DADT gone wrong and anxiety and depression are on full volume

[silkycdresser]

I'm really feeling it at the moment. Crossdressing has for me, since childhood, been a way to relieve stress, feel excited and at peace with myself, and it's possibly hereditary as my grandfather used to. My life has been filled with stress and anxiety for the past few years, which has led to a direct increase in my seeking opportunities to dress and buy new clothes.

For a few years, I have hinted to my wife that I crossdress and told her about my grandfather. She often jokes about it to me in private, trying on a few skirt she's bought and saying she bets I would look better in it than her. She says people should be able to be themselves and has several gay friends. She believes in living together before marriage and all that stuff, and she commends me on my great style sense when I buy clothing gifts for her, saying it must be partly because I wear women's clothes too.

But despite all this joking with me, I don't think she's ever really realised that yes, I do indeed crossdress. She thinks I WANT to and perhaps try her own clothes on very occasionally while she's at work, but she clearly has no idea I have a large stash of clothes and wear them at home a lot, when driving and, despite being a very, very self-conscious person racked with anxiety, I've walked around large cities fully en femme and in makeup!

This weekend, she said I've been distant with her (it's due to lots of various stressful situations I'm going through and my defence mechanism response, I guess), and in the conversation that followed, she said she wished I'd chill out more and be myself, so I mused "what, wear skirts more often?". Then then admitted she can't bear to think I crossdress and would never have married me if she'd known, as she wants a man's man as her husband, and not a gay. I didn't have the energy to explain to her yet again that many crossdressers are not gay. I felt like my deepest, true personality had been sucked away and I face a future of repression, from age 35 til I die.

The next few months are full of stressful events in the calendar and considering my marriage is so fragile right now, there's one thing I wanted your views on. Part of my job sees me attend events throughout the UK, which is fine, but I've been invited to my first overseas event and it's in Asia, so for someone as nervy as I, it feels a long way away. I will have to drive a car in the middle of a busy city on the other side of the road, and I just can't face it, as I'll be worried my wife will have packed boxes and moved out, when I get home 4 days later. I can easily cancel my attendance without damaging my relationship with the company who has invited me, and my whole being tells me not to go. But a little voice says it'd be cool to tell friends and family I've been all the way to Asia through connections with my work. But 4 days out of my life, not getting paid directly or indirectly for it but going to Asia for 4 days just cuz it's cool to put on my life experiences list... I'm not sure.

I wish the health service would speed up with my therapy but they say it could be several months before I see someone, and having to repress my crossdressing is driving me crazy. It's only about 25% of the things causing stress in our marriage, though.

[Jaylyn]

First off I'm no Dr or Professional on anything but I'd say you need to step back a minute and re figure what is right for you. Do you love your wife more than you love your CDing? If you really think you'll never be happy again or if you will have to worry about will she be there when I get home then maybe either you need to put the dressing on hold or get help for you and your wife from a professional. Life is short as it is and going thru it with weight on your shoulders or baggage dragging is not worth dragging your health down as that can be affected by guilt, depression, and other worries. I suggest take a deep breath relax and approach your path with caution which ever path you choose.

[Stephanie47]

If you're 35 I hope you have a very long time before you pass on from this earth. I heard similar statements from my wife when I was about your age. She said had she known.....she would not have married me. And, since we were married for ten plus years she said she wished she had not told me of some of her transgressions prior to me ever meeting her. it would have made it easier to walk away from the marriage. Since I had accept her with all her baggage, she realized she would have been two faced about it. So, we have slipped into DADT. She knows I cross dress in her absence. She also realizes I am still the man she met and married. Of course, before you marry your spouse, you really do not know too much about him or her. Frankly, she lucked out as all her friends and relatives tell her. The nitty gritty comes down to whether or not your good qualities and traits out weigh your wife's belief that cross dressing is a deal breaker for a marriage.

I don't know much about the health care system in the UK. I would encourage you and your wife to get into therapy with a qualified therapist in gender issues. DADT does not have to be a hell hole for you. We have set boundaries that are adhered to.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Silky, sorry to hear you're going through it.

You say very clearly "my whole being tells me not to go".

Then, "But a little voice says it'd be cool..."

So it isn't really your whole being telling you not to go, it's the part of you which is scared sh*tless and fears rejection and change, which it also expresses in a fear of driving on the other side of the road.

Look mate- if your marriage has got to the stage where you think leaving the house for a few days is going to end it, then it's over already.

Take the trip. Don't say NO when life offers you something on a steaming plate, or you'll regret it forever.

Besides which, you can wear what you bl**dy well want at least some of the time when you're there can't you?

Hugs, Nikki

[Shelly Preston]

I am sorry to hear you are having a lot of difficulties.

It seems clear your wife's perception is that all crossdressers are gay.

It would be ideal if a professional used to dealing with gender issues could explain this to your wife. This could be difficult if she does not know you are seeking therapy. The fact you have said this is only 25 % of the problem makes me wonder if you are able to reduce the stress in other areas while you are waiting.

You may want to try your doctor again to see if the waiting time can be improved.

[silkycdresser]

Thanks for your replies so far.

My wife's hypocritical saying all crossdressers are gay, as she has lots of gay, lesbian and transgender friends, always preaches that people should accept each other and her uncle who is straight even married a 100% lesbian for financial reasons, so her family isn't exactly traditional - and she has revealed a few deep secrets from her past too, that she's not proud of.

Anyway, about the trip, I get invited to such events all the time and although this is my first overseas one, there are lots of others in the pipeline that I could go on, so it's not like a once in a lifetime thing. Besides, I quit my job as my depression was so bad and my wife's paying for a lot of things at the moment, so the fact the trip won't give me any even long-term financial gain means I'd feel guilty going and leaving my wife for 4 days, working hard. She's also got surgery coming up the week after, and because I've so much on my mind, the thought of being dropped in the middle of an Asian city and driving on the other side of the road scares me to death.

[MsVal]

Don't go.

That trip will be quite an adventure and you will have quite a story to tell if you go to Asia.

Let's remove crossdlessing from the problem and replace it with a seriously ill wife; so ill that she may soon die. Would you go to Asia?

Your marriage may be that ill.

A month later, after everyone has heard the story four times, you'll still have your marital problems, perhaps made worse. I believe that healing the marrage should have a higher priority than an ego boosting trip.

Best wishes
Msval

[Bria]

I would strongly recommend seeing a professional about dealing with all of the stress that you are under at the moment, both due to your job but also including the crossdressing, it would be ideal if you could see a specialist in gender issues as they can deal also with your job related stresses as well as other related stresses.

I hope that you can get things back on an even keel at home soon, I'll remember you in my prayers!

Hugs, Bria

[Katey888]

Hi again Sebastien...

I think we've all had to go through stressful periods in life when multiple issues seem to pile up - I can feel for you there, particularly as one of those things is something you use as a way to relieve stress...

A few things to consider... I'd preface that with a caveat that I can be awfully 'rational man' at times of stress (but it made me a good project troubleshooter! ) but sometimes I think you just have to break issues down and nail 'em, one-by-one! Here's some thoughts to consider... simplest issue first:

The Asia trip - Companies I have worked for absolutely forbid staff to hire and drive cars in certain parts of Asia (China, India, Indonesia, Taiwan all spring to mind) - too bloody dangerous and almost always involved minor accidents that just led to horrendous paperwork. One location in Beijing we were directed to not even walk the 200m from hotel to office but to take a cab... So - if you do go, don't drive if you can help it. Cabs (or tuk-tuks) are plentiful... I've even done a rickshaw in Tokyo... and London, come to think of it... So yes it is cool to travel if you get the chance - and there are other options about travel once you're there, but it sounds like this is an option that's just adding stress on top of stress... Maybe a graceful withdrawal would be best for your health right now?

As to your wife... I think all of us closeted folks secretly harbour a desire that our wives or SOs will accept our CDing with open arms, think we look really good glammed up in female apparel, and have the personality and desire to either understand or just tolerate - but I do believe those that do are the exception, sadly... It sounds like the reference to 'gay' is slightly pejorative too, and although not being accepting of differing sexual orientations is no indicator of how she would approach gender orientation, it's probably not a brilliant sign to start with, neither is her stated opinion of you as a CDer. You imply that there are other issues as well that are also impacting? Would it be possible just to partition those issues off; address them either with or without counselling, and park the CDing issues short term? I know it may be easy to say but harder to do - sometimes life has issues where you just have to grit your teeth and curse inwardly but get on with addressing things in reality. If you could do that - kill those issues one by one - perhaps that would buy you the time you need to address the bigger ones? It's hard to say - but breaking things down sometimes helps... sometimes...

Focus on the short-term issues - don't worry about '35 to death' now... that's too far forward.. And you can always come and vent here, FWIW...

Good luck!

Katey x

[Teresa]

Silky,
Your situation is not exactly the same as mine but some of your statements possibly ring true to many of us !
You think your wife is OK with your dressing and despite her joking you have doubts how much she's covering up and not telling you !
I've not had the gay question thrown at me because my wife knows it's sexual but only with women !
I had a trip thrown at me like yours but only to Europe but being a self employed photographer at the time I had no choice but take it ! I had stuff hidden at that time but I never thought it would be packed up and purged ! I guess we can become a little paranoid over that ! I personally would take the trip you're more likely to regret it by not doing so afterwards !

I 'm waiting on the NHS to get my counselling moving I hope it doesn't take several months because the situation in my marriage is becoming very difficult and my wife has given me an ultimatum to sort myself out because she no longer sees it as her problem to help me through it !

[CONSUELO]

So often I see responses to deeply difficult situations such as that facing Silky saying to choose between the marriage or cross dressing. But isn't that precisely why this community and its web site survives. The crux of the dilemma for most cross dressers is that they have never been able to successfully choose between a relationship with a woman and their cross dressing. I have seen so many members here say that at some point they thought they had found the love of their life and threw away their female clothes only to find that months or years later the desire to cross dress was back and if anything even more difficult to refuse, suppress or whatever.
If it were that simple we could "Give up" one or the other in the same way we make other choices in life.

[pamela7]

if you want to dress and keep the marriage, you're going to have to show a lot of "real man". There's a reason for the Monty Python lumberjack song - we can get away with the cross-dressing because we show other strong manly characteristics that counteract the stereotypical gay image. We all know its only perceptions, but if she KNOWS you are manly it will at least help her realise the dressing is not a threat.

Don't wait for counselling on the NHS, do something yourself sooner.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Your situation is quite different than your first post suggested. Given that knowledge, my reply is now that anything which reduces your stress and potential further guilt has to be the right thing. Unless you can fund the trip by some means other than your wife's earnings, and I don't mean your credit card, I can't see how you reconcile going. Add to that the fact that there will apparently be further opportunities and it becomes a no-brainer doesn't it?

If you're still hankering to go, I'd imagine it's got more to do with wanting to take time out from your present situation than anything. If you need a break to clear your head, or because it feels like a few days away would relieve your stress, why not go and visit friends or family for a night or two instead? Now is the right time to ask those you care about for a helping hand.

As Katey says, perhaps you could just try not to address the crossdressing for now, while you deal with the other problems. I know all too well that multiple sources of stress make each individual one far worse.

Further hugs,

Nikki

[Rachelakld]

I'm genetically biased - being from Yorkshire, is almost the same as my more northern brothers in the fact that if there is no coin in the wallet, there is nothing to spend.
If I was to spend my wifes money, I would need to be 100% sure there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

As for the wifes attitude, dress in nice leggings and slowly work your way to dress how it pleases you, but always be a man in the bedroom.

[kimdl93]

It seems to me that unless the trip is being paid for by either the group that invited you or some other third party, that it's something that you need to put aside. And as others said, driving overseas isn't something you should attempt, particularly if even the thought makes you anxious.

From what I'm reading you are using dressing as a coping mechanism...and have a significant mood disorder, sufficient to cause you to quit your job...which by the way was a rather poor decision that only added stress to your life. My advice is to focus every ounce of energy you have on getting your emotional health back. Then, when you and your therapist believe you are capable of assessing and coping with life effectively, then you can start addressing your marital and gender issues with a clear head. Right now, it doesn't seem you're equipped to do either.

[silkycdresser]

being from Yorkshire

Ha, my wife is from Yorkshire originally! I wouldn't be spending my wife's money for this trip as apart from the fuel for a 6-hour drive to the airport and 6 hours back, the trip is paid for by the sponsor. But week to week, my wife pays the mortgage and bills, so I'd feel guilty "enjoying" 4 days overseas while she works hard, if there's no work-related gain to going.

Your tip to gradually introduce different clothes is a good one, but I've tried it and failed. I bought a pair of women's jeans and a women's outdoor jacket which both look very similar to men's, like unisex, but my wife immediately noticed the buttons on the other side of the jacket and the small pockets on the jeans. I can't win!

[Rhonda Darling]

Quoted from SilkyCD: "I wish the health service would speed up with my therapy but they say it could be several months before I see someone, and having to repress my crossdressing is driving me crazy. It's only about 25% of the things causing stress in our marriage, though."

Several months to see a therapist? Sounds like that Single Payer (government run) health care is doing you and others a huge disservice. I'm truly glad you're not feeling suicidal.

I agree that if you think wife could leave you if you're out of town for four days, it's already over. Years from now, let's hope your dying thoughts are more than "I'm sure glad I didn't Crossdressers for the past thirty years and upset my wife. Glad she was happy." Take good care of yourself. There is a GG out there who will love all aspects of you. Find her and be happy.

[Teresa]

Pamela,
Most of my life I've done the manly thing but I'm still facing the same problems !
I did private therapy privately twenty tears ago, I know how it's going to end up so I'm not wasting my money this time ! I will still be on my own with it !

[Annaliese]

They don't have someone you can see in an emergency, or pay for it your self. See some one now.

[Jenniferathome]

If you think your marriage is so fragile that it can not survive a 4 day business trip, you two really need to see a marriage counselor. Marriages are not like that.

[docrobbysherry]

Let me try to correct a couple of misconceptions in your post, Silky.

DADT means "Don't ask, don't tell". As I understand that doesn't mean u don't dress at all or u only do it secretly. I have such a DADT arrangement with my adult daughter. She doesn't wish to see me dressed and to discuss it as little as possible. When I'm going to dress around the house, I tell her. She'll go out, stay in her room, or I'll dress and leave thru the garage. It's still a bit stressful for us. But, nothing like my sneaking around and worrying about her walking in on Sherry!

Also, Asia has a meriad of exellent public transportation systems. U shouldn't need to drive there unless u want to!

[silkycdresser]

There are two reasons why I feel maritally uneasy going away for 4 days with all the different stresses going on for both my wife and I. Firstly her moods are very up and down, one day full of love for me (like today, when she was even ok to joke a bit about my dressing), then the next day she can be quite nasty. But I can appreciate why she's like that. Secondly, it's in my head that I feel uncomfortable being away. I saw a CBT therapist for 3 months but it obviously didn't cure my worry about everything in life.

[Taylor Ray]

I may be a dissenting voice here, but will add my "2 cents" to the thread.

I encourage you to trust your own inner voice. If this is telling you to explore cross-dressing, go out and spend a few hundred bucks on some dresses, shoes, lingerie, and a wig. Give yourself some time (maybe one night a week?) and a safe place to explore this wonderful aspect of your personality.

Repressing aspects of our unconscious desires seems to always lead to worse symptoms -- like depression and anxiety.

[StephanieinSecret]

I had a similar experience last week. My SO told me that CD'ing makes them want to throw up.

It really hurt, more than i let on. And it certainly did nothing to make me want to do things for them sexually, since I now know that they are disgusted by me.

I don't know if there is a solution. But you are not alone in this.

[silkycdresser]

Taylor, I've already done that, buying lots and lots of women's clothes over the past few years