Do crossdressers feel compelled to have a SO or wife to" prove" they are not gay?

[PaulaQ]

I had relationships with women during my adult life, up until last year, because pre-transition, although I was attracted to men, gay men did NOT attract me, and I couldn't figure out how to be with a straight guy because, well, I looked like a guy. I was intensely lonely - feelings of alienation are part and parcel of being transsexual. And even if I had found a willing guy, this would not have been cool in Texas back in the 70's.

I mistook my desire to live as a woman, and my ability to relate to women, for attraction to women. Much like ReineD mentioned, my sex life was indeed lacking - I got very little out of it and in fact, by the end, I really did not want to have sex with my wife.

It's sort of a wonder I got married at all, much less twice, because a LOT of women read something different about me (some said this about me), and just couldn't be attracted to me. So when I realized at 18 that I wasn't likely to be able to transition, I decided to man the hell up, grow a beard, and get a girlfriend. (I'd managed to go through high school without one.)

So I got involved with my first wife to prove I was a man. I didn't think I was gay - I didn't understand that, either, because I definitely had crushes on guys, but they were all straight. Gay men I knew just did nothing for me - no interest on my part. I wasn't a gay man.

My second wife happened because, again, I was lonely, again I tried to be with a guy, and I just couldn't be attracted to any of the gay men I knew, and I really needed someone to help me with my young son from my first marriage.

After starting transition, I tried two more lesbian relationships, this time with trans women. Again, I was lonely, I'd always been with women, I still couldn't figure out how to get a guy, and most of us end up as lesbians anyway, so that's what I must be, right?

These relationships reinforced some things for me:
1. I hated sex with women. I got NOTHING out of it. I could mechanically do it, but it literally did nothing for me physically or emotionally. Nothing.
2. I hated being a lesbian! I hated lesbian bars. I did not identify with all the queer girls I knew. I didn't fit into that culture at all. I tried, but I hated it. Nothing wrong with it- but it just wasn't me.
3. For all the friends I made in the gay community where I live now, I really don't fit in here. I'm a straight woman.

So I started dating a guy, and I'll never look back.

BTW, I wish I had been a gay cisgender male rather than a straight trans woman. It would be many rungs higher on the social ladder, I wouldn't be spending thousands on transition related health care, and most people would understand what I was.

To recap: I married women to prove to myself and the world that I was a man. Proving I wasn't gay had nothing to do with it.

[cassiekat]

Paula thanks and thanks nikki for the support and info. Sexual I dig women, I was with guys because my mother told me gay men dress as women therefore I must be gay. Paula you hit a better way of putting it that I got married to prove I was a man. But my first wife was total love. My second wife was more of not being lonely and fitting into society, when I started dating her after our divorce I fell into love with her and she was bent on revenge or just hated my female side coming out to her. And my female side had little to do with how I was dressed. I was dressed as a man and I guess I stepped off the curb" girly" and she yelled at me.

[Kate Simmons]

I guess that would depend on whether we feel we have to "prove" anything to anyone. I don't.

[Jaylyn]

I don't consider myself gay in any form and I have a wife that love very much. I must admit though there are some very cute / beautiful CDs that really look like the GGs I have always chased until I found the love of my life. She accepts me and has made love to me dressed and undressed. We are happily married. I don't feel a desire to be with a man. I do find myself though wishing one day that I could find another CDer that is not gay and visit or at least have something in common with. I have hunting and fishing buddies why not have a CDing buddy. Someone close enough to dress and hang with. My wife has girl friends as friends only and not sexually attracted to so why can't CDers?
I am sorry you have not found friends either male or female to hang with. I hate the stigma that all CD'ers are gay.

[sometimes_miss]

Do crossdressers feel compelled to have a SO or wife

While I'm sure there are some that do that, I'd bet that most of us just 'feel compelled' because we like, and are sexually attracted to, women.

[reb.femme]

For my part, absolutely not. Why would I? I know there are many alleged straight guys that go with gay guys and they are not crossdressers. So, definitely not for me, but it takes all sorts to make the world turn.

Rebecca

[Tina_gm]

I suppose some CDers will be with women or marry because they feel a need to prove something. I think early on a lot of gay men do the same thing, either so people will not think they are gay or they just don't really know or understand, perhaps try to make themselves straight??

I am and have always been attracted to women, but I never have used that in all my time I tried to make myself not want to CD. A big part of me though tried to make myself not want to CD because of women, if that makes any sense.

[Shelly Preston]

I would say this was a question that is more historical.

It was the case in the past when members of the Gay community with a higher public profile chose to get married, to give the general public the impression of respectability.

These days I think there is far less chance of this happening.

I dont think people chose to get married anymore just to hide.

[CynthiaD]

I have long passed the age where I needed to prove anything to anyone, so my answer would be, no.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I don't have a GF in order to prove I'm not gay, but now I am in a relationship, I feel more able to be honest about my clothing choices and what it means to me. Sort of the same idea, but looked at from a different perspective, and with a different result, I think.

Cassie, I don't care if someone is "cool" or not, or whether they have the same attitudes as me, but I have to tell you I find it intensely frustrating trying to read posts that veer wildly from one topic to another, especially if they are not proofread before publishing. Wrong words, wrong spelling, and disjointed sentence structure are difficult at the best of times, when they end up causing confusion in important subjects, it tends to make me walk off in disgust. This post took about a half dozen corrections and rebuilds before posting, I wish more people would actually review their posts at least once before hitting submit. I've made some classic blunders myself, I don't require perfection, but when I can't actually understand clearly the point being made after 2 reads through.... life is too short.

[Tina_gm]

Here is an interesting thought that just popped into my head. I wonder if some of us have married or had relationships with women whom we highly suspect were not ok with CDing so it was a way in which it became a barrier for us not to CD. Since we alone could not control it, or stop it, we created something that would help us stop it?????? I am not saying marrying or being with women itself, just who we chose. Or that when we did marry, and a lot of said they thought now that they are married there wouldn't be CDing, but that when we did find our soul mate, we often would say or do things that would make it impossible for us to then be CDers? which of course later on proved to be disasterous in many cases.

[pamela7]

i suggest you begin a whole new thread with this one, Gendermutt, you're onto something I am sure.

xxx Pamela

[Kirsty Louise]

I choose to CD because it brings out my feminine side something I need to do to make me feel right, it has nothing to do with my sexual preference whether straight, bisexual or gay. I’m straight by the way happily married.

[Rhian]

I'm not out at the minute because I still live at home but I will be out eventually. When I am I wont try and validate it by marrying someone, I'm not interested in a relationship so wont be getting into one simply to prove a point.

[Lorileah]

what the gay community USED to do (and still does in some cases

BEARD-The boyfriend or girlfriend of a closeted homosexual, used to conceal their sexuality.

They outgrew that stigma for the most part. Why do we perpetuate it? Again I stress, who you love and who you sleep with and in this case, who you marry...has NOTHING to do with what you wear

[Jeninus]

As in the case of what appears to be a majority here, I married because I loved, and still love, my wife. For me, personally, climbing into bed with a man would be a very repulsive act.

I suppose the reason the "Are you gay because you wear women's clothes?" keeps being asked is because it would appear to the uninitiated that we are trying to make ourselves attractive to men. And why would you want to appear attractive to men unless you are gay?

The other thing the muggles don't consider is that since gay men normally don't find women sexually attractive, what would be the purpose of making oneself as feminine as possible if the object were to attract the favours of a gay man? The penultimate possibility is that we are trying to make ourselves attractive to straight men - but then would come that moment when all would be revealed - and most straight men aren't into sex with other men, dressed as girls or not. The final possibility is that we are looking for that small group of men who are sexually attracted to gay transvestites. It's all very confusing, especially at first to our wives or SOs on first learning of our little secret.

One last thought: some of our transsexual friends check in from time to time and from them we learn a couple of things: a) many or most of them aren't interested in dressing up, simply getting on with their lives; b) many or most of them find that before or after transition they were and/or are attracted to straight men, as they are straight women.

[Tina_gm]

jenisus... Why so many assume we are gay is largely do to society and to the media. in the media, movies and such anyone who is TG is more or less automatically portrayed as over-sexualized and always looking for a man. how many straight guys are on ru pauls show??

Then take other shows like queer eye for the straight guy... gay men, very effeminate. And lets just face basic facts here. Gay men are GENERALLY more effeminate than straight men. Are there exceptions? absolutely and I know of a couple personally. But I know of gay men who fit the effeminate tag so well too, moreso than the exception. Yes, people need education that not every man who is a CDer is into other men, but to wonder why it seems so likely we who are attracted to women are stigmatized, the answers are quite obvious.

[Ceera]

I feel no such need, no. I was married to a woman that I loved for 30 years, while almost entirely ignoring any 'non-standard' inclinations and trying hard to live a straight and monogamous life. In the last few years of our marriage, I started underdressing - after both of my parents had died, and the two people I most feared finding out I was bi were beyond caring. But I didn't indulge in any greater amount of crossdressing out of respect for my wife's feelings and insecurities. She knew I was actually bi, but faithful to her 100%. She knew I had started wearing panties, but not that I wanted to take it further. I didn't indulge further until after she unexpectedly died of heart failure.

Now that I am widowed, single, and exploring all aspects of my life, my next relationship will, I hope, be someone who loves me and accepts me for who and what I am, including my crossdressing. Preferably even someone who likes the idea and will encourage me to do it as much as I want to. I don't know yet what the gender of that person may be, though a female is probably more likely - solely because I have more experience with female partners. Yet if I do meet a lady who really wants to be with me, but who can't accept me being 'Ceera' part time, I suppose Ceera can go back into the closet and my fantasies, and I'll stop cross dressing. Having a partner who cares for me and will share my life is more important to me than the crossdressing. But at no point would it be about denying my bisexuality. I can go either way, and I'm willing to be honest about that now, with anyone who has any reason to know my orientation.

[Denise Mary]

Dressing up makes me feel sexier. I like women and it is cool with me if they get turned on by my dressing for them and being their "little girl."

[Tracii G]

I have been married twice and now I don't even want to entertain the thought.
Of course there were times I did things to prove I wasn't gay but deep down inside I always knew I was.
The thing is just be yourself and do what makes you feel good. That way you can figure out just who you are on your own terms.

[Lee Andrews]

I'm not gay so I'm not compelled to marry a woman. Found one that loves me for me, that's why I married her.

[Tracii G]

Lee people like you have the best of both worlds and that is very special.

[Leah Lynn]

I think I married while in the Man Up stage, to prove I was all male, nothing to do with sexual preference. I was in the navy then, had a beard, and volunteered for combat duty (didn't go with a unit or ship, but went on "assignments"). I helped form a bike club (gang), and worked at manly occupations. All in denial of being trans.

That was then, but Baby, look at me now!

Leah

[Confucius]

I did not have a SO or even a girlfriend until I was in my mid-30's. This is only because of low self-esteem and poor social skills. However, I never once even entertained the thought that I may be gay. I was always attracted to females, and loved everything feminine. In my mind females where the privileged gendered, and I admired them without limits. When I crossdressed, my mind would imagine I was in contact with a female.

So I would have to say that I never needed to prove anything about my orientation.

[Lollipop]

Cassie - you have been through the wringer. I haven't had half as much a story as you but still - I think you have found a lot of support here - just like me - and it makes you strong.
People fall in and out of love - no magic formula - no set persuasion - we come in all shapes and sizes - you will like what YOU like and be damned with everyone else. But the main thing is to let love take you - if it be a woman, man or pint of Guinness it's your choice :-)
Jessie