Does your family know?

[JeanetteX]

Hi ladies,

I'm new here so let me introduce myself first...when 'en femme' I'm called Jeanette and I'm from the Netherlands, so please don't mind the mistakes I'll obviously gonna make with my english!!!

My question for you girls is if your family knows. I have been CD'ing for years but have never had the guts to tell my mother, father, brother or sister-in-law about it. I'd love to tell my parents but they are pretty old fashioned and religious people and it would break their hearts if they would find out. My sister-in-law is a real lady, often dressed classy, and at times I can be so jealous of her! Would love to talk to her about all her beautiful items of clothing!! But I'm afraid she's married to my brother, a bit of a loudmouth 'macho' kinda guy. I love him to bits but I'm certain if he knew he would make fun of me, or even ridicule me to others.

I do have a very dear female friend who knows about my dressing and I always find it so refreshing to talk to her. Her advice however is to not tell the family and keep the peace.

Any of you out there who have the same dilemma? Or did you dare to tell? And what was their reaction like?

[Alambi]

Hi Jeanette,

I kind of have a similar dilemma, My brother is really narrow-minded as is my step-father. My mom is more open-minded I guess, but I'm not ready to tell her yet. For now it is my own little secret.

btw I'm also from the Netherlands, I hope we can get along

[Erika Lyne]

Well, Hello JeanetteX,

The short answer is: Yes and No I am out to the family.

The long answer is yes to some. I am out to my wife of 14 years, our two girls (ages: 12 and 10), my mother in law but, I think she told my father in law as well. I am also out to a few close friends, mostly women. Most of these people are accepting with only a few reservations. My wife is on this site, has known since I was 15 and has stood by my side for 27 years. Our daughters have known for over 2 years. It is customary in our house to call each other, "Weird." as a form of acceptance for other people's differences. It is a compliment to each other. My daughters haven't said anything to their friends that I know of but I've heard them cover for my differences by saying to their friends,"That's just my 'weird' dad."

I've tried to approach my mother when I was in my early/mid teens about dressing and she refused to hear of it. "It'll pass." she would say...it hasn't. My older brother is very closed minded and loud mouthed, like yours. Everything is either black or white to him. He would be quite judgemental if he knew. Plus, the family thinks highly of him because he's a bit higher educated than the rest of us. My younger brother is more passive but still has a huge phobia of those that are different. More of a "Not In My Back Yard" type of person. My father would never understand and probably remove himself from my existence. I've tested the waters by dressing publicly for Halloween (a big costume day in the US) and none of my birth family was very accepting. The year before last on Halloween, my mother in law was fine but my father in law was very "stand-offish" and withdrawn.

So, Yes and No.


And, welcome to the site!

Hugs,
-E

PS: Your English was fine.

[flatlander_48]

Hi and Welcome!

I've thought about this from time to time, but so far I have not been motivated to make the disclosure. My father is in his 80's. My mother passed away close to 30years ago. My stepmother is in her 70's. My daughter is 39 and she and her husband have 2 girls. My son is 33 and he and his girlfriend have no children. Anyway, if I were to tell, these would be the people.

My father is ex-Navy from WW2. He is also a child of the Great Depression. Those 2 things worked to create a very macho sort of personna. My stepmother is quite religious, although not of the fundamentalist variety. I see no real upside in coming out to them as a bisexual and a crossdresser. From reading between the lines with them, their attitudes towards gays in general are not good. Crossdressing would be even more foreign to them.

I think my kids would be OK with it, but as soon as you begin to make disclosures, you no longer have control of where those disclosures go or don't go. Again, I don't see an upside.

Looking at this another way, coming out would have significance if I wanted to interact with my family as DeeAnn. However, I do not want to do that. I think it would be a constant source of questions and challenges that wouldn't really have a good purpose. I doubt if life would ever return to anywhere near calm.

[NicoleScott]

No, they don't know because they don't need to know. Except for my wife. She knows because she needs to know.

[Marcelle]

Hi Jeanette and WELCOME! I am completely out to my family, friends and most of work but that is a choice I made based on my own personal circumstances. From what I read, you tend to do your thing and have found a nice niche. If you feel compelled to tell your family that is one thing but if you think it is best to keep it your secret then I see no harm in doing so.

Hugs

Isha

[JeanetteX]

Hi Alambi,

Sure we'll be getting along. Funny to communicate in another language while we're both Dutch....are you on any Dutch forums?

[Bima]

Hi Jeanette and welcome,

My parents and my sibling do not know, and I'm not sure why they should know, unless I plan to transition or be dressed as a woman and family functions (which I don't intend)

I think my parents and my sibling would be fully accepting, but not really understanding.

I know that my brother with a male friend, and with the help by two gg friends, spent a full day out as girls in their teens, but I think that was more of a fun and "crazy" thing than anything else.

My dad and mum are very accepting to most things, but judging from some comments perhaps not 100% understanding to transsexualism and crossdressing.

My mum and dad may know that I CD anyway for various reasons.

Often borrowed items from my mums wardrobe as a teen (she had been given the most stunning classy clothes by a rich relative, a woman, but she never used them), and months later I accidentally overheard her telling a sister of hers that an item had been missing and that she thought it was so strange. Oooopsss!!!!

I also accidentally showed my maternal grandmother a photo where my face was photo shopped onto a woman's face (hence wearing her hair and body :-). This was of course by mistake as I was going to show some vacation pictures on my laptop. That darn photo just automatically popped up by itself as I started the image presentation. Ooooopppss!!!! Not sure if she recognized me, and if she ever told my mum. If she did, my mum knows.

And once, I got a mobile phone call from my dad telling that he had been in the neighborhood just minutes ago and wondering (quite angry, concerned and agitated) what I was doing? Well I was dressed up as a women and sat there wondering if peeped through the narrow gap between the blinds and the window frame. I think he did, and that he was quite shocked what he saw. He never brought this up again, and no hints afterwards that he knows.

Perhaps I also outed myself once to my aunt and her husband some 20 years ago. Started my PC and forgot that I had put three "hot" ladies from the 80s (dressed in skirt-blouses / dresses and with long fur coats :-) as the background on my desktop. Perhaps my relatives thought I just had a fling for that kind of women, but it was more to that. Really loved their style :-). I just brushed it off and said a friend placed this picture there and I did not know how to get rid of it.

But, to answer your question again, and not rambling about my own outings, they don't know and from my point of view I see absolutely no reason to tell them.

I think the main question to ask. Why do you want to tell them, the benefits, and weigh that against the potential disadvantages that you may experience. A cost-benefit analysis :-)

/Bima

[sterusjon]

Jeanette,

The only soul that knows I am TG is my wife. She is really good about it all but would prefer (as would I, I think) it be otherwise. My parents have long been gone from this world and never were told. All my living relatives, including two daughters, are many miles away and there is no reason or benefit for them to know since I do not interact with them very often. No animosity, mind you, Just distance.

My wife prefers that we keep this all under wraps from both friends and family. So when we are out as gal-pals, we are also way out of our home town. If, heaven forbid, I were to find myself without her, I would likely go 24/7. In that event, I am not sure how I would deal with a reveal to friends and family. I hope I don't have to decide any time soon.

Stephanie

[bridget thronton]

Out my my wife and adult children and a few close friends (parents deceased) but not my brother's family or my inlaws

[Sarina Curtis]

Hi Jeanette,

I'm in a similar boat to you. My wife knows, but that's about it. I do intend to tell my daughters, but waiting until they're at an age where they'd understand (hopefully). I've thought about coming out to my mother, I think she'd be a bit shocked and get stuck on the whole 'How can you like wearing women's clothes and not be gay?' for a bit but would quickly come around and not really give a damn. My father, he just wouldn't get it so why put him through the anguish this would cause, because I know he likely wouldn't get past the cross dressing = gay myth. My sister would probably be accepting but if I ever made her angry, she would use it against me as a weapon of mass destruction. My in-laws are uber-conservative, so they'll hopefully never know. None of my friends know, but most would probably get over it after a while. My wife is slowly coming around and has been accepting since I dropped my little bomb shell. She'll probably never be comfortable enough to let me dress with her around or buying me something girly as a gift, but neither has she issued any ultimatums or 'just a phase' babble. All in all I'm happy with the space that I'm in and the limits I have on my 'Sarina Time'. It keeps me from getting lost in the 'pink fog' and forces me to find a balance that has benefited both halves of my whole.

It's good to see that you have someone you can talk to and that you seem content with your situation.

[Lily Catherine]

My parents are aware and have warned me never to cross-dress for the sake of it. That said I have done so for junior college orientation (entire group, boys and girls crossed), competitions and plays (a perk of being in a boys' school in my younger days)

On the other hand a few trusted friends know but any references to Iris are entirely made in jest. One of my closest dislikes CDs but otherwise doesn't mind me.

[kimdl93]

My family knows,but for most it's sort of DADT or simply not a subject we talk about. My immediate family...wife and grown kids...know and are supportive.

Yours sounds like a tough one I would avoid involving your sister in law. Think about why any of these family members need to know. If there is no need, then I'd find someone else to confide in.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

My whole family knows but we don't make a big deal out of it if I am in jeans or a dress.

[Bima]

:-)

As I said before, my family don't know, but I may just have outed my to a neighbor a few seconds ago.

Someone just rang my doorbell, and I am dressed up right now (high heels, leopard patterned blouse, brown skirt, and a blond wig etc), so I slowly walked away from my living room where people can see me from the outside, and intended not to open (just in case it is a relative or a friend). Then I hear a woman's voice saying "Hello", and I say "hi", seeing her peeking in through the small gap between a slightly open door and the door frame. She then says "I'm the neighbor above, and I just saw that the door was open and I thought it looked scary", to which I just responded "thanks, just please close the door". Kind, but slightly nosy, neighbor. She must have seen me though, LOL :-)

/Bima

[Danielle_cder]

My mom and wife know

[Linda Leigh]

My wife knows and doesnt like it but tolerates my crossdressing. No one else needs to know

[Tina B.]

The only ones I've ever told, where my first and second wives, and my older brother. I had to talk to my brother, because my first wife tried to use the knowledge of it in our child custody hearing, and my older brother was sitting in the courtroom. To the best of my knowledge he never told anyone about it the rest of his life.
My second wife knows and is very supportive.

[Cheryl T]

My wife is fully aware and thankfully fully supportive.
I think my mom knew but we never talked about it. I know my aunt knew as she caught me once when I was about 12 and dressing in her things. She (God Bless her) even offered to help me if that's what I wanted. I was of course too young, too scared at the time to accept her offer. Who knows where I would be had I done so....

No other family knows and there is no good reason to tell them.

[Katey888]

First of all, welcome Jeanette...

Does my family know? No...

Do I have a dilemma about telling? No, not really...

Similar reason to you, possibly - no need presently for anyone to know - and sounds like you have an outlet with your female friend, and offers good advice as far as your brother is concerned...

You'll find the biggest variety of opinions on this topic...

Katey x

[flatlander_48]

Just to complete the picture, my wife has known since the beginning. Beyond other crossdressers, there are 3 women I know that I've told, but one has passed away. I consider them all very good friends. Reactions were all favorable and the friendships continued. Perhaps it is significant that 2 of the 3 are fellow Sagittarians...

DeeAnn

[Savannah_Skye]

My family and friends do not know except my supportive wife and a few friends. I know my family and friends would still love and care for me but b/c they are more old fashioned and religious it would probably complicate things a lot in my situation. Sometimes it's hard not to tell people closest to me as I feel I am hiding part of my identity. I'm kind of lucky though as most of my female friends and family do not dress overly cute so I do not get jealous but the fashion police in me seems wants to say something once in a while like purple tights and a lime green skirt....

[Rachelakld]

Hi Jeanette,
I'm out to everyone who lives in my house (wife & kids) as I'm often dressed
I'm out to my mum as she has always been part of my life, and she used to wash the clothes in my kit bag when I went home.
I'm out to my sister as we have always been close, and now her "macho" husband doesn't tease me about being a girl anymore (bit sad about that, I liked him saying things like that about me).
I'm out to my sisters kids, because my sisters husband obviously knows. my niece sent me a lovely letter when she found out.
My dad is old fashioned, and while I've worn leggings and girls top around him with his permission, I don't fully dress out of respect for him.

In general females are more sensitive and understanding, so telling your mum might not be an issue, and she will probably advise you not to tell your dad, and who else not to tell.
As many would say, once you have told someone - you can't decide that you don't want them to know

[justmetoo]

Telling anyone is a personal decision, with many factors to consider. It's up to you to decide who to tell and when to tell them.

I am out to most of my family and they are all supportive to varying degrees. Some very much so, some are okay but not interested in seeing me dressed. The few I am not out to are the most macho of the guys, who might very well disown me, or give me a hard time about it, or, you never know, also be supportive.

Erika Lyne, weird is a good word in my family, too.

[Beverley Sims]

Jeanette,
Keep the status quo and take your girlfriends advice.

Tell no one close to your family.
It works if you have a separate social life with others.
Live as a girl with one group and remain a guy with the family oriented group.