What am I to do?

[SandraB]

Betty:

This is a tough situation. I definitely wouldn't burden my daughter with this unless I felt I had to especially considering she is already dealing with a difficult situation. The question for me is 'need' versus 'want' ... I would choose 'need'.

The 2nd of my two daughters moved out of the house in January before I came out to my wife. At that time the most I wore was some lingerie and felt there was a very low probability I would be discovered by my daughters (wife a different story). Now I dress fully en femme and if my daughters lived with us, I think there is a high probability of discovery. Even if I want to, I find it impossible to constantly suppress this urge to dress. I think it's worse to be discovered than to come clean. The 'coming clean' situation can be planned, managed and controlled whereas the chance discovery is much more volatile.

I may face the dilemma soon as there's a possibility the daughter that moved out in January will be back in May. They occassionally visit and my wife has already stated she does not want them to know - her feeling is that it would traumatise them. This too is an important consideration. For the record my daughters are 18 and 22 so I'm of the view they could handle it / my wife thinks otherwise.

In my situation, if I can avoid discovery by either suppression, very careful planning or whatever then I see no reason to tell them. However, if I feel I can't handle this, take risks when I can't resist the urge then I'd be leaning toward disclosure. I'd have to convince my wife to the same conclusion before doing so.

I agree with the point that as a parent, the children are the number 1 priority. However, in the case of coming out to my wife, our relationship was the number 1 priority. I eventually came to the conclusion that discovery (because I simply could not resist the urge) by my wife was a higher risk to the relationship than disclosing.

It's a difficult dilemma and I wish you and your daughter the best regardless of which option you choose.

[ReineD]

Are you transsexual? If so, and if you live pretty much all the time as Betty then of course you should tell her.

If you are a CDer and you need to let her know so you can dress at home on occasion without for example sneaking around in the middle of the night, or because you go out dressed and you are tired of climbing out the back window, then you should tell her as well. It is best to do this rather than have her stumble upon you unprepared.

But, if you are not TS I would take your cues from your daughter as to how much you should hang out with her while dressed. She might be fine with it, but there is a chance she might feel uncomfortable. I mean she might be OK with bumping into you here and there while you both go about your business in the house, but she may not wish to hang out with you as Betty. She also may not understand why you want to wear women's clothes to hold your grandchild. The baby is only a few months old now, but in a short time it will be talking and walking. Your daughter might have some opinions about her child's exposure to the CDing, or she may need time like many other GGs before fully feeling comfortable with it.

So discuss it with her if you do need to tell about the CDing. If you care about making her time with you comfortable, you can both decide on how much interaction there should be with Betty and your daughter and grandchild.

What is your wife's opinion?

[katie elouise]

Hi Betty .I am inclined to agree with Jenny and Isabella ,its your home and she is a grown woman .
personally I feel help and compromise is required all round, together with openness and honesty good luck Katie x .

[Angie G]

ayour daughter and granddaughters wellbeing are more then Betty wanting the hold the baby. get them taking care of fefor you think of you hun.I don't think she needs more on her plate right now.
Angie

[CarlaWestin]

1) Don't come out to Daughter. (that's just a selfish yearning on your part)
2) Let the sperm donor know that any further contact will involve the loss of vital body parts that he is rather fond of.

The only thing we have to get right in life is the raising of children. Not having, raising.
Your mission should be quite clear. Protect your grandchild from your daughter's immaturity and the unfortunate byproduct acquaintance she's brought into the picture.

[Alaina R]

In a situation like this, do what is best for your daughter - end of story. Hard for me to see how bringing the CDing up during an already very stressful time for her would be appropriate.

[avant1465]

You have a daughter and her small baby... in DISTRESS.... I can't imagine you NOT suborning anything/everything about yourself in order to help HER bring some order and calm to her life......

[CynthiaD]

I'm living in a similar situation, and I'm out to everyone, children and grandchild. They all recognize that I'm the same person, regardless of how I'm dressed. It's no big deal. But that's partly because I've never made a big deal about it. I've never formally "come out." To anyone (except my wife). I've "just happened" to be wearing a dress today. I'm sure there have been behind the scenes discussions, but perhaps not.

But I can't tell you what to do, because every situation is different.

[Emogene]

The following is an opinion based on a life time of observation. Didn't read the entire string but the guy in the scenario has to go; abusers do not change unless much time and effort is expended. A person who abuses others will continue to do so and in most cases will escalate the abuse over time. Your daughter and grandchild's personal safety, physically and mentally, are the big issue.

[Kate Simmons]

My one and only mission would be to protect my daughter and grand child regardless of my appearance

[betty1253]

Thank you all very much for your thoughts. Our daughter and grand daughter definitely have first priority.
We are trying to sort this all out.
And, yes, your right. Betty is holding her grand daughter no matter what she is wearing.

Betty

[Lorileah]

Daughter is still in love with her "man?"

And you worry about coming out to her when the real issue is her safety?

So, the question becomes, do I add to her worries and come out to her? I don't see the point of doing this because what would be the point of showing her Betty?

Adding to her worries...you mean beyond keeping an abusive person out of her life. Raising a child. How would her knowing about YOU add to her worries. If anything it should help her see that things could be a lot better. But I am a person who thinks you can't live to make others happy unless you are happy. You do realize that you have alleviated many of her worries right? Yo are doing what a parent (Please note I didn't say father...or mother...I said parent because this is what parents do) should do. Do you think she will leave believing that you are a bigger danger than Mr Macho? That would be on messed up thought. So I don't see the issue other than what hundreds here have on a daily basis...fear of what may happen, not to your child, heck she made the decision a long time ago to be an adult when she got pregnant (somehow assuming it wasn't in wedlock but hopefully it as a mutual decision...if not that says a lot already on why he seems to be taking things out on her). What do you fear she will do? Go back to him over what you are? Doesn't seem logical but she already has one foot out the door to go back. Would she use this as a reason? I can tell you if you keep in in, she is going to go back no matter what...and if she wants to blame you she will, maybe you sleep too late or maybe she can't watch her TV shows or maybe she just feels stifled. Going to be your fault. So that isn't, in my opinion, a good excuse to stay in the closet. You think she will lose respect for you? You evidently see it as a positive in your life

My ability to express myself has been a gift

Let's somehow stay with stereotypical ideals, your femme side would be more nurturing to the child...(sidebar...you are nurturing no matter what clothes).

Over all I see the question as has been asked many times over here. Should you tell your adult daughter. I don't know. I would if I had a daughter but that is my perspective. Putting all the caveats in place about the man and the baby and the living with you now when she didn't, is fluff. Would you tell her in a "normal" situation?

(also as personal note I would do everything in my power to prevent anyone from returning to a potentially or real abusive relationship. The child's welfare is paramount. Realize that the child will be imprinted with the actions of the parents and growing up in an abusive home can lead to living an abusive or abused life later)

[Beverley Sims]

Keep betty on the shelf, no arguments there.

maybe sometime later, but I doubt it.

[Krisi]

This is too important of a question to be asking strangers on the Internet. The answers are about 50-50 anyway so you didn't really get an answer.

Coming out to your daughter and granddaughter is adding to their troubles so you have to balance that with your desire to dress. It's your decision (and your wife's), not mine or anyone else's.

As for your daughter and her abusive husband, most abused partners keep going back to the abuser because "I love him/her." That is something you should concern yourself with, getting her to see the light and move on with her life without him.

[Pat]

I don't think Betty is asking us to solve the problem for her. And I'm thinking it's a pretty rare parent/grandparent who needs to be told caring for their children should be a priority. But they're moving into a long term situation and it's reasonable to consider bringing the daughter up-to-date on where Dad is. And for all we know, the distraction of that issue could reduce the daughter's problem rather than make it worse -- that kind of decision has to be made by the people involved. This seems like one of those situations where guys are often told, "You don't need to fix this, you just need to listen."

[julie marie1]

Your daughter is at a traumatic moment. Since you have no idea how she would respond, it is best to keep quiet. Once you let the cat out of the bag, it is difficult to put back in.

[DonnaT]

You can enjoy your granddaughter by getting her girly dresses and such, at least, and live vicariously through her.

[cheryl reeves]

im surprised betty hasnt talked to his daughters so about the abuse. my wifes sisters husband tried it once with her,picked him up slammed him against the wall and told him i do not tolerate that,he never has tried it again. i may look feminate but im also a stand your ground person.
ps our son knows aboout cheryl and loves her

[betty1253]

I don't think Betty is asking us to solve the problem for her. And I'm thinking it's a pretty rare parent/grandparent who needs to be told caring for their children should be a priority. But they're moving into a long term situation and it's reasonable to consider bringing the daughter up-to-date on where Dad is.

Jennie, Why did I not think of stating it this way? You hit the nail on the head.

[Sarasometimes]

First off unless you have multiple personalities Betty is just you when you dress so she has met her GD. No question you wait to add this revelation to your daughters woes unless you really want her running back to her abuser!!!!
It is situations like this where her needs come first and foremost to you, her parent!! If you need to dress be creative and have your wife go out with the 2 and give you some Betty time but this is no time for more revelations.
Clearly Rhanda and I disagree, profoundly! I hope your daughter gets help to get away from her abuser. Very rarely are these situations/abusers curable!

Best wishes,Sara

[MsVal]

Three weeks isn't a very long time. It's easy to understand why your daughter is still a wreck. She's very fortunate to have a loving mother and father who have the resources and inclination to make a place for her and her baby. You two are wonderful. ((hug))

Right now she's struggling with her immediate needs.

- She just came from a domestic shelter, she's currently (and somewhat shamefully) temporarily living with mom and dad, and she doesn't know where she will be living next ... or when.

- She is the mother of an infant child. She likely feels like she failed to provide a good home for her daughter, and is now dependent on someone else to provide that save loving environment that she could not.

- She may be struggling with deciding whether it is better to abandon her dignity and accept the risk of moving back with the jerk, starting over on her own, or staying long-term with mom and dad.

On the other hand Betty, you have your legitimate needs. They may not be as great or as urgent as your daughter's, but they are yours, they are real, and they are valid. You are at that point in life where you ought to be able to address your own needs. You worked hard, raised your children, and now it's time to enjoy life.

Others have spoken of a binary yes/no solution. I offer a middle ground of sorts.

Would it help to get the calendar and mark some dates? One would be a date when you and your daughter believe that she will be prepared to leave. Your task would be to help her meet that deadline. She may need support emotionally, financially, or for child care. Another date would be when you and your wife believe your daughter will be ready for your disclosure. That would give you time to think about how you will go about it.

We are in in a similar situation. Our daughter tried but was unable to provide a home for her infant child. She and our now 3.5 year old grandchild have been living with us for about nearly three years. None of my children know of my crossdressing. Disclosure to my live-in daughter will not happen unless or until my wife becomes comfortable with the disclosure. I cope by underdressing and taking advantages of opportunities.

Best wishes
MsVal

[giuseppina]

Krisi's post (39) and Reine nailed it for me.

I don't agree with posters that advocate imposing your CDing on your daughter at this difficult time. If this is something you absolutely must do for your own mental health, the slow and gentle disclosure may be best. Your wife should be in on this decision. While your daughter did not make a good choice for a husband, I think that making any comments or hints in this regard is likely to be seen as judgement, something your daughter doesn't need.

The worst thing is threatening her ex with bodily harm. That is a criminal offense where I live. There are legal ways to get this point across like unpublished telephone numbers and no-contact restraining orders. If the ex violates a restraining order, he is in contempt of court and can be thrown in jail.

It's up to your daughter, but my impression is she needs your love, support, and protection from her ex at this time. It would not surprise me if she is too upset to seek and/or hold employment at this time. If she wants someone to escort her outside the home as she regains her strength, so be it. Counselling with a duly qualified and licensed mental health professional is a good idea, but she has to take the initiative in some form. Some family doctors will see someone in her situation at the end of their appointments the same day of a request for an appointment. Lastly, if she makes any comments or does anything about harming herself or anyone else, take her to the emergency ward for a mental health assessment.

It wouldn't surprise me if it takes a year for your daughter to regain her mental health. If she chooses to see a therapist, perhaps you and your wife can have a chat with the therapist about how to handle your CDing or any other issue that may arise.

[Adelaide]

Your daughter comes first. Help her, love her. Do not worry her with Betty. There will be a better time to discuss it with her later, when her life gets more stable.

[betty1253]

Hi, it's me.
I would once again like to thank everyone who felt this was worthy to comment on.
You know, discussing the basic situation with friends and colleagues has helped, but I have turned to you to talk about this part of the story. We are all kindred spirits here.


Betty