...and trying not to feel lonely. I haven't posted for months because things were starting to break down in my marriage. My former wife was always very encouraging of my dressing and presenting as female. She'd buy me things to wear all the time because she knew it made me happy. And I always let her know I appreciated that.
However, in December 2014 it became clear to both of us that I wasn't simply crossdressing. I was pre-transitional. At that point, my wife went into a real soul-searching. I know this was a terribly difficult position for her to be in after six years of marriage. She gave me hope that we'd stay together as a couple by saying that she'd learn to deal with it because she loves me. Well, it became too much for her and she wanted to divorce me, which she did. At that time, she said it'd been a strain on her for the past couple of years to tolerate the crossdressing once or twice a week. So all the truth came out. It isn't bad or good truth; just truth.
So anyhow, the only reason I moved to Chattanooga was to marry her, and now that we're over there's no reason to stay. I rented an apartment for a year to sort of call "time out" while I gather my head. In the midst of this, my therapist urged me to see a psychiatrist for a mental illness evaluation. It turns out I have bipolar 1 and PTSD (thank you, childhood home life). My mother died one week after that, and she left me nothing from her $2.2M estate. Honestly, I care not about the money, but I'd been trying to reconcile with her for 6 years and this was her final middle finger to me.
To make things worse, Chattanooga is a small town in terms of being quite gossipy. Typical southern town. My ex is very well-connected in the university and political culture here, and of course everyone is congratulating her on the wise choice to dump the tranny. She isn't hateful to me, and we're trying to remain friends, going out to dinner, to hike, etc., but she kept all our local friends while they dropped me like a hot coal. There is no future for me here in the next year.
I'm a software developer, so I'm lucky to be able to live anywhere I have an internet connection. I'm focusing on trying to research places to live which are far from Chattanooga, TN. I will definitely leave the backwards southeast. I just don't know where to go. I'm thinking about a Roadtrek RV to live in full time and travel from place to place across the US. I know a developer in the UK who does that. I'm trying to see this as an opportunity for a fresh start. But the losses I've had so far in 2015 have been a lot to bear.
I thought I'd found the right mate. In the end, I turned her off with being who I am. I believe I'll be alone the rest of my life because women just don't like people like me, and I don't like men. I'm just glad I have a great dog for companionship.
Thanks for listening.
