Wife Had Too Much Today!

[Tina_gm]

While I am in no way defending what the wife did, especially the public embarrassment, I think there is a vital point missing here. I do not think it is power, control or hypocrisy. I think this is about a lack of respect on both ends. Christina, YOU KNEW that your wife would not like the idea of you having ear rings. You called her from the ER that you were having chest pains, and wow, you are surprised your wife is not just going to just stay at work? So while she is so worried about you, and takes off from work to be with you, that is just a typical sign of a woman who loves her husband. Granted, what she did next could hardly describe that. A simple we will talk about the ear rings when we get home would have been much better. Then she could have voiced her issues, not embarrass you and make a scene.

Back to you though, what did you really expect? you knew it would not go over well period and then you surprise her, not even discuss ear rings, you just went and did it. I am not saying you needed to ask her permission to wear them. But you definitely should have told her you were going to and at least prepare her for it. You both could really use a kick in the pants for your selfishness and lack of thought or consideration for the other.

[Nadine Spirit]

While I believe that every individual is ultimately in charge of their own bodies and is free to do to themselves whatever they want to, I personally speak to my wife before I commence with those actions to myself. I don't go and ask for her permission, I more inform her of something that I will be doing.

So while I think it was rude of her to berate you like that in public and remove earrings from freshly pierced ears, I think it was rude of you to not inform her beforehand of your intentions.

Oh and just FYI, it is generally considered unwise to remove fresh piercings until they are healed. I have heard (though I am no expert I have been pierced 5 times) that the outer layer can heal over and trap infections inside.

[Erika Lyne]

... I personally speak to my wife before I commence with those actions to myself. I don't go and ask for her permission, I more inform her of something that I will be doing...

So while I think it was rude of her to berate you like that in public and remove earrings from freshly pierced ears, I think it was rude of you to not inform her beforehand of your intentions.

I have to agree with Nadine here. I also pierced my ears and spoke to my wife before doing it. I did "ask" for her approval but she could probably tell that I would have done it whether she gave me it or not. Also, I agree that as far as we can read into this OP and relationship, it seems to have mutual respect issues. Her demeaning you was probably a reaction to all the emotions she was experiencing by her spouse being in the hospital with chest pains and finding him there with something that was probably already discussed and her disapproval already communicated.

At the risk of derailing the OP, I do think a social issue has been touched upon. It is HER body, always. By that I mean it is the wife's choice of what she does to her body and what her husband does to his. My wife had her tubes tied after our second daughter was born, not once was I addressed by her doctors for my thoughts. My wife and I had discussed it at home well before the appointment already and agreed that we were both ok with the proceedure but, I was never asked by the medical staff of my views. Fast forward a few years, I had epididymitis, a testicular infection, and the doctor was going through all possible treatment options. One option was the removal of the epididymis. This would have caused sterility. When he mentioned this treatment he mentioned it to my wife, who was also in the room and asked HER if SHE would be ok if I were sterile! Seriously?!?! It is MY body, NOT hers!!! Also, my wife has gone Marine Crew Cut short. Her choice, I said nothing-- her body, her choice. I'll give her the credit that she is one of the few women I know that was able to pull it off. She did look cute and still feminine at the same time...still, her choice. My choice to grow mine long and I catch grief from her every time I go a year or more between hair cuts. Still, her choice, my body--her choice.

[cheryl reeves]

At the risk of derailing the OP, I do think a social issue has been touched upon. It is HER body, always. By that I mean it is the wife's choice of what she does to her body and what her husband does to his.

thats what alot of married cders forget,her body is hers and your body is hers,you lose that right when you get married...i drive my wife nuts because i hate short hair,and when she cuts it its short as she can get it,which i dislike and she knows it..so if i want to keep it long i go elsewhere and catch hell when i get home for its not the way she wants it,but i do the same to her,but we discuss how short i am going to allow her to cut her hair and she usually gets it cut her way in the end...always remember if your wife isn't happy your life will be a living hell...

[ChristinaK]

Thank you all for your comments. As usual, great advice and analysis.

Stephanie, you are correct. Reading about what other have done on this site has emboldened me and made me feel like I should be accepted for who I am. Uh, I guess not :-)

I did not tell her beforehand because I knew what the answer would be. Sometimes its easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. The majority of you are right though, I should have let her know ahead of time. I had completely forgotten about the earrings and it was my understanding that she was not going to show up as the EKG had already been accomplished and it was normal. So, it was a surprise when she showed up and a bigger surprise when I saw her look!

She did apologize for the display and again, you are all correct in that her emotions were already on red alert when she walked in. It does seem rather humorous and ridiculous that a man is sitting there with pains in his chest coming and going, then gets berated and humiliated in front of those people. I guess my heart was really tested there! Wasn't the smartest thing she's ever done, but then, she is a REAL woman with real woman's emotions.

We did talk for a while about it. Isha and others are again correct in that the changes that I have made, then adding pierced ears, put her over the top with being afraid I was going for a total transition. I re-assured her that I would NEVER want to be a woman full time. I re-assured her that that was intended to be the last change, other than more laser and I already shave everything. She said that in the absence of the other changes, she may have considered pierced ears, but with all the rest it's too much.

She initially said all of it has to go, that's it, if I want to stay married. I explained that if she wants me to wear her clothes again that's fine, because I know I will, it's a part of me forever, I like it and don't want to change. She backed off on throwing it all away as long as she doesn't see it.

So, no earrings. I'll have to get along without them and have my clip ons continue to fall off in restaurants, etc. I feel like she has been pretty good about the other changes and I'll have to be happy with that.

She is who she is and some things she will not ever accept. She really believes gay people can make a conscious choice to be heterosexual. So, naturally she believes we can make the choice to be "real men."

I think that over time she has come to accept me, but it will only go so far.

[Eryn]

The thing that concerns me is that you're in the hospital with chest pain, she rushes to your side, and then immediately begins to berate you about your ears? My cynical side thinks that she was trying to push you over the edge. My forgiving side thinks that she was so relieved to see you at least sitting up that she forgot herself and noticed the first change she saw.

I'm a 57-year-old professional and I wear studs every day. They aren't subtle ones either. The very few times I've been asked about it I say "because I like them." That ends the discussion.

[Stacy L]

She is who she is and some things she will not ever accept. She really believes gay people can make a conscious choice to be heterosexual. So, naturally she believes we can make the choice to be "real men."

Ask her, When in life did she make the conscious choice to be heterosexual rather than gay?

I don't remember ever being given a choice to be a "Real Man" or a Cross Dresser and you probably can't either.

[Sonya]

When I was married my ex wanted to get a nose ring, she mentioned it to me once or twice and I told her that I didn't like nose rings at all but she went and got them anyway. My ex wife was a regular smoker and I hated it but she never gave it up for me. I never asked or told her to change and all of these before she knew about my cross dressing. I got caught and found out and it was either you stop or I leave, without knowing any better and fear of loosing my marriage I promised what I couldn't deliver and the inevitable separation happened anyway. I do accept my faults but what it upsets me is all the good things you did gets forgotten very quickly. Then you hear "I want a manly man" well I hope she finds it...

[Marcelle]

Hi Christina,

I am so glad you had a chance to talk things over with your wife and come to an accord you can both live with. It is a shame about the earrings but if you can live with that decision and it keeps you both happy, then you are doing what you need to do to keep your relationship stable.

Hugs

Isha

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Christina, I'm surprised that that episode didn't cause you to actually have a heart attack.
There's a possibility that she may come around some day like my wife finally did after years of saying NO WAY.

your story is funny in as my very DA/DT actually Pierced my ears three weeks ago the rest of the story
is in the shopping clothing & beauty section back about page 3 (Got my ears pierced~~Cross that off my Bucket list)

[Pat]

It's interesting to me that the thread title is "My wife had too much today" and not "I pushed my wife over the edge today."

[Jaylyn]

Reine
But I do know this: She should have waited until you both got home to have the discussion. And you should have discussed the ear piercing with her first.

I with Reine D on this one and agree you both are at some fault here. I've found a lot of clothes and female things I get are better if I'm full on the asking and talking about them first. I do know wife would not let me pierce my ears. No compromise there.

[Lidea]

It's interesting to me that the thread title is "My wife had too much today" and not "I pushed my wife over the edge today."

That is exactly what I thought....
It is one of the most common things for a crossdresser to do..... push the boundaries, knowing all the way that she would not approve, and then manage to look truly dumb struck at the reaction of the wife.
Maybe I am a terrible wife, but my husband knows I would react in the exact same manner.

[cheryl reeves]

i asked my wife this question,why are wives allowed to do what they want and us men have to ask permission for everything. her reply was its her body and your body belongs to her til one of you die. told her this was confusing to me,she said if you want a happy marriage you let her lead to a point,when you reach said point thats when you discuss the issue. kinda like if your wife got a tatoo without asking thats alright,but if you did the same its not alright,i know its a double standard,but what are you going to do,its either divorce,or staying married. you may be the breadwinner but she is the boss

[Tina_gm]

Lidea, many men have earings and long hair. If they are not cders most women likely view it as a personal preference and while it may not be one they prefer, it is typically not a deal breaker. When the earrings and long hair are cd related as to the reason for the preferences, it Changes things drastically. It is not so much the earrings but of why the earrings. I do agree too though that if there is a physical change it should be discussed out of pure respect for their partner. I believe if at least there is respect given, the feeling of pushing may not be so strong or overwhelming.

[Jenniferathome]

... I did not tell her beforehand because I knew what the answer would be. ...

This is a doomed strategy for anyone in any relationship over any issue.

[Nadine Spirit]

kinda like if your wife got a tatoo without asking thats alright,but if you did the same its not alright,i know its a double standard,but what are you going to do,its either divorce,or staying married. you may be the breadwinner but she is the boss

Interesting that you should mention the tattoo thing as that is the exact example my wife used as being an absurd thing to do without discussing it with your spouse.

And I do not believe in this whole double standard thing. Courtesy is courtesy. If you are a man or a woman and you disrespect your marriage in that manner, it is rude, period. Again, I think each of us is in charge of our own bodies and are free to do whatever each of us personally wants to do to it, but it is respectful and courteous of you to discuss it with the person you have chosen to live your life with, BEFORE, you do something, regardless of your gender. And anyone, of any gender, who thinks they should be in charge of their partners bodies is ludicrous and extremely selfish.

[cheryl reeves]

nadine in almost any marriage there is a double standard,she does what she wants,when she wants,but when hubby decides to do the same war breaks out..i read a article yrs. ago where a unfaithful wife was upset that her hubby started to do the same,she said that was wrong of him. when asked about her unfaithfulness,she felt it was in her rights to keep sleeping around on hubby,the marriage broke up.

[Lidea]

Cheryl, I must say, that is totally unacceptable. You will find those kind of double standards in any gender, and they are absurd.

I don't believe in the double standard thing. If my hudband would want to do something like grow his beard or shave his hair, because he wants to, he doesn't need permission, but if he does something like that, especially something more permanent like piercings, with cd as his motivation for it, then the discussion is necessary.

If I were to cut my hair because I feel it is time, then I can do it. But if I were to be a F2M, and that would be my reason for cutting my hair, the discussion is needed...

[cheryl reeves]

i agree double standards are wrong. but whats the big deal about ear piercings anyway? this is where the double standard sits in,its alright if your not a cd/tg,but its wrong if you are a cd/tg.see what i mean,if i want to grow my hair its alright as long as im not a cd/tg,but wrong if i am. tell me im wrong and i will show where im right

[Nadine Spirit]

There is undoubtedly double standards with some people, but that does not mean it is universal.

My wife and I both discussed ear piercings and we both agreed that if either of us went and got one without telling each other about it before hand we would both feel weird about it. In other words, neither of us would do that. Thus with us it has nothing to do with being TG or not, it has to do with courtesy and respect. Therefore, if there is at least some people who do not follow the double standard, then it proves that it is not universal.

[Jill Devine]

What your wife did was tactless and plain nasty. And considering the context and place - devoid of caring or concern. Apparently the earrings were more of an issue than a serious health problem.

I'm sorry but I don't not agree with a lot of people of this thread condoning her approach because she got a fright due to the health scare.

[Beverley Sims]

I see faults on both sides here , but, berating you in front of every body is not on.