It's taken a lifetime but I think I know better now.

[shayleetv]

The other day I read a crossdressers attempt to explain why she crossdressed. And like everyone else that I have read, her attempt distilled down to “I really can’t explain it. At the time I chuckled, but latter I wondered if I could have done any better.
After a lifetime of crossdressing I went back to the time that I was aware that the girl clothes I was wearing were really for girls and not boys. But it didn’t matter to me, I was as comfortable in either boy or girl clothes.
When I was young my sister needed a girl playmate because there were no girls for her to play; she manufactured a girl in me. I didn’t complain and neither did my mom, but dad did. Our playtime as sisters became restricted to when dad was not around.
When I became a cub scout we had skits and there was always a part for a girl, so one of us boys in the den was expected to play the part. I was the only one who didn’t make a fuss; after all I didn’t see girls clothes as something to be scared. So in all the skits I had fun being the designated girl.
One day when I was almost 11 years old I was being dressed up to the nines by mom in a party dress, full make up, wig, inch and a half high heels and even a training bra that gave me noticeable budding bobbies for a Cub Scout skit, I happened to get glancing sight of myself in a mirror. I went back to get a better look and that is the defining moment that created the girl me. I got excited and that is putting it mildly. After that night I couldn’t wait to get dressed again, and again. It was then that I realized the there was something different when I wore girl clothes as to when I wore boy clothes
At first the clothes were exciting and I did get excited. Then something funny happened when I had the opportunity to be dressed all day and into the evening. The excitement wore off and then the everyday feeling of being me, only now I was dressed as a girl. I noticed that I felt the same as when dressed as a boy but now very calm and feeling nice. This is how I feel now when dressed some 60 years later. It is a feeling that I don’t get when in male mode and it is a hunger that my mind craves. When the desire to dress is not satisfied I become agitated, short tempered and not a pleasant person to be around. I crossdress because I like feeling of contentment I see in myself.
Something else that I haven’t mentioned is the drug my mother took to prevent her from a miscarriage. The drug is documented to cause boys not to get enough male hormones during the pregnancy that they need. There are many males whose mothers took this drug that are transgendered, considerably more than in the general public. This drug was widely used in the 1930’s and fell out of favor in the early 1940’s because it was basically ineffective in preventing miscarriages.
I was born in 1941. To my way of thinking that is probably why I feel comfortable seeing myself as a woman from time to time. Which goes along the same lines that my wife says about me, that I think more like a woman than a man.

[DianeDeBris]

Hi Shaylee - thanks for your note, it certainly resonates with me. Can you say what the anti-miscarriage drug was?
Hugs - Diane

[DanaR]

Very nice story, thanks for sharing it with us. In a lot of ways, I totally relate to your story.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Thanks for your story. I feel the same way that you do. You look wonderful, by the way!!

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

great story shaylee and you picture shows a refined lady

[Paula_Femme]

...Can you say what the anti-miscarriage drug was?

Quite possibly is was DES, Diethylstilbestrol, the first synthetic form of Oestrogen, which was discovered in 1938. It was prescribed to pregnant Women in massive amounts, and the effects have been passed from generation to generation, to what are now known as DES Sons, and DES Daughters.

The side effects have been so wide ranging and so catastrophic, DES has been termed the, Silent Thalidomide.

[StacyCD]

My mother took DES when she carried me as well!

[valeriesue]

Shaylee,

Your story moved me. I too feel very calm when I am dressed and it just feels right to be that way.

[Rhanda]

You may have something there. This all took place after I was born but I was the third child. My parents had a girl and then a boy before me and wanted another girl. I wasn't raised on a farm but my mother was and she ran the household like it was a farm. If I wasn't the girl that she hoped for I could still learn to cook, sew and clean house. I don't hold that against her at all because these are things that I still like to do.
Actually I am also very good with mechanical things.
I have always been very close with my sister and shared many girl things with her. She is 5 1/2 years older than me and being the only girl in the family had lots of clothes that I could dress in. I better quit or I will be accused of stealing this thread.

Rhanda

[justmetoo]

Great photo! You look Marvelous!

[bridget thronton]

Thanks for sharing your story and posting your very nice portrait

[manemami]

it is really interesting story with me i am raised by loving mother and i was playing with my older cousin sisters and always avoided playing with boys and feels energetic, relaxed and free in female mode.

[TinaZ]

Thank you for sharing your wonderful story, Shaylee. I think this is the first time I've read someone's explanation that resonates with me. Specifically, dressing during my earlier years most definitely was "exciting" (I think everyone understands what that means!) but that has been replaced by a sense of calm and happiness that I haven't really attained in my male mode. I'm working on it, though! I'd love to be able to access "Tina" without going through an hour of makeup and wardrobe.

To be clear - even if I could access the feelings that Tina allows me to access without dressing, I most certainly would still cross dress! It's just too fun!

[Lynn Marie]

Great story Shaylee, thanks for sharing it.

[Teresa]

Shaylee,
Thanks so much for sharing your CDing history with us .
My start into CDing was sexual , my brain made connections between my GF, clothes and sex at about 9 years . The way you describe how you feel now echoes exactly how I feel about dressing ! I'm so desperate to be more open to satisfy those feelings, I guess it's become stronger because I know CDing is for life ! Now I accept that I feel the shame and guilt has fallen away !
I can't comment on the effect of the medication you mention, many believe we are affected by hormones secreted by the mother during pregnancy !

Thanks also for sharing your picture, age becomes scary with CDing but you look great !

[Claire Cook]

Shaylee,

So much of what you've written resonates with me and I'm sure with others. The feeling of being content, being complete -- you've described what I feel so much. And the interesting thing for me is that others sense this when they interact with Claire -- some have told me they prefer my female side.

Thanks again for sharing your story, and that photo is utterly charming. You have two years on me, but I think we are both aging very gracefully!

Hugs,

Claire

[Laura912]

Shaylee, your story and picture are lovely. Although we were born the same year, you seem much younger! The drug your mother took was DES or diethylstilbesterol. In the 80's and 90's there was a lot of attention to the children of mothers who took DES, even to the extent of claiming certain cancers were increased in the daughters. Most of that has been disproven. That DES caused you or anyone else to be gender confused, is not very likely. Were that so, then there should have been a large increase in the CD population in the children born around the 40's through 50's. That increase did not happen to my knowledge.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Shaylee, I'm just one year younger than you and that may be the same thing for me.
your picture shows that look of Classic Elegance.

[ClosetED]

Your story certainly resonates with me and I agree with everyone else, you give us hope how beautiful we can still look as we get older. Laura912 is correct about DES-we would have seen a major jump in CDing if that was really connected to DES exposure. Here is what the CDC says about DES http://www.cdc.gov/DES/consumers/dow...des_update.pdf
Hugs, Ellen
(should be post #200 ! )

[Beverley Sims]

Shaylee,
Reading the heading of your post I was going to give one of my offhand comments.
"It's taken me a lifetime and I still am none the wiser."

You have put the cat amongst the pigeons with a thought provoking post.
I think a lot of us should try and research our mothers medical history.
I know I am going to delve into mine as I am able to get access to records.

Among all the theories that abound there must be "something".

[sometimes_miss]

Interesting reading about DES sons. I only recently learned that my mom had several miscarriages before I was born. I had asked her about thalidomide, but not anything else (of course she denied taking that, knowing that it was a bad thing to do). She's never been completely honest with me about much of anything, but I will ask about this anyway. Kind of makes me wonder if it had anything to do with my very late puberty and genital development (or lack of).

[Paula_Femme]

The drug your mother took was DES or diethylstilbesterol. In the 80's and 90's there was a lot of attention to the children of mothers who took DES, even to the extent of claiming certain cancers were increased in the daughters. Most of that has been disproven. That DES caused you or anyone else to be gender confused, is not very likely. Were that so, then there should have been a large increase in the CD population in the children born around the 40's through 50's. That increase did not happen to my knowledge.

Cancers, and other problems, in both the male and female children of Women who were prescribed DES are well documented, and the subject of ongoing research, now into the 3rd generation, as per the National Cancer Institute and the CDC, gender specific reports of which are here and here.

Laura912 is correct about DES-we would have seen a major jump in CDing if that was really connected to DES exposure. Here is what the CDC says about DES http://www.cdc.gov/DES/consumers/dow...des_update.pdf
Hugs, Ellen

Any linkage between DES and Gender Dysphoria has certainly not been proven by any long-term scientific studies, such as those above for cancers etc, but then again, those kinds of in-depth studies don't seem to have been carried out in the first place. There have been some small scale studies carried out on rats etc which seem to indicate "something" has happened to the offspring of females that were given high doses of DES; issues in humans seem to be anecdotal, or self reported on sites such as DESAction.org, and Shaylee's comments above.

As for the "proof" that there was no increase in the CD population in the 40's and 50's etc, well, who would admit to being a Crossdresser back then, Hell, who admits to being a Crossdresser NOW?! LOL! As I write this post there are 306 people viewing the site, 65 are members, which means 241 are "guests;" how many of those guests are actually CD's themselves?

As I believe Carl Sagan once said, "The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence;" much more serious and long-term research needs to be done before anyone can say for sure whether a link between DES and Gender Dysphoria does, or does not, exist.

[Vikky]

Hi Shaylee

What an interesting post. I can relate to some of what you say. Having come to all this late in life and reading posts here about the roots of CDing, I can recall seeing my mother wandering around the house a lot in just a slip. I also remember seeing her doing up her stockings to her suspender belt. As the eldest of three, I wonder whether she really wanted me to be a girl, but I have no recollection of being dressed as one.

As I have written here before, I have given up on trying to analyse it all – just enjoy it. I am in a state of bliss when dressed.

By the way you look amazing.

Vikky

[katie elouise]

Hi Shaylee a great post .So well put about your mental state if you go for any length of time without being true to yourself ,I totally relate to feeling like this and think it's quite common to feel this way for others too .Katie x.