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Thread: Cured from the Pink Fog

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    Cured from the Pink Fog

    Cured from being trans - My life story – childhood to pre-transition and back to being a man.

    I was brought up by a loving mother with brief annual visits to see a loving (but free-spirited) father.

    Temperament can be described as: Independent thinker, shy, kind, introverted, intelligent, rebellious and creative.

    Notable factor is that I was inappropriately touched once by an adult female when I was about six years old. This female defined my aspiration, ideal and desire of sexual femininity throughout my life.

    My mother, a working single mother, left me home-alone often and I found wearing her clothing to be very comforting. I started to dress in her silky petticoats and tights at about six or seven years old (as early as I can remember) and wore her shoes, bras, skirts and blouses –imagining myself totally to be a girl – by the age of ten or eleven. Dressing was not an erotic activity when I was pre-teen (perhaps this is obvious). This activity was always kept a secret and I considered myself the only boy in the world who did this.

    In “boy mode” I didn’t like sport at all and preferred to tinker with things and especially liked making things out of cardboard or paper with female friends. Also enjoyed going out on my bike with male friends. I could spend hours alone happily making things out Lego or things I found around the house.

    I became aware that I was much more introverted than others and preferred to be alone. Social contact became increasingly harder each day and I started to miss school preferring to stay at home watching television and sometimes dressing up.

    Dressing became a sexually-charged, “magical altered state”, experience as I hit puberty and by the time I was a mid to late teen; I spent any money I had (which wasn’t much at sixteen years old) on lycra dresses, shoes, wig, make-up, tights and false-nails. I was too young for any club-scene and couldn’t relate to being tied up in leather and latex (which I’d seen in a “0898” advert. )

    Not having any contact with other trans people in the 90s I continued to keep it a secret. I felt lonely and ashamed. I didn’t identify as either a man or a woman although I liked girls and liked being a girl. When I read about transvestism being a sexual fetish, and thought about my own pre-puberty history of dressing-up, I considered that perhaps it was more than just a sexual fetish.

    From using the dictionary I was aware what “transsexual” meant although from my shameful position of being “in the closet” living openly as “trans” seemed (at my age) like another world entirely which I couldn’t yet relate to.

    Aged nineteen I found it increasingly difficult to function in the world and had a nervous breakdown. I kept all this secret and started to explore transsexuality on USENET / the early internet. My head was a mess and I found myself having a total identity crisis.

    I started to hate having this secret and, as I finished school and experienced the world, thought that the only way out of this mess would be to live full-time as a woman. I didn’t know for sure but hoped that living as a woman would somehow be a “magical pill” that would allow me to live a normal life.

    I started to dress ambiguously and started to grow my hair too. When I was in art college I told my GP that I felt like a “woman trapped in a man’s body”. I was referred to a nurse at a NHS gender clinic who told me “we can’t tell you if you’re male or female gender, you must decide that for yourself, but we can support you if you wish to transition (subject to real life test of course)”.

    I was prescribed anti-depressants from my GP but didn’t feel confident enough to continue on the path of “real life test” immediately so carried in with collage, growing my hair out and building up a female wardrobe.

    At age 20 I had my first long-term relationship with a girlfriend. She was so accepting of me and I felt safe with her. Knowing that she had a gay friend I decided to came out to her. She was supportive when I said that I might have to live as a woman and I that’s why I dressed androgynously and removed my body hair. I made myself up in front of her and she told me it was like seeing the man she knew disappear in front of her eyes as I pressed the powder into my foundation and (voilĂ*!) applied my Claire’s accessories synthetic blond bob. She told me she loved me no matter what and I was happy to have someone who I could venture out into the real world with whilst dressed.

    We had a normal straight relationship and although the anti-depressants (Seroxat ) numbed me sexually they enabled me to take stock of the life altering decision facing me. Wearing “normal” women’s day-wear now seemed no different to wearing men’s wear. This journey started to become less and less about “me” and more about my role in the world.

    I felt empty all the time yet I had to consider if transitioning would give me the chance of ever living a fulfilling life… A difficult decision to make, staring into the unknown, with very limited life experience.

    Really I had no idea who “I” was so had to take a pragmatic approach and consider what any other woman would do if they found themselves in this man’s body. If I was a women (inside) and the perceived phenomena of “women’s trapped in men’s bodies” was real then how should I proceed? I considered that my ideal of a virtuous woman would live as a man if for no other reason than to be able to give back to the world as fully as possible.

    At this time, aware that I could wear men’s clothes and still act however I wished without fear of being perceived as gay or a weirdo, I felt more “normal” than ever. I considered that perhaps living as a woman wouldn’t actually make “me” feel any better at all and keeping up a female appearance is hard work too.

    I slowly started to decrease the anti-depressant dosage. I started to be able to feel my orgasm normally again and after several months was still able to function normally in life although my identity crisis worsened and I felt a deeper despair of being lost than I previously did. I would have many emotional times when I couldn’t deal with life but found comfort crying in my girlfriend’s shoulder.

    Perhaps my girlfriend had taken on the role of a female presence which I needed so much in my life. The world seemed like a bizarre show wherein I couldn’t find a way to grow into who I needed to be in order to function as I should.

    One evening alone whilst watching television I lost all hope in the world. There seemed to be no difference between my own troubles and all the troubles in the world. The world, seen through the television, seemed to be as troubled as myself and so far in my brief experience (the world) was only getting worse each day.

    As I lost all hope, in my emotional state, I felt a source of energy connect with the crown of my head. Instantly I left my body and flew through a black space like I was in outer space. I was totally surprised to exist without a body and very quickly became aware that I could feel all my identity as a residue of memories clinging to “me” in this black space.

    Automatically I started to deconstruct all the false ideas about who I was, impressions about relationships and past life experiences. I was able to feel through all these residues as if clairvoyant. As ‘I deconstructed my identity’ (more accurately ‘it happened to me’) there was an increasing presence of love. Finally I was swept into a great ocean of unconditional love where I drifted in amazement. Words cannot describe this experience of infinity

    When I tried to cognize this “space” I was ejected back into my body. At once I became aware “I’m back in normal reality” and thought “I must breath!”…As I took a breath of air like it was breathing for the first time. I could actually taste the nitrogen and oxygen. I had been reborn.

    My identity crisis had ended. I felt totally healed and whole. I was (and still am) so thankful. I realized that as I’d existed without a body, outside of normal space-time, then “I” must truly be spirit. The unconditional love had healed my spirit (i.e healed me). My spirit must have become broken or damaged at an early age but finally I was repaired.

    I didn’t dress as a women for 15 years after my transcendent experience of unconditional love. I was too busy just enjoying life to worry about making it any more difficult than it can be anyway.

    I now continue to live my life growing each day without the intense identity problems which made me unable to function for many years.

    Recently I assembled some stuff (had nothing) to see how it felt to dress up.
    I don't really feel any different in women's clothes but it's funny and amusing to see myself as a woman after all these years.
    Although I think I look okay:.. I'm really not a trans person anymore. More like a man in a dress.
    I'm proud to say I'm a a man but not ashamed to share this video of myself....

    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-31-2015 at 04:11 AM. Reason: NO RELIGION NO EXCEPTIONS
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  2. #2
    Transgender Member Dianne S's Avatar
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    Well, that's a pretty unusual story, but as long as you're happy, all I can say is good luck to you, assuming it's true and not made up to prove some sort of point.
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-31-2015 at 03:59 AM.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Kathryn Martin's Avatar
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    why are you here then?
    "Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)

  4. #4
    Silver Member STACY B's Avatar
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    That is Crazy, same thing happen to me around late teens early 20s. But what we call it was WORK, Family, Bills, Testosterone, An a sure fire need to fit in. Most do not get an outta body trip though. Maybe that was when I used to drink a lot an had them from time to time.

    But if your not Trans good for you! Always good news that someone does not have this problem to deal with. So I guess this is Goodbye then? Thanks for the information. GOOD LUCK !

  5. #5
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    you werent cured of anything..

    the system worked and protected you from screwing up your life.

    its good you figured out you were not transsexual before the pink fog destroyed your life..

    its a good cautionary tale and explains why many people are met here some skepticism.

    its good you didn't transition but the title is very misleading hopefully not on purpose..you weren't cured of anything

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frances View Post
    do you wish to cure others?
    My story is really unusual, and perhaps interesting about the spirit (?) so I just wanted to share it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    you werent cured of anything..

    its good you didn't transition but the title is very misleading hopefully not on purpose..you weren't cured of anything
    Well I can certainly say that my spirit was healed because that's my experience.
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-31-2015 at 04:01 AM. Reason: Multiposts will be merged or deleted. THIS TIME you got "merged"
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  7. #7
    ghost Anne2345's Avatar
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    Almost four years ago, on June 6, 2011, you wrote the following:

    Quote Originally Posted by Yasmine View Post
    Now I'm as happy ( as the human condition allows ) living as a man and will just unleash Yasmine for fun.... Like a hobby I guess
    Earlier today you wrote:

    Quote Originally Posted by Yasmine View Post
    I didn’t dress as a women for 15 years after my transcendent experience of unconditional love. I was too busy just enjoying life to worry about making it any more difficult than it can be anyway.

    I now continue to live my life growing each day without the intense identity problems which made me unable to function for many years.

    Recently I assembled some stuff (had nothing) to see how it felt to dress up.
    I don't really feel any different in women's clothes but it's funny and amusing to see myself as a woman after all these years.
    BUT, back in 2011 you wrote several posts wherein you described going shopping, dressing up, shaving your legs, trying on and buying wigs, doing your makeup, and you even posted pictures (which seem to no longer be there).

    So it hasn't really been 15 years or "all these years" since you last dressed, has it?

    And considering that at least as 4 years ago you considered this a "hobby," it doesn't sound like there is a whole lot more to talk about as it relates to real honest-to-goodness transsexuals in the transsexual forum.

    Sounds more like you should have posted this in the crossdressers forum. Apparently, the urge to dress comes and goes among some crossdressers for reasons that are unknown to me. I'm not so sure that a "cure" or anything is involved, but I am no authority on such things.

    Regardless, I echo Kathryn's question:

    Why are you here? What are you trying to accomplish by posting your story?

    And now that I see your follow-up post:

    Quote Originally Posted by Yasmine View Post
    Well I can certainly say that my spirit was healed because that's my experience.
    I feel compelled to ask - your "spirit" was "healed" how? In what manner was your spirit broken or sick that it required healing? Do you really mean to suggest that being transgender is a malady of the spirit or soul that requires healing by a deity or higher power (you specifically wrote "God")??

    Oh, and I am also curious - what does nitrogen and oxygen taste like? To the best of my knowledge, nitrogen is a colorless, odorless, and tasteless gas. Same goes for oxygen.
    Last edited by Anne2345; 03-30-2015 at 08:07 PM.

  8. #8
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    its a good story...

    you do know you were not cured of being trans though, right?

    you tried to be trans but found out you were just you...that's a whole different thing...and you are not the only one

    ....the transsexuals are the ones usually trying to not be trans...heh

    =====

    just saw the above...so is this story a lie?? or was the story from 4 years ago lie?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anne2345 View Post
    back in 2011 you wrote several posts wherein you described going shopping, dressing up, shaving your legs, trying on and buying wigs, doing your makeup, and you even posted pictures (which seem to no longer be there).

    So it hasn't really been 15 years or "all these years" since you last dressed, has it?
    Quote Originally Posted by Anne2345 View Post
    Why are you here? What are you trying to accomplish by posting your story?
    To give others i wider perspective. Because it's my "truth". And to relay my belief: we are not "male" OR "female" inside... we are just spirit.

    For your information; I didn't experience GID or need to dress / be a woman from approx 20 yrs old onwards. At age 35 I bought some crappy clothes but left them in another country. Recently (age 38) I thought "I never had a perfect fit" so sewed my own dress and got all the other stuff (makeup etc) to transform myself. Please note: I'm condensing my life story very much for the sake of one readable post... but that doesn't mean it's not true. You can call me CD or whatever you like but I identify as Male. If I wear my funky dress, cork wedges, and black belt then YES I'm cross-dressing, I guess. :-) I tell you truthfully the only "urge" I have is to be creative and dance in the mirror. Actually now I'm growing a beard so won't bother playing dress up. (God!.. not much else I could say here to offend people so I'll shut up)
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-31-2015 at 04:06 AM.
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  10. #10
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    Well this is all a good story if you're in a better place than you were before with this enlightening experience.
    Cheers to having no more pain about being Trans.

    Launa

  11. #11
    New Member EvaMarie's Avatar
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    Hi its an interesting story I can relate a lot with... You are happy now and at peace allegedly and thats all you can really hope for no matter what label you think applies to you... Just know that this NEVER goes away and in fact its known to get worse over time as you age.... I know I went many years denying my true self, or MAYBE not.... No one can argue that I wasn't at least on the surface a "successful" man... I used to actually try to believe I was a man too.... I was wrong....

    Thing is it NEVER ever went away and just got stronger as I got older... The fact that your here says something to me anyway... The line between TS and TG/CD/TV is a very fine one and its not uncommon at all to try everything you can to deny the ultimate truth before finally accepting it and dealing with it... Again not sure what your point is here but your not alone anyway .)

  12. #12
    Valley Girl Michelle789's Avatar
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    I agree with EvaMarie and Anne. Maybe you're not a TS, maybe you're a CDer. You may be TS in denial (this is a HUGE problem with being TS or even a CDer).

    There are reasons someone may mistakenly think they're TS, such as trauma caused by a parent, sexual abuse. Some men who have certain, more stereotypically feminine, personalities, may question their gender identity because society forces us into boxes, and is especially hard on the men. You mention sexual abuse, which is a good indicator that you may be a "failed man" who thought he was trans, as triggered by sexual abuse. However, it also sounds like your CDing was pretty persistent. A "failed men" or a "feminine man" would have either no GD or CDing, or very weak GD or CDing - weaker than most CDers have. Your level of CDing sounds like you'd probably at least be a CDer or somewhere on the spectrum. A CDer has persistent CDing, and a TS has persistent GD, which often includes persistent CDing.

    My hats are off to you if you aren't TS. And if you aren't then you shouldn't transition, and I am very happy to heart that you have found peace and happiness in your life. But if you are, then I hope you are able to transition as soon as possible and not repress your true self anymore.
    Last edited by Michelle789; 03-30-2015 at 10:29 PM.
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    Member Ann Louise's Avatar
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    Yasmin, if you're identifying as "Male" then what are you doing here? Your zeal belies an ideology, not a "cure" from the clinical condition that many of us continue to suffer from. This is not helping anyone, except perhaps you and your skill at creative writing...
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  14. #14
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    how much politically correct bs do we need to have around here.."maybe" you are not transsexual?? yikes..

    we have a proven liar, that is clearly NOT transsexual, talking about getting cured of a malady and we are all saying nice things as if there is not a giant elephant in the corner of the room taking a dump

    its not just offensive yasmin....its just plain stupid ..

    if i sound upset, i'm not...i'm kind of in awe of your ignorance and how some us tried to give you the benefit of the doubt.

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    WTF??? It takes all kinds, I guess.

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    One way to look at my post is as follows;

    Case#1 - Someone has transitioned and IS happy and IS at peace with themselves and the world (that's what important right?)
    --------- My story is irrelevant for them unless they perhaps have an interest in spiritual matters in which case it could be an interesting read.

    Case#2 - Someone has transitioned and IS NOT happy and IS NOT at peace with themselves and the world. (perhaps they have lost all hope and are suicidal?)
    --------- My story MIGHT give them hope that even when we're at our lowest, hang on in there, and not to give up on life. (and I sympathise with the confusion identity crisis creates).
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-31-2015 at 04:16 AM. Reason: NO RELIGION, NO EXCEPTIONS
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  17. #17
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yasmine View Post
    For your information; I didn't experience GID
    No, you are right, when you were lost in your Pink Fog, you didn't experience GID
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-31-2015 at 04:16 AM.
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  18. #18
    Seasoned Member Rhonda Darling's Avatar
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    People! Read the fine print. In almost every post written here by Yasmine, Rianna - our super moderator - has had to edit out religious statements. I suspect Yasmine is attempting to proselytise. Boring and irrelevant to the many good discussions we have here. Bye bye, Yasmine.
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  19. #19
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    Yasmine - I'll take your story at face value...

    If you've found a way to accommodate this thing - a balance, harmony, whatever - then good for you. I'd guess more people actually do approach a lower level but they rarely come back to post it here... so thanks for sharing it. I don't see anything wrong with the concept of this place supporting people to not crossdress, although I also realise some may feel that this will reduce your relevance to any comments on fashion or beauty tips you may have made...

    KEEP IT POLITE PLEASE MEMBERS... If you really don't believe the OP then just move on to something you think more worthwhile...

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  20. #20
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I will respectfully observe that this individual also posted a similar testimonial in the transsexual forum. Needless to say, I find the observations about pink fog and the professed absence of GID puzzling.

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  21. #21
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Saying you are trying to help transsexuals with your story is like telling a stage 4 terminal cancer patient that there is hope because you like vanilla ice cream

    I believe its important to challenge posts. this is not about NOT supporting yasmine...yasmine is not here for support
    ...yasmine is here to influence with his story and can't even keep the story straight ..

    its supportive to actual transsexuals to point that out and be willing to stand for what is right.
    its supportive of other transsexuals to call BS when posters knowingly or unknowingly mock and disrespect their suffering.
    Last edited by Kaitlyn Michele; 03-31-2015 at 06:35 AM.

  22. #22
    Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    I am TG/CD. I am also a Christian. I respect the rules regarding religious discussions and will not enter into it on this forum. We as TG folk ask to be treated with dignity and respect. Please afford the same courtesy to religious folk.

    If your story is true I am truly elated for you. My advice to you then would be to refrain from crossdressing altogether. Stop the "testing", a rehabilited alcoholic going to a bar every so often to see if he is still rehabilitated will not stay rehabilitated forever. (And no I dont regard CD'ing an addiction).
    Last edited by Jenny Elwood; 03-31-2015 at 03:25 PM.

  23. #23
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    Yasmine, sounds awesome, a spontaneous release of all structures/traumas and becoming the love that is the only truth of our universe, sounds perfect to me, I recognise and acknowledge it all. I'm not going to analyse it, but i understand your experience.

    xxx Pamela
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  24. #24
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    You may claim your spirit was healed but you still are a liar! No longer TS? Now just a troll! But one with a healed spirit. Note to those who post or end up reading total BS posts; each poster has a history that can be searched for consistency. This has helped me "heal my spirit" of troll posts. This one just was a bit over the top so I posted a reply. My work is done here!

  25. #25
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Cool story. Reminds me of Carlos Castenada. I'm not too concerned about the objective truth of the story.

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