Am I a bad person?

[Cheyenne Skye]

So I've had a couple instances lately where the topic of conversation turns to spouses. I try to only refer to my ex-wife as my "EX". I even avoid the use of gendered pronouns. And the people I'm talking to have then made a reference to my "ex-husband". I intentionally neglect to correct them. Does that make me a bad person? I know it's a lie of omission but I still feel a little guilty about doing it. On the other hand, I'm overjoyed that they don't have a clue about my past. How do I get over this feeling that I'm doing something wrong?

[Leah Lynn]

Cheyenne, I've never really bought into the concept of an omission being a lie. A lie is telling a falsehood. Omission doesn't fall into that equation as far as I can tell. If someone makes an assumption, and it isn't factual, well, it's THEIR assumption. They didn't ask for a clarification.

Just my $0.02!

Leah

[kimdl93]

From my perspective you have nothing to feel bad about. It's your Ex...nothing more need be said.

[Sammy777]

Kirk: Spock did you just lie?
Spock: Vulcans do not lie Capt., it was an omission.

[Paraphrased, now put your pitchforks and torches away you diehard Trekkies]

[Persephone]

"Am I a bad person?" NO!

You are under no obligation to open a can of worms just because someone asks you a question.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Ann Louise]

And the people I'm talking to have then made a reference to my "ex-husband"

I think it's spectacular that not only do you get to put your ex-spouse where she belongs, i.e., behind you, you gain that solid feeling that you're finally being perceived as your genuine self. That's on the order of the young girl giving me a manicure, in a conversation about her two kids and mine, asking me "How old were you when you had them?" Love that feeling! Congratulations Cheyenne ^_^

[cassiekat]

My second ex wife had two children from previous relationships and they both had different last names which were different from mine. When the school called and called me Mr whoever I just said yes and got to the point. If it is people who you're going to have some long term friendship or whatever, by all means give the story. But if it's just Joe blow from the paint store it's not worth the time and effort explaining. Just my take

[Eringirl]

Hi Cheyenne (Dana). No you are not a bad person. They are making an inference. If correcting that opens up a can of worms that is something very personal that you have managed to put to rest, then let it lie. Sounds like you are finally in a good place. Stay there.

My Canadian - so about 1.4c US...

[Rebecca Watson]

So I've had a couple instances lately where the topic of conversation turns to spouses. I try to only refer to my ex-wife as my "EX". I even avoid the use of gendered pronouns. And the people I'm talking to have then made a reference to my "ex-husband". I intentionally neglect to correct them. Does that make me a bad person? I know it's a lie of omission but I still feel a little guilty about doing it. On the other hand, I'm overjoyed that they don't have a clue about my past. How do I get over this feeling that I'm doing something wrong?

If you are, then I am too! And I don't think I am a bad person.

And I also don't correct people when they think I'm talking about my ex-husband (although boo to heteronormativity!). I'll correct them if it's really needed.

- Becky

[PretzelGirl]

I think we are dealing with enough already that sometimes that extra something is a little difficult to take on, even if we want it. When I first transitioned, the first two times someone asked me about being married, my answer in that moment of time where you couldn't think things through was to refer to my spouse. Without really walking it through, my mind stripped gears thinking I was about to get attention for having a wife. I was a little unhappy with myself as my wife is worth everything, so I sat down and worked it out in my mind that I would be viewed as having a wife and that was enough to clear the thoughts so I could say wife in the moment of responses.

Now that is my experience and I know I didn't lie those first two times and neither did you. I just wanted to tell a different *evident* truth. That is something each of us own and it is nobody else's business. If you don't want to tell them, that is your story to own.

[MsVal]

Do they have a need to know?

It's okay to withhold information about your personal life. Lots of people do that.

For example: I worked with a guy for many years. We talked about lots of things, even personal things that had nothing to do with business. I never knew that his mother was alive until I heard from his boss that she had died two days before. The same thing happened a couple years later with his brother.

I guess I didn't have a need to know.

Best wishes
MsVal

[CONSUELO]

If I were you I would not agonize over this. If there is someone important who you think needs to know about your past, then you will know what to do, but it sounds like these conversations are quite casual.