Looking outside my marriage.

[Gia Villafana]

I know I am going to get totally lambasted for this. I looked around the internet for a CD forums that would be more understanding, or maybe give me the answers and support that I want, but this is by far the best community and I want to share this, even if it means opening myself up to harsh criticism.

Here is strike one: I'm closeted and my wife doesn't know about Gia. She would NOT be understanding of my need to dress, this is supported by discussions around the subject. So there's strike two: I'm not going to tell her. I've been dressing since the 5th grade, and, before I met my wife, I had purged and quit dressing altogether, hoping it was behind me. But shortly into the marriage, I began collecting clothes again, then finally, forms, and before long I had my stash. I only get to dress when my wife goes out of town, which is rare.

When I am in guy-mode, I am attracted to women only. Call it self-delusion or a coping mechanism, but when I am Gia, I am attracted to guys and TS/CDs. When I'm logged into the Gia-side of my computer, even though I'll be in drab, my brain will switch over, and I'm Gia and I'm fantasizing about being with CDs or men. Before I got married, I had only one encounter with a guy that I never saw again. I haven't told anyone about that.

I've been looking for someone to experiment with as Gia. On the bright side, I've been ultra careful to find someone in a similar situation, that understands the need (and has the same need) to be safe and to keep our partners safe by not sleeping around Craigslist. So to that point, I've still not found that person, and that's ok. I just desperately need to share this side of me with another person...not just the intimacy, but having a friend that I can be myself around.

So let me have it; tell me how wrong it is and how I'm an awful person. I've been around here long enough to know how you all will react, but I'm hoping someone can speak some wisdom into this duality that I'm trying to find here. Thanks.

[Marcelle]

Hi Gia,

I am not going to tell you that you are a horrible person or cast stones in your direction because to be honest, I am not a beacon for moral properness. You are an adult and you need to make your own decisions in life.

What I can say is that if you are having these feelings "guy or girl" then perhaps it is time to discuss this with your wife (not the CDing albeit it is integral to the issue) but your thoughts of being with someone else. I would hazard a guess that there are other issues going on in your relationship with your wife that could probably be addressed through some counseling or discussion. In this case it is the fair thing to do.

Hugs

Isha

[charlenesomeone]

Gia, no judgement at all, just wondering, if you find someone, and develop an emotional
attachment, where do you see it going?
Mistakes, I have made a few, but I try to think longer term now. Do what your heart leads you to
do, just know the possible outcomes.
Hugs

[char GG]

Why don't you fess up to your wife and give her a choice in whether she wants to stay or leave? Do you think that you are the only one who gets to choose what you want to do????? She is going to be hurt in way or another eventually because of all of the reasons that you outlined below:

"So let me have it; tell me how wrong it is and how I'm an awful person"

[pamela7]

Without writing an essay: there is nothing inherently wrong with a person having many partners of whichever gender. Society has imposed a monogamous moral code that only works for a minority of people, though most rub along with it. Nonetheless, you married, you made promises of fidelity. If you plan to break those promises the courageous thing to do is to come out with it, to express your true nature. It might also be stupid and careless because of the social and economic situation in which you live. Only you can make the decision, but really: tell her or stay faithful, anything else will cause wounds.

[Teresa]

Gia,
There's a big gap between fantasy and reality ! Before going down that road maybe try and be out more with your CDing ! I know that's easier said than done because of your situation with your wife !
It gets harder living with two sides of you when one has to be hidden all the time, and not knowing exactly where you want your CDing to go !
Maybe finding a group would help to decide what your inclinations are, it's possibly your safest option !

[kimdl93]

I'm also not going to tell you what you already know. What I'm going to say is more along the lines of be prepared for the inevitable.

[Katey888]

Gia - you've anticipated the criticism and you know it will probably arrive - laden with the usual hypocrisy and moralising we've all come to recognise as folk miss your closing sentence, so let me address your brave post with some support and an attempt at some common sense...

Firstly, I can match your two strikes: my wife (nor any of my family) knows nothing about this side of me and I have no intention to reveal. So I'm already cast adrift in that purgatory boat with you and a few others here. Try to remember once the moralising begins in earnest, MOST of the members here are out to their SOs/ wives so that tends to weight the intensity and direction of response... a bit like having tee-totallers counsel alcoholics some of the time, but it's an opinion-based forum so you have to take that as read.

What you describe (the 'brain switch' when dressed) I don't experience myself but there are many here who talk of this in the same way you do here: as a fantasy. Seems like you probably would take that into reality if you had a chance, but you also combine that with saying that you desperately need to share this part of you with someone and I can totally empathise with that but I'd suggest that those two aspects might be completely separate things, so let's treat them as such and address the latter first.

I have found a much better balance with dressing since experiencing a couple of outings and presumably developing a better understanding of why and how I need to do this thing - some of that, I believe is related to having the femme side of me validated by people that I have interacted with while dressed, some CDers, some just ordinary folk. While it is unlikely that I would share much of this side of me with anyone, I know that there are groups out there where I could do this and I'm sure there would be for you too. You might find that something like that would give you the sharing you need, or you may find it leads to the friendship you obviously seek - I'd strongly suggest giving that a try first.

As to the acting on fantasy part - well, maybe that would be tempered by having other friendships en femme, maybe not. You have to set your own values for that. There'll be those who hurl fire and brimstone at you here - that's just their personal, one-off opinion. Look around at the world today and the statistics are pretty compelling to suggest that one or more of most married couples is unfaithful - I have been in the past (to a previous SO) and more than once... You have to live with any consequences of that so I'd suggest you think very carefully about what may be the outcome before making any rash decisions, and maybe try the safe(r) option before that? You obviously have to consider the impact this may have on your wife (as all we closeted folk do) and that is your assessment and your decision alone. I do get the impression that many folks fantasies don't live up to expectations, but sometimes you never know unless you try, right..? Your choice on that one - I wish you luck...

And hopefully the really sanctimonious stuff will just remain unposted...

Katey x

[chelyann]

Gia
It's time for you to slow down and figure out who , what , where you want to be .
Then talk to your wife and see what she wants to do.
Good luck

[mykell]

ITS WRONG......sounded like you wanted to hear that, oh yea your an "awful person"....and that too....

so it sounds like your pretty normal, you have fantasies, not a bad thing....you do however have some responsibility to the mrs. as their are some assumed rights with your intimacies with each other, if they are defined and your within your boundaries than have at it with the fantasy world.....if not some discussion should be had.

do remember "curiosity killed the cat"

[DonnaT]

You are not the first, and won't be the last, to prefer guys (or other CDs) only when cross dressed.

You, of course, readily admit to knowing that adultery is wrong. Note that in your situation, it can be dangerous as well.

Some couples, however, can enjoy other partners by having a girls night out and/or double dating, which is relatively safer. Maybe you could get your wife on board for something like that.

[JeanetteX]

Gia, you're not wrong and you're not an awful person. We're all different people with our own feelings and emotions and we just have to deal with it no matter how hard this can be at times. And believe me....I recognise your feelings towards men when dressed. I used to have the same 'problem' but it all faded over time. I'm not married but I did tell a very close female friend about my dressing a few years ago. This was the big turn around in my life, I felt relieved and realised I was 100% straight. What I'm trying to say is it would be best to somehow find a way to talk to your wife about it. I understand it must be a big step for you but the end result could be amazingly refreshing.

Good luck with it and all the best

Jeanette

[Melissa Rose]

Gia, beyond what appears to be partially a somewhat common fantasy, it seems like you are looking for someone to share this part of yourself that is out of bounds with your wife. Instead of jumping into a sexual relationship, have you considered finding a suitable TG group in your area? Just finding others like yourself and with whom you can be open with is often a big relief and a release to the tension and pressure built up by having to maintain a deep secret. This may be enough to satisfy your desire to share with someone else and help keep what is perhaps a fantasy as a fantasy in your mind and not something real that could have serious consequences. If after finding a few friends you still have a need for a more intimate relationship then you can examine your motives and reasons, and, perhaps with the aid of a counselor or therapist, dig deeper into what is going on and decide upon your next steps. Good luck in finding your path.

[Krisi]

First of all, cheating is cheating. It doesn't matter if you dress up as a female and have sex with a guy, it's still cheating.

Second, strapping on a pair of boobs and a wig doesn't change who you are. From your stated desires, you are bisexual or at least really want to experiment and feel what it's like to have sex as a woman. Of course, you can't actually do that, you don't have the equipment.

I suspect most of us have wondered at some time what it feels like to be "on the bottom" but most of us just leave it at that, wondering or fantasizing.

For you, my advice is to take some time to think seriously about your marriage, whether you love your wife enough to be faithful, and whether you are satisfied with heterosexual life. It's your choice but it deserves a lot of thought. Is one night of strange sex worth a lifetime of regret?

[tracigirl_tv]

Gia, I read SO MUCH of my own story when I read your post. A great deal of doubt, guilt and excitement taking turns doing their thing on me. I won't even begin to advise, much less criticize. There are already plenty here for that.

Just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you sharing with this group. I wish you the best as you struggle along, as so many of us have (and do).

Sending you hugs (unless, of course, you are a Cowboys fan) *giggle*

Traci

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Dallas/Fort Worth? Let's meet at the United check-in at midnight?? I'll bring the champagne, you bring the French poodle!

xxNikki

[Alice Torn]

Have you ever watched the CW network show, called, "Cheaters?" Watch it, and you may have a new outlook. A support group, or therapist may help, , slowly getting into a civil discussion with your wife. I am single, but also have fantasies of being with a non married gentleman, just to model, sometimes, but only when dressed up. I get rejected as too picky, not willing to do some things! Very cautious.

[Rachael Leigh]

Gia you have a very tough issue here and most here are going to be a great support however I think it may be time to find a counselor who can help. Hiding this part of you from your wife is very difficult and I agree with Melissa that you may be just looking for someone who supports you in being Gia. Either way the hiding part can be hard on you and eventually it may come out and not in the way you want it to.
Leigh

[Stephanie47]

I will concur with others that sometimes fantasies will far exceed the actual event. You made a commitment to your wife. I'd suggest you resolve that issue before you start bed hopping with men, whether they are en femme or en homme. Your wife deserves at least that much. Sure, if you come clean with her, she may kick you out. But, at least she'll have the opportunity to "get out early." I see no reason for a woman to be strung along in your fantasy world, if in fact you are going to act upon those fantasies.

If you're looking for some outlet for cross dressing, why not join a support group? And, seek counseling with a person qualified to assess you.

[Isabella Ross]

Gia...thanks for a refreshing and honest post. All I would add is that I think Stephanie has a good idea...you might want to spend some non-sexual time with some other TGs and see how you feel about taking it further after that.

[rachael.davis]

Hi Gia
No judgement, I went back to your picture posts, it looks like you have very little body hair or wax, and I love your brows
Are you sure your wife hasn't figured a few things out all by herself?

[Helen_Highwater]

Katie post #8 stole my thunder.

On reading your post my thoughts immediately were before heading down the one on one personal interaction you need to find a group scenario within which you'll have the opportunity to talk through just where you are, and how you got there, on your CD'ing journey.

Having attended my first group meeting less than a week ago I can attest that it is hugely therapeutic. Hearing the stories of others and how they resemble your own, their trials and tribulations, their coping strategies, all these things help to give a perspective to your own situation and feelings.

You may find that just having someone to talk to who is understanding of your plight will forefill your needs and not take you down a path that could prove massively destructive in your current relationship.

[Lorileah]

to the responses so far. No one really attacking the OP. Glad to see how adults can share.

Morals...set by society mostly to control something that can be bad for society. Now, in modern times some of those rules may not really be pertinent in many situations.

So here's where the personal thoughts come in. Monogamy was made to keep heirs "pure". It isn't a normal human attribute (otherwise there would be no affairs). So your feelings are not abnormal. There are other unintended at the time side effects of monogamy. Less disease, better family life. So you have to choose if the side effects of an affair will be advantageous. They have been mentioned...your wife could leave, you could find someone new and leave your wife, you could catch something that will effect your wife. Remember, people lie when they are wanting a sexual relationship.

I am no angel. I have done a LOT of things that I am not proud of all in the name of pleasure. I have learned a lot from those same encounters. I know I am "poly" so jealousy as far as partners goes is small. Thus the argument of finding someone else, well in my world that may not be a negative, it may actually expand my family. Most others aren't that way.

But the major concern, for me, about your looking outside the marriage is disease. You can try and be 100% safe, but trust me, it doesn't work. Nothing is 100% except monogamy. And places like Craigslist or other "hookup" sites scare me. Your health is at risk. Then your wife's health is at risk if you keep it a secret.

I think you are following a fantasy here. Most fantasies are no where close to what real life is like. It sounds like fun in your mind because you control everything there. Take it from a "player" in fantasy it isn't as good and often is worse than you can even imagine.

Be as safe as possible

[Alice_2014_B]

I highly recommend disclosing all of this to your wife, though it is quite a bit going on. Really hope for the best. Communication is key.

[Amy Fakley]

Yeah that's the thing ain't it? Whether or not you attach the label of "wrong" or "ok" to it, the end result is going to be heartbreak. For both you and your wife.

is that an outcome you're willing to deal with? If so, great! You've made an informed decision at least. Your wife, of course would not have that luxury in this scenario, and that does strike me as intentionally hurtful.

Going through with what you are talking about, is a lot different than just having a little crossdressing secret in the closet.

Is it fairly common for folk like us to have fantasies of this nature? Absoloutely! I would say that's almost normal. Following through on them to the extent of sleeping with other people, without your wife's knowledge? If you're looking for "permission" from an Internet forum, you already know the answer.