Helping a SO understand

[docrobbysherry]

I have good news and bad news Taielyn. Let me give u the bad news first:

No one here can give u the proper advice. Because no one here knows what "stages" your SO will go thru next. Much less what he'll be like in 5 or 10 years.

Your problem(s) r not because he dresses. They're mainly that u r trying to make grown up decisions before either of u have fully matured. I warned my daughter NOT to get married at 24. Now, she's separated at 28 with 2 kids. Seems she found out her SO is a stick in the mud and she didn't realize how much fun partying was until they split up!

The good news is:
U r NOT separated with 2 kids at age 28 yet! Pull the plug on your seemingly rushed marriage. Give him the time to find out who he is and what he wants. And, u the time to figure out if you're really ready to saddle that horse!

[char GG]

Welcome Taielyn,
It seems that you are being a very supportive SO. It is bothersome that he doesn't seem to be open and honest with you.

Others on this site have suggested postponing your wedding. That seems to be a great idea. Your SO already seems to be hiding things including his feelings. Until he can properly communicate with you, it may be wise to step back.

Consider yourself lucky that you are working on these things prior to marriage.

I wish you both all of the luck in the world.

[MissTee]

Hey Taielyn and welcome to the forum.

You've shared an all too common story. You are struggling to understand, and he is struggling to accept himself and his need. I do think you should set the wedding aside until you work these things out, or decide it's not for you.

It can work and there are many experiences here that demonstrate that. My wife and I have been together for 40 years and she is supportive. I like being a man, don't want to transition, don't want to go out, and am completely content being able to dress with the wife and stay inside. I'm completely hetero, too. That said, it took a long time for me to be OK with dressing and not to feel like a gender criminal because of my need to dress.

Good luck!

[Di]

Hi another GG here.
I think he is ashamed and has hid it for years and when he says he wants to quit he means it.BUT only because he is ashamed , embarrased and wants to make you happy does he say this.....in his mind he means it.
All these years here no one I know of has every quit forever, sometimes yrs or months but it really is just a part of them and thats it.
My advice is to tell him no more hiding things....
THEN figure out what you can accept even if it is a private time to dress or whatever you feel comfortable with To make this work .
he is going to have to accept himself and stop hiding things.

Right now it seems over whelming but trust me it can work and end up not being a huge thing in your life.
Also remind him he has had YEARS to come to grips with it ( sounds like he has not totally) you can not be expected to be on the same page with this in a snap.

add
I suggest getting a dresser or space he can just have his things might help with the hiding and it will be out in the open.

It has to be about both of you and you can find a way to make it work

[Alaina R]

You've gotten really good advice on this board. I'm with those who suggest that you hold off on the marriage. Both of you need to find a way to deal with this in a better way. It sounds like you are really trying although, as best I can tell, he is not dealing with it at all. If he cannot be honest with himself he cannot be honest with you. That lack of openness and communication (and comfort) can be corrosive over time.

[Brooke B]

Hi taielyn,
You are so courageous. You seem like a very understanding person. This will be a hard subject for him to open up with but my only bit of help is when he is fully willingly ready to talk, be the strong supportive shoulder for him. Good luck

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Taielyn,

It is incredibly brave to you to reach out. This cross dressing thing is a whole other universe to the average person. The fact that you re asking questions says a lot about you.

I am a cross dresser (duh) and married. I came out to my wife about 4 years ago after more than 20 years of marriage and even more years dating. Talk about shocking! I am straight, always have been and always will be. I know this. Some here don't have this certainty. This cross dressing thing has a lot of flavors.

I picked out several comments you made and wanted to respond to each. I added the number, of course, to help keep us aligned. So see below for commentary and I hope it helps.

1)... I was very confused, upset, and frankly scared. This person I had been living with and had discussed marrying was suddenly completely foreign to me.

2)...I insisted he go see a counselor to get to the bottom of why he dresses. All he could tell me was that it helps relieve stress, and I was (still kind of am) convinced there is a deeper reason. He went to see the counselor for nearly 2 months and then told me he didn't need to go anymore.

3)... and there was a filer from Soma, ..., with his name on it and a customer number. I asked him about it, and he said he had no idea how they got his name. ...

4)...and he agreed that we need to go to couples counseling. ...

5)... I asked him what is was, he got defensive and finally fessed up that he had gone shopping again. Once again it was in the attic. I Had him bring it down and show me. I asked again if he needed to do this and that I could accept it if he did. He assured me that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't know how to stop. ...

6)... He said he had been looking as sites like these and was looking into it because he wasn't sure where he fit in, what his title is, and why he does this.

7) He has been dressing since he was about 16. He says he is certain that he likes being a guy and being with girls. I want to believe him so badly. I know he wouldn't hurt me intentionally. I just feel like I can't get out of this wedding if I wanted to. Part of me does want to leave on the basis that he can't seem to be honest and talk openly with me. ...

1) This is completely normal. IT is shocking. Likely you are wondering WHAT ELSE is he hiding. Well, THAT is what needs to come out. Still, do try to be objective about this. If you were him, would you want to tell anyone? It's horribly embarrassing and such an admission is like telling the woman you love that you are not really a man. He absolutely should have told you in advance. I should have told my wife but I didn't. I made excuses but I was simply a coward. It's a tough one.

2) There is no bottom to be found. There is no "reason" so give up on that notion. I have cross dressed since I was about 7. I needed it for some reason that remains a mystery. This is the one thing you will never understand because we cross dressers don't understand it. Stress relief is part of it but you are right, it is not all of it. That part will remain a mystery for all. I for one, think genetics are responsible. Just like being gay, this is a spin on some gene that makes us want this. Others disagree.

3) This is a real problem. Lies AFTER you fond him out are totally unreasonable and unforgivable. Hold him accountable. He should be all in. He may not be able to answer every question but he has to try.

4) I think this is a good thing. A third party can help draw out the issues without the emotion so they can be discussed.

5) Bullshit. He doesn't want to get caught. This is a lie and this is a real serious problem. This is what counseling should focus on.

6) Could be true. As I mentioned above, WE cross dressers don't understand it. But I suspect he is holding something back. His MO is to lie. Again, that's bad.

7) He may be right or he may only think this. You HAVE TO get counseling to dig into this issue. On marriage, there is no reason you can not postpone this. You have big issues in front of you and marriage adds more. Don't bury your head on this. A delay could be the fix for this.

I know he may never quit. I can accept that he dresses so long as he communicates with me.

1) I don't want to force him to quit, I know that won't work. However if he wants to quit I don't want to force him to keep dressing. He's very secretive and embarrassed by it.

2) I also know that right now I don't want to participate. If he came to me and told me he didn't want to stop I would try to accept it more and would try to get to the point that I could participate, but now isn't that time....

1) He doesn't want to quit. He wants his problems to go away. Quitting will NEVER happen. Stopping for a time is possible, but the result will be him turing into a pressure cooker. His personality will change and he will get moody, depressed, short tempered. It's not good. Strangely, he does;t want to discuss it but that is a HUGE source of relief!

2) You don't have to participate and you can still be supportive. Supportive is being willing to talk about it or willing to allow him his "sparkle time." Don't get caught up in "helping" or joining him in this. If you are open to discussion, you are doing more than enough.

1) ...I could not ever see him leaving the house dressed, ...

2) ... i mentioned dressing with me in the house with him at lunch a few minutes ago, he shut the idea down completely. Telling me he didn't want to do it anymore and that he was taking what he bought last week to goodwill.

3)Am I wrong for supporting him in quitting? Even though I've told him I'll support him if he dresses?

1) Don't make that assumption. I never thought about going out in my early days and then it became a must do. I describe it as a validation of myself without saying anything.

2) He's not quitting. Purging all his purchases is a waste as he will be buying again soon. Stop him from doing this. Set the clothes aside until you two get a chance to see a counselor.

I know I can handle the dressing. I also know with time I could grow to accept it more, and become comfortable with other things so long as it happens at my own pace. He hasn't lied to me about anything else, just this. That's my problem. ...

Yep, this is THE issue. If he can't talk to you your future is doomed. Do a reset. Pause everything. Get in front of a professional couples counselor, preferably one with transgender experience and talk. yes, he will be embarrassed. Tough.

Taielyn, no marriage can survive lying. He's both lying to himself and to you. This is no way to start a marriage. He needs to know that. Take the bull by the balls and tell him it's counseling or nothing. He opens up or you walk. You need to shake him to his core. Right now, lying about his cross dressing is more important to him than you.

Best of luck,

Jenn

[Tracii G]

Welcome to the forum first off.
Its a good think that you came here for help in trying to understand what is going on with him.
Sounds like to me he hasn't come to grips with himself yet.Self acceptance is the first thing that needs to happen before he can open up to you about everything.
I'm probably going to get slammed for even saying this but I have to because its a trust thing.
You went thru his stuff thats a no no you went thru his phone looking for evidence a no no again.
If you do things like that no wonder he won't open up around you.It may be because he is scared you are going to tell everyone hence he won't trust you.
You know if you tell a GF about whats going on between you two it will be all over town in a matter of days in some shape or form.
I would think most guys would be horrified if something like that got out.That could be part of his reason for not talking to you about it.
If I were in a relationship how would it look me dragging stuff out in front of him asking whats this? Not showing must trust is it?
What is he going to think you might ask? OMG he has been thru all my stuff I can't trust him at all.
Trust is a huge thing and it goes both ways.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Just so you know where this advice is coming from, I thought of myself as a crossdresser, and I told my GF that's what I was, before we started dating properly. I do not now think of myself that way, but technically I still am. My needs and drives have changed over the last 2 years, mostly because of the way my GF reacted, and the way she lets me explore myself.

Anyway, I wouldn't dump the clothes on the goodwill, eventually, maybe start putting it up on ebay, probably hasn't been worn much. For now, either he uses them as he needs to, or box them up for a while. First, he, and you, need to understand that crossdressing is not bad, of itself. it isn't even that uncommon. He really needs to get it into his head, that's difficult, because of the problems it can cause. It's not commonly accepted in the mainstream, but that is mostly it not being understood. it took me a while to get past the feelings of guilt, and shame, and feeling an outsider, this place helped to get me started on that road, and my GF has helped even more, I still have away to go. A good gender therapist or counsellor is almost a necessity for you two I think. Together, and him on his own probably. The fact that he has lied may indicate other problems, but accepting this in himself can be a huge hurdle to get over, and it may be that nothing else will have the same hold on him as this guilt. It could be said that he wasn't lying, and he does want to stop it, but as others have said, not many of us can rid ourselves of this, and while some can suppress it for a while, doing so can make some seriously unpleasant people to be around. I have no clue where this will take him, there are so many forms, or flavours, some end up finding, or making, an alter ego, and donning that persona at whatever intervals they need, some blend their 2 personalities into a sort of in-between gender, male, but with somewhat feminine style. Yes, a few take on some sort of transition, be it partial, or full surgical conversion. That's rare though, and from what you've said, unlikely.

Tell him, if you think it fits with what your view is, that this isn't a problem if he needs it, but he must get it clarified with some professional help. He has to find a good counsellor or therapist, and at least get past the idea that it's wrong. It isn't wrong, it's just different. If he won't do that, it is extremely likely to come back. If he disagrees with that assessment, point out to him that he has no idea why he does this, how on earth can he be so sure he can control it if he doesn't know where it is coming from?

My opinion is that the suppression has to stop, acceptance has to take place, without that you can't start to peel back the layers and understand, or at least find the shape of, what drives this. With the guilt and shame blocking the view, he's not seeing things clearly yet. if he won't do that, or you can't accept it, then cancel the wedding. If you can start that road, then put a hold on the wedding until you can both start to get a handle on this.

I will say you are very special person to be taking the attitude you have, and he should consider himself lucky.

[DebbieL]

Taielyn,
It's very hard for you as a woman to understand how hard it is for a man to be a cross-dresser (or transgender), let alone tell someone he really loves, that he is a cross-dresser. Keep in mind that there is a spectrum of gender identity usually rated 1-6 with 1 being cis-gender, 2 being a fetish dresser, 3 being a cross-dresser, 4 being a public cross-dresser, 5 wanting to transition but not critical, and 6 is the "Transition or die" group.

Boys who are feminine growing up are often brutally assaulted on a regular basis, often starting as young as 5 years old, and often by large groups of 10-15 boys at a time. Imagine going to school every day, knowing that you would have 10-15 boys hitting you before school, kicking you during recess, kicking and hitting you during gym, and then beating you with sticks on the way home. Usually there are names that go with these beatings like "Sissy", "Fairy", and far worse. Often feminine boys are beaten because they are attractive to some boys who don't want to admit that they are attracted to a boy, no matter how feminine. Other boys participate in the assault because if they don't, they will be targeted as well.

Many of us have told girlfriends or girl friends too soon and have been seriously hurt. What was a closely guarded secret becomes gossip and spreads like wild-fire, which leads to more violence. In other cases, a serious love interest may not only reject us, but may also spread false information, such as that we are gay, that we like boys, or worse. This can often lead to more dire consequences. So the fact that he told you a secret he has kept for many years, possibly a decade or more, is a pretty good sign that he loves you so much he can barely imagine life without you. But he can't live a lie either. He has literally put his life on the line for you.

Being transgender is not a "phase", a "fantasy", or a "delusion". Often there are true medical reasons for these feelings, including the actual makeup of the brain. There are some boys who have female skeletal structure, facial structure, mannerisms, and a few may even have female body parts or missing or deformed boy body parts. The medical condition is "Gender Ambiguity" and is commonly referred to as Intersex. Being intersex does not mandate being transgender, and vice-versa, but they are very often related.

You boyfriend sounds like he's fairly low on the spectrum. He may be quite content to limit his dressing to home, with or without you. Keep in mind that this may be where his more intimate, sensitive, caring, and sensitive nature have to live.

The thing you need to look at is your attraction to him. There is a very good chance that you were actually attracted to many of his feminine traits. Many women are attracted to feminine or males because they are more sensitive, caring, they listen better, they are more romantic, they enjoy kissing and cuddling more, and more willing to let the woman take control or make requests. Often the women who are attracted to these males are very strong, secure, confident, and powerful women who have no trouble leading teams, managing others, and getting what they want. To a feminine man, these are traits that make you attractive to him. The fact that you made him see a counselor and he did it with very little argument indicates how much he cares, and also demonstrates your power and his desire for you to have that power.

You refer to implants, which suggests that you are not well informed about this world at all, and are probably just now starting to find out about the subject. Cross-dressers often have the desire to fully present as female, to look like they actually are female. To do this, they may use breast forms. These can range from home made "fillers" such as bags of rice or beans, to foam, to forms made of a gel that is quite realistic. Forms can range in price for free (rice bags) to $10 "silicone bra" at WalMart to $300 forms that can be attached for several days in a row.

It is unethical for a therapist, such as a CSW or PhD psychologist to try and force or convince a transgender client to accept their birth gender and stop the dressing. The reason for this is that it can push them deeper into secrecy, trigger depression, actually make their gender dysphoria more intense, and could even lead to suicide.

If your boyfriend wanted to transition (actually become a woman), he would be required to do the "Real Life Test", which means living as the chosen gender as much as possible for at least a year, then starting hormones and living full-time as female, and legally changing name and gender. Some will decide not to have the Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS), but will continue to live as female the rest of their lives. At this point, it does not seem that your boyfriend is headed in this direction.

You should find a counselor with with solid experience in working with Gender Dysphoria. He will probably go to around 5-8 sessions, first in male form, then perhaps in female form, and at that point, you will see the counselor together. The counselor may wish to see you alone a few times as well.

The real challenge is not getting him to stop, but deciding how the two of you will relate to the girl side of him. One option may be to let him explore this in private, at home, when you are not there. This means that you will need to schedule 3-4 days a week when you will not be there and he will. Some men take jobs where they "go on the road" and indulge when they are at hotels. This can be very hard on a relationship because it can be experienced as rejection of something that is very important to your partner. Imagine if your boyfriend insisted that you wear mid-thigh miniskirts, dark hose, 3 inch heels, low cut satin shirts, and hair styled the way he liked it, as well as full make-up every day, and if you didn't appear that way, he would ignore or avoid you, or worse start to criticize everything about you. It wouldn't take long for him to turn your love into hate, and you would be gone.

Another option is for him to dress with you, in the house, in private. You may even find that he is willing to do chores you don't like doing, like cooking, cleaning, dusting, or vacuuming, even cleaning the bathrooms. You may also find that SHE knows exactly where to scratch your back, can kiss your neck in a way that covers your whole body with goose bumps.

I've been married twice. The first time, I told my ex about being a cross-dresser about 3 weeks after we moved in. She seemed to accept so I proposed and we got married about 6 months later. Even before the wedding there were indications that she wasn't as accepting as she pretended. Over the next 8 years, it reached the point where I would work absurdly late, often well after midnight, and spend 12-15 hours a day at work to avoid the rejection and snarky remarks. We finally went to a couples counselor and she immediately brought up my "Wardrobe Problem". We talked about it together for a few weeks, then he met with us separately.

With me, the counselor asked a lot of questions to assess my true gender identity. I told him that I had started dressing when I was 6, because most of my friends were girls and we were just trading clothes. When a mother freaked out and demanded that I be banned from playing with the girls, I got severely beaten by the boys on a regular basis. Even without dressing up, it was nearly impossible to hide my feminine nature. How I laughed, how I covered my mouth when I laughed, how I would squeal with delight, or giggle, how I would often use a whole octave in a single sentence. My hips were wider, my waist was smaller, and my chest was bigger than most boys my age. I was tall, but thin and had very long legs. Finding pants was always a challenge. If I wore boys pants, I had to pay extra to get the 36 inch inseam, I would use a belt to gather up all the extra space at the waist, and I'd wear dress shirts that fit like tents to hide my curves. I often wore jackets. At puberty, when I found out I had a bass voice I turned to drugs and booze and nearly killed myself numerous times.

With my ex, he asked what she found attractive about me, then has he tried to point out that these were feminine traits, she kept saying she couldn't stand the way I looked. She actually LIKED the feminine traits, but wanted me hairy and masculine looking and dressing like a man all the time.

Ultimately, he brought us together said "Rex/Debbie is transsexual and should transition as soon as possible, I'm surprised he has lived this long", then "Leslie is not bisexual or a lesbian and will never be attracted to Rex as long as he continues to look so feminine. The communication is great, the love is there, and you support each other, but this conflict can't be resolved. Your options are 1 - Continue your platonic marriage (we hadn't had sex in over 2 years), 2 - Have an open marriage where you each take your own lovers but stay married, or 3 - Get divorced and see if you can marry someone who is a better match. I chose option 1, she chose option 2, but after about 4 months, her lover wanted to get married so we ended up with option 3.

When I married Lee, my current wife, I was much more honest much earlier. I met her on match.com where my profile contained pictures of Debbie as well as Rex. Lee sent a note saynig "Yo, you're wearing a dress, what's that about?". I sent her a response explaining that I was transgender and had wanted to transition, but felt I was too old and fat to do so at this point in my life. We talked on the phone for 2 weeks, then went out on a date. When I met her parents I realized she had great role models and could be a great wife. When she lost the keys to our beach rental, I was so calm and so supportive she decided I was a keeper. She realized that was my feminine nature coming out. I didn't freak out, I just asked if she wanted me to book a hotel nearby, go back to my place (closest), or sleep in the car. She opted to sleep in the car, and we cuddled together. I just wanted to make sure she was taken care of.

Fast forward about 6 years, including a wedding, a stroke (mine), 8 hernias (hers), and lots of love, and the death of my father created the space where I wanted to transition. I started seeing a therapist, and was looking at boot-leg hormones, and Lee said "I'm not OK with this". I sorta freaked out. I was in Maine and had mixed a "Prestone Cocktail" before I poured it down the drain and when I got back to NJ I told my doctor I needed help. A few days later I started seeing a gender counselor, and after about 5 sessions, Lee came along. We started going ot dinner as Debbie and Lee, and Lee helped me to dress like a professional business woman. It was a bit like an episode of "What not to wear" with all my "club wear" going into the trash, and then having to buy longer skirts, looser tops, jackets, and business appropriate shoes. At the same time, Lee was beginning to see how much happier I was. I even looked about 15 years younger. I had a mild heart problem, and shortly after that I was approved for spiro and estro. When I told my heart doctor what I was taking, he said "Wonderful, Now I can take you off those really dangerous drugs I was giving you, most men hate the side effects, but you don't seem to mind".

Today I have been living as Debbie full time for about 3 years now, and have legally changed my name and gender. I even work as Debbie. Lee and I are closer than ever, and happier too. I don't think I have ever loved as much or experienced the love of others as much. It's so much easier to experience love when I don't have to pretend not to be what I am and pretend to be what I am not. I wasn't even very good at it.. Her family likes Debbie even better than Rex, as do the people at work, and even the people at church. Again, it's so much easier when you aren't hold up a clown mask to survive.

Given what you have written in your original post, it's pretty obvious that you are very much in love with both the boy and the girl, but you are still struggling with how to deal with the wardrobe issue. The good news is that he seems to like being a man, with it's special privileges, benefits, and conventions, and seems to only need to let the girl out on occasion, rather than 24/7.

As for coming home with a boyfriend, if he were attracted to guys, he would have been searching out guys. He may find your strong personality, positive outlook, power, and confidence to be very attractive, even though these are "masculine" traits. I tell Lee, "You are more than man enough, and more than woman enough, for me, and I love you just the way you are, no matter what changes". I've always been a bit bisexual, but boys/men were also associated with violence and pain. Even if I got a wonderfully romantic offer, I would never want to jeopardize the wonderful relationship I have with Lee. I suspect your boyfriend is similar, he wants you and cares enough to share a secret he might have taken to the grave if you hadn't found his stash.

[Gillian Gigs]

I think that Jenniferathome hit the nail right on the head. The best advice I have seen so far. There is nothing worst than the state of denial and your SO seems to be wallowing in it. The lies are the give away.

[Tanya+]

Speaking for myself, the tendency to hide this part of myself wasn't shame, so much as self-hatred, somewhere a long the line i judged myself as unacceptable and unlovable, and the fear of sharing was the fear of being exposed as unloveable. The process of self acceptance was long and healing and had little to do with actual cross-dressing behaviour. After accepting myself, the experience of being known and accepted by my wife was staggering and tearful, as a lifetime of pain poured out. The next issue was that this aspect of me was immature and prone to rushes of blood and a modest bit of overspending. From what little i know of Your story, i would sayy this: the commitment of marriage should be free of massive doubts and reservations.. BUT a fearful heart would take this as confirmation of being unacceptable, UNLESS the engagement continues as an affirmation of mutual exploration and understanding. If its love you have to honour it, without losing yourself. Anyway, i talk too much, best of luck to you both.

[Taielyn]

I really appreciate all the stories. Some sound very simmilar in ways, and open my eyes to things about myself that I wasn't really attuned to. (Here I thought it was going to be all about him). Especially the bit about my masculine side, I've often joked that I have bigger balls than most men, and have always been very assertive and direct - especially with male coworkers and friends. However I never really attributed it to a masculine side in me, I just shrugged it off as being a very strong and confident female who doesn't take anybody's flack. Part of the reason I love him so much really is his feminine side, it's rare when it comes out, and it's usually in very small ways, but it's those nice gestures that I love so much.

As far as the snooping goes. We talked about that last night actually. Although technically snooping when I found his stash the first time, he agrees that he would have done the same and didn't consider it a blatant invasion of privacy. When I found out the second time it was a complete invasion, and we talked about it because we never had before. He admitted he never faulted me for it because he wasn't being honest to begin with, which would have solved the problem. I feel bad about it, but after our talk we are agreeing to put that behind us, as there's nothing we can do about it now. Neither of us think the reciept I found was an invasion of privacy either, and he opened up right away, which did help quite a bit for both sides. Looking on his phone was purely a mistake, he knew I was looking up a video on YouTube when he handed me my phone, it's not like I was pulling search history from 5 years ago. Although I understand exactly where you are coming from when you say trust is mutual.

[Jackie7]

With your open-minded attitude and your willingness to work with him at your own pace, you can have a lot of fun with it provided he comes clean with you and gets over his need to create new secrets. What's toxic is the parade of secrets and the resulting fear of what next that hasn't yet been mentioned.

My wife is very womanly yet she has a strong masculine side too. and I am very manly but with a strong girl side. These are the qualities we prize most in each other. Our love, complete openness, and mutual trust is what allows these qualities to emerge.

When I showed this thread to my wife, she pointed out that in exchange for no secrets, I got acceptance. And with time and love, acceptance becomes approval. And that's what we really want, your approval.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi Taielyn-

Good for you for reaching out for more information on this little known subject. Even most of us that personally do it really do not have much understanding of it. The vast majority of information is simply personal opinions, so take it as you will.

I do agree with what Jennifer at home stated in her earlier post.

Some of my own thoughts:

- In my marriage neither of us even considers any right to privacy from each other. What is mine is hers and vice versa. We share everything. Apparently many have told me that makes our relationship quite bizarre. Anywho... for me, you did nothing wrong with looking around your own house. He did something wrong with attempting to hide something from you.

- He is in the middle of a great amount of denial. Many, many, many! transgender folks are quite annoyed with this seemingly weird desire within ourselves. I know it bugged the heck out of me for a long time and still does on occasion. Until he comes to grips with his own internal desires he will continue to deny them and will most likely end up lying to himself and thus to you. He will most likely never rid himself of these desires.

- Being a strong stand up woman, does not mean you have a masculine side, as him being softer or more gentle does not mean he has a feminine side. These are social constructs and definitions of what is male or female. It does not necessarily make it so. I think for many of us, it is a feeling inside. I know for me, I have never fully felt comfortable with defining myself as male. Nor do I feel comfortable as defining myself as female. Talk about feeling like a weirdo! How in the world could I possibly ever explain that to anybody else who has never felt that way? Well, what I have discovered is that you just say it and let others think what they may. It is how I feel inside is all that matters.

- You certainly can postpone or cancel the marriage at anytime. Do NOT feel locked into doing something you are not comfortable with.

- Oh and here is another vote for cross dressing does not mean you are homosexual. I have been given the opportunity on several occasions to be with men and I have never been interested in doing so. While my desire to cross dress has been with me for as long as I can remember, my total lack of desire to be intimate with men has been with me just as long. And I have had opportunities to do so since I was about 12 to the current time. Neither desire has ever changed.

Good luck!

[Rachael Leigh]

Taielyn, from my experience with my wife who really is not accepting but does know its been a struggle for a long time. Your BF sounds a lot like many of us and we try to deny this and that we can make it go away. Well Ive known for a long time I wanted to dress up and never ever could understand it, once I told my wife just before we got married I thought finally I have someone who knows. It does help to tell and yet I still felt bad for having this a part of me and I kept thinking once married I will not need it.
I was wrong, it got stronger because I saw my wonderful wife dressed pretty and thinking man I wish I could have something pretty to wear too.
I did stop for a time, but in the last few years its came back as strong as its ever had and it has been a big burden on our relationship. We do talk about it but it still hurts her.
So yes communication is a huge key for you both and he may still not be sure where he wants to go with all this. I wish you the best and thanks for sharing this because we all have an understanding
blessings Leigh

[Isabella Ross]

So much good advice. Incredible to see this forum living up to its potential, in terms of simply helping people. Taeilyn, not much new to add, but I will stress a couple of points that have already been made:

- although it might not seem like it now, your relationship, like many others on this forum, might grow stronger if you can both come to terms with this

- you do seem like you can get to that level of acceptance based on what you've written (but I still might suggest postponing the wedding until you do get there)

- he will never lose this aspect of his personality, so please...do not fall into the trap of believing that he will "quit" and "helping" him achieve this

- he will wallow in guilt and shame until the end of his days if he doesn't come to terms with it

- because it's permanent and in no way optional, he needs to somehow see begin to see this as a gift and source of joy in his life

- the main stumbling block seems to be his inability to move forward, not yours

Best wishes.

[Alyssa Lane]

Only advice i can give, as this sounds exactly like me, the dressing doesnt stop, some days the urge is more then other days where im busy, getting rid of anything isnt a good idea unless its something i dont like or doesnt fit. The saying he wants to stop is just denial where he doesn't know what to do or where to go from here, he sounds like he is trying to find his comfortable spot to be living as where you and him are happy together. Let him do what he needs, just have him know not to go crazy spending like any woman can in a mall with a blank cheque. Its a hard thing to talk anout when he doesnt know where he is at and hasnt come to terms with it yet.

[Taielyn]

We met with our counselor last night. It was very helpful. My fiancé still says he wants to quit for himself, he says everything would be much easier if he just stopped, which I get. We made a deal that when he comes to me saying he wants to shop, or dress, that it would be beneficial for me to ask him how I can help him. That way if he decides on his own that he wants my acceptance, all he has to do is tell me. Or if he wants me to give him some support to stop, I can do that too. That way I'm not responsible for making him do something one way or another. I think he has a general understanding, but can't verbalize it. I don't expect him to be able to fully explain something as complex as this seems. He knows I will support him no matter what. The bag of clothes is still by the dresser, I'm thinking im just going to put it in the drawer with my lingerie, and have that just be our "special occasion" drawer. At least then when he feels the urge to dress he doesn't drop a crazy amount of money, at least until we have talked about it.

[franlee]

From the impression I get from your post you are CD and with that said, you aren't going to be able to give it up just because someone else wants you to. So the best you can do is be honest with yourself and her. Take the whole package(you as you are) or part with a taste of sweet sorrow and move on with your life until you find a woman that Loves you, the true and total you. It's really that simple unless you want to live in misery and resentment with a woman that doesn't want to be in a complete/honest relationship. I can't except that compromise for a life time. Can you? We are who and what we are, good, bad, or indifferent take me as I am or we'll part friends, it's their choice.

[c2candice]

Hi Taielyn,

I get where you guys are at. Just a comment on your last post. He probably, like me, sometimes wants so bad not to want to dress. I go through periods of thinking I will never do it again. It's a hassle. It does not fit in with my current life (me now married 6 years, 2 kids). It doesn't have a place in my happy marriage. I don't have time for it. I've said all those things.

But the thoughts always come back. I don't know why. I don't know what brings it on.

Chances are, he "wants" really hard himself not to have these feelings. If it were up to him, he would forget it all. But if he is like any of us, he simply can't just drop it.

Hope that helps. Lots of good advice here.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Taielyn - beautiful choice of name by the way -

Thanks for writing and telling us what's been happening.

Firstly his dressing isn't about you. It isn't about anything you've done, it isn't about stress caused by your work.

He's fuelled by a compulsion which is deep seated and virtually uncontrollable. If he were to 'control' it, it would simply be suppression- and you're aware of course of how suppressing a powerful compulsion is likely to turn out.

This is NOT going to go away. If you choose to be with this man, you need to accept that- and I for one do not blame you if you decide not to. You care a lot about him, and I don't actually think 'what the kids think' somewhere down the line is very relevant- it's what you think, what you feel which matter.

He may or may not have or develop an attraction to men- the majority of us are hetero believe it or not, and many of us are devoted to our wives and torn up about the pain and/or confusion we have caused them. Plenty here have very understanding and accepting wives. There are all sorts. I believe him when he says he does not want to hurt you- but at the same time he does sound a bit immature- perhaps no more than most his age.

My advice is that you listen to your instincts and fears. Don't marry this guy blindly hoping that things will magically change. I realise that the problem is in sorting out what is a legitimate threat to your future and what is insecurity- yes, he may (with your help) learn to manage his compulsion and you may learn to accommodate it into your marriage. But the operative word is 'may'.

I don't like the locking of the attic idea- that has very negative overtones. A small chunk of metal can no more staunch his compulsion than a sandbag can resist a rising river. The best solution is talk, talk, talk. Locking one door just means he'll find another, and you need to avoid him feeling he must hide his compulsion.

I don't mean by that that you are obliged to accept his every whim- but your r/ship must be based on honesty if it is to have any chance of success.

It distresses me that you say "I just feel like I can't get out of this wedding if I wanted to."

This is not 1895, there is no shotgun, and no one among your family and friends (his as well as yours) can or should contribute to any feeling of pressure to marry him or anybody.

If you are talking about guilt, then use your obvious intelligence to do the math. Marrying someone because you feel guilty otherwise is the worst basis to form a marriage. You do not owe him anything- but you do owe it to yourself to make the best, happiest life you can for yourself. He must fight his own battles, and frankly I doubt he is really prepared for marriage- he needs to sort himself out in a big way. By all means stay engaged, but postpone the marriage before you get in over your head. I'd say he needs 5-10 years to come to terms with himself, if he's anything like most of us!

Don't hesitate to write as much and as often as you feel you need.

Hugs, Nikki

...he was taking what he bought last week to goodwill.

Am I wrong for supporting him in quitting?

He isn't quitting, he's purging. We see it all the time. It will be followed by an empty ache, which will nag and nag at his guts until he gives in and begins buying again.

I say again: this is NOT going to go away.

[TinaZ]

We met with our counselor last night. It was very helpful. My fiancé still says he wants to quit for himself, he says everything would be much easier if he just stopped, which I get. We made a deal that when he comes to me saying he wants to shop, or dress, that it would be beneficial for me to ask him how I can help him. That way if he decides on his own that he wants my acceptance, all he has to do is tell me. Or if he wants me to give him some support to stop, I can do that too. That way I'm not responsible for making him do something one way or another. I think he has a general understanding, but can't verbalize it. I don't expect him to be able to fully explain something as complex as this seems. He knows I will support him no matter what. The bag of clothes is still by the dresser, I'm thinking im just going to put it in the drawer with my lingerie, and have that just be our "special occasion" drawer. At least then when he feels the urge to dress he doesn't drop a crazy amount of money, at least until we have talked about it.

He might want to quit. I've wanted to quit countless times. The thing is, transgender is transgender is transgender. Part of his being will be female until the day he dies, and whether he ever dresses again or not, that is an etched-in-stone fact. Bottom line, dressing will help him connect to that part, which eventually will help him be whole, which means a calmer, happier, more well adjusted person.

Life would be WAY easier if this were not true (so he's honest when he says he "wants" to quit), but it is true. Once he internalizes this, everything will be better.

[Kate T]

I think your approach is admirable.

Many here have already advised that it always comes back. Certainly that would seem to be the case though you must remember you are posting on a support site for crossdressers, we are a fairly biased population.

One thing is clear and definite. You cannot MAKE him quit. Not only can you not make him quit, to try and make him would be cruel and unfair. Another thing also is very clear. He could not have a more loving or supportive partner.

Best wishes

[Jane P]

Hi Taielyn ,

I am sorry I do not have any advice for you . I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread as so much useful information has been generated in the process.

I can believe that he "wants" to quit dressing . While doing it can relieve stress , hiding it builds up a different stress and it is hard to break this cycle . We grew up being told this is wrong , boys don't dress like girls , yet some of us have this urge , this desire . We don't know where it comes from , we wish it would go away . Note: ( please replace all the "we's" with "I's " as I cannot really speak for others ). The thing is , it doesn't ever really go away . The best we can hope for is to accept this and deal with it. He needs to learn that it is part of him that he is stuck with and start being honest with both himself and you that it is likely not going away .

Thank you for being brave enough to come here and ask these questions and seek out knowledge to help you accept your partner as he is . I hope he is able to do the same for you . In the end do what is right for you , I wish you the best of luck in your relationship , but , as painful as it may be , it is not too late to call off or postpone a wedding if you are having doubts.

Best of luck Taielyn and again thanks , and welcome to the forum.

John ( Jonnie )