Nearly revealed myself as transgender today at work :(

[AletaHawk]

Lately transgender issues, both positive and negative, have been in the news. I've always been a vocal LGBT rights supporter on Facebook, so naturally I've been sharing some of the stuff I've see on Facebook. It's par for the course for me, so I've never thought much of it. Now I may have to.

Today, during a one-to-one conversation with my boss, he asked me if a family member or friend was transgender. He made it clear before asking that I didn't have to respond, but it certainly made me feel like he had made an assumption I wasn't ready to confirm as the truth.

I just told him it's an issue I care a lot about, but now I'm feeling even more guilty than I have been lately. I'm very much in the closet. Before, my lying/hiding was passive, as it's fairly easy for a gender-fluid genetic male like myself that is both married and has a child to pass as just your average straight guy. Now that I've been sort of confronted, I feel like I'm actively deceiving someone and it's not sitting well with me.

Anyone else dealt with something like this?

[mykell]

ive dealt with it, when people make rude comments about transgenders and i stick up for them and if they call me out i simply say someone in my family is, (they dont necessarily have to know its me) and if they push who i just say its its kind of private for my family and leave it at that....

[jessica2009]

Can your boss even legally ask that? curious or not that to me is a form of harassment.

[Jorja]

First, it is none of your bosses business unless it is affecting your work. Second, Do Not let that genie out of the bottle unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences. If asked again, you might say a family member is transgendered and you love them dearly. You just want to see them treated properly. Are you still lying? No. Lastly, never feel ashamed or guilty about your CDing. You have done nothing wrong and are not causing others harm. Hold your head up and be proud. You are special!

[jessica2009]

well said

[Beverley Sims]

I have denied it in the past to some knowing people and all it has done is left them confused.
No moral issues or guilt in not admitting it.

[reb.femme]

My answer would be in the form of another question. Why do you ask?

It would be great to be out to the world at large, but the reality is a whole new ball game.

Rebecca

[Katey888]

Hi Aleta,

You don't make this clear, but I assume that when you've been sharing stuff you've seen on FB you've been doing this at work? If you have and either a co-worker or IT has flagged you doing this, I'd take a slightly different view and suggest your boss might be trying to be understanding? Your workplace will likely have policies related to IT-usage and most companies I've worked for have had a 'reasonable personal use' policy but not everywhere does.

If your sharing isn't taking place at work then you'd have every right not to answer the question (as you seem to have done somewhat) and in fairness your boss has recognised that you perhaps are not compelled to answer... I suppose this is one of those things that can happen if we choose to broadcast our interests and affiliations on the public platform of social media. You don't say what type of role you have (and you're not compelled to... ) but it's known that some industries will use social media to provide background on potential and current employees - it may not be legitimate to be able to use that information, but it's awfully difficult to prove.

I'd suggest either finding out your boss' motivations for asking (if you're able to and if safe to do so) and where you might stand if someone else 'decided' that you were TG or too much of an activist. Better to lay low for a while and think about this than do something potentially career-limiting. And don't think of this as passive lying/hiding - you have a right to privacy and keeping quiet about your personal life is all you're doing.

Katey x

[Amy Fakley]

That's a pretty damn bold question for someone to ask in the workplace, especially someone you report to. My guess is that this person is new to management and is in over his head, either that, or way low on the totem (low enough not to know the liability he incurred asking that kind of question, or low enough for nobody to care that he's that kind of dumbass).

I honestly have no idea how I'd respond in a situation like that. I'd like to think I'd be fast enough on my feet to make a social justice argument, and leave it at that. "None of us are free until we're all free". Truthfully, I'd probably be so rattled that I couldn't even tell you my name.

So what was the context? Was it a friendly inquiry, or the raised eyebrow kind?
For all you know, he may be a sister trying to reach out, though you'd think if that were the case he'd know better than to talk about it at the office!

[mechamoose]

That question treads *really* close to forbidden territory. Your work *can't* ask you about your status. You can choose to tell them, but they *can't* ask (USA anyway).

If you choose to come out at work, the *first* people you need to talk to about it are in HR.

I feel like some context is missing. What would bring a manager to ask that kind of question unless there was some push from HR.. in which care, *HR* would be leading that charge.

You have rights in this area. If you feel threatened, go to HR.

<3

- MM

[Vickie_CDTV]

I don't know if it is illegal to ask everywhere... but there is a serious amount of liability in asking such a question.

I don't know if you were doing Facebook at work, or if your boss was "spying" on your personal life. If it is the latter, he should really mind is own business. It is a shame that you can't set profiles on Facebook to "private" anymore!

[mykell]

hi aleta,
after re-reading and some of the responses i would suggest that you make an appointment with HR thru e-mail so its documented, seams someone at work is prying into your personal life, as mentioned you have a right to privacy, dont make a big deal with HR, all you have to do is mention that it made you feel uncomfortable that he asked and that he had to be on your facebook to know that info, agian mention someone in your family is trans (they do not have to know its you and you should not feel guilty about that whatsoever) and you would expect some privacy about it, a) its documented by doing this b) you save your privacy c) things should not change for you at work, it would be seen as a misunderstanding, if things do....its been documented.... and if it does go any further ask for another meeting with HR and mention your attorney suggested it, that i do have experience with and you can PM me if you wish....

[AletaHawk]

Really appreciate the advice from everyone. It's exactly the kind of support I love from this group.

Looking back on it, I may have overreacted a bit. The tone of the question was very respectful, and (as best I know) wasn't the result of any snooping. We're a very small company (only 10 people), and we're all friends. I'm 99% positive that if I did choose to come out, I'd have the entire office's full support.

What really took me back was the randomness of the question coupled with my wife telling me that same morning that she was worried people were going to start asking questions. I guess I just need to keep a lower profile for a bit on Facebook

[mechamoose]

What really took me back was the randomness of the question coupled with my wife telling me that same morning that she was worried people were going to start asking questions.

(Sorry for the 'next link' quote Mods)

But I don't believe in these kind of 'coincidences'. A wise person doesn't ask a question that they do not already know the answer to.

My belief is that you need to understand the ground you are standing on and the circumstances that surround you.

There are *real*, *serious* *limits* on what an employer can ask you. If you have any doubt, (Assuming you are in the US) check in with your local office of the American Civil Liberties Union. I'm certain that they would be *delighted* to advise you.

*DON'T*CURL*UP*IN*A*BALL*

This smells, REALLY smells, and you have RIGHTS.

Don't be *afraid* to stand up for yourself, honey. Just because folks like us are not common doesn't mean that we end up on the curb.

Don't freak out, but don't be a victim, either.

- MM

[WhitneyCD]

Last year I made a display at work promoting civil rights & equal treatment that included a blip about Janet Mock. When someone asked about it, I told them I thought she was gorgeous and loved her Stephen Colbert
The ongoing "joke" in the office about clothing is anything goes on Saturday nights. Probably only a matter of time before I really slip up!

[DanaR]

Hi Aleta,

You don't make this clear, but I assume that when you've been sharing stuff you've seen on FB you've been doing this at work? If you have and either a co-worker or IT has flagged you doing this, I'd take a slightly different view and suggest your boss might be trying to be understanding? Your workplace will likely have policies related to IT-usage and most companies I've worked for have had a 'reasonable personal use' policy but not everywhere does.

If your sharing isn't taking place at work then you'd have every right not to answer the question (as you seem to have done somewhat) and in fairness your boss has recognised that you perhaps are not compelled to answer... I suppose this is one of those things that can happen if we choose to broadcast our interests and affiliations on the public platform of social media. You don't say what type of role you have (and you're not compelled to... ) but it's known that some industries will use social media to provide background on potential and current employees - it may not be legitimate to be able to use that information, but it's awfully difficult to prove.

I'd suggest either finding out your boss' motivations for asking (if you're able to and if safe to do so) and where you might stand if someone else 'decided' that you were TG or too much of an activist. Better to lay low for a while and think about this than do something potentially career-limiting. And don't think of this as passive lying/hiding - you have a right to privacy and keeping quiet about your personal life is all you're doing.

Katey x

I have to agree with Katey, you might lay low and not access Facebook or any other TG related sites at work.

[scarlett]

That question treads *really* close to forbidden territory. Your work *can't* ask you about your status. You can choose to tell them, but they *can't* ask (USA anyway).

If you choose to come out at work, the *first* people you need to talk to about it are in HR.

I feel like some context is missing. What would bring a manager to ask that kind of question unless there was some push from HR.. in which care, *HR* would be leading that charge.

You have rights in this area. If you feel threatened, go to HR.

<3

- MM

Why do people who have NO idea of what they are talking about have to chime in? The OP is in Florida. It is perfectly (or maybe imperfectly) legal to ask. It is legal to fire her if they don't like the answer.
Talk to HR? Oh sure. Has it not occurred to you that the HR checks come from the same place as the boss in question? When they want to fire someone the first one they talk to is HR. Get out of fantasyland where you have a magical friend in HR. You don't, the boss does.
Why do people in other states and countries with NO knowledge of local laws have to chime in with bogus advice?

[DanaR]

........................... Has it not occurred to you that the HR checks come from the same place as the boss in question? When they want to fire someone the first one they talk to is HR. Get out of fantasyland where you have a magical friend in HR. You don't, the boss does..........................

That is so true, don't ask me how I know.

[Marcelle]

Hi Aleta,

I have to agree with Katey on this one. I did not sense in your post that your boss was being "negative" but more likely trying to discern if this is something that he or the company can help you with. It was a bold question but it could have been coming from a place of concern. An intolerant person is more likely to say something along the lines of "I don't know if you have someone in your family who is transgender but keep that out of the workplace".

Just my two cents.

Hugs

Isha

[mechamoose]

Scarlett:

I'm not in a fantasyland, I'm in Massachusetts. Forgive me for forgetting that we have States that don't treat us all the same way.

In the process of further educating myself, I found this: ACLU: Rights of Transgender people.

Do laws that prohibit sex discrimination protect transgender people?

An increasing number of courts say yes. Although there are some older decisions saying that the federal law banning sex discrimination in employment (Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act) does not prohibit gender identity discrimination, federal courts that have considered the issue more recently (e.g., the Courts of Appeals for the Sixth, Ninth, and Eleventh Circuits, covering Kentucky, Michigan, Ohio, Tennessee; Alaska, Arizona, California, Hawaii, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, Oregon, Washington; Alabama, Florida and Georgia) have found some protections in the 1964 Civil Rights Act for transgender people.

It isn't perfect, but there is *something* there.

- MM

[Shelly Preston]

The problem here is that we have no idea why the boss has asked. I would suggest since there was no requirement to answer. It seems the question was more out of concern.

The boss may be aware of transgender issues even if he or she is unaware of the best way of approaching the subject.

Without knowing why we can never be sure of the right response.

[RenneB]

Had a similar situation several months ago. Our HR person mentioned that there are no protections in this state for alternate lifestyles, but we should all be respectful of each other. They specifically mentioned that some of the "new" lifestyles are men trying to be women. I froze when I heard that as I am an at-will / no-cause employee. I am sure that one of the people that I work with must have seen me in one of my "after work" outfits and mentioned something to them.

It just makes me be a little more careful... that and I'm looking for a job in a state that is a little more progressive.....

Renne.....

[Jackie7]

Something like that happened to me in the last job I had before retiring. For whatever reason, I suppose because I had been outed in the past and he had heard rumors about me, the prospective boss took me to lunch to explain how he had helped a previous employee come out and transition on the job. He didn't ask me about me, but he clearly was looking for me to jump toward the idea. Since I am a crossdresser with no intention to change gender, I had already thought this through and decided to say nothing beyond polite murmurs. Glad I did because it wasn't long before the s.o.b. revealed his true colors.

[PaulaQ]

I know I often encourage y'all to be out and to make a stand with the rest of the trans community. But survival does matter, and Florida is one of the states where they are trying to pass anti-trans legislation. I'd be very careful there, especially at work.

Aleta, it sucks having to lie about who you are. It feels dishonest because it IS dishonest. Here's what you need to keep in mind:
1. Where you live you can be punished for being honest about yourself. If they don't treat you ethically, you don't owe them ethical treatment back. And it is very unethical that they can fire you for being who you are.
2. You have a family to think about. They come first, and if that means you have to hide in an unfair world, well that's just what you have to do.

Don't feel guilty. There is a time and a place to make a stand, but that wasn't the moment for it.

[Bootsiegalore]

First, it is none of your bosses business unless it is affecting your work. Second, Do Not let that genie out of the bottle unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences. If asked again, you might say a family member is transgendered and you love them dearly. You just want to see them treated properly. Are you still lying? No. Lastly, never feel ashamed or guilty about your CDing. You have done nothing wrong and are not causing others harm. Hold your head up and be proud. You are special!

I agree... I know someone who was discovered by his employer of 12 years and was abruptly terminated as a result. It was the employer who told me about it. He said "I had to fire him". It was totally wrong and should be illegal. Do say it is a family member it questioned.

R