Helping a SO understand

[Taielyn]

Hi everybody, I'll apologize for two things right off the bat 1. This is going to be a novel of a post, and 2. I'm trying very hard to be open minded, and that is very very difficult for me as I wasn't raised in an open-minded family. I apologize in advance if I offend anybody by submitting to stereotypes or unintentionally.

Here's a little background: I've been with my fiancé for nearly 4 years. We met in college and I knew only a short while into it that I wanted to be with him as long as the universe would let me. When he graduated he got a job a state away and eventually moved me up with him. A little over 2 years ago I was packing to go back down to Oregon where we are from for my Mom's wedding, and I found a huge bag full of women's clothing. I was very confused, upset, and frankly scared. This person I had been living with and had discussed marrying was suddenly completely foreign to me. I tried to make up excuses for why he had all these clothes in our closet, thinking it was stuff he had held on to from a previous relationship. But couldn't get over the breast implants and the fact that all his stuff was nicer than my stuff. I left that night (a day early) and was very hesitant to return. We talked a bit while I was away and he told me he never realized it could hurt someone the way it hurt me, and that he wanted to stop. I came home, and I insisted he go see a counselor to get to the bottom of why he dresses. All he could tell me was that it helps relieve stress, and I was (still kind of am) convinced there is a deeper reason. He went to see the counselor for nearly 2 months and then told me he didn't need to go anymore.

A little over a year passed, we got engaged, bought a house and started planning our wedding. I walked out to grab the mail one day and there was a filer from Soma, a store I have never shopped at (I like VS), with his name on it and a customer number. I asked him about it, and he said he had no idea how they got his name. I didn't buy it, so I went on to their customer service page and started a live chat. I gave them all his information and they told me when the last purchase was. He had been dressing again for 5 months and even though I have been asking he hadn't told me he was having problems.

At this point I had it out with myself that if this is something he needed to do I would find a way to be alright with it. I wasn't sure how I would explain that (heaven forbid I had to) to my future kids, but I would learn to accept that if he needed "sparkle time" I could leave and find something to do so long as he talked to me about it. I climbed into the attic that night (which according to him the attic isn't part of the house, so it was never actually in my house) and pulled down approximately $500.00 worth of clothes, again - much nicer stuff than I have ever had. (I get my VS bras during the semi annual sale and consider it a treat).

I have up hope that a 1 on 1 counselor would help, and he agreed that we need to go to couples counseling. This was right about the time that I was getting ready, and actually just had, quit a job with a very hostile work environment that resulted in a very bad impact on our relationship, which I still think has to do with this "relapse".

We were doing better than ever, I agreed to continue on with the wedding, and we were beginning to talk more about difficult topics like the dressing, we also started doing more things together. He would help with some of the crafty things I had to do for the wedding, and I took up cycling and bowling which are both things he likes to do.

Fast forward to last Sunday - Easter. We went over to Panera to have breakfast (a treat because we are both on a diet) and when I got back in the car I saw a reciept from Macy's on the floor. I figured it was one of mine because we had bought some shirts and such for the wedding just a week before. When I looked closer at the reciept it was time stamped for a time that I was at work. I asked him what is was, he got defensive and finally fessed up that he had gone shopping again. Once again it was in the attic. I Had him bring it down and show me. I asked again if he needed to do this and that I could accept it if he did. He assured me that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't know how to stop. We padlocked the attic shut, and I have the keys on my person at all times.

Now to the last part of this story. I was looking up a video on YouTube using his phone. And in his previous searches had searched for "how to make Breast implants" or something along those lines. I was planning to ask but not let it bother me because I knew he had been dressing. There was one other search "27 m to f" that one bothered me. Because all the related videos are trans(?) (forgive me, I'm not sure what the proper term is, I think it's transgender though?). I know I have a double standard here because I can accept men who are becoming women (despite not understanding) however I know I couldn't marry a man who was wanting to become a woman. I lost it, I was more confused than I ever had been. He said he had been looking as sites like these and was looking into it because he wasn't sure where he fit in, what his title is, and why he does this.

He has been dressing since he was about 16. He says he is certain that he likes being a guy and being with girls. I want to believe him so badly. I know he wouldn't hurt me intentionally. I just feel like I can't get out of this wedding if I wanted to. Part of me does want to leave on the basis that he can't seem to be honest and talk openly with me. But the other, much larger part of me loves this man to death and only wants to see him be the best he can be whether or not that means dressing. One of the friends I have that knows swears he's going to come home one day with his boyfriend, however my roommate in college (who happens to be lesbian, and I love that girl to death) doesn't think that is the case and thinks it's a manifestation of his inability to express his femininity in the outside world. I honestly think he straight, and this is a way to relieve stress, not to mention the thrill of being "bad" and going against society's standards.

I'm sorry this has been so long. I just don't know what to do to help, he wants to stop and I'm more than alright with that, he knows I would support his choices should he decide he wants to continue to dress. I figured this would be a good place to turn for some support, I don't have any friends that dress, and the one person I knew that did is gay - which doesn't help my fears.

Thanks for your help, and sorry it's so long.
Taielyn

[cheryl reeves]

taielyn,hate to be bearer of bad news but he isnt going to stop,he will find somewhere else to do it. if you came here for advice on helping him quit,you came to the wrong place..the reason your fiance' has difficulty talking to you its because of shame,been through that with my wife. now if yqou want to understand your fiance',you came to the right place. men have oroblems talking about the desire to dress as women,that is fact. want to surprise your fiance'? go to the attic find one of his nice female outfits with the works,lay it out for him and tell him you want to meet the other woma and go from their. our son knows about my dressing and has no prob with it. this will always be the pink flamingo in the rm. force him to quit and he will wind up resenting you..like the old saying goesw you need to evaluate your relationship now and not 11-20 yrs from now when the marriage is destroyed from lack of honesty..sorry to sound so crud...

[Shaedow]

Hi Taielyn, as another GG SO, I feel ur pain. I was just as confused, hurt, & upset as u are when my SO first came out to me. He pushed too hard within the first wk after telling me, & I lost it. I seriously considered where our relationship was headed & if we even had one. We were able to start communicating, at my pace, as I could process the information & get it sorted out in my head.

It sounds like u are well on ur way to good communication, although perhaps he is not talking as much as u would like him to. I tried asking the "why" question myself, & the only answer I got was "to relieve stress" (of being a male & having the huge responsibilities that go along with that) & "getting in touch with" his "feminine side." I think why may be the wrong question to ask; from what I have seen & read on this site, most of the CDers don't know why themselves; it is just something they are driven to do.

I also worried about how far my SO would take his CDing, as I knew I could not live with him as a woman. He assured me that he would never want to be a woman full-time; he enjoys being a male too much; and that he would stop dressing if I wanted him to. I cannot do that to him tho. I love him too much to ask him to give up an integral part of himself; even at the potential expense of my own happiness & comfort.

I understand also how u feel about him having nicer things than u do. My SO has not only nicer clothes than I really ever had, but he has more of them. I have exactly 2 pairs of heels with me; he has close to a dozen. I have one dress & a coupla of skirts with me; he has mini skirts & long dresses. When he started buying even more dresses for himself, my first reactions were where did he think he was going to wear all these dresses & why wasn't he considering my lack of clothes to dress up & go out? And yes, we have been out together with him fully dressed; skirt & blouse, hose, heels, & make up. The first time was to a movie & I was uncomfortable, thinking everyone was looking at me with him. The second time was to dinner. I felt more comfortable that time. It seemed like one girl looked at him, okay stared, but I think that had more to do with a botched makeup job that evening. We plan more trips out together, as finances allow, & I believe it will become easier for both of us the more we go out.

I am truly sorry that ur SO has seemed to feel it necessary to hide things from u. My SO didn't tell me until after we had known each other approx. 3 yrs (2 online & 1 actually living together). I felt upset that he hadn't told me sooner, so that I had the opportunity to process & decide if it was something I could live with BEFORE I picked up myself & my cat & came to Texas from Maine to be with him.

As u will probably hear from others, communication is the most vital in any relationship but esp. in the relationship between a GG & a CDer. I am lucky that we have been able to talk thru everything & come to terms with each other & our thoughts & feelings. I hope the same for u.

I hope this has been helpful to u. When u have gotten ur first 10 posts & are able to use PM feature, please feel free to msg me & we can discuss our mutual experiences.

Take care of urself,

Shaedow
GG

[AllieSF]

Sorry to hear about your issues. First, it sounds like you are trying real hard to understand and that is a definite plus in a deepening relationship when this side of life is included. I personally recommend that you postpone the wedding date before it really is too late. There are a million reasons you can use to explain to others, but going forward right now does not appear to me to be a good idea. I would also suggest that both of you go to counseling with a good gender experienced therapist to better understand what is happening and what may happen in the future regarding your fiancé's desires, urges and needs regarding his crossdressing. With both of you there, you get to hear and participate in both sides of the conversation and can ask all the questions that you can think of when there. I would guess that he knows that whatever is going on with himself will not go away and may or may not be deeper than what it appears to be. But, as many will probably say here, he is also just trying to understand himself too, which is definitely not easy, nor a simply black or white issue. There are many varying and confusing shades of gray mixed in too, and not necessarily the recent popular "50 Shades of Gray".

I wish you the best of luck. He sounds like a good person that may just need time to sort out who and what he is and how to fit this side of himself into his complete life with you.

[Taielyn]

I know he may never quit. I can accept that he dresses so long as he communicates with me.

I don't want to force him to quit, I know that won't work. However if he wants to quit I don't want to force him to keep dressing. He's very secretive and embarrassed by it.

I also know that right now I don't want to participate. If he came to me and told me he didn't want to stop I would try to accept it more and would try to get to the point that I could participate, but now isn't that time.

Thank you!! I have felt very alone. And I am so glad to hear of other couples that are functional.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Taielyn

Welcome to the forum, Why not post a thread in the introduction section.

I am sure a lot of the guilt he feels is due to not telling you. We can be very good at keeping secrets as most of us thought at one time this would go away. That would have solved the problem of secrets, but sadly it not to be. Can some give up cross dressing yes I am sure they can but we don't here too many success stories hear about that. The good news is there are many happily married couples here who have been happy for a very long time.

There are lots of answers here. We have members here all over the transgender spectrum. Only your fiancé will know exactly where he fits.
I wish you both the best of luck.

[Dana44]

Taielyn, I am a CD'r and one thing I will say is that He is not necessarily gay. In a heterosexual relationship. MY SO is the most important to keep happy as I love her. It is so nice to have the support of your mate and I think love goes a little deeper than a typical relationship as it refreshes things more. She has posted here and I thought I would say something from a CD point of view. Communication is the most important thing. You have more command over him than you typically would and if he loves you he will accept your boundaries and what you expect in that relationship. Many of us has had to go through almost a lifetime until we just had to do it.

[Kate Simmons]

I could never get my wife to talk about it and she eventually left. You are willing to talk to him about it but like most of us guys he is reluctant, partly because he probably feels he shames his manhood and he will end up disappointing you.He has to find out it's okay to be in touch will all of his feelings and not be ashamed or afraid.That doesn't make him any less of a man. The key is communication. As long as you are willing to communicate, I think you only need to convince him of that. My GF and I talk about everything, including when I dress and go to the local club dancing. She even goes with me sometimes and it's great.One thing I have learned is that you cannot over communicate and if you truly love a person, you are always learning something new about them. That is the real life adventure, caring and sharing and no one feels alone or sad. Keep us posted on how things go Hon.

[Lorileah]

let me address the amount of clothing question because I have that issue myself. It isn't that he is getting clothes to go "out" he is getting clothes to placate himself. A kind of soothing to help him feel good about the feminine side of himself. I have enough dresses to wear a different one almost every day for a year. Some I have worn once. But I still buy. It isn't to be prettier than someone else, it is sort like hoarding. I need them...OK I don't need them but I NEED them

About being out with him. In my case it was opposite. I felt everyone staring at me. My GF took it in stride and owned it. But time made things easier and it wasn't long before I still noticed the double takes and stares but now I just smile and move on. When you get comfortable less will notice.

And hang onto each other. There is nothing in the world more important than sharing and supporting each other through this. If something should happen to make this go away and eithr of you are alone, you can see how much the other really meant to you.

Welcome

[Rachelakld]

Sorry to hear.
1) He can't stop, it screws our emotions in a bad way, makes us volatile and will break the relationship.
2) He must hide it from the one he loves, otherwise you will think him not manly, and he doesn't want you to think that (It's all about his internal image and what society has taught him is "correct" for his physical gender).

3) In life, everyone changes, our paths diverge or grow stronger and the future is never garrenteed to give anyone "their happy ever after" except in Disney movies.

My wife and 4 daughters have been very supportive, although wife will not go out with Rachel, as is her right, the kids have learned different behaviour, and only care about good vrs bad, not gender.

I do recommend you shop for his/her clothes together, otherwise you could find some financial difficulties ahead, eg $500 dress, vrs $200 dress and pay the electricity bill.

I did make my own breast forms, I enjoyed using resins etc from my Sci-Fi make up shop, but did badly burn my hand, so recommend he buys a cheap set to start with.

I've just turned 50, once I reach 60, my goal will be to take steroids and do serious body building, think my wife will object due to what it does to the heart, and the worry that younger girls might like my abs, so maybe I'll wait until I'm 70.

So my thoughts going forward, have a girls night (at home or out with her, to help change his/her body image issues) and remember "life is like a box of chocolates"

[Taielyn]

Thank you guys for your support, and your insight. I could not ever see him leaving the house dressed, unless it's like a pair of panties under his normal clothes. He's been doing this on and off for 10 years, and is very very aware of what people say and how they act. By nature he is not a very talkative person, I actually didn't even know he was interested in me until the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. I don't know if I would be opposed to going out into public with him, once I get comfortable seeing him dressed. i mentioned dressing with me in the house with him at lunch a few minutes ago, he shut the idea down completely. Telling me he didn't want to do it anymore and that he was taking what he bought last week to goodwill.

Am I wrong for supporting him in quitting? Even though I've told him I'll support him if he dresses?

[Dianne S]

I could not ever see him leaving the house dressed

Never say never...

I would say if you are having a hard time handling this, do not get married.

Relationship red-flags very rarely improve with time. Think very seriously about whether or not you can handle his need to CD.

[Taielyn]

I know I can handle the dressing. I also know with time I could grow to accept it more, and become comfortable with other things so long as it happens at my own pace. He hasn't lied to me about anything else, just this. That's my problem. I've proven to myself and to him that I can accept it, he's just so scared to talk about it that he simply won't. That's my concern with the whole thing, which, in my heart, I know can get better if we both try.

[TinaZ]

Hi Taielyn:

You sound like an amazing, caring, and patient person. He's very fortunate to have you as a partner.

You've already received some good advice, so I'll keep my remarks brief.

The good news - your fiance is still the same person. Those qualities that made you fall in love are genuinely him. You've discovered the hard way that there's more to him, but the core of who he is hasn't changed.

The real news - he is transgender. Meaning, part of him identifies strongly female and the dressing is his way to connect to that part. This will ebb and flow, but it will never change, no matter how many padlocks are used.

The bad news - he's being a butt in his handling of this. Lots of people around here would be thrilled if their partners were half as willing as you to understand this. I'm no counselor, but my opinion is he NEEDS to be honest and upfront. It's possible to merge this into a normal life, but it won't happen if he keeps hiding.

Couple of other points - don't worry about his browser history. Transgender issues are huge and no matter where he is on the spectrum, he'll be curious about things ahead of him and behind him. Don't worry about his sexuality. Most cross dressers are straight. Finally, even when you're at your wit's end with this stuff, please keep in mind that he likely grew up in a culture where being called a girl was the nuclear weapon of insults. It's stupid and childish, but during our developmental years, nothing could be worse than being seen as feminine. That stigma is hard to overcome, which is why we have such a difficult time being honest about this stuff - even with people who deserve that honesty.

Good luck!

P.S. - Just saw your post about Goodwill. Do him and yourself a favor - if he must "purge" his things, take it to storage. We all regret the stuff we've given away.

[cheryl reeves]

if you want to confront this,then it sounds like you may need to take the first step.

[Kate Simmons]

Personally, I've found the best way to address inner "demons" is to confront them directly. The other thing is that by accepting his feelings, it's puts him more in control than the process of CDing. The only real way to "beat" it I've found is to make it a conscious choice of whether to do or not rather than let it remain a compulsion.

[Welshgirl]

Hi Taielyn,

I am married to a CDer, who has recently gone from wearing panties under his clothes occasionally to being full time in ladies' clothes (apart from the very few times when he really can't). I had a different experience to yours, in that Pamela (my SO) went through his process of discovering that he was a cross dresser with me alongside him every step of the way. I was with him when he was buying his first femme clothes in the shops, and I was the one who paid for them; I was the one who went with him to buy his first ladies' shoes, his first wig, his first makeup; I was the one who took him to get a makeover so that he could find the right shade of foundation.

I really do appreciate that finding out by surprise must be a huge shock, and it is a massive learning curve for both parties. The difference is, he has had a long time to get used to the idea, and you didn't have that luxury.

A little over 2 years ago I was packing to go back down to Oregon where we are from for my Mom's wedding, and I found a huge bag full of women's clothing. I was very confused, upset, and frankly scared. This person I had been living with and had discussed marrying was suddenly completely foreign to me.

He was still just the same guy, and all the sides to him that you knew were the same - he just had an added dimension that you didn't know about.

I insisted he go see a counselor to get to the bottom of why he dresses. All he could tell me was that it helps relieve stress, and I was (still kind of am) convinced there is a deeper reason.

If you read some of the back threads on this site, you will find that this is the reason why a great many men dress. Pamela tells me that he is happier, more relaxed, less angry, less aggressive and much more emotionally sensitive now that he has let his feminine side in too. There may be other reasons, but if that is the one that he has given you then I would believe it to be the truth because if he has noticed it enough to comment on it, then it is really happening for him.

He had been dressing again for 5 months and even though I have been asking he hadn't told me he was having problems.

Why do you assume that him dressing again equates to him having problems? He may not be able to resist the urge to experience the calmness and relaxation that it brings. For Pamela, it is an urge, a compulsion even, but one that is of great benefit to him and to the way he relates to (and interacts with) the rest of the world. It is a shame that he found it necessary to hide it from you, but if he couldn't cope with negative reactions to it (whether in the past, or yours, or in his imagination or fears) then perhaps that was why he did it. It may have been something that he has hidden for the whole time so far, and that may be how he is used to it being.

At this point I had it out with myself that if this is something he needed to do I would find a way to be alright with it.

There is plenty of support for you too, both on the forum and in the form of counselling for you on your own or as a couple. It is definitely something that cross dressers need to do, and I have my doubts that this will ever change. Rather than just being alright with it, how about finding a way of embracing all aspects of your partner? It is a part of him, and has been for a long time.

I wasn't sure how I would explain that (heaven forbid I had to) to my future kids

We have five children, all late teens/early twenties. They all know about their dad, and are uniformly not at all bothered. Their reactions ranged from 'cool' to 'whatever makes him happy'. If your kids were brought up with it as normal, there would be no need for you to tell them. If you waited to tell them, and insisted that he hide it from them until you were ready to tell them, they would pick up on any disquiet that you have with it, and you would be perpetuating your family pattern of not being open-minded. There are plenty of families which are outside the range of what society deems 'normal' - do you think that if he was in a wheelchair you would hide it from the children until they were old enough for you to have to tell them? That would just make them less understanding of diversity and less accepting of difference when they encounter it.

approximately $500.00 worth of clothes, again - much nicer stuff than I have ever had. (I get my VS bras during the semi annual sale and consider it a treat).

Pamela spent £2000 in a month on his new wardrobe. I don't think I have spent that much on myself in five years. I know what you mean!

I asked again if he needed to do this and that I could accept it if he did. He assured me that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't know how to stop. We padlocked the attic shut, and I have the keys on my person at all times.

He may never find a way to stop. Him feeling guilty about it is not going to help anyone, and may make him less happy all round than if he felt accepted. I'm sorry, but I can't believe that you have padlocked all his stuff away from him. It won't make him stop - if he wants to dress, he will just go out and buy more things when he can't resist any longer, and then he will almost certainly come to resent you for trying to stop him.

I know I have a double standard here because I can accept men who are becoming women (despite not understanding) however I know I couldn't marry a man who was wanting to become a woman. I lost it, I was more confused than I ever had been. He said he had been looking as sites like these and was looking into it because he wasn't sure where he fit in, what his title is, and why he does this.

Fair enough on both parts - if you get married it is usually because you see a future ahead of you that includes children and family, not necessarily losing that option to him transitioning. For him, he needs to spend some time with a proper gender-specialist counsellor to sort out what he wants. That is not something that he can rush, and if he doesn't accept where he is now then he will need to find out somehow.

He says he is certain that he likes being a guy and being with girls. I want to believe him so badly.

I would believe him. There are enough posts on this forum that give all sides of this, and guys seem to know from early on whether they are hetero, bi or gay. Cross dressing does not automatically mean 'gay'. Quite the opposite - gay guys are men who like other men, they are not generally men who like other men who are dressing up as women. They are attracted to men, not women. As far as I understand it, cross dressing is a way of allowing men to express their feminine side, which society denies to them from an early age. The vast majority of CDers on this site are firmly hetero.

Please don't let your fears hold you back from having a full and loving relationship with your partner. There is nothing 'wrong' with him, and the sad truth is that the more you try and make him out to be doing something shameful or disgusting, the more he will hide it from you and the less trusting and loving your relationship will be. He is who he is, and you may as well ask him to stop having blue eyes as ask him to stop dressing.

[Dianne S]

That's my concern with the whole thing, which, in my heart, I know can get better if we both try.

I hope you're right; that's very encouraging. I don't mean to sound negative, but I would postpone the wedding so you can see if things happen "at your own pace". Trust me, ending a long relationship is far, far worse than pausing one that's just beginning.

And I'm not giving you this advice because I think there's something wrong with crossdressing... obviously I do not! But I recognize that partners of crossdressers sometimes can't handle it and there's nothing wrong with that either.

[Cheryl T]

I have to use the phrase ... "Been there, done that".
I've walked in his shoes all my life and from my perspective YES, he may want to stop. YES, he may feel guilt and shame for doing it because it's just not what's expected of men. YES, he's probably afraid to admit that he enjoys this because he's afraid it will hurt you.
Just keep in mind that he has been involved in this since BEFORE he met you. YOU are NOT the reason in any way, shape or form. You mentioned he had nicer things than you. This is NOT a competition ! He's NOT trying to replace or supplement you in any way. This is NOT about YOU !! It's totally about him. My wife went through the same situation. She took a long time to understand. She thought it was her fault...it wasn't. She thought she was not fulfilling my needs...couldn't be farther from the truth.
What the truth is begins long before I met her or you met him. He said he began dressing at 16. Probably out of curiosity and found something releasing, enjoyable, comfortable. Why any of us begin this journey NO ONE KNOWS !! The truth is that many if not most of us are ashamed to admit it to the one we love the most because we are desperately afraid of losing them. Sure, you can say that won't happen, but that doesn't change the nagging thought in the back of our minds that One Day...things will change and you will leave.
Personally, I was previously engaged to a fabulous woman. I decided to come clean as I had never lied to her about anything and I wanted ours to be a clean start together. Her words, as she handed back the engagement ring were, "I want a man, not a Freak !". Fast forward to current wife and ask me why I didn't tell her before we married. I'll give you 3 guesses and the first two don't count.

It's our inner fear, fear of losing you, fear of appearing "less a man" in your eyes that keeps so many of us from admitting how much a part of us this really is. It's not about sex, it's not that we're Gay. It's because that becomes the first thought on everyone's mind.
I personally believe that we are born with something genetic that predisposes us to express our inner femininity in an outward way. Some of us more than others and they are our TS sisters. Some of us less and they prefer single articles of clothing and are considered Fetishists. We are all the same to varying degrees, but we are all different in how we choose to express this inner woman.

Fast forward...
My wife is now fully supportive. I can dress however and whenever I wish and I do. I am no longer shy about being in my lingerie around her or doing my makeup as she watches. That took time for me as I had hid for so many years. That closet is a dark and lonely place and stepping into the light can be a frightening thing.
We go out frequently as girl friends. She goes everywhere with me. I share everything with her and we have grown so much closer because of this being a part of us. I help her with clothing suggestions and makeup tips (I wear more than she does obviously) and we share clothes as we are near in size. I can look at a mannequin and say to her, "I wish that came in my size" and have her say "your boobs are too big for that top" and we laugh, sharing that joke in public.

The one thing that allowed us to work through this is COMMUNICATION. No judgment involved, just open, honest communication. It won't come in an hour, it may not come in a month, but if you ask questions with curiosity and LOVE and accept his answers without criticism you can find common ground. You sound like you have a deep love that you share. Let that be your guide.
Just remember...it's not about you....it's about him.

Sorry everyone for the podium speech. Just was too close to home to be shorter.

[Taielyn]

Why do you assume that him dressing again equates to him having problems?

He had told me he was quitting, I meant that he was having problems stopping.

Rather than just being alright with it, how about finding a way of embracing all aspects of your partner? It is a part of him, and has been for a long time.

I'm willing to try, I just need to embrace it on my own time. He hasn't expressed to me (with the exception of just doing it) the desire to keep dressing. I'm torn between supporting him in stopping, as he says he wants to now, and supporting him in continuing dressing. I've tried to walk the fine line between both, explaining to him that I can accept and support him and also trying to give him suggestions to channel his stress relief to other places (like working out, riding his bike, things like that).

I'm sorry, but I can't believe that you have padlocked all his stuff away from him.

The bag of clothes is next to my dresser currently. I wouldn't lock his stuff away from him, that's cruel. I locked it so I knew he couldn't hide it there anymore. We talked about it prior to installing the locks, he was alright with it. My attic isn't finished, so he balances on beams if he's up there. He's a 6 ft 2, big-boned guy, and he hides it on the other side of some venting, if he falls up there he could get really hurt, and destroy some rather important ductwork.

[Pat]

You're getting great advice I'll add a few things:

First, reassurances -- the majority of crossdressers are straight. The majority of men who crossdress report that they have no desire to become a woman (that is, they ARE transgender, but they are NOT Transsexual.) From what I see in the forum, most are ecstatic to have their SO involved once they get their own head straight about what's going on for them.

There's an education issue that has to be dealt with. Our society has only recently become (somewhat) understanding of transgender people. Part of that means we don't know a lot about them. Which means he never learned about how to be a crossdresser from his family or at school. He's had to learn as he goes. YOU also have never learned about how crossdressers act or what a long life with a crossdressing partner will look like. The thing that is changing is you can find places like this where information is exchanged. He can too. There are also books available on Amazon or elsewhere that cover the topic that you can both read. Between the two you can find out what to expect, answer some questions, get tips and advice. Take advantage of that and make sure he does too. Figuring it all out without help is a sure way to fail.

You two might want to find places where he can express himself out in the open. Trans friendly bars, vacation resorts, etc. He may not want to go outside now, but everything i've seen indicates that crossdressers are happiest when they can take their persona into the daylight.

Another thing I'd say is don't worry about explaining this to the kids. They'll probably explain it to you. The current generation is getting exposure to gender issues and are very tolerant. It shocks me sometimes how cool they are about it.

The only way this can become a disaster is if you guys don't talk about it. It sounds like you're doing that and he's not. You have to get him talking and sharing with you. He probably is afraid that no matter what you say, you'll see him as less of a man if you're in touch with his crossdressing. The only way to convince him otherwise is to engage him on it. If you're OK with it ask him about fashions ("would you wear that?" "Wow look at that... imagine how it feels.") help him with his makeup and teach him how to select outfits that would work on the street. Take him out (dressed) for drives at night, absolutely insist he dress for Halloween, etc.

It's a little unfair and I'm aware that I'm suggesting you do a lot of work. Hopefully it will ease up if you can get him out of his shell. The shell is made up of fear, self-loathing and misery and he really needs your help to get out of it. And there's a very important part of him in there.

I think you're one of the coolest people I've run into for wanting to understand and for sticking by him through repeated incidents. Kudos to you.

[RADER]

Hi Taielyn:
My wife to be found out about my dressing on our second date.
She under stood that I liked to wear womans clothes.
After we where married, we set up some simple rules;
never embarrass her by going out dressed; Only dress around
the house, and under dress as so nobody See's or can tell.
And lastly do not shave the abundance of chest hair I have
because she loved to run her fingers through it.
Maybe the two of you could strike up some deal that works for you.
Rader

[Nyla F]

Hi Taielyn!

Congratulations on making such a bold move and reaching out for help! You are certainly making an effort to understand your fiancé's crossdressing. On the other hand, from what you have told us about your fiancé it seems he has a long way to go to understand and accept himself. That feeling of guilt, trying to quit but not being able to, it makes it difficult to understand one's self because instead of exploring your feelings you end up supressing them. I wouldn't be surprised if your fiancé isn't able to answer many of your questions because he is denying this part of himself. Communication is going to be difficult.

I think it would be a good idea to postpone the wedding until he can accept himself, get rid of the guilt, and better understand and communicate what he needs. At the same time you can try to understand your own feelings about the crossdressing and what you are comfortable with. Then you can decide if this is something you can live with and whether or not your needs can be met.

I've been in that place of guilt, shame, and denial, and tried to quit many times. It was personal counseling and couples counseling that really started the process of me healing myself and then me and my wife healing our marriage. The counseling didn't "fix" me or my wife. I still crossdress, and she still doesn't want to have anything to do with it. But we are now fulfilling each others needs better and communicate better. I feel I can now balance my need to crossdress with the other parts of my life.

So please continue with the counseling.

Nyla

[Alice_2014_B]

For starters it is really good that you have been supportive of him and his cross-dressing. It is much easier, and fun, when one’s significant other supports dressing up, even more so to participate. Just to give him the room and time, even if you do not participate in shopping and clothing/makeup tips for example, would mean a lot.
Anything beyond cross-dressing, such transitioning, I have no experience or advice on; however, plenty on the forum here do.

[~Joanne~]

Welshgirl has a very strong head on her shoulders and I agree with pretty much everything she said. This never goes away Taielyn that's the most important thing you have to understand. Doesn't matter how many counselor's you "insist" that he go see, it's going to come back time and time again. This isn't something we can turn on or off, if that was the case a lot of us would have turned it off a long time ago.

You are actually one of the luckier ones in the fact that you know about this before you got married. A lot of SO's didn't have that knowledge and it breaks the marriage almost every time. I say almost because there are exceptions to every rule. Just so you know, it's not unnatural for a CD to do a bunch of searches in the quest for answers or to see where this road is heading for them on a personal level. I know I did a LOT of searching, what you find is very little other than porn. That doesn't mean he watched it. I think jumping to conclusions is your main problem right now especially when you have a friend saying stupid crap like "until he comes home with his boyfriend". I have real news for you, most of us are hetro.

The thing I found the most disturbing of everything you typed was that Soma gave you private and confidential information over a chat, freely and without any proof of who they were talking to. Either they do nothing to protect their customers, or you lied yourself and pretended to be him to get private information. This alone could be a reason as to why he doesn't share with you. You invaded his privacy, after all, your not a Mrs. yet. I am wondering how you would feel if he did the same?

I do wish you both the best of luck though, this road will be a rough one that you may or may not want to travel together. If given the amount of time to rebuild the trust, it can work out as you do seem to want to try to understand, but you also have to give some space too. We hear it alot around here that a SO should be given the time to read, understand, and adjust but so do we, after all, this isn't a secret we run around telling everyone. If you give him the space, I am sure he'll come around to sharing more with you.