5 years ago, I logged in here for the first time...now I face a wall

[MonicaJean]

5 years ago tomorrow was the first time I reached out...it happened to be an online board, this one, crossdressers.com. Why a crossdressers site? I just wanted a relief valve...some online forum to converse with others in this, still very foggy, area of life. Many small steps that took the next 2-3 years to sort out what I was feeling inside. For a long time, emotions and that I thought were taken care of 15 years prior were coming back. That being, being set free of crossdressing.


As time marched on, I still had no desire to crossdress but something was burning deep inside me, it was purely gender based. I didn't know what it was for the longest time until just a few years ago. It never let up, that 'thing' only became worse. Along with it was depression and all the usual mix of junk we experience....


From chatting with people on CD. com, I met my first real trans friend in Melissa, she dealt with me being more nervous than the proverbial ***** in church the night we met. Was I living my trans life vicariously thru her? Most likely yes.


Meanwhile, I continued to blame myself for doing something wrong, Was this toxic mess of unidentified feelings a result of letting some sin/error back in my life? After all, that was drilled into my head a decade earlier.


Until I started reading and learning that being transgender... ***HRT WAS THE BIOLOGICAL CURE***.


Spring 2012, I had an afternoon business meeting at a popular coffee shop in Nashville. For a good portion of the meeting, a trans gal sat at a table behind one of the other two meeting attendees. I became really jealous...why? Why can I only focus on anything but her makeup...shoes...freedom to be herself? Because I NEED to be me, the real me...she's living her life, I'm not. I'm keeping it all inside.
About a year or so later I thought, "i'll keep this inside and only tell the online world and only converse with my new found friend Ashley" That'll work. Or so I thought....


Until my transition-or-perish moment about 6 months ago. That changed everything. I knew, I KNEW I had to be honest about who I was. There was to be no more hiding. No more laying in the weeds, it was time to stand up and be myself. For the first time in my life.
What was the most horrific moments in my life turned into something more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. HRT leveled my emotions and senses. Suddenly, life had purpose and was something to be lived, not just endured. Suddenly I was no longer afraid...afraid of finding new friends and plugging into to support groups and such. Suddenly, I found "me". Suddenly, I stopped being so grouchy and depressed. Suddenly, I cared about being with friends more than I ever have and look forward to each moment spent with them...lunch, dinner, phone, whatever... I always have, but now it was a new found burning desire.


All from reaching out to a crossdressers site...this site.....I've found a new life, amazing new friends and real purpose in life.


As I look forward from February 2015, the next phase is the hardest part. Even though I'm a much better person now, some can't deal with it. That's life, I hate it, but that's what I must accept.


What a 5 year period it's been.



And now the wall....that realization the honeymoon is over in the transition, it's hard work from here on out....it's starting to live part time (where possible), talking with all clients---hoping & praying they keep me on, the marriage...Oh I pray that it stays together...anything else to add to this huge wall of stress while we're at it?

I can see why so many ex-military people have transitioned, they have been trained to overcome. This is tough, this is hard work. There are no short cuts to learning to be yourself. There are no quick-learning paths to life experience in the real gender. It must be worked at each day. Some days are easier than others, but those tough days test us, stretch us and form us.

I may very well be leaning on you all a lot in the coming days and weeks, more so than the past. The sobering reality that the glow of HRT is great and has not faded, but I need to move on and tackle the biggest issues of transition, as mentioned above.

Without progress, I'll be stuck in the past, not something I care to do anymore.


A big thank you to the very many people who helped me get to this point in my journey.

[Rachel Smith]

HRT had the same effect on me. Like you I now feel life is to be lived and enjoyed with friends. It's been 2 years for me and there are still days when I am taken aback by just how happy I am now.

Wishing you nothing but continued happiness and success.

Hugs
Rachel

[KellyJameson]

For a transsexual I see transitioning as an act of self care and self preservation.

It is insightful that it is not about the clothes for you. I was never a crossdresser and crossdressing actually terrified me when I was at my most determined to suppress my gender identity. I viewed presenting as female as very dangerous to the little control I had over not allowing my gender identity from taking "me" over.

Living that split existence is very stressful as trying to control "that other person that lives inside you". It makes you mental.

I could "rationalize" wearing long hair and removing body/facial hair (lie to myself about why I was actually doing it) but I would not be able to "rationalize" presenting as female by using clothes and once I lost the ability to lie to myself I would lose control over suppressing my identity, which felt extremely dangerous.

Later when I finally did use the clothing because I had accepted myself (my identity) it depressed me from not being real. It had a falseness about it because I knew deep down that clothing does not make a woman.

MtF Transsexuals who join the military often are trying to do the same thing through practicing a form of hyper masculinity. You are trying to kill that which has been rejected in an attempt to cut it off or out of you.

Using sex as an example ,often a person who is extremely homophobic is actually suppressing their real sexuality so many of the same strategies used to control subconscious sexual identity (actual attraction) are also used to control subconscious gender identity (actual identity)

We control the outside because of the inside.

If you think about it there really never was a honeymoon because it is always living with "that thing that must be controlled" and the fear of it "getting out" and so than "out of control" It is like an obsession that we are obsessed with ignoring while being held prisoner by it. You are trying to control that which is actually in control.

Transitioning is stressful for sure, but for a transsexual it is stressful to also not transition.

You spend your life between a rock and a hard place.

For me HRT mainly eliminated the anxiety I had since puberty. What really had a powerful affect was being validated the first few dozen/hundred times. When people finally see you as you have always seen yourself.

You wait years to have this experience and when it happens it is very emotional.

I cannot image someone "not transitioning" once they experience this.

Once you are "seen" "as you know yourself to be" I do not think it is possible to go back.

The internalized "body image"(self image) being made real, meeting the external image others have of you (validation) combined with what you always knew "to be true" (gender identity) is for me the experience of "sanity".

Once you have it (because of and as progress) you will fight tooth and nail to keep it because you remember what it was like to have lived without it. (the past)

[Suzanne F]

My wife asked me that tonight. "How could anyone go back after finally facing this? There is no going back for me once I faced it. After a lifetime of attempting to hide I am not running anymore. I am living as a woman everywhere except work when in front of my company or customers. It is exhausting to have to be Brent at times but I want to keep supporting my family as I transition over the next 18 months. I will begin HRT in about 10 weeks and have begun a job search as Suzanne. I guess I just wanted to say I stand at the wall also. I have come so far in the last 2 years but now it is here. Kelly, you were right. Once I cross dressed it was uncontrollable. It was obviously not about the clothes. It was me!

Lately I have not been able to post here other than a few short responses. I have been sobered as I realize HRT is almost here. I appreciate the seriousness of this step. I guess I am just a little scared. I am going over that wall but I realize it is a high one. Sorry I am rambling!
Suzanne

[genevie]

Thank you all who have added their comments and experiences. I've been on the CD side for a while though very shyly as that is me. It still never felt right. It all felt like a lie. What I've read above strikes a chord. I have an appointment today with a therapist and will tell my story for the first time. I was only able to do this with encouragement from someone here on the TG forum. Your stories touch my heart and I will be forever grateful, though I may not comment much, I read most of what you girls write.

[Eringirl]

HI Michelle:
While have yet to start HRT (working on that as we "speak") I get where you are coming from! Feel free to keep posting what is going on with you. I, for one, have big shoulders (hoping to change that ), so lean away!!

Erin

[Emma Beth]

I think we all face our own walls at various times in our lives. Some of them we build and place ourselves, while others are just there.

I too face one of my own walls and patiently wait to get past it. For me I refuse to go over my walls. I plan to break through them. I don't want to look back and see any of those walls standing behind me. I want to look back and see the rubble of my efforts. Like so many, I am a fighter; but I'm one of those fighters that will bide my time and make my move when the time is right.

When I read of the progress and fights that others are going through or have gone through, I gain courage. Courage to face that which I have denied and suppressed for most of my life.

I also realize that the "Man" is weak and the Woman within is so much stronger. I realize that the Woman is where all my strength and patience really comes from.

I don't say it often enough, but I have to say thank you for sharing your journey. You, and everyone else, have been so supportive by just sharing and I love all of you for that.

[MonicaJean]

Thank you all! I unwittingly celebrated my 5 year anniversary by attending Janet Mock speak here in Nashville, then spending the evening with a handful of new-found friends from the local support group. It was fun.

[celeste26]

There are far more than a single wall. Each of us have our own walls to climb. I don't know why but I am struggling over buying a purse (of all things.) For me it is just one of those signals about how far I have gone. I have things I need scattered all over and a purse is the logical thing to get but...

[Cindy J Angel]

I too have been here now for 7 years but was here before that i lost my comp and was out for 2 or 3 years then rejoined. I was on the cd side. And i have come to realize i dont belong there i try not to judges we all have r place some stay there and some move on with their journey. I have move to the ts site and feel like its home. I get a lot of help some time just reading and outhers by posting. For a long time i would not got to the cd sit but in the last couple of weeks i have. I just feel more comfortable here. How far i will go i dont know at one time i had appointment for hormones and freaked out the day befour and cancel it. Well i had to get my medical records from the VA the guy told me to read them. And i blow him off (should not have lol) well wife was looking them over and low a behold my Dr had put in his notes that i went to transition . Well u can guess what went down after that. But this site has help me get through it so yes come talk stick around we will do r best to support mentor comfort listen love cindy

[Barbara Ella]

Michelle, I applaud your desire to keep your marriage going. That was my goal when this all began for me 3.5 short years ago. At that time i was convinced I was CD and nothing more. Now, after ups and downs, my wife fully supports me. Been on HRT two years, the last one with her blessing. I have been having full facial electrolysis, four sessions so far, and she was the one to push me to do it. I am Barbara at home when we are not babysitting the 5 yr old grandson, or out in town. Out of town we are two girls I have not been more at peace with myself than I am right now. Where it will go, we haven't got a clue, but it will be forward. You just need to keep moving forward, the two of you together.

Barbara