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Thread: Wife Had Too Much Today!

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member ChristinaK's Avatar
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    Wife Had Too Much Today!

    I'm really disappointed right now. After much deliberation, I finally got my ears pierced today. I was thrilled, yet possessed much trepidation about what my wife would say. The clerk was very sweet. We even have the same names! We talked for a long time about crossdressing and how people view it, etc. I couldn't stop looking at myself in the rear view mirror on the way home.

    Well, I ended up in the hospital due to chest pain. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of calling my wife to let her know. She was at work and I thought she was going to stay there. I was sitting in a small room with 8 other people waiting to see the doctor. In walks my wife, totally unexpected. She took one look at me and I remembered instantly that my ears were pierced.

    She was NOT a happy camper. In front of everybody, she started berating me, albeit in a low voice. The others could still hear and see though. She went on and on about how inappropriate it was for a professional, how she was sick of me transitioning (I'm not, but have shaved my body for the last year, have bought a few androgynous sweaters, trimmed my eyebrows and wear women's pajamas, which SHE bought me), how I'm not the man she married, how it turns her off and if I keep it up I'm going to lose her. WOW!

    I had no idea she would react so strongly and especially in front of all those people. I just wanted to crawl away. She demanded that I take them out immediately. I resisted for a while, trying to talk logically and assuring her I am not transitioning, but to no avail. The others tried not to look, but all conversation stopped as they were listening. Oh well, I'll never see them again anyway.

    So, she took them out while the others watched; not humiliating at all.

    I tried to explain that I have always been this way and will never change and that I like the way I am. I try to keep my stuff from her, don't ever talk about it and really appreciate the fact that she lets me wear panties and women's nylon and satin pajamas. But, if I want pierced ears, it should be my decision.

    I can appreciate that I have been a disappointment to her, but it's so tough for me as well. I wish so much that I could share my other self to her and if she would open her mind that she would see that having a feminine side makes me who I am; a thoughtful, caring and understanding man that appreciates what women go through. I'm not a macho jerk and will never be one. That's one of the things that attracted her.

    But, I understand as well that if she got a tattoo on her arm, wore her hair butch, threw out her makeup and started wearing men's flannel shirts I would not be happy. I'm not as flagrant as that, but you get the idea.

    I am what I am and I would not give up crossdressing for anything. I have done it my entire life and am not about to change. I have tried the last year to integrate, very carefully, some changes that make me happy, feel more feminine yet not going too far. Why not, if it isn't flagrant?

    Sorry, I just had to vent and am very disappointed that the woman I love see's me as a freak, which she has called me in the past. It seems so wrong to keep myself a secret. She thinks that crossdressing is a conscious decision and that I can just not do it. I have tried to explain that I will always go back to it and end up wearing her clothes if she forces me to shed mine.

    Is crossdressing a curse? It seems so natural to me. It is who I am. I wore my sisters dresses when I was four. It is who I am. I can't change that.

    I'm not looking for advice, I just wanted to vent. I know many of us are in DADT situations, many who are in worse circumstances than I.

  2. #2
    Junior Member kiwidownunder's Avatar
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    Hi ChristinaK

    Did you talk to her about this before you got your ears pierced?

    Kiwi

  3. #3
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    Christina, I do not think it is a curse. Yet we do get our SO mad at us sometimes and it is very disappointing. Let it cool down a bit. I may get my ears pierced, My SO and I have talked about that. One thing I do is transition back to male for four days of the week and if we need to go see somebody. I do try to be as male as I can be. I'm sure she was shocked but maybe if you took her with you to get that done, she might not have been as upset. Let it cool down and talk to her when the time is right.
    Part Time Girl

  4. #4
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    I rather think kiwi has put it very succinctly. In your wife's defence she was probably quite anxious anyway, knowing that you were ill. I suspect that this will be a day that you will remember and things will never be quite the same again. Good luck

  5. #5
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry.

    I don't want to take sides about how much you should CD, and how much she should tolerate or accept. The balancing point between couples is on a very wide scale and I don't know you, your wife, or your interpersonal dynamics.

    But I do know this: She should have waited until you both got home to have the discussion. And you should have discussed the ear piercing with her first.
    Reine

  6. #6
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    I don't know if my advice is any good in your case. Never been married and my last relationship lasted only 6 years. Dont really know lots of detail about yours but if you show her the respect she deserves daily, I think she should too. I would not take any shit like that, disrespecting me like that infront of other people would not go lightly. It appears that she's not happy with your feminine side and standing up for yourself could show her that your not going to be treated like that.

    I don't think my advice is any good in your situation because I'm in a fresh relationship and my mindset changed somewhat. Not gonna let someone treat me that way but I always make sure that I treat her with upmost respect.
    Talk to her in a calm manner and listen to her what she has to say.

  7. #7
    Silver Member DanaR's Avatar
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    I'm sorry too, but I agree with Reine.

    I talked to my wife about piercing my ears, years ago and she didn't want me to it. Then over the years we talked more about it, and about five years ago, she told me to get them pierce; which I didn't do, because of our earlier conversations and I didn't want to upset her. Then about a year and a half ago, she told me that she was taking me down to get them pierced for a birthday present; which we did. The reason that I'm telling you this is that I didn't want it to be a problem for her, even though it would be cool to have them pierced (which it is) I could live without having it done. I think that she finally realized that it wouldn't be that big of a deal to have them pierced. I'm surprised that almost no one has said anything about them; which is great.

    I hope that you and your wife can work through this.
    Dana Ryan

  8. #8
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    Marriage is a hard road I have been there twice but I did learn don't let your wife run your life.
    Marriage is give and take I realize that and its always a compromise I know I know.
    If you don't stand up to her she will lose respect for you and that is something you will never get back.
    Once I learned how to lay the law down things got much better.
    Mine admitted to me she would try to push my buttons and start arguments because she knew I would cave in and give her what she wanted.
    Once that stopped her tone and demeanor was very different. She even told me she loved the fact I was being more assertive and not taking her BS anymore.
    Thats just my situation and I'm sure yours is very different but it seems she doesn't care a lot about your needs and mental happiness.

  9. #9
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    Like all of our natural ways of being, CD-ing is a blessing and a curse depending on your perspective at the time. Realising you did not ask for advice, nonetheless I'll comment:

    1. you did not discuss ear-piercing first, which set-up the show-down; seems like a classic victim-in-control game to me, where she is the patsy persecutor.

    2. she has a defined image of what a man is, seemingly based on clothing, but probably also about leadership and power. As you're giving her all the power and responsibility you're not manning-up for her most likely. Unconsciously she probably knew you were a girly-guy before you married, meaning in reality she's also playing the game.

    3. Rather than venting, be a man, talk assertively and take leadership. Regardless of your dress code, sounds like she would respond well to behavioural manliness.
    Last edited by pamela7; 04-08-2015 at 02:08 AM.
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  10. #10
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    I'm going to support Kiwi on this, marriage is about communicating, and not trying to annoy each other (we do that enough being male & female in the same house, without crossing boundaries)
    There are lots of threads on boundaries

    But there she is, all panicked that your not going to be alive for to long for her planned "happy ever after" with the one she loves, and then she sees your ear rings, my advice "duck & cover"
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  11. #11
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    I will agree with some that your wife chose an inappropriate time to have a tense stressful talk. Really, the guy's in a hospital with chest pains... Then there's the issue of discussing issues with a spouse before acting. I went back and read your introduction. You were lurking for four months and then decided to join. I hope you were not encouraged to toss sensibilities to the wind because you read the exploits of others on this site. I would never apply everything I read on this site to my relationship. What happens in the privacy of your home is totally different than what happens outside the four walls. You needed to discuss the concerns your wife may have had before doing the deed.
    Last edited by Stephanie47; 04-08-2015 at 09:56 AM. Reason: punctuation

  12. #12
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    Hi Christina,

    I am sorry to read what happened and can understand your angst, disappointment and public humiliation. I understand by your post you are in a DADT style relationship and while your wife seems to understand, she does not truly approve. Add to the mix subtle changes you discussed and getting your ears pierced . . . well, a potential whirlwind of disaster. To be totally honest, while getting your ears pierced is a personal thing, and many non TG men have both ears pierced, it is quite logically to assume your wife would have seen this as one more step toward loosing you to transition. Not saying you needed her permission to get your ears pierced but it is something you should have discussed.

    I am not excusing your wife's public outburst in any form . . . indeed it was not a proper place to have such a discussion among strangers. However, you could give her some latitude in that you had just called to inform her you were suffering chest pains and that could have dredged up a whole host of emotional responses (fear of losing your to a potential heart attack comes to mind). So she rushes in on an emotional roller coaster, sees you are sitting and okay, emotion supercharge drops, notices the pierced ears and then a lot of what is probably repressed fear (of losing you to transition) bubbles to the surface and collides with an already emotionally charged person. Again, it does not excuse the behavior but it is a plausible explanation for such a dramatic shift in persona.

    I understand you are in a DADT relationship which means "no talking about it" for most. However, I do note in other posts that you do discuss this side of you with your wife from time to time. I recommend you have a frank discussion with here when cooler heads prevail, lay all your cards on the table and let her lay her cards there. You really need to come to some sort of accord as I truly believe she is harboring a lot of resentment/fear and may need to get that out and get answers from you.

    I hope you are feeling better.

    Hugs

    Isha

  13. #13
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    Plenty has been said about your decision to get posts and neglect to speak with your wife first. I would like to observe that she was faced with what she may have thought was a serious health issue...you were after all at a clinic because of chest pains...and she encounters this unexpected sight. Of course she over reacted, but in this emotionally charged context, such a reaction is understandable....and not the last word.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

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  14. #14
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    I've been cavalier about most decisions regarding my appearance. Never really asked permission to remove body fur, to have my eyebrows waxed regularly, to grow my hair long. But those are seen as less-permanent changes. Not that tiny holes in the ears cannot be "reversed" but there is something that is "next level" about the piercing thing. She will see it all the time and to me, that is definitely joint-decision territory.

    So as cavalier as I have been, I guess this is where I personally draw the line.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
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    Oh boy, soak with gasoline, strike match! Good luck.

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    i agree your wife needs a talking to for her outburst in public,when i cross a boundry my wife waits til we are alone to jump my arse. as for ear piercing,your in the wrong on this big time,why? because you did not communicate and let her help make the decision. i too would jump your ass for it and im tg. my wife usually comes up with somethin to surprise me,like going out in public her idea,ears pierced her idea,see i drop hints here and there til she makes it her idea. if your marriage is not one of compromise and communication then your marriage is a msrriage in name only,and will lead to divorce,it was this part that almost cost me my marriage,we stayed up for almost 3 days doing nothing but talking,which lead her to putting make up on me and letting me dress up. needless to say we survived and now we are working on 27 yrs of marriage.

  17. #17
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    I don't get it.

    If a woman butchers her hair off into the Marine Corps Boot Camp look (like so many do these days), the guy is just told "Well it's HER BODY!! She can do WHATEVER she WANTS!!" and husbands/boyfriends/whatevers are just supposed to deal with it.

    But if one of us decides to get our ears pierced without the wife's permission? Oh you evil piece of buffalo chips, you should have ASKED her and discussed it with her first!!! You no good, uncaring, unthinking, inconsiderate etc etc etc...

    Hypocrisy much? I see that all the time. Women are allowed to do anything they want because it's "their body" ("Look honey, I got a full coverage tattoo of Dwayne Johnson on my right boob, isn't it cute???"), but guys... well, we have to get permission for everything. Yeah. That's complete BS in my book.

    ~Melissa
    ~Linebacker Melissa

  18. #18
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    You had to know your wife would notice your pierced ears. Hospital emergency or not, there was going to be a scene.

    Next time you do something like this, talk it over with your wife first.

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    melissa the old saying goes,if your wife isnt happy no one is going to be happy. yes i agree its not fair,but would you rather have peace or war?

  20. #20
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    @Linebacker Melissa, the difference is that in our gender binary world, said "butch" haircut is not necessarily seen as crossing gender lines. Many women have short hair and still remain beautiful...women.

    (And besides, where are these women??? This is the second such reference I've read this morning. I certainly don't know any who have done this as a result of some new trend.)

    While piercing of the ears has become more commonplace among guys these days, I'd be delusional to think that doing so as a middle aged working professional wouldn't be met with scorn on many societal levels, for better or worse. Adding to that the fact that my wife knows very well that such a move would be fueled by my gender issues makes this something where advanced discussion is imperative.

    It's about respect in a relationship.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  21. #21
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    I am not going to say that what your wife did was ok, embarrassing you in the hospital. That was not respectful of her. But, you not telling her about you piercing your ears was not respectful to her either. She walked in to see you, generally worried about you and got hit with the piercing thing. She was not prepared. Probably on a quick reaction of anger, you disrespected her leaving her unprepared for a change which she had to deal with publicly so she in turn embarrassed you publicly. 2 wrongs do not make a right. You both need to get back to respecting each other. Especially in public.

  22. #22
    Silver Member Amy Lynn3's Avatar
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    I'm sure this may not set well with some, but I read many stories similar as yours and every time I wonder....I wonder if the way some so's react is not just another attempt to be in control of the spouse.

    If a woman wanted to have her hair cut or ears pierced, does she always ask permission from her husband ? No, so why does the man always need permission ? When I was married and my wife had her body altered and if I said anything, her reply was...it is my body !

    I don't feel the issue here is cding, but it is a matter of respect and consideration of the others feelings. You have a life to live and find happiness in the way you desire and so does she. To cause a scene in public was uncalled for. The next time you have a desire to make a permanent change to your body, tell her first you will be having it done and allow the fallout to happen first, and at home.

  23. #23
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    I guess you really don't get it! Sure, in many relationships one spouse or the other does whatever he or she wants to do without consulting the other. In the total scheme of things my personal observation is the husband is the one who decides what's best for the relationship without consulting his wife. Maybe I have just hung out with the wrong crowd all my life, but, my acquaintances, family and friend seems to talk with their spouses before important decisions are undertaken.

    Quote Originally Posted by Melissa_59 View Post
    I don't get it.

    If a woman butchers her hair off into the Marine Corps Boot Camp look (like so many do these days), the guy is just told "Well it's HER BODY!! She can do WHATEVER she WANTS!!" and husbands/boyfriends/whatevers are just supposed to deal with it.

    But if one of us decides to get our ears pierced without the wife's permission? Oh you evil piece of buffalo chips, you should have ASKED her and discussed it with her first!!! You no good, uncaring, unthinking, inconsiderate etc etc etc...

    Hypocrisy much? I see that all the time. Women are allowed to do anything they want because it's "their body" ("Look honey, I got a full coverage tattoo of Dwayne Johnson on my right boob, isn't it cute???"), but guys... well, we have to get permission for everything. Yeah. That's complete BS in my book.

    ~Melissa
    PS: I haven't seen any women around my area with chopped off United States Mariner Corp haircuts. But, I will admit I only live in a community of US Army and US Air Force personnel, Joint Base Lewis and McChord. I have seen that barber shop commercial tho.

  24. #24
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pamela7 View Post
    2. she has a defined image of what a man is, seemingly based on clothing, but probably also about leadership and power. As you're giving her all the power and responsibility you're not manning-up for her most likely. Unconsciously she probably knew you were a girly-guy before you married, meaning in reality she's also playing the game.
    I agree with your other points, but I want to say that in relationships, it is healthy for BOTH partners to know how to effectively define their boundaries, not just men ("manning-up"). Both men and women can be verbally and emotionally abusive. And by boundaries I mean letting the other partner know what is acceptable and not acceptable in terms of how we are treated.

    Types of verbal abuse: http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/edu.../verbal-abuse/

    How to set boundaries: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-s...et-boundaries/

    Using the methods in link 2 is not always successful, especially years after abusive patterns have been established. The ideal is to begin a relationship with clear-cut rules about how to treat each other with respect. In my case, my ex became so enraged when I finally began to define my boundaries, that I was unable to deal with that level of anger and so we divorced. Looking back, I wonder if the marriage would have been saved had I consistently used the methods in link 2 and allowed the ex a period of time to adjust to the new me, all without having it affect my internal landscape.

    Climbing out of the codependence pit is hard and it requires a lot of adjustment for both partners. Relationship counselors can help, if they are good.
    Reine

  25. #25
    Junior Member JasmeVee's Avatar
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    Yea, pierced ears would be pretty easily spotted, might want to discuss that beforehand. Being belittled in public, having her take them out, and her calling you a freak...sounds like a healthy environment

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