Wife's medical scare, and my reaction

[Tina_gm]

1st, I just want to give some advice- never ever ever read Web MD or any other of those brain terrorizing medical sites.

Soooo, my wife has had some chronic abdominal issues for the last several years. IBS is basically it. But, IBS is as much symptoms as it can be a diagnosis itself. It can be just that, or can be other things as well. Well, a CT scan was done, as she has a new primary doc, and she wanted another go around trying to deal with the IBS. He doesn't feel it is all that big of a deal, age, pre menopause, blah blah blah. So just to make sure she got a full CT scan work up, all internal organs look fine, blood work fine. It did show a ovarian cyst. And when she started looking that up, off went the sirens in her head as ovarian cancer has ALL the same symptoms that is IBS. She went into a panic, thought she has had it for years now undected and this could be really really bad. Got an immediate appointment with her GYN. All was fine, it was a simple cyst and women often have them and not even know it. It might even be gone by now. PHEW!!

My reaction to this- while hopeful I prepared myself for what could be a very difficult time for my wife. My immediate thought and reaction was that I had to do whatever I could to make my wife go through as little other stress to deal with this. And that meant for me, to ditch any gender, dressing trans issue, put it completely on the back burner, and be nothing but the strongest most supportive MAN I could be. I did not fret about this, agonize over this or have so much as a second thought about this in any way.

Lately, I have been having some personal acceptance issues, and after the all clear, those issues went into overdrive. I went from having some dislike of the whole trans thing and some negative thoughts to a down right hatred of myself. I guess in some ways, my immediate and unwavering reaction to my wife's possible medical situation only fueled this as it confused me all the more. WHY?? do I go through what I do, feel the way I do, yet when something like what I thought I may have to deal with do I go right into 100% male only mode without any hesitation whatsoever?? And why when there was the all clear did the gender issues come right back?? Why is it so difficult, why why why?????

I still do not know the answers. But, I am determined now to stop hating myself. To stop the negative slide I have been on as of late. My wife and I had a great talk last night driving home from seeing my son at college. And one thing I realized is that my negativity has been more widespread than I had thought. Not that I have been mean, just that the normal everyday life which throws in all its curve balls and such have been bothering me, a lot.

Of course, being trans is the knuckle ball of life, and I believe now that it is not my being trans which was giving me the negativity, but my negativity which has caused my increased acceptance problems of myself as of late. My reactions to my wifes possible medical situation are only further proof that my love for her trumps any gender issues I have and I will do whatever I can to help her when times are tough.

I hope some day I can truly conquer this damn self hatred crap that keeps rolling through my head. I am trying.

[kimdl93]

You really gained some clarity in your thinking as a consequence of your wife's health scare and your introspection. Indeed it seems that many of us have lived with deep negativity, not because we are trans, but because for so long we failed to accept being trans. I did the same thing...let my deeply imbedded self loathing contaminate other aspects of my life.

Getting past self loathing and the pall it casts on life can make one's whole life more complete, enjoyable and positive.

[AllieSF]

Thank you for a very good topic and post. I can understand more or less where you are at. Your questions to yourself are most interesting. Personally, and not knowing, nor wanting to know, all the details I think that your immediate response to be 100% male is commended, but my question while reading that was, "Why not just be a 100% good and supportive partner and leave the gender stuff out of it?" That does not mean that you continue as is during a potentially high stress extended period of time. What I mean by that, knowing that this more serious TG stuff never really goes away, is that I believe, as I think that you have realized, that we can still keep the TG "stuff" in the background and still be truly good human beings. That by accepting and loving ourselves as good people can also permit us to be good people to all others. Yes, sometimes we need to put some of it, or maybe all of it on the back burner once in awhile, but we should probably never think that we can do that permanently with the results of trying that probably leading to ever more serious other personal and relationship issues.

I am happy about the good medical news and hope that your (plural for both you and your wife) recent experience can be an eye opening learning experience for both of you and will thus serve both of you well into the future.

[Kristy 56]

First of all I'm happy for you and your wife that nothing was seriously wrong and that she's ok. I'm also very good at beating myself up over guilt feelings at times. However ,I hope that you be kind to yourself. You seem to me to be a very unselfish and loving husband. You were there for her when she needed you,and things turned out ok. Why not celebrate that ? I hope you give yourself the break you deserve,your wife's lucky to have you.

[Sarah Doepner]

Mutt, I've been there in real life. My wife passed away almost two years ago as a result of a nearly 7 year long battle with colon cancer. She knew about my crossdressing at that time but there were plenty of years in the past when she didn't know and was facing health or family challenges. Like you, I was dedicated to her welfare above mine and if it meant leaving the crossdressing behind, so be it. However she had pointed out something to me when she accepted this aspect of my personality. She always saw me as more gentle, caring and nurturing than the average guy and she attributed that to my feminine side. Maybe it's because she didn't see those other guys when they weren't guarded or ever hear similar stories from their wives. I dont' know.

I felt much better not hiding from her and not having to deny that part of myself. Because of that I do believe I was a much better and less conflicted caregiver during her last years. So I guess I'm suggesting you may not have the need to compartmentalize your life because some of what you need to better help and support your wife just may be from your feminine side. Just as some of what she needs will be from your masculine side as well, you need all the tools at your disposal to be a full time and fully capable partner.

[Bria]

My question is this, why do you have be the MAN to be fully supportive of your wife in her medical emergency?

I think that we are conditioned by a lifetime of training to view being strongly supportive as being manly. I'm hoping that in a similar situation your wife would be as supportive of you as you were of her. I think that is just part of our promise of in sickness and in health to each other.

BTW I glad that you wife's health issue was not serious.

hugs, Bria

[mykell]

hey mutt, glad what was found was not as she suspected, everyone plays online doctor these days,
you seem to spin on this gender issue like a wheel going down the road,
i stopped beating myself up about this first when i joined in here, and pretty much all together when i confessed this gap in my personality to my wife last year,
just so you can here it louder when you read this later turn up your volume "STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP ABOUT THIS", she would be there for you yes, does that make her manly, a strong women or just someone who loves you....
now go back to being a good husband and give the mrs. a hug......

[MsVal]

Those that are in a loving relationship want the best for each other. This includes the best care when ill. It's not a masculine or feminine thing, it's a love thing. GM, you love your wife, a blind man can see that.

You can be a great caregiver regardless of your gender expression. It is not necessary to choose one or the other.

Now, as for the self loathing ... Have you ever seen a three legged dog? There is one on my block who lost her leg to a disease. She's fine now and gets around quite well on the remaining three. She enjoys all the things that a four legged dog does, and doesn't seem to be bothered by her missing leg.

I learned a lesson from that dog about self pity and self loathing, and learned to enjoy myself.

(good to hear about your dear wife's diagnosis)

Best wishes
MsVal

[flatlander_48]

I hope some day I can truly conquer this damn self hatred crap that keeps rolling through my head. I am trying.

My spin...

The Human Mechanism is a VERY complicated machine. When it finds a comfortable rut (and I'm speaking of not so good ones here), it will use whatever methods (self hatred being one of them) in order to prevent you from moving beyond said rut. So, think of what you would like to feel like, what you would like to do, etc. and try to model that situation. It will give you a sense of how things may go for you if you can get out from under the specter of self hatred. Try to do that a few times and hopefully you will have an idea of what your life could actually be...

DeeAnn

[cheryl reeves]

my wife has gone through alot of medical scares and im there with her through all of it,i go to the drs with her so i know whats going on or make mention of something she forgot. my wife knows and helps me on the return,she is there for me. she has helped me come to accepting cheryl and has made the cheryl side of me welcome in our marriage. for a marriage to work there must be a friendship,for if there is no friendship the marriage fails. my wife is my best friend and my life would be empty if she isnt in it and she feels the same.

[Katey888]

GM I can empathise completely with your feelings... (and I am glad to hear that your wife is fine... )

My wife has serious health issues and I have agonised over the totally irrational causality of: "If I could stop CDing perhaps she'd get better...?" I know it's not quite the same, but I can also feel those same misgivings and declining self-acceptance levels, plus the added frissance of guilt because she doesn't know about this side of me... So I've parked my CDing now - 75 days and counting... It has helped - but I know it's not going to go away entirely, and a self-enforced embargo will add pressures in other ways - I know that - and there are other factors at play too...

I really think it's harder for some of us here to be fully self-accepting - individual personalities play into that, as does upbringing, environment, and how strong an urge the TGness represents. I think your strategy about the negativity is a good one: face that down and make progress around the positive aspects of who you are as a complete person - not a fragmented, troubled individual as society might like to perceive us, and possibly as we feel ourselves sometimes (I know I do and I don't think I have this condition too strongly).

Chin-up! Grit teeth and keep thinking positive stuff about the WHOLE you!

Katey x

[Tina_gm]

Thanks everyone. My situation with my wife is in between dadt and a full acceptance. I do not dress in her presence, but we do talk about it at times. She is fully aware of this site, and to the level I dress and my overall place on the spectrum. While she accepts it, and me, it is very much a challenge for her at times.

I perhaps would have dressed still should there have been not so good news, but there would have been zero talk of it, I would have stopped shaving, and generally not shown my natural feminine traits and mannerisms. This was not a discussion nor a request from her. It was something I had decided on my own. If she had to go through all of what it potentially could have been, I felt that she needed as little other stress or challenge as I could eliminate. I would still without hesitation choose that again.

My self hatred of myself is from a failed life long struggle to fight it. I have decided to no longer fight myself, but 30 years of that just doesn't go away immediately. Add to how easily I made a decision to shut down the feminine aspects of myself it added to a recent fall back into my own dislike of myself.

My wife doesn't want me to fight myself or to stop. She only asks that I not dress in her presence and to just be respectful about leaving clothes out and stuff like that. Overall it has worked for the both of us. But lately I just have slipped back into my own programmed negativity from 30 years worth of patterns.