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Thread: Our neighbor knows!

  1. #1
    When in doubt? Smile! Chrissi's Avatar
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    Our neighbor knows!

    Ok, so today again for the second time, I ventured out en femme. Yes the genie is out of the bottle.

    first the brief back story...no not that, but about our new garage door! Last month we (bf and I) had a new, really beautiful garage door installed. The old one was old and we needed something new and stylish to match the recent work we've had done on the house.

    Now the incident:
    Across the street our new neighbors (they have been there almost a year - and yes they know we are gay) well the dad, was out playing with his two girls in the yard. As I was backing out, and yes I am fully dressed) I hear: "Wait, wait wait" OMG I am thinking I just drove over a toy or something, I knew the girls were safe because I could see them in my mirror. I stop and he approaches my side, door. I opened it to get out, not even thinking, and he smiles and asks me about the new garage door! No reaction other than his smile. I instantly went into coming out mode (god knows when you are gay, coming out is a life long process), didn't flinch and had a pleasant conversation with him about how nice the new door looks and where we got it and how much it cost...all the typical neighbor things. I even told him that we are having a new driveway installed in the late Spring to finish up all the landscaping we did last summer. I acted normal, and best I could tell, we don't know them super well yet, he was perfectly okay with it.

    Ok now my dilemma...actually two
    I am thinking that I should approach him next time I see him out and about and just let him know that I like to express my female side from time to time. I really would like to discuss it so he and his wife don't make any bad assumptions. I think it is okay based on our conversation - I am pretty good at reading peoples emotions - but so, I would like to get it out in the open and let him know it's not some deep dark secret. Ok girls what say you all?

    the second dilemma is somewhat minor: I need to tell my bf. He knows I like (want) to dress. But he has never really seen me all dressed up. I think it is time to open up to him about this, after all he lives here too! Again, thoughts? (but I already know the answer to this one)

    love and hugs
    Chrissy

  2. #2
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    Chrissy, the funny thing is that because most people assume cross dressers are gay, you likely confirmed his assumption. Frankly, I think it is best to simply treat him like any neighbor and nothing more. In fact calling out that his "girls are safe" is more of an alarm to me than a calming affect.

    Now, on telling your boyfriend, there are several gay cross dressers here and I found it interesting, but totally rational, that reactions were really no different than that of wives and girlfriends. Some accept, some are DADT, some separated. My advice on telling a spouse is to tell it all, tell it once, and allow your mate time to process the info.

  3. #3
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    :-)) there's no going back now!
    I don't think you need to say anything to your neighbour, other than what arises naturally in future. Time to tell your BF tho!

    xxx Pamela
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  4. #4
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Hi Chrissy, your renovations sound fantastic!

    I agree with Jenniferathome. Your neighbor likely thinks that dressing is par for the course for gay men, and so no other explanation is necessary. If you want to explain though, next time you are alone with him and no one is rushing out to go somewhere, you could ask him if he has any questions about the time he saw you dressed as a woman. And then go from there.

    I also agree with Jennifer's second point, that strangely both gay and hetero partners run the spectrum of acceptance levels. You might want to read this well-attended thread on the subject, even though it is several years old:

    http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ead.php?138715
    Reine

  5. #5
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    You should change your name to Cat, because you are out of the bag.

    Assuming your bf is OK with you dressing I'd go ahead and interact with the neighbor both as male and female. Not to assure him his daughters are OK but to assure him you're the same person no matter how you're dressed -- to me, that would be the important message. No matter which way it goes you've given your neighbor a memory I think he'll treasure.

  6. #6
    When in doubt? Smile! Chrissi's Avatar
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    Thanks girls, you all make a good point. That was something I didn't even consider about straight people assumptions...you would think I would, but from my side of the fence, we gays don't think like that. Plus gay crossdressers are well not all that common in the gayborhood. But I suppose to a straight person, crossdressing and drag are all the same thing. Thanks for the perspective, I am glad I posted.

    As to my BF, no that won't be an issue telling him. Like I mentioned, that one dilemma was the minor one, as he already knows about my dressing. It's just more of a scope and scale thing, rather than a: "honey, I have something to tell you...SURPRISE!" thing. I certainly don't mean to make light of it, as I know so many of you girls struggle with this very issue and it is often as heartbreaking as it can be liberating. It's just that I didn't want him to find out that I have been doing something and not including him about it. In a way I am lucky in that he travels a lot, so it leaves me free time to dress at home for extended periods. Perhaps one night when we are in a playful mood I'll get "dressed" up - well as dressed up as lingerie and heels can make me...and I'll take it from there. Believe me, he would like that - we have talked about it many times - to the extent that I tell him my sizes...he just never catches the hint, oh well. I guess in some small way, I really can't reconcile our relationship as two gay men, with the introduction of Chrissy. He doesn't know I call myself that. He is a sweetie and a kind man and he was married to a woman once, long ago, but still. He, unlike me, is mostly out, just not at work. Not that this would ever cause an issue there, the two are completely distinct and separate. So it is fair to have a discussion with him. I know he will take it well, and my guess, is that this will remain something I do when he is away, and that is just fine with me. But none the less, he deserves to know.

    I love this forum, big hugs
    Chrissy.

    PS: oh, and the aspect of the neighbor's girls...that hadn't even crossed my mind. I really don't think that is/was an issue. I mean we talked for several minutes while they continued to play. That is not was I was referring to about the deep dark secret. I think it was pretty clear in the manner I was dressed, that I was just going out and running some errands, you know girl stuff. My guess is mom and dad will be having a gender discussion with their girls, but honestly I doubt they even noticed.
    Last edited by Chrissi; 04-05-2015 at 04:44 PM.

  7. #7
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    Do not do anything other than be neighborly. You owe no explanations. Just be yourself and everything will be just great between you and your neighbor.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    I think the fact that your neighbor carried on a conversation with you after seeing you dressed means he made a decision immediately that he was comfortable enough with you to continue talking. First impressions are usually the ones we stick with. I'd just go about my life and treat your neighborly relationships just as you did before.
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  9. #9
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    Hi Crissy, Oh well that sounds like one hurdle out of the way, Now you need to be honest with the BF.
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  10. #10
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    Over the years I've been outed to neighbors several times. Some may think I might be gay, but all the neighbors have been and remained friendly. I had one neighbor who I talked to about my CDing. One night while out walking with her I asked if she could see my bra line as the car lights hit my back. She told me relax no one ever looks for bra lines and no it wasn't clearly visible.

    Once you clear it with your BF I would go about what ever you want to do. I like to garden and wear fem clothes when doing it, front or back yard. I've had a couple of neighbors check out my chest or painted toes but no comments.

  11. #11
    Member Rileyaz's Avatar
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    I can hear your boyfriend now..."You like to dress like a woman? Are you straight?"

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member natalie_cheryl's Avatar
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    Well you should definitely tell your bf about the encounter with your neighbors, and what's the worst that can happen from letting him see you all frees and pretty

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member irene9999's Avatar
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    I agree with everyone else, if anything, your neighbor likely wasn't surprised with you being dressed en femme since you're gay. If you were straight the encounter may have been more awkward

  14. #14
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chrissyout View Post
    In a way I am lucky in that he travels a lot, so it leaves me free time to dress at home for extended periods. ... I really can't reconcile our relationship as two gay men, with the introduction of Chrissy. He doesn't know I call myself that.
    There are many members here who are in a DADT arrangement, they dress when their SO's are not home. But I gather this is difficult to navigate. What happens when the SO strops traveling, or if the urge to dress strikes when the SO is home, or when the SO nears retirement? It would place you in an awkward position, having to deny yourself.

    Quote Originally Posted by chrissyout View Post
    PS: oh, and the aspect of the neighbor's girls...that hadn't even crossed my mind.
    About the girls. If your neighbor knows that you are gay, then I'm sure he doesn't worry about his girls' safety.

    Unfortunately, views are not always that open-minded when CDers are hetero, among some age groups and in some pockets of society. Some people are ignorant and they equate the CDing with perversion, just like in decades past when some people equated homosexuality with pedophilia. But if you live in a neighborhood populated mostly by people your age, then I'm sure that mind-set is not there.

    I know I'm preaching to the choir, but the changes have been so vast in the last five years or so in terms of expanding the legal rights of homosexuals, that finally people (I think overall) accept the right to be attracted to same-sex ... except in places like Indiana and Arkansas.
    Reine

  15. #15
    When in doubt? Smile! Chrissi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rileyaz View Post
    I can hear your boyfriend now..."You like to dress like a woman? Are you straight?"
    Well yes, I guess I would be a straight woman...lol

  16. #16
    Multi-Blogger Barbara Black's Avatar
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    Rileyaz: LOL

  17. #17
    When in doubt? Smile! Chrissi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    There are many members here who are in a DADT arrangement, they dress when their SO's are not home. But I gather this is difficult to navigate. What happens when the SO strops traveling, or if the urge to dress strikes when the SO is home, or when the SO nears retirement? It would place you in an awkward position, having to deny yourself.



    About the girls. If your neighbor knows that you are gay, then I'm sure he doesn't worry about his girls' safety.

    Unfortunately, views are not always that open-minded when CDers are hetero, among some age groups and in some pockets of society. Some people are ignorant and they equate the CDing with perversion, just like in decades past when some people equated homosexuality with pedophilia. But if you live in a neighborhood populated mostly by people your age, then I'm sure that mind-set is not there.

    I know I'm preaching to the choir, but the changes have been so vast in the last five years or so in terms of expanding the legal rights of homosexuals, that finally people (I think overall) accept the right to be attracted to same-sex ... except in places like Indiana and Arkansas.
    Pretty spot on, this is an highly educated very upscale and liberal Town...The local school system is both highly rated nationally and is known for being avant-garde and progressive even in liberal Massachusetts. The rainbow flag is proudly flown on National Coming Out day even!

    Don't get me going on Indiana and Arkansas and Texas and Ted Cruz and well all the tea party...I want to think happy thoughts before I go to sleep tonight.

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rileyaz View Post
    I can hear your boyfriend now..."You like to dress like a woman? Are you straight?"
    Now that's comedy!

  19. #19
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Your boy friend wants a boy for a boyfriend so youhave a problem there, no dresses or frilly underwear in his life.

    The neighbour....

    Tell him nothing, keep him confused.

    He will just have to accept that there are straight gay people.
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  20. #20
    Aspiring Member TinaZ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rileyaz View Post
    I can hear your boyfriend now..."You like to dress like a woman? Are you straight?"
    OK, that made me laugh HARD. Too funny.

    Whether gay or straight, a relationship is a relationship. Treat him with the same dignity and respect you'd expect from him, be honest, be open, wait for questions, repeat.

    As for your neighbor, it sounds as though he's already in the know and OK. My gut says let that situation sit as-is.
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  21. #21
    Senior Member Sammy777's Avatar
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    Fill in your BF with the details, as many have said already.

    As far as the neighbor goes, I wouldn't make a special trip over there to explain yourself.
    I would perhaps give them an opening to discuss it if they want to the next time you are talking with a simple:
    "I hope I didn't startle you last time" or "I guess you weren't expecting that the other day".
    If they want to talk about it, it gives them an opening without them feeling guilty or pushy, and if they don't want to talk about it they will simply laugh it off and move along the conversation.
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  22. #22
    Aspiring Member lauren_m's Avatar
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    Facebook has made me SUCH a lazy online citizen -- I've really enjoyed this thread (intelligent posts by the author, thoughtful/civil responses, and some great humor mixed in), but haven't come up with anything of worth to contribute. On FB, I could express my appreciation for the thread with a simple "like," but I'm beginning to realize how much that's rotting my brain :P

    But Chrissy, I will say this: You have such a wonderfully natural and pretty look (I can't even tell you how jealous I am!), that it's not at all surprising that your neighbor felt so at ease speaking with you. It could be that he would have been just as chatty if you were sporting an over the top drag queen look (as some in this thread have suggested, many folks conflate homosexuality with drag and/or TG issues anyway), but I have to think that it reflects his impression that you were really meant to present this way (at least from time to time).

    As for the situation with your bf, I'm not completely sure I understand the dynamics at play (who knows, maybe you're not exactly sure yet, either! ), but I wish you a lot of luck and hope that you'll keep us posted!

  23. #23
    Silver Member Stephanie Julianna's Avatar
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    Wow, this is a different twist on what we straight(?) couples deal with. I would say yjere are no issues with your neighbor and you just do what you want. I think he will let you know if he has an issue but it sure does not sound like he does. As far as your BF, he deserves the same considerations that our wives do. He may be just as nervous about neighbors knowing about your crossdressing so be gentle. Being gay is usually not an issue but crossdressing is still not considered mainstream. Just be smart and gentle. You might end up with DADT like many of us but if he truly loves you you both will figure out the best way to live with your genie.

  24. #24
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    Hi Chrissy,

    Now that is quite the day! I tend to agree with most in that you really do not owe your neighbors a long winded explanation about what you do since he did not seem too fussed about it. However, if he brings it up you could take that moment to educate him if you desire. WRT to your BF, well you know him best and since he has an inkling it is something you "wish, like" which in reality is something you have done and really want to continue doing, you might open some dialogue to see what he is comfortable with in much the same way anyone would be prepared to open up to their SO. However, like any "talk" it will go only one of two ways: (1) acceptance on some level; or (2) no acceptance.

    Hugs

    Isha

  25. #25
    When in doubt? Smile! Chrissi's Avatar
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    Wow, off to work in a few...but wanted to thank you all for the sage advice in your most thoughtful responses. So true about the dynamics of a relationship whether straight or gay or transgender. Human dynamics and emotions are so complex.

    I will let the neighbor issue be until I bump into them again and perhaps casually mention it, or not depending on the situation.

    As for my boyfriend, another discussion is warranted and he deserves that, of course. My guess is that this will stay a DADT-WBBT (don't ask don't tell situation, with bedroom bonus time And that is okay.

    Thank you all, and really big and warm hugs
    Chrissy

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