Telling the Wife

[Babbs]

Oh how I wish I could tell my wife. It would make my life so much easier and sweeter. Even if she said do it on your own a couple of days a month and leave me out of it I'd be happy. But alas, When I start to get the nerve and practice how and when I could tell her, she comes out with statements about a guy at work who wore a pink shirt and she and others teased him badly about how gay he looked and did he switch to the other side, etc.. I then think if she ever saw my pics!! Madone a mia!! Oh well I guess I stay secreted.

[Jenniferathome]

Remember, she is not vested in the guy at work. It's not apples to apples.

[Alice_2014_B]

There's a sticky filled with tips on this very point.
I was very nervous telling my wife.

[Babbs]

Oh I hope your right Jennifer, btw I think I have those same earrings your wearing...lol

[cheryl reeves]

i was scared to death,but felt if she loved me enough she would stick around.

[charlenesomeone]

They know or suspect sometimes, but keep it quite. Only you know your wife, and how it may go.

[Lisa-N]

It would probably be better to share with her then to have her discover it later........speaking from experience. Whatever your decision wishing you luck.

[Sarah Louise]

Babbs, I know exactly how you feel! This is me all over.

After a dressing session, I'm on such a high that I'm desperate to share this part of me. As the hours pass, this wanes, and common sense / fear kicks in (not sure which). My wife means the world to me and I'm terrified of damaging our marriage. I fully get that this conflicts against the fact that honesty is important in a successful marriage.

I think that it helps that my desire to dress waxes and wanes. My dilemma would be so much harder if I wanted to be dressing more regularly.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

common sense / fear kicks in (not sure which).

It's a one-off high stakes gamble. You're betting the farm.

I'd call it caution or prudence- and there's nothing wrong with either of those.

[SandraB]

Babbs: For me the stress, from the fear of discovery and how lame I felt it would be to explain after the fact led me to disclose to my wife. As Alice mentions there are some very good tips on this site on how to do this. Before I disclosed, I went through how I might respond depending on how she may react. As they say 'hope for the best, but plan for the worst'.

Anyway, the decision to disclose can only be made yourself as you know your wife best and you will deal with the consequences good or bad. The only advice I can give is to do the groundwork before disclosing ... don't wing it!

Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

[Welshgirl]

Hi Babbs,

There has been a thread on here recently ('Is this a reasonable question?') that explores the perception among the unknowing that all crossdressers are gay. It sounds to me like your wife may be among those who would jump to such a conclusion, and that this is something that she doesn't want for you. If you do decide to tell her, I think that it would be wise to make very clear for the outset about your orientation and your future intentions, because if you take those out of the equation then she may be more relaxed about the whole thing. Maybe...

I remember being amused for years about a guy I used to see walking down our local high street in Doc Martins, a pink frilly dress and a big bushy black beard, but when I found that my husband wanted to wear ladies clothes it was a different story altogether. He was my husband, and I would do anything I could to support him. I suspect it is a fair measure of the strength of your relationship with her as to how she would treat this!

[Kandi Robbins]

Everybody's situation is, of course, different. There are many stories here about difficult relationships with SOs because of this. And there are many success stories.

But you know your wife better than anyone. If she loves you, she loves you! I'm not saying this flippantly, I kept the secret from my wife for almost 30 years. But when I finally told her, it opened up a world for me that I never thought was possible. Now I never got dressed from head-to-toe, fully presenting before I told my wife, but I can see from your profile pics that you do (you're a beautiful woman, by the way). My life is now so full (of dresses, skirts, shoes, makeup, shaving, shaving, shaving, etc. and I LOVE it!). At some point, she will find out. That could be years from now, but imagine how she will feel when she does.

My only advice is if and when you tell her, give back. Life is a two way street. My wife may have to share her skirts and shoes with me now, but she gained a fully attentive, open, outwardly loving and caring husband in a fully open and sharing relationship instead of this guy who loved her clearly, but rarely showed it.

But as I said, every relationship is different. You'll get no right answers here, but hopefully the fact that you are examining things will lead you to make the right decision.

[Marcelle]

Hi Babbs,

To tell or not to tell . . . a very common theme here and one that I am sure you know is quite polarized. One camp advocates "you should tell" while the other "when you are ready". I prefer to believe that each of us needs to make our own decision when it comes to telling our SO because you are basically gambling "everything" once you drop that bomb. There is no graduated way to let this news slip irrespective of how elegant you can be in speech or prose it will always come down to "Dear, I like to dress like a woman from time to time". As such it can only go one of two ways: (1) acceptance on some level; or (2) the relationship ends.

When I read these threads I always advise that if you are prepared to potentially loose everything because the need to dress is so extreme that if you cannot do so you will go crazy (i.e., your relationship is falling down around you because of pent up frustration of not being able to dress) then perhaps it is time for the talk. However, if you can dress on your own terms, keep things hidden/secret, do what you need to do then put it away until next time and you are still the same loving and caring partner . . . why risk it. Yes, some will argue your SO may find out but then again she may never find out and if you continue to be a good husband/father/partner what does it matter?

The key thing about telling is once the bell is rung, it cannot be silenced. If she takes it badly then that could spell the end of your relationship, she could share this information with mutual friends, coworkers or family . . . essentially, you loose control of the information. Just my two cents.

Hugs

Isha

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Babbs, I only wish that I could give you the answer to your situation ,
My wife is DA/DT I know my boundaries and stay within them.

See line #3 in my signature , I wish you all the best and good luck.

Please Keep us advised.

[kimdl93]

What's going to happen if she accidentally discovers?

The statements may indicate her attitudes or simply be a matter of giving the same socially conditioned responses she hears from others.

Spend some time investigating her real attitudes and the more time planning how you might break the news. Better by design than by default.

[CountessVF]

They know or suspect sometimes, but keep it quite. Only you know your wife, and how it may go.

Funny you mention this, my wife months after we had this talk, very matter of factly told me she knew something was going on because despite my best efforts she could tell things had been moved. It's like living with a detective. Luckily she's cool with it.

You could test the waters by jokingly slipping on some panties one morning and see how she reacts.

[Tina_gm]

So many of us face or have faced this situation. Yep, my wife too was not one who would think there could be cders who were not gay. To her (until I told her) it was all one big thing of not being straight or in any way normal.

I can only tell you if she discovers it rather than you telling her it will be even more traumatic to her. I can also tell you that the longer you go without telling her, the harder all of it gets, including keeping it all secret.

[char GG]

I don't know you, your wife, or your situation. I don't know why you didn't tell her before marriage.

That said, if you were my husband, I would be angry and hurt that you are sneaking around. I think it would be better if you came clean and told her everything. One of these days, maybe not soon, but eventually, she will probably find out. Then you will not only have to deal with the CDing but also the secrets.

[Raychel]

I have to agree with Char.

I told my wife after many years of marriage, and it was very rough.
my wife was super angry and hurt that I did not tell her sooner.
that I did not trust her enough to tell her sooner. That I kept all the secrets from her.
it was not pretty. Since all that has passed, we for the most part are doing ok, relationship wise.
and she has accepted that this is just part of me, at least that is what she tells me,

there is never a good time for this conversation.

[Tina_gm]

Rachel makes a great point about how there was a great amount of hurt and anger about the SECRET, not THE secret.

Yes, the cding aspect itself is difficult for most women, but at least as difficult and possibly more so is that she was not told, you did not trust her and now trust has been broken. You have demonstrated the ability to keep a very big secret from her for a very long time. She will have difficulty in trusting you, at least in the short term. "Is he telling me everthing ? What else might he be hiding?" This is all as big of a hurdle as cding itself is, and something many cders tend to over look. We tend to think all of whatever negativity we are experiencing is directly to the cding itself. It's not.

[Raychel]

"Is he telling me everthing ? What else might he be hiding?"

you nailed it gendermutt. EXACTLY what y wife was thinking.
The trust has grown back, it took a lot of work. not easy.

[Tina_gm]

Raychel, if I had to do it all over again I sure would have told my then girlfriend and rolled the dice of her sticking around.

My wife said to me in conversation that she doesn't know if she would have or not. But if I had, and she decided then to end it, Way less painful then it would be now. I also think that without years of the mental and physical image of the husband she has now, cding itself would have been more accepted.

The secrets we keep are hurting ourselves so much. While my wife still and always will struggle with all of it, she has accepted it on its basic level far more than she ever thought she could. She is a woman partially raised on a dairy farm in a very conservative Christian environment. So while there are no guarantees of anyone accepting it, anyone can, to a degree at least. We ourselves by keeping secrets only make it all so much harder for them as well as ourselves.

[Stephanie Julianna]

I told my wife before we were married 43 years ago and she is till not accepting. I have shown sympathy for Bruce Jenner when he pops up on the news and she basically says, "I don't get it." Even after all these years, with her knowing about my other self and how it has been part of who I am as a sensitive, husband, father, grandparent and nurse she refuses to give my female side any credit for the well rounded (pun intended) person I have become. Maybe you can get a DADT relationship out of telling your wife like I did but there are land mines in doing that as well. No one should know her better than you so good luck and I'll say a prayer for whatever you decide.

[Rebekah_uk]

Hi Babbs

All I can say is be strong and be prepared to answer questions. For me it was the single most scary thing I have ever done. Is there ever a right time to do this, I have to say Babbs the answer is nope.

The plus side for me is that after twenty years plus of fighting this. It feels as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. My wife also noted that she has seen change in my demeanor. I'm a lot calmer without this tearing at me all the time.

Without the the advice people here I wouldn't have had the courage to do this.

[Beverley Sims]

Your wifes reaction to the other man at work is a collective one between everyone.

Your wife's reaction to you may be a little different as she has a vested interest in you.

You do need to find out more as to what her reaction would be like.

It is difficult to advise you on this one.