Hi all, my name is Eric, you can call me Erica, as I haven't really decided on a femme name just yet...
I'm 31 years old, married to a woman that I love very much and I have a beautiful 7 year old daughter that I love just as much. The problem is, that I'm a closeted crossdresser. I feel that there has always been a feminine side of me aching to burst out, but I've felt too scared to express it. To be honest, I'm still scared. I'm scared about what people might think or say when/if they find out. Anyway, thoughts about being a girl have gone back to my childhood. One of my few vivid memories in preschool was when I was playing with the girls in my class, I wanted to dress up like a ballerina so I put on a tutu. The teacher in the class instantly pulled me aside and scolded me, "You can't do that!" When playing with my friends in grade school, if we were playing roles, I would always want to play a female role. When I chose a female role, I would get teased and laughed at. I decided that I didn't want to get teased anymore. I just wanted to fit in. So for the next several years of my life, I stuffed these feelings down, and for the most part, succeeded living a normal life growing up from a boy to a man, even though I have these feelings in the back of my head. I eventually met the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and married her. I remember seeing her on our wedding day in her dress and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. She was perfect. Then, the thoughts started racing into my head. I would to look as beautiful as her. I felt ashamed for even thinking these thoughts on perhaps the most important day of my life......but I couldn't help it! 8 years later, and we are still together. We have build a loving family and have a house of our own, and I still want to look like a beautiful woman. I want to go out en femme, but don't have the courage. I don't have any women's clothing of my own, because, well......that would be an awkward conversation with my wife if she found them......or worse, me IN them. But every now and then she is out of the house for a few hours, and I instantly run up into the closet and start wearing her clothes.......trying on outfits rapid fire, looking in the mirror at a..........hairy bearded man wearing women's clothes. It feels so right, as long as I don't look at my face or hairy legs in the mirror. Sometimes I just wear her nightgowns and lay down in bed and I feel like I could just melt!
That being said, I've never fully enjoyed it because I've never been able to 1)Dress without the fear of getting caught(I usually just dress for short periods of time to avoid getting caught, may I add I have never been caught in our over 8 years of marriage) 2)Fully present as female(I want to shave my body hair so bad and wear make up, but how would I explain that to my wife?) and most importantly 3)The shame afterwards hits me like a ton of bricks......I was just wearing her clothes, for pleasure nonetheless. I put myself in her shoes for a moment (not literally) and think......if my spouse did this, I think I would feel violated.
Anyway, I want to express this side of myself, but I don't have the courage to do it. Am I just going to outright tell my wife that I like wearing women's clothes? Tell her that when she leaves the house, I go straight into her dresser? Probably not, but I am dying to express myself as a woman, and I don't know how I can pull it off with my full time job, wife and family. What I really want is for my wife to be accepting and supportive so I can truly experience it, however as much as I know she loves me, I can't see her supporting these actions, and I am absolutely mortified of thought of losing my wife and daughter. I'm so torn that I've started seeing a psychologist to help with these feelings. Anyway, part of me just needed to vent my personal frustration, but I feel like I really need some help and insight into my situations. To those of you in or that have been in similar situations, what was your experience like? Do you have any words of advice/encouragement?