Never the right time!!

[Teresa]

As we're all different I know this won't apply to everyone but I'm sure many will agree with most of it.

My CDing started as sexual at about nine years old, earliest recollections were more to do with what was going on rather than feeling guilty and obviously no need to tell anyone . This carried on right through school until I left and met my first GF, she was first to persuade me to wear her panties so again no need to tell anyone.
My second GF I found was into it when she caught me wearing a nightie I'd bought her, we had a great time sharing stuff and the effect it had on both of us ! So there was no guilt or shame and no one else needed to know !
When I married the dressing continued as did the sexual turn on but it wasn't shared with my wife, so the closeted situation started, I guess I didn't tell my wife because I thought it would pass, now that I was married and I could just stop ! How wrong I was, along side the sexual needs were the desire to dress fully and for longer and experiment with makeup !
This was getting bad , I was a man but what else was I to want to dress like a woman !
Now I had kids and my business to run, what if my wife finds out or do I just tell her ! This is crazy to risk losing this for the sake of wearing a dress, but it won't go away , in fact it's getting stronger because it appears to help when things get too stressful ! Then you feel guilty because the clothes feel so good to wear, nothing like drab !
Twenty years was long enough I was going to explode I had to tell her somehow ! Within minutes of starting to talk the tears flooded from me, it felt like a millstone lifted off my shoulders I guess she listened more out of sympathy as she'd never seen me cry like that before !
The outcome was no major marriage upheaval, but I stupidly thought I had full understanding and acceptance ! I could turn the clock back and share it with her as I did with my GFs ! The DADT wall went up after about two weeks and I spiralled down into depression and an near suicide attempt !
Twenty years on again I decided that this had to the right time to be accepted and come out ! It's not going well I guess some of her excuse this time is that I'm a silly old fool, that's going to make a fool of himself and embarrass everyone around him !
Well when I look in the mirror or look at my pictures I don't see that ! I see a genuine happy smile, with a reasonable figure that doesn't look that bad when dressed ! I just can't see the problem with letting me be more open and to share a few hours of happiness and enjoyment with me ! The man is still there underneath, I have no doubts that I would emerge a better one then I am at the moment !

I'm tempted to use the attached pic as my new avatar, it genuinely shows who I am and the unashamed enjoyment I get from my CDing !

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Teresa,

First of, I LOVE the "attached" picture and definitely think you should use it as your avatar. The one you are using now is very nice, but the other one is radiant and you look amazing!

I can relate to your story, in fact mine is quite similar, including the current status of things. Except, I dont even have a DADT thing anymore unfortunately. More of a complete denial from her side and a IICYYAD situation. (If I Catch You, You Are Dead).

The sad thing is, exactly as you describe it, if this other side of us could be allowed to exist, we would be much better spouses! More open, more happy, more willing to share and much more enjoyable.
I wish there was a way to get that message through, but I have given up on it.

Hugs
Suzie

[pamela7]

love the avatar - yes!
the only right time is now.

[MsVal]

I remember when you posted photos from that session. It was last November, wasn't it? You got a lot of sincere compliments. I cannot think of any reason not to use that as your avatar photo.

You're so very close to knocking down the roadblocks on your journey to happiness. So very close... You probably see that the road beyond them is rutted and disappears into the fog. What you may not see is that beyond the fog the road is smoother, the sun shines, and life goes on.

Best wishes
MsVal

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Silly old man!!! Heck you do look great. Good luck with how ever your situation unfolds.

[Tina_gm]

For your wife to enjoy your CDing with you, most likely not. For you to enjoy your CDing, most definitely. Teresa, I believe that all of us who do not do an early disclosure must face the consequences of such. Regardless of why, regardless of our intentions, 20 years went by before she knew of CDing, and then 20 years later after a lifestyle of DADT, for her to change is just not likely. She HAS accepted that you do this, she accepted it 20 years ago. She just does not like it, and she is in the majority of GG's who are in relationships and marriages to a CDer. Liking and accepting are two distinctly different mindsets or emotions.

[charlenesomeone]

Teresa that is a lovely photo. Living a tolerant life with you, definitely not comfortable.
Keep smiling like that.
Hugs

[DonnaT]

All I can suggest is to talk with her. Explain how it makes you feel better, and if you feel better, more relaxed, less stress, etc., you're likely to live longer.

[Jackie7]

From one silly old fool to another... Go for it! Nothing to gain by waiting any longer.

I've never understood the argument that what I do might embarrass someone else. We are each responsible for ourselves and for how the world sees us. My wife's behavior and presentation doesn't rub off on me, nor mine on her. Perhaps your wife can find amusement and pride in how good you are at being a silly old fool, colorful and not so dull and ordinary.

[Fortuneta]

Yes...do use it. What a wonderful shot of a beautiful, well dressed, smiling inner you. Yes, use it!!
Fortuneta

[Kevyn53]

Theresa, This is one of the things I notice about almost everyone on this site, they're all happy with themselves when dressed. Stay happy. and be yourself, whatever it takes.

[phylis anne]

like uh wow great pic most definitely avatar material
hugs phylis

[Beverley Sims]

Teresa,
I vote one for the new avatar.
It shows a young girl in the prime of her life enjoying herself.
Something you should have been able to do by now.
I am saddened by your situation.

[Jilmac]

Teresa, I can relate to many things you mention in your thread, although I informed my wife of my dressing while we were still in the dating stage. Unfortunately, she never approved and I remained closeted for many years. It was only after she passed away that I was able to come out as Jill. I fully understand your feeling of happiness while dressed, as I enjoy the same feeling.

The new picture that you have included in this thread does much to enhance your feminine persona and would make a wonderful avatar photo. Thanks for sharing it with all the ladies on the forum.

[Rondawants]

So very pretty!!!

[Suzie Petersen]

I see you changed the picture Teresa! You look lovely!

Hugs
Suzie

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Teresa, you, Suzie, myself & countless others are in the same lifeboat. I have read your trials & tribulations & know exactly how you feel. IF only she could let down her blinders to see & experience how the femme Teresa would make a better mate! My friend, with deep regret, that is not going to happen. As in my case, there will not be any defrost button pushed on my wife's part & , just like Suzie, getting caught would be the end of the marriage. There is no silver linning in this situation; you either dress in secret or risk the marital end. I am at that crossroad . My only saving grace is that I remain the eternal optimist in that there has to be a cd plan in my life. I have no words of wisdom to impart or lessen your cross to bear. You must stay strong , be strong & let Teresa grow without creating more marital discord . Your wife is not going to change; therefore, it is up to you to proceed to plan b, c or whatever. Please do not stress yourself out any further as two Bulls in a china shop will only cause more unthinkable damage. Please make contingency plans & try to live your best years with some inner peace...

You look lovely in the new avatar. You should be proud of your look & yourself . I truly want you , Suzie, myself & the many others in our lifeboat to find calmer waters. We're getting too old to fight imaginary windmills!!! Much peace my friend, mel

[Teresa]

Melissa,
I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water so I can think through my options ! As you may have picked up on threads I've posted in Loved Ones , so many things have been said but one important comment I made to my wife was that we need to start talking now we are back to just being a couple, otherwise we will have nothing left of our marriage !
I've allowed her to dictate so many issues in our marriage but this one now has to be sorted and it's up to me to make my thought and needs known ! The counselling sessions I'm now attending have got to have some point to them, even though she refuses to take part !

Thanks for you kind words and encouragement for using my new picture ! If I am recognised by someone, it's not intended to offend them ! I'm prepared to stick to my request to be more open I can't live with hiding any longer !!

[ReineD]

Teresa, your picture is beautiful and this is a wonderful post. I think it's an honest recap of your CDing past and it doesn't try to blame everything on your wife. Thank you for posting it. I do have a few comments.

You say your wife thinks that you're "a silly old fool who is going to make a fool of himself and embarrass everyone". Your wife is merely stating out loud, the very reasons you did not all those years ago choose to go out in public. You yourself said that before you were married, you had told various girlfriends and "there was no need for anyone else to know"! If you reach down to ascertain why you didn't want anyone else to know, you will discover it was because you knew that people looked askance at men who presented as women in public and you did not want to be judged negatively.

While it is true that things have changed since the 1970s, i.e. homosexuals are no longer institutionalized for being gay and crossdressers no longer are breaking the law and people in many pockets of society have adopted a tolerant attitude towards men who dress to the point where crossdressers can go out without the fear of physical harm, there is still gossip, people still stare and people still judge inwardly.

I'm not saying that everyone reacts this way, there are of course (a few? some?) people who will genuinely admire your courage for presenting as a woman in public, but for the most part, people still do react even though they will be polite to your face. The good news is that people then move on rather quickly to their other affairs and concerns and within a few minutes you will no longer occupy their thoughts. But, these are the reactions of strangers, of people who do not know you and who know they will not see you again.

I think the general attitude in this forum can lull someone into a false sense there is overarching societal acceptance and support. The truth is, most people that don't know you simply have a "live and let live" attitude when it comes to seeing a stranger dressed as a woman on the street. This is a good thing, it enables a CDer to go out and enjoy him/herself, but these same people would not want their husbands, brothers, sons or fathers to be this way. They do not want gossip and judgement tainting their own lives.

This is, I think, what your wife is trying to tell you. She does not want your family, friends, close acquaintances, coworkers, in short the people you both deal with everyday to know. The need for social acceptance is one of our most basic needs, even your wife's.

So maybe you can assure her that this won't happen. You can take care to go out in a neighborhood or a sphere that is not the one you and your wife inhabit on a daily basis. And your wife will eventually (if she does not already), accept that you do in fact need to do this.

And to address your last paragraph, you are correct. you "don't look that bad when you are dressed" (your words). It's not a question of looking bad or good. You could look like a catalog model and be dressed in the most exquisite of fashions, but if you are read as a man who dresses, people would still impose their judgments simply because we still very much live in a society that does not embrace men who wear dresses. Society as a whole doesn't crucify them, but at best the attitude is that men who dress must be somewhat "odd".

Coming out as a TS is different, I think. TSs have no choice but to live in their target gender, they go through great pains to completely dismantle their male lives, they take hormones that alter their male sexual functioning, change their names, have surgeries, and risk losing jobs, families, etc, and hopefully they reach a point where people do not guess or perhaps forget their male pasts since they simply do not live as men, ever. This is not the case for someone who does not transition.

Last, you didn't ask, but if ever you wonder why these girlfriends all those years ago could have fun in the bedroom dressed with you while this is not the case for your wife, it is simply for two reasons: one, they were young and hormonal like you and two, they were not in a long-term, committed relationship with you. We've had countless stories here of GG partners who have fun with this in the beginning, but the "fun-ness" diminishes after the first flush of the relationship passes when GGs realizes that the "kink" extends to more than panties and hose in the bedroom in order to spice up the sex life. This is why so many of the CDers here who have accepting wives, keep it out of the bedroom. They understandably don't want their wives to believe they (the CDers) become sexually excited over anything else that is not their wife.

Sorry for the long post.

[Teresa]

Reine,
I didn't expect to be complemented by a GG so I thank you for being honest this thread was not intended as an endorsement for the way I look ! As I said in a previous thread if I manage to finally get out into the World this is what the World will get, but obviously more appropriately dressed !

All your points make sense, I must see it as a two way thing and think hard how I'm going to implement them ! As you know it's just getting my wife to sit down and talk sensibly about it , the obvious thing is for us to both to attend counselling which she refuses to do ! We have much to lose if we don't and possibly more to gain if we do ! If it doesn't work out then obviously we have sadly come to the end of the road !

[Kandi Robbins]

You look great for a "silly old fool". I know that feeling of total happiness, it's coming right through the screen from your picture.

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Teresa, the new avatar looks great and I sense that it signals a determination on your part to reach a higher state of happiness and fulfillment. Good luck with the counselling and I hope you can keep the communications with your wife ongoing to try to reach some resolution in your marriage status one way or the other in the not too distant future.
Hugs,
Steph

[DanaR]

Hi Teresa, thanks for sharing your story. All that I could suggest is talking to your wife again and explain to her how you feel; which you did before. You might show her this thread and the response that Reine wrote, to start the conversation.

Good luck!

[Marcelle]

Hi Teresa,

I just wanted to add my "love the new avatar" comments. WRT your relationship with your wife, I always maintain that it is a two-way street and both parties have to be truly happy in order for the relationship to have any chance of continuing unabated. Keep talking to her and who knows, you may get that buy in to at least spend a few hours of Teresa time at home.

Hugs

Isha

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Teresa, That picture shows how happy you are on the outside, Go for it.