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Thread: Balance?

  1. #1
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    Balance?

    Wondering how others feel.. When I dress a lot it seems I have more desire to dress more and more often. To the point I do it every day after work/weekends etc. Then I'll go through a spell that life will get to busy, long work hours, social events etc on weekends, travel, and I won't dress at all for a week or two.

    What seems to happen very quickly is that I'll become "down" about Victoria and try to convince myself I don't need her and am too busy. I become irritable and more easily stressed during these periods that I do not or cannot dress

    This is coming from someone that due to a unsupportive relationship did not dress at all for nearly 10 years..

    There may not be a right answer, but I'm really struggling to balance Victoria in my life. It seems it's either total takeover or cold turkey no Victoria for weeks on end.

  2. #2
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    Hi Victoria,

    I have also been dressing rarely in the past years, and am dressing more actively since a few months. I realized this is normal and not those years. Yes, you can last long without dressing and then you get used to not doing it. There are ways to release energies. Dressing also becomes hard, you need to pack things out again, then pack back and away. You many times just find it too much effort. Sustained dressing to me is your girl part being readily accessible and proportinate time allocated. Going overboard? Maybe you are just cathing up. I am a bit, but it does not bother my male life.

    Kisses,

    Detty

  3. #3
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    Hi Victoria,

    Balance takes time and while some find it earlier than others most do find it eventually. For some it might be stealing a moment or two in a month for others it might once or twice a week while for others it might be underdressing only. What I found worked for me was to find my saturation point where dressing becomes hard to maintain (i.e., my guy side needed to express himself). At that point I backed away and continued guy until that saturation point was reached (i.e., my girl side needed to express herself). This was a bit of to and froing but eventually I found balance. I now live about 40/60 split (female/male).

    Hugs

    Isha

  4. #4
    Senior Member Melissa Rose's Avatar
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    Cycling between feeling good and bad about aspects of dressing seems to be fairly common. Some of the causes are out of your control or others are not. Real life gets in the way sometimes. It you look at other things in your life that bring you joy, comfort, pleasure, etc., you may find a similar type of cycling, but maybe not as obvious. Use the up time to enjoy it and use the down time to anticipate and recharge. Sometimes the excitement of anticipation is as good as getting there. Life is full of ups and downs. Treating them like a merry-go-round instead of a roller coaster when you can makes it easier to bear.

    I've observed parallels between cross dressing and a new relationship. At first the other person is all you can think about, you want to spend all of your time with them and cannot get enough time to be with them, you feel bad when they are not around, and they dominate your thoughts and feelings to where it pushes back other parts of your life. After a while the relationship finds an equilibrium where you development a balance with all of aspects of your life and there may be a few rough spots along the way. There is nothing wrong with finding and loving this balance - even though it is less exciting at times, there can be great comfort and satisfaction in it, and this balance is necessary in building and maintaining a healthy relationship. Give yourself some time to find this balanced relationship with yourself and cross dressing. Enjoy and be grateful for the up times and use the down times to look forward to the next up time.

  5. #5
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    Balance doesn't mean 50:50. It's the mix that feels right for you, whether is 24/7, 80/20, or 20/80. First you need to reach a point where you accept yourself in your entirety. Then finding the balance that works for you becomes a good deal easier.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  6. #6
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    I'm no expert, but I'm reasonably sure that the imbalance comes from viewing Victoria and her male counterpart as polar opposites. I've found more peace and balance when I accept that Jennie isn't separate from me, she's me. And the male counterpart is me. Not two individuals struggling for control but a single person who has both those aspects. Then I allow Jennie to be there when I'm presenting male. And I allow the male to be there when I'm presenting female. Together they form the person I should have been all along but was erroneously taught to separate. Just something to think about.

  7. #7
    Senior Member MsVal's Avatar
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    Hello Victoria,

    I'm not convinced that 'balance' is something that should be a goal, so I don't recommend its use as a metric. I'd much rather work toward 'comfort'.

    When you reach a decision point on things relating to crossdressing, choose the one that makes you most comfortable. Stay sensitive to things that make you uncomfortable and find ways to reduce or eliminate that discomfort. Be aware of the things that give you comfort, and attempt to incorporate as many of those that you can into your daily life.

    As you go along you may find that your 'balance' may be a combination of some amount of 'me being feminine', some amount of 'me being masculine', AND some amount of 'me just me being me'.

    Best wishes
    MsVal

  8. #8
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    I'm part time, my SO has my dressing time from Thursday to Sunday. I find that on Thursday it may take me half a day to get in the mood.
    Last night Saturday night. I carefully put my skirt and blouse away as I switched back to male mode. I felt like it. Dana is part of me. She does not take over my male domain. Sometimes I can't get enough, yet other times I put her away. I thought about that. Being a half and a half male/female. I would get up one day and say I'm a girl today even though I went through the day in male clothes. I did this all of my life.
    Threads are wonderful. There are so many women's clothes and you can reflect your stye. Yet you can be a girl in a mans suit at work or in a business meeting. It is a frame of mind. I find it wonderful to dress, yet I may switch back to male mode like I did last night. I think that since I had this all of my life, I find it important to balance it. I have no need to wear panties under my male clothes or any female clothes under them. Male boxers are more comfortable that panties are, I have no struggle with that.
    I even have a male dress code. You will never see me in tennis shoes unless I'm working out or running. I always wear boots. I'm even trying to build a good set of women's boots to have with my heels, lol.
    It is a frame of mind. I'm in a heterosexual relationship. I have no problem being a male to her. With this, I think she is supporting me more and has said this morning that she now knows have far I will go or what to expect. I think we all need to have this level of balance and communication with our SO.
    Part Time Girl

  9. #9
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    I don't know what "balance" really means with any activity. If you're on a teeter-totter you can balance a lightweight against a heavyweight by moving the fulcrum. I can understanding the stress that you may have endured when you were not able to dress at all for ten years. There are a good percentage of cross dressers who find stress relief from wearing women's clothing. Forget trying to figure out why. If you're life is full of enjoyable activities I can readily see there may be no desire or necessity to don women's clothing. I have a lot of time afforded to me to be be en femme. I can be en femme seven hours a day, five days a week, if I so choose. There are many days when I just plain feel comfortable wearing the full deal: dress, slip, bra, panty, hosiery, shoes and wig. Some days I feel comfortable wearing a ratty tee shirt and cut off jeans my wife has forbidden me to wear outside the home and yard (threadbare in the butt!). I dress for stress relief. To go out en femme and interact with J Q Public would destroy that peace and serenity.

    Don't force yourself to dress if you're engaged in fun activities that leave you stress free.

    If you're stressed out, maybe you need to schedule some away time from whatever is stressing you out. That is sound advice whether you are a cross dresser or not. Get pretty and read a book. Get pretty and build a car or military model. Treat yourself to a warm bath and glass of wine. Remember the high school physics lesson about the teeter-tooter and the fulcrum

    Some days you need Victoria and some days you don't. That's life.

  10. #10
    Silver Member CynthiaD's Avatar
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    To me "balance" means making sure my breastforms are the same size and adjusted properly.

    Seriously though, there are times when I've been tired or busy, and I just don't feel like changing into female clothing. A lot of times I will force myself to do so anyway. Every time I've done this, I've been glad I did. Without exception. To me, dressing as often as possible is balance. It's a necessary part of my life, and forcing myself to do it is always worth it in the end.

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member Brandy Mathews's Avatar
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    Who really knows why we do what we do. I have asked myself that question a million times. And alot of things have to do why we purge, or don't dress for a while or whatever. For me it is usually a busy work schedule or just too darn tired. But then, after I haven't dressed for a while, I just have to get dressed up to the maximum, and it does seem that I want to do it for days on end. I have noticed that when I am in a very nice relationship that I tend to stay in the boy mode, except when I had a girlfriend that just loved for me to dress. And I was so happy with her too. Would get up in the morning and do our makeup together, I even loved to do her nails for her and she did mine, was such an amazing time.
    So I go on vacation, think that I can go without panties, bra, makeup.......Wrong!!!! Lol. Stopped today and picked up some things. And I found the most beautiful sun dress, kind of pleated all the way around, kind of a light orange. So comfy too.
    So I totally understand how you feel when you can't dress Victoria. Picked up a beautiful swimsuit too, trying to find a place that is kind of hidden where I can lay out and do some swimming too.
    Hugs,
    Bree
    Brandy Mathews

  12. #12
    Happy in life KlaireLarnia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    Balance doesn't mean 50:50. It's the mix that feels right for you, whether is 24/7, 80/20, or 20/80.
    I think Kim is spot on. Balance finding how to make things level in a way that you are comfortable with. So it could be that you need a couple of days where you dress a lot (weekends for example) but don't the rest of the week, It could be wearing one style of clothing one day and switching to other things later. It could be a practicality and comfort balance you seek.

    I do not see myself as 2 people. "Klaire" does not exist in reality she was born in Second Life as a way to find myself and learn about my female side. I understand I have a male and female side to my personality but they are just that, 2 sides of me but they make me whole (and being Gemini I really see them as the twins of my star sign). My balance came when I understood the female side and was able to bring her in and become part of me, rather than separate from me. Here I can give both sides what they need and they give me balance and the best aspects of both worlds back. My feminine side needs comforting - wear satin at night for her <--> my male side needs to vent the anger in me - foot down on the motorway home then. My female side is smart, logical and calm - my male is stubborn, quick witted and blunt. They create a good mix and pairing.

    Accepting yourself and how you fit together is all you need to find balance.

  13. #13
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    Great feedback girls, I can relate to everyone's thoughts. Very refreshing comments for me as I've struggled for years accepting this is OK. I'm likely over thinking things in many respects and just need to embrace Victoria rather than be at a tug of war with myself.

  14. #14
    Junior Member FrancineS's Avatar
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    Victoria what ever your comfortable with, that's the balance. I also can echo sentiments of the others. To quote a typical dumb American kid"ITS ALL GOOD".
    I did not walk at Harvard, Princeton or Yale.
    But if you examine my record.
    You shall see I've earned a PhD
    In the art of the fail.
    FMS

  15. #15
    Platinum Member Angie G's Avatar
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    I never go a day without wearing something girly. I sleep every night in nightwear. If I dont need to go out on the weekend I almost always in my girl pj's. Thankfully my wife is very supportive to the point that she will buy me things she knows I will like. I don't think I could not dress for a week. I tryed it lest year well on vacation and could not do it but then I didn;t really need to.
    Angie

  16. #16
    Junior Member cassiekat's Avatar
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    I am struggling to find balance also, and I really like what Jennie said about it

  17. #17
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    You seem to be in a position where you dress when the opportunity presents itself.

    It is hard to strike a balance when you are forced to grab opportunities.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  18. #18
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    I am very fortunate I can dress whenever I want. However I have lived a life where I couldn't dress at all or even talk about it. I have a huge amount of compassion for those of us who live with similar restrictions

  19. #19
    Silver Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    All my life, I have found that when life gets busy, my desire to dress just disappears. I don't even really think about it. When our kids were younger and I had a real career, my mind had no time to think about dressing. Another catalyst for me has been stress, not the stress associated with every day life, I mean significant stresses like the failure of a business, etc. Then dressing became a distraction from the source of the stress. Now with life a little more settled and the nest empty, I have tons of free time and crossdressing has become a very big part of my life. I am seeking hobbies to help me strike that balance. I've dropped quite a bit of weight and dedicated myself to competitively running 5Ks and that has helped. Knowing how much work it is to become Kandi, my dressing is more of an event than a lifestyle. I plan roadtrips or attend CD group functions, planning an outfit and looking forward to that event.
    Visit Kandi's Land (http://www.kandis-land.com/) daily! Nothing but positive and uplifting posts!
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  20. #20
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    I myself repressed all my feminine urges for about 27 years of my 34 year marriage for the sake of keeping my marriage from dissolving due to it being totally unacceptable to my wife. The only thing that got me thru all those years, was my career which required me to work a 60 to 75 hour work week. So yes being too busy and raising two children kept it all on the back burner. But the desire to dress always came back during rare times such as vacations, but still had to refrain. Apparently all the repression made me a miserable person. Both of my sisters had told me I was the most angry person they know. My wife even once bought me a t shirt that on the front was a pair of hands together in prayer and the shirt read, Lord's Prayer, lord please give me the strength today to put up with all the people who are going to piss me off.
    After my wife's passing a few years ago, the flood gates opened and I started dressing everyday at home. Then that wasn't even enough, I started having a very strong envy of women and along with the depression and loneliness of losing my wife, started seeing a therapist who was a member of wpath.
    Sorry for rambling on here, but I can understand how when you have time to dress, it can make you want to do it more and then some.
    Tina

  21. #21
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    Doing what makes you happy is most important, I agree will everyone who said, its me, not another person.
    Feminine as can be, but trying not to make those you care for uncomfortable.

  22. #22
    Member XemmaX's Avatar
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    Balance is a really subjective thing, some people are really ok with doing it rarely some need to do it more and it's ok. but alot depends on your commitments outside of crossdressing.

  23. #23
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
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    Sometimes Maria time is far to almost never. A few weeks back I had a big opportunity to dress and I was just a little tired and maybe just not in the mood to take the time to dress and the thought of cleaning up afterwards. I had the feeling that maybe I am losing the spark, but really believe I was just tired. I did dress a few days later, so you mite say I wasn't that lucky, the spark is still there.

  24. #24
    Full Geek Status Adriana Moretti's Avatar
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    Balance is a toughie.......I think it takes some time to wrap your head around it, and get comfortable with both sides....I struggled with it too for a minute....now everything is everything...

  25. #25
    Senior Member MissTee's Avatar
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    I have Misty time at will. I am free to enjoy dressing or not, so I set my own schedule. Mind you , I'm not out, but I don't need that to feel fulfilled. I find that if I dress regularly that I remain in control and I am more rational in my thinking (read: no pink fog crazies.)

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