I am usually a very private person, and I attribute most of that to my upbringing where I was taught to keep your problems close and not let it out for others to see. So inherently I do not lean on people for advice or help very often and in most cases by the time I do reach out for help the damage has been done.
The last few months have been increasingly difficult for me. Living in a small town does not allow me many opportunities to get out and live as my authentic self so much of what I have been doing has been privately.
Laser Hair Removal - Private
Support Group once a month - Semi Private (far from anyone I know)
And only living as Megan when my son (8 years old)is not around - NOT THAT OFTEN
So it has been difficult and the pressure and GD has been building for a long time. I have been blessed with a very understanding wife who is still by my side and even has pressured me into getting a referral to CAMH to get the ball rolling. But still only living semi-part time has been tough and a huge drain emotionally.
So over the past few months I have been falling deeper and deeper into a depression and just recently found myself in a really really bad place. I was at the end of my rope and was considering the unthinkable. Instead of reaching out to the support system I had in place ( friends that I have came out to and so far have been very accepting and supportive) I kept these feelings internal and just let them fester inside me until I could no longer take it last week.
Well the good news is I finally reached out to my wife and my one close friend after 3 days of constant crying, explained to them where I was and I got the help I needed. My wife set up an appointment the next day with my therapist and my friend continuously tried to talk me off that ledge (along with my wife). I went to see my therapist and we had a good long chat.
Her opinion is that I had been living 2 lives for too long that were in direct conflict with each other. I was not allowing Megan to bleed into everyday life enough. So I left the office feeling a little better with a "do to list" that includes opening up to my son and telling him the truth.
I have read many times on here about the importance of establishing a real life support system and I cannot stress how important that is but in my case you need to use them as well!!!
Megan