I'm so glad I found this forum. I'm still very confused about what I should do, but I really needed to hear your insight and stories. The more that I think about it, the more I realize that I need to tell my wife. I'm going to plan this through, and maybe see my psychologist at least a couple more times, and sort my feelings out before I make any big decisions. Once again, thank you all so much

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