Trans enough

[arbon]

It comes up again and again.

Trans enough for what, exactly? Is it wanting to be validated that you belong in the club? The crossdressers club? The drag Queens club? The TS club? The I'm somewhere in-between club?

Who do you need to prove it to?

Is being trans fun and you want to be a part of that fun? I say go for it!

Well it can be alright in certain circumstances for me. Like I would really love to go the trans march in SF sometime, I could see myself totally getting into it and having a great time. I will totally flaunt and show off my trannyness with PRIDE!!

But most of the time in my real life I am sick of trans anything.
As far as I am concerned you can have it all - and if you feel your coming up a bit short with your own transness you can have every little bit of my mine and kick me out of you silly clubs, I don't want it

[mechamoose]

Who do you need to prove it to?

Full stop. Nobody else matters.

You need to be true to yourself. Until you do that, you *can't* do anything else.

If you can 'pass'.. then DO IT! IN SPADES! ROCK THAT SH!t!!

If you can't 'pass', does that make you any *less* of a person?

No. NO. NO! *&%^$ NO!!!

You have the right to be who you are, how you are, and what you are... without having to apologize to *anyone*.

You don't need some mundane's *approval* for that... honest.

- MM

[STACY B]

Hell No,,, Don't throw it my way ,,, I'll throw it back ,,, HARD ,, Don't know what the deal is with Trans Club ,, But this sure Ain't Dress up time ,, This is a brain disorder that is tough to live with ,, I wouldn't wish this on Anyone .

[Anne2345]

Personally, I think it's a blast and I have been having the absolute time of my life over the past several years!!

I have been working super, duper, crazy hard trying to be the most trans I can possibly be so I can win the big trophy!!! Rah rah YAY TROPHY!!!

I mean, there is a trophy for winning this game, right??

Because I'm pretty sure somebody told me that one time a few years back during a really long night of binge drinking. Or now that I'm thinking about it, maybe they said that this *wasn't* a game, but I was really, really drunk at the time and . . . . OMG!!! Holy crap!!! I've had it all wrong all this time!!! What have done to myself??!! What have I done to MY LIFE??!! DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE???!!!! AND THERE'S NO TROPHY???!!!!!

Lol. Yeah. Whatever, right?

I just wanna live GD free. Nothing more, nothing less. If I gotta burn my world completely down to the ground and start over again to do this, well, then, I would say I am absolutely heading in the right direction, fwiw . . . .

But omfg I get soooooo tired of it at times. Like every single day. Would that I could have stayed out of THIS club, I wouldn't have even looked in through the window much less knocked on the damn door. And to whoever answered the door and invited me in, if I *ever* see you in person, I'm gonna punch you right straight in your tranny face hole!

Ugh.

Stupid no-trophy-thingy, though!!!

[mechamoose]

I just wanna live GD free. Nothing more, nothing less.

'D' is for 'Disphoria', right?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysphoria

" It can also mean someone that is not comfortable in their current body, particularly in cases of sex dysphoria. Common reactions to dysphoria include emotional distress or indifference."

You have to please YOU before you even have the chance to please anyone else.

You have the *right* to define who *you* are.

Presbyterian? Democrat? Flat-Earth? Demonologist?

Irrelevant.. YOU get to define YOU. *I'm* not going to challenge you on that. I *CAN'T*.

I don't define you.

<3

- MM

[Jorja]

There are No trophies, you do not collect $200 when you pass go, No touchdown, goal, homerun or basket. There is just you finally living the life you were supposed to. Your past world in flames and rubble. It is totally up to you whether you rise like a Phoenix or shrivel up and disappear with the wind. Your choice!

[whowhatwhen]

Trans march wasn't that big of a deal imho, but then again I went alone and terrified of crowds so YMMV.

[arbon]

Oh why are you ruining it for me :/

[Anne2345]

Oh why are you ruining it for me :/

Because you're not trans enough, silly!!!

[arbon]

There is just you finally living the life you were supposed to.

Thats all it is about.

How trans you are or not does not matter. Its about being okay with yourself. If your okay with yourself wearing womens cloths great. With taking hormones great. changing your name and legal id to female great. surgeries great. don't need to do any of the above great. Whether others accept you as trans or not means nothing.

[Nigella]

You only have one skin, you need to be comfortable in it otherwise you will be scratching the itch for the rest of your life.

[LeaP]

Theresa, the whole syndrome evokes some pretty strong reactions in me. We always say we wouldn't wish it on anyone. Well for once, I do wish it on others. Maybe they need to experience the pain, depression, and uncertainty, the anger (in us and at us), the loneliness and suicide attempts, and the mind-numbing fear. You can pile on financial concerns, relationship damage, medical worries, and more.

There is a lot of suffering in this. And the suggestion alone that there is some sort of orchestrated competition in this is outrageous.

That does not mean that status is not accorded. All human interactions carry this to some extent. It may revolve around power or money, organizational position, social standing, family, education, alignment and loyalty, and a million other things. Part and parcel of humankind being a social animal is conscious and unconscious ranking using a huge number of variables.

I can list a bunch of them that relate to being trans. Easily. Here are a few that pertain to me as well as some of the implications for how I am viewed by others.

I'm MTF – that makes me commonplace in some places (or rankings, loosely used). Suspicious in still others.

I'm a late transitioner - automatically inauthentic to some. Crazy to some others. "Obviously" either sexually motivated or making a lifestyle choice from the standpoint of some very early transitioners. My level of gender conflict must be much less intensive than many others, of course.

I am married – rendering me instantly selfish and self-centered to many. A betrayer and breaker of covenants. Someone that does not properly understand sacrifice. Probably even someone who rejects God, to some.

I'm employed and successful – which must mean that womanhood is impossible as I've never been subject to the issues and ceilings women experience.

I'm on hormones - I'm brave. I'm weak. I'm stupid. I'm brilliant because I'm doing it this way…. I obviously have no idea what I'm doing because I am doing it this way….

I have been on hormones "long" time and haven't socially transitioned yet – Less intense, obviously. Rationalizing and justifying… One of those people who is forever stuck. Wow. What a fount of information on hormones. "You know, living as a man with those kinds of changes is really screwed up."

I went through a therapist and followed the SOC guidelines - I must be real because this was long and rigorous. I told the therapist exactly what she wanted to hear. I did it the right way. I played into the medicalization and control of transsexuals.

I don't go out a lot – That's okay, most of us stop this until we transition. I'm out of my mind and have no idea what I'm talking about because the social experience is the most important. (Another fun variation with this one is that anyone who does go out often accords themselves more authority than even people with other conditions than their own.)

I'm not pretty, I'm not slim enough, and I need some work to be truly passable. Some people will never associate with me because of those. On the flipside, neither am I a troglodyte or an embarrassment. Forget what others think. What I think is "I hate you!" in regards to the first group and "thank God I'm not like that" in regards to the second. I should probably mention that I have more charitable feelings as well, but no one seems to care about those…

See how all this goes? You're in, you're out, you're authentic, you're not, credible or not, better or less than, etc. Just like the rest of life!

So what? You (addressing the air here not you specifically, Theresa) think that's going to change because you have a gender issue of some sort? Where the charge of status, ranking, elitism, etc. falls flat isn't that people don't think or even engage among themselves in this sort of thinking. It is in the assumption of a cabal. There isn't one! No universal agreement on trannydom is to be had anywhere. No in group or clique. Some that get that label (anyone bold enough to share their little list?), but plenty who disagree.

Down to brass tacks. Do I believe that some people are transsexual and others are not? Leaving aside the really stupidly obvious answer to that question, yes – even among those who represent themselves as such. How about whether I believe there is some sort of relative status among TS? Yes, sort of. That is, because I believe in a hard distinction between transsexuals and others with different gender issues, it follows that I prioritize certain considerations that lead to that conclusion. What's not as obvious is that although I recognize intensity differences (for example) among actual transsexuals, I don't extend the comparative thinking to those I regard as non-transsexual. In that sense – and in that sense only – I simply don't care. I repeat: I. Don't. Care.

Fine. Now some can, and will, take that as an "inside – outside" distinction and further imply that it is exclusionary by nature. They will do it despite the fact that it doesn't remotely reflect my thinking. And some of them will compound that by insisting that I am in denial on the point. I don't care. Not because it doesn't fit in with the exclusionary nature of my little clique, but because my experience, advice, and participation here is not terribly pertinent to those who don't share the same condition.

This is one of those terrible, horrible things that seems to haunt people in this forum. To wit – if you are a male identified cross dresser, I only have the dimmest notion of what it is like to live your experience. That I thought I did at one time is immaterial. That I lived my life as a man helps, but doesn't go terribly far. In short, as strange as this will sound to some of those who have read this far, I have no idea why someone who identifies as a man would want to dress in women's clothing. And I'm not going to be very good at helping you if you view that as a problem. I can only help as it pertains to people like me who once thought they were such only to discover they were not.

Conversely, I'm excluded from the so-called ranks of true transsexuals by all kinds of combinations of people. Again, I don't care. WHY WOULD I?

I get it. But I don't.

[Anne2345]

I had not heard that one before, Nigella. That's pretty good. That's pretty good, that is, if by "scratching the itch for the rest of your life" you really mean "ripping your f'ing flesh clean off your body trying to stop a maddening itch that will never, ever, ever stop but will only get worse and worse and worse until you just rip it all right off and smash your brain on to the ground over and over and over again until it's no more and the pain is forever gone." If that's what you *really* meant, then it's spot on.

[Nigella]

I don't have a way with words, you said it much better than I did Anne

[arbon]

Yes Anne, you really do have a very visually descriptive way of saying things

Wow, thank you Lea for your comments on this. You explained what I think very well.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Thank you Lea..I really appreciated what you wrote..

[Carlene]

Lea, I think you have captured the complexities involved very well. The only thing I might add is the question, " for whom are we trans enough?" At the end of the day, perhaps, the person best to answer such a query, shoud be ourself. Do I believe that I am enough?

[Cindy J Angel]

Yes this is very hard and at times i dont feel i am tran enough to be on this fourm or be in the club. I had to go the the VA today. I was looking through my papper work and found my Dr notes were he wrote that i wented to transition. And the first thing i though of was to post it just to show how tran i was. I have thought of this time and time agen hell aver @÷÷=%/= day. I read aver bodys hard luck story and hope i wont have go through it. But i know if or when i can no longer take it. That will be my f=€= story. I worry how will i live were will i live can i take care of my self. This shit is what we all think of at times, I went to throw the towel in walk a way get the ÷€=&^ shit out of here. Then hours later iam back reading more crap trying to figure out how to get to the next step. Trying to be me with out losing aver thing. To day i had app with the VA i got to be me it was a very good day. I was treated with respect I felt I was a human being not a freak. At the va you have to show ID so thay know right off. I was treated as ME i felt i was ME. I was going to post that. But then i read this post. This is a good post for all i have went to start a post like this. We seam to be on a scale how trains are we are we are one are we ten. Why can we just b a 5 and that be ok.
Because we all went the 4£=€=£trophy and aver day some one moves it a little further down the road. Will i get there i dont know i do know i will just put one foot in front of the outher and keep moving. And when I stumble I hope you're there to help me love cindy

[Marleena]

Are we having fun yet? That's all I got....

[Aprilrain]

You guys are all just jealous cause you can't be as tranny as me!

[PretzelGirl]

Interesting the variations. I abdicate mine on a regular basis just because I don't need to wrap it around myself like a blanket on a cold day. But I can't see it gone all together as that would be leaving here and not being there for others local to me. So that is "trans enough" and that is good enough for me. Until I change my mind tomorrow anyway....

[arbon]

I can understand to why it comes up in the way that it does.
some of what went through my head 3 years ago, 4 years ago, 5 years ago- I did feel a need for the approval and acceptance of the women here and other ts women I was starting to know. I did feel like I sometimes needed to defend my transness with them - but it was not because of them, it was my own doubts and insecurities. I very much cared about what others thought of me. Sometimes I would get into arguments here and say things I regretted. It took me a while to find my own footing. It took me a while to some find confidence in myself and to get past feeling that need for others approval.

Even back when I started hrt I did not ask my therapist for a letter approving them for me because at the time I was afraid I was not really trans enough for her to approve them. So I did them without her avoiding the possible rejection. Though she did write me a letter about a year later. Pathetic I guess. After three years of not seeing or talking to her, I saw her again yesterday to have her write me a letter for surgery. The thought of not being trans enough for her to write the surgery letter never even crossed my mind. What a difference? How much I have changed. And when I met her yesterday it did not seem like it was really trans thing at all, but a womans issue.

[Suzanne F]

I know it doesn't matter if anyone approves of me or my decisions on this forum. However I do often compare notes to somehow assure myself I am not just crazy. Again I know better but I still do it.

There does seem to be a tone that if life isn't hell then we aren't TS because we aren't suffering enough. For me the suffering was greater or at least different when I had not shared my secret with anyone on this planet. The pain drove me to places I wouldn't wish on anyone. I have been clean and sober now for 13 years. I hoped I could avoid the truth but in the end rigorous honesty was the only way. I came out to my wife.

So now I am out everywhere except work and that will happen within the next year. HRT begins next month. Yes I could lose my wife and my job. So I guess I qualify. However, I feel like for the first time I have chosen to accept myself. I feel that if I face this great things are possible. I am excited about living in this world as the person I was meant to be! I want to be joyful and have gratitude that the hiding is over. Every new situation I have faced as a woman I have passed. I intend to continue to face challenges until they bury me in a beautiful and tasteful outfit!

Oh one more thing. I marched in the Trans Parade in San Francisco last year with my 16 year old daughter. Marching down Market Street was one of the most emotional experiences of my life. Simply the best!

Suzanne

[PaulaQ]

... I did feel a need for the approval and acceptance of the women here and other ts women I was starting to know. I did feel like I sometimes needed to defend my transness with them - but it was not because of them, it was my own doubts and insecurities. I very much cared about what others thought of me. Sometimes I would get into arguments here and say things I regretted.

Well, it doesn't help that really, we are often on our own - it's up to us to figure out what we need to do, even in many cases down to medical procedures. Reassurance from someone who's been down this path ahead of us helps - it's helpful too be told, "yeah, I felt the same way," especially when almost everyone else in the world tells you that you are delusional. Look, the argument "you have guy parts so you must be a man" is hard to argue with, because 99.7% of the time, it's true.

I can identify with what you wrote Theresa. I was very insecure and terrified when I started here, and really was at the end of my rope. I knew who I was, but I was terrified to go forward. And it was a difficult proposition to accept that everyone who'd known me during my entire life was just flat wrong about me. That sounded like insanity to me. Unlike you, I still say things I sometimes end up regretting later.

There are two things I intensely dislike about the act of judging another "not sufficiently trans." For one thing, such an attitude really erases and trivializes the experience of another -- an experience often fraught with real suffering. My experience as a trans* may be very different than that of another, but neither is more valid than the other. For another thing, such judgments, especially if they are based on what medical treatments one may have undergone, or outward appearances, just smack of privilege. Some people just have a tougher time of all this through no real fault of their own. Some of us are ridiculously lucky (if good "luck" is even a concept that even applies to being trans), and have an easier time through no real merit on our parts. (I feel the latter applies to me in many ways. This has been incredibly difficult, but I know others far worse off than I am.)

The strange part of it is, now, that I don't care whether or not anyone thinks I'm trans enough. Not anymore. Now I concern myself with being the most authentic woman I can be, and with trying to be a better person, and to do the right things for others. In a lot of ways, I don't really think of myself as trans. Oh, I most assuredly am, and I don't hide it. But though I call myself a "trans woman", honestly, that's mostly for medical and political purposes. I really just think of myself as a woman.

[Karen62]

Arbon, I do relate to your thoughts on this. I lived a life of 52 years not really understanding what the hell was wrong with me and why I feel this uncontrollable urge to express myself as feminine at times (and then the overwhelming urge to repress and hide that femininity from the world). When New Years Eve came around a few months back, a medical crisis forced me to re-evaluate my life priorities. I sat there, in front my my computer, fully dressed, and thought, "Hmmm, if I have a limited amount of time left as the doctor said, what should I do with it?*" I looked down at my body as I sat in the chair and said "WTF am I doing all this for? Why do I do this? Why can't I stop? What is the meaning of all this?" It was on that night that I decided to quit living in denial, quit living the lie (especially to myself), and to accept myself as transgendered with an agenda to find out how deep this mess goes. And with the lifting of the lid on Pandora's Box (and with the help of my therapist), I realized I have been transsexual all of my life, and all of these weird things now suddenly made sense.

That all said, when I joined this forum, I did so to learn from all of you and to find a community of people. I have been plagued with the "not trans enough" worry the entire time I've been here. But one of my big fears was, after for the first time in years (decades?) of feeling like I had found a community of people like me, that I would lose that, too, if I was discovered or assessed as "not trans enough." This is a freakin' scary road to be on (although getting off the road now seems to be out of the question). I have gotten so much out of the conversation with all of you here, and the fear of being cast aside as "not trans enough" has been a real worry for me.

This thread has actually be cathartic for me. I keep making the mistake in thinking that what I am going through is just happening to me, that no one else feels like I do. Yeah, I am a fool. But I do feel small and insignificant as I am still a new member, still so new to the road I am on, still so cautious about going out, still so tied up in anxiety, even though I do acknowledge that I have taken some big steps that just months ago would have been unimaginable. I am deeply humbled to hear many of you to whom I look up to as leaders and wise women share many of the same feelings.

Arbon, your last paragraph was pretty telling. I think you, like me, have not fully recognized the huge steps you have taken in your life (especially you compared to me!). I hope you find as much strength in this thread as I have. Thank you for starting it.

Karen

* I don't want to hijack this thread, but some context to what I wrote above: As to the aforementioned medical crisis, I was officially diagnosed with a severe form of incurable, untreatable, and potentially fatal genetic kidney disease after a genetic test confirmed it. However, I have reasons to also think that kidney doctor was a ego-centric @$$ as I asked him tough questions about his knowledge of the disease, especially my highly unusual version of it, and when I questioned his broad proclamations about my being track (to get kidney failure), his answers to my questions were that "It doesn't matter". It's a long story, but I have reasons to believe I will be fine, for at least a while, if not for a very long time. But every twinge of discomfort I feel because of my kidneys is another reminder that I am on this road for a reason, and there is no regret. Just keep moving forward and find that life I've always wanted -- peace is there (I surely hope).