Loving life

[GabbiSophia]

Just a short note about loving life..

I love the fact that I have to pop pills the rest of my life ..
I love that instead of buying the dream house I get to spend my money on new body parts and a new face
I love that I after a life of ridicule get to go back to a life of even more ridicule
I love the fact that I can never move to an island because I need to stay near a doctor to always make sure I am balanced
I love that my brain is in direct contrast to my wants
I love that my kids will now have two moms and no dad
I love that my kids get to experience ridicule not because of something they have done but what I am
I love the notion that I have erase all the business plans I had and prepare for the "what if's" that aren't even business related
I absolutely love that I get to be TS for the rest of my life
I love that I am 6'6 330 pounds and get to live life as a woman who is big enough to play in the nfl
I love the fact that I have already spent a fortune on therapy to figure out that I need more therapy
I love that I have denial and refuse to do anything about it
I love that the denial makes have the worst thoughts
I love the fact that I get to crush my step kids image of me just as he is starting to learn that not all guys are like his dad
I love that I have a size 15 shoe and have to shop in 2 stores to buy womens shoes
I love that science is so far behind that they can't help except to transform the body


It's great being ts I mean great

But I tell you what I truly and honestly do love ...

That I have two wonderful kids, great step kid, and a wife that wants me to be ok and survive..... They are the only reason I even put up with this crap

[Jorja]

Every cloud has a silver lining.

[Aprilrain]

Every silver linings gotta touch of gray.

I don't really appreciate drawing the TS card either Gabbi but we have no choice but to play the hand we're dealt.

[Jorja]

In a few years you will find out that a touch of grey isn't so bad.

[sarahcsc]

Hi Gabbi,

They say pain and misery builds character.

I love my character.

Maybe you forgot to add that to your list.

Love,
Sarah

[GabbiSophia]

Jorja silver tarnishes and to look for the lining has exhausted me. The only relief it would bring is GD to end ... then what ??? It's like Theresa said " suffer now suffer later... you choose." yall will have to excuse me as I do not see this just being "life as usual". There is nothing in life that I have found that fundamentally forces you to change from who you were. How is this "life goes on" when you have to face it everyday but you have to do it as this "new" person. How can it be just the usual when I have to totally redirect my life because I fundamentally change. I mean no disrespect but I see people who have gone all they way just to crash because in the end they are still TS. Unless you just blend, fade away and cut all previous ties you might as well be branded with a scarlet letter. If this is about building character then I will be one dimensional cause the character it is building is my anger and depression and they suck when mixed together.

[arbon]

It varies from person to person, Gabbi.

Going through transition was difficult for me. But, and I think it is like this for most us, I adapted and got through. Life got better. The turmoil on the inside diminished.
I am still a little messed up but its really nothing like I used to be. I don't suffer like I used to.

I know large women who transitioned and are happy today.

Branded - sometimes I feel like that. But I take it any day over the life I had.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Well that was enjoyably weird, thanks!

Hugs, ice cream, surfer chicks, anything you like-

Nikki

[GabbiSophia]

I find that I have no power over what is happening. I came to a spot in life before as some call it, "my bell rang", that I rather liked my life. Now though it is a constant struggle to find that place of happiness I had found before. I even tried to duplicate the events so that I could try and manipulate the situation. All this to no avail. The definition of insanity is starting to sink in and I am having a hard time coming to grips with it. My emotions run heavy now a days and this thread is one of them.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

many of us have been there Gabbi...
sometimes saying "you are not alone in this" is all that can be said...

I can promise that gender dysphoria can be beat. Beating it is very empowering but that still leaves you in a situation that you do not find attractive right now (understatement).
But many of us have been there too and got through it.

One potential thing you can do is try to compartmentalize long term and short term... you can know in your heart of hearts that you will beat this in the future, that you are a woman and will live as one in the future, but in the short term you do nothinggs about it and let it play out naturally and see if that helps you get through the days and nights.. get thru this right now by literally doing nothing...it wont change the long term but it can help you right now...

[Frances]

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression... and acceptance. It's coming, don't worry.

[GabbiSophia]

Kaitlyn you are correct .. your understatement is an understatement....

Frances ... Yeah ... I know ... I am just trying to find ways to go back to the start ... not many options left ... My 40th will probably be my coming out ...next year

[Inna]

I don't know why I am typing here as I know, no words can ease the gravity of a massive black hole of turmoil over your head.
No I won't say it gets better, in fact as you already put it quite sarcastically yet succinctly, it gets rather worst.
However, and yes there shall be However, as reality relentlessly refuses to release the grip of conformity, you will start to realize that this dreaded condition of transness will slowly transform your perception of reality shifting the focus onto center of being, true self, without conformity and hopefully arriving at no regret despite all the consequence. Just as in Matrix, Neo wakes up to the reality far darker and harsh then before the wakeup call, same for you, you are now waking up into reality of perception of the plateau of existence within the state of truth.
Truth into love, and love into self.
Now ask your self, which pill do you take.......

[LeaP]

It takes a while to find truth, Inna. Longer yet to love it. Hardest of all is learning that you can love it while still experiencing it's pain. We are so focused on change that sometimes we forget that we have to accept things about ourselves that we don't currently like.

[GabbiSophia]

Inna the funny thing is I do not believe we get a choice on the pill they may look different but in the end I see now that the result is the same.

Lea I am not sure that I will ever love this. I may be able to deal and put up with it but I do not see loving it. Maybe I am just to immature in this subject yet but all I see now is that transitioning is sitting in the way of me moving on with my life.

[arbon]

If you are a woman then love and honor yourself as such. That is moving on with your life. Its everything else that is standing in the way.

[LeaP]

I didn't say that you would love "this." I said you had to learn to love the truth. Think about what Theresa just wrote. Then ask yourself whether it is truly your circumstances that you hate or whether you really still hate yourself for being what you are. Or if you can even tell the difference.

[GabbiSophia]

of course it is the circumstances ...but admitting it means I know what to do and that is the part I hate ... as for being in love with the truth. I am not sure where you are coming from on that comment.

Theresa I get what you are saying but the agony of what it does to love yourself when you have to change the world is hard. I get it though, or should I say, I am to the point now that I understand what your saying. I am just not there yet.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Love and honor yourself as a person. I am still working on it. I spent 40+ years alone in my head surviving. Poor poor me, but i have no choice but to keep going.

Now that i feel alive i do look back with mixed feelings but the GD is gone, i feel like it never happened..i can't imagine what its like to be anything but what i am right now and that hugely simplifies my life...outside of support forums, weak moments and the occasional burst of anger i just wake up and go about my business without any gender thoughts in my head at all...without any pity thoughts, without any anger thoughts...its just life.

[GabbiSophia]

one of my fears is just that Kaitlyn. I want to be happy and move on. I have tons to do and plans for my life out the wazoo. I am afraid that this is holding me back and that going forward I will be miserable. I get that as Lea says "that's just life" but the added pressure of always being TS drives me down. I wish I could blend and fade away so that I didn't have to deal with any of this, as man or a woman, just to live life the way I want to. I wonder if it is something that I will always be looking over my shoulder wondering if it is going to "catch" me. Call me or it whatever you want but to happiness without all this would be nice... of course I am sure pigs will fly backwards too ..science needs to hurry up on both .. hmmmm pig wings.... great now I am hungry

[Kaitlyn Michele]

what i'm saying Gabbi is that Gender dysphoria is a dysfunction in your life and it resides inside your head...it colors everything... you can choose to live with it and it will always be there chipping away at your quality of life...

if you can beat it, and it's gone, then your mind will open up in a way you cannot imagine...its not perfect...you will have your own feelings and my message was meant to be equally realistic and hopeful/positive..

so many people "Want" what they can't have or wish they were somebody else... for us its an existential life threatening crisis......we actually live feeling like we ARE somebody else and over time it can be very very painful

you get rid of that part of it by what you are doing now....and yes you may still be left with wishing it were different but welcome to the human race....you will be what you are instead of what you are not..you can't feel that now

[becky77]

It's certainly not easy. It's hard to say anything that will genuinely help, i've come to terms with my gender identity but still feel bitter about certain unchangeable genetic aspects.
What I have come to learn from people on here is that you have to grind through some tough years, but your perspective of things does change if you make it out the other side. I feel like i'm still in that dark tunnel but there is a small light at the end to follow.
I have a goal and it keeps me progressing, seems like you are at odds with where this is going for you and that is a horrible place to be mentally. The doubt can eat you up, when I finally told work it felt like a massive relief in that it was done now, no holding back everyone knows and I just have go along with the ride. It's so freeing to have no more secrets and not pretend anymore, if people like it or not doesn't matter you can be yourself.

My 40th also became a milestone, I was determined I would see in my forties as a woman. I find having a plan helps, keeps you from floundering.

I feel your pain, wish I could help.

[LeaP]

Gabbi, what I was gently suggesting is that you re-examine whether you really know the difference. Perhaps a better way to ask would have been whether you perceive or feel the difference. This is not, in the end, a matter of what you know intellectually. The circumstances may get better – or they may get worse. You might run into family barriers with renewed vigor. You might hit financial issues. All of it will be just as difficult in many ways as it is right now. But you won't necessarily be fighting or protesting the way you are now, either. And this is where the difference comes into play. Hopefully you will reach a point when what you have to do is just that. It will be obvious and it will be largely unquestioned. And it will still suck. The value of acting on truth – your truth – will leave you no other option. Feeling that was pretty remarkable. Nothing short of that would have made me move.

[Inna]

if being a Transperson isn't acceptable then do NOT accept it!
I started my rebirth from exactly that perspective, I could not see my self as a TS/TG but needed to live a genuine life as a woman.
You are quite ahead of me as I started at 44y.o. 6'1'' 227lbs body builder.
Perseverance is the key, regardless of how much it hurt I pushed on. Grueling diet, aesthetic practice, every minute was filled with pursuit of femininity.
Now, 159lbs, shapely, 5'10'' and a woman to simply everyone and anyone.
Dreams however farfetched are tangible you just need to believe with every cell of your body and every thought of your mind!!!