4,910 active members, I would love all of your perspectives on this subject

[Erica Marie]

I know we all fall into a different range here. Some dress because they like the change, some for sexual reasons, some for stress relief and many like myself who suffer from some level of gender ID issues.

For those of you who are just consider yourself a regular crossdresser, I would love to know how you cope and keep it at a level that you can handle.

And for the others who deal with gender ID issues, how do you cope day to day. If you had the chance to have HRT would you do it if no one knew? I think for alot of people what holds us back is acceptance from others. Would you prefer to be female and dress as a male to be accepted, because that is what everyone expected you to be. Which in turn still makes you a crossdresser.

A bit about me for those who dont know. I have been dressing since my early teens. Like many it started as a sexual thing, exploring who I am, as the years went by I passed through many stages. Trying to transform myself to appear female through cloths, wigs, breast forms. Now I realize its about trying to make my brain accept who I am. Now to cope a little better I wear female cloths everyday, but all items that could pass as male or female. I have let my hair grow to a longer length but not so much that I look sloppy or overly feminine. Have my ears pierced, keep my legs and body free of manyly hair growth. But I do it all i a way that no one overly suspects anything. Something I have done my whole life, do what is expected and be who I am expected to be. The son, the brother, dad, the guy next door, the guy at work. How do you just change all of that? All things I wish I knew 35 yrs ago, do I just keep living the life that others see me in?

[karenpayneoregon]

Prior to transitioning I dealt with day to day by burying myself in teaching which I loved as a second profession and was perfect as it was dominated my males along with dating woman which pretty much go little time for my female side. After roughly 15 years doing this I succumbed to my female side to the point it could not be hidden anymore and left the group to peruse gender reassignment surgery and breast augmentation. In the end it my female side dominated my male side till there was no male side.

In many ways my life was similar to Lady Valor (Kristen Beck)

[kimdl93]

A lot of questions there, Erica...some directed at the rest of us, but mostly at yourself.

I would put myself in the group whose gender identity is at odds with that lifelong image. I've used many of the strategies you've employed, and dealt with the same conflicting expectations. For me, these half measures have offered a less than satisfactory coping mechanism. Only feel complete and right with the world when I'm presenting as female. However, some business and family obligations limit my freedom to go full time. So I compromise and endure. I find there is no magic solution...only a determination to live in the moment, meet my obligations and enjoy and appreciate the opportunities life affords me.

[reb.femme]

Hi Erica,

I'm happy being male me and dressing whenever I can. I would really like to dress more than I do and to be able to go to work femme, but the work thing will not be happening. Many years of testosterone in my system forbids me from ever seriously passing so will always be the man in a dress....more's the pity, because I really do like femme me.

If I lived on my own, I still would not consider transitioning, it's never been on my radar, but I would almost certainly dress femme whenever I was at home.

Rebecca

[Tina_gm]

Idk if there is such a thing as a "regular " cder... but I get whst you are saying about how many of us don't have a more prominent female identity. That being said, what makes any male dress as a female strictly for themselves and on a fairly regular basis or at least desire to?

My thoughts, and not everyone shares them is that from occasional to full time and orTS is all the same phenomenon, but those who are TS are to a higher, or highest degree. Cders are just somewhere in the middle from cisgender to TS.

I am in some ways just the typical cder you speak of, but in other ways not. I suffer certain frustrations as you do, but probably not all of them. I believe that I am a blend of gender. A strong duality which can often be at odds. Part of me longs to be female yet part of me doesnt. That seems to be my biggest struggle personally.

My coping mechanisms are that I come here. Also, I try very hard to look at the big picture of life. Successful people generally are the ones who have patience, sacrifice and compromise down. They see the greater good that comes from practicing these principles.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it is to figure out how you can find the balance of being both good and true to yourself while honoring the life you have created. In the end, you may find it is in your best interest to simply allow yourself your full gender expression.

Often though for many of us, we find some middle ground. That is something I am working toward. Finding internal peace, not being art war with myself because I am feminine. I didn't choose it, it chose me. But, regardless that I am a feminine person yet am male, I can still be a good person.

[alwayshave]

Dear Erica, I am a crossdresser who gets to dress as often as I like. I am not frustrated, as I am a male that likes to wear women's clothes and I get to do so. No gender identity issues, I know who I am. My only frustration is my weight and my inability to do eye makeup.

[Krisi]

I consider myself "a regular crossdresser" and I cope with it by dressing when it won't cause problems in my life and not dressing when I have things to do that can't be done dressed as a woman. By this, understand that I don't want to be seen by neighbors or friends dressed as a woman.

Balance is important in life be it crossdressing, playing golf, fishing or whatever.

[Melissa73]

alright! i consider myself a regular crossdresser, since i was 12. outed 3 years ago at age 38. I dress every day, considering ive done the switch to panties 24/7. When i am home, i am dressed in my "girl" clothes which is apart of my regular wardrobe..... rarely do i wear typical guy clothes, unless it is to got to work.

Do i want to transition? NO! i am happy as a man.... who dresses as he please! Ive come to realize this makes me a better man, im not frustrated nor am i angry as much as i was when i was "closeted."

BUt the next issue im coming to terms with, is that i am realizing that i am attracted to men... and desire a 1st time experience. However not just with anyone!

mELISSA

[Karen kc]

Im just a regular man in a dress crossdresser. My wife knows, but no one else. Even though you can probably bet that Im under-dressed, I know in my mind that about as far as I can go with it! Im satisfied that I can under dress. I do get frustrated that I have to run to the b r and change if I see the grand youngons comming across the yard or whatever, I m thankful for the little timeI had dressed. I wouldnt change a thing!

[audreyinalbany]

I too consider myself a 'regular cross dresser.' Late middle aged, hetero sexual, married for many years, kids, house in the 'burbs. I honestly don't get tormented by my dressing. My wife and I are pretty much DADT except for the very occasional 'heart to heart' talks that never seem to alter things very much. I dress once in a while, have gone out on a few occasions (only once to a meeting, usually shopping or museum-ing) and when I don't dress for extended periods of time, fantasize about dressing. I go through times when the desire to dress is fairly intense and times when it's pretty minimal. I just kind of roll with it. i've got to agree that 'balance is important in life.'

[jacques]

hello,
I wonder if there is such a thing as a "regular crossdresser"? There is probably as much diversity among CDers as there is within any other "community".
My reasons for dressing have changed with age and circumstances. Do non-CDers ever question their choice of clothing like we do or do they just accept it?
luv J

[AllisonCS1]

I'm not really sure which side of the road I fall onto, But I do know that keeping things unchanged will not change anything so I keep forging down this path attempting to discover my limits and where precisely I belong.

For many years I believed things to be taboo and would sometimes steal from the laundry when I was younger... (0nce I became too tall to receive handidowns from my sister) later on in life I would have to make do with whatever the ex gf left behind... never once could I bring myself to run to the store and pick something up under the guise of shopping for a SO. Luckily the internet came along and yet I held back, only purchasing a small item here and there. always careful not to take things too far with the belief that I was just trying to cope with the loneliness and disparity of my life.

That trend continued for many years, telling myself that I was just coping, but I no longer believe that I was coping, I was denying reality... Yet still there was a lot of fear, of what I am unsure but while I never had a wife or serious relationship holding me back I allowed the thought that I was the oldest son and I had responcibilities to remain that way. Even now though most of my siblings are grown I still war with that ideal. I have a sister 12yrs and 3 young nephews and 3 nieces and I am constantly asking myself what should I do?

But I suppose that something sort of good happened, my mother had overhead a alchohal induced emotional confession I made to one of my younger sisters who was in the navy.(A family reunion) and after about a month... Well she outed me as trans to 4 of my siblings. Now I'm a truck driver, and when I found out, well a brother whom likes to add drama to things called me up... Long story short, I had to pull over lest something happen. And while negative at the time, it's actually a blessing, those that know with the exception of my mother are being supportive, but that can change should I go further with things. But they haven't yet, and honestly I gave caring about my mother a very long time ago.

Now, not everyone in my very large family knows but I'm no longer afraid of anyone finding out(other than my grandfather and uncle... My two favorite elders). I do maintain hope that those that are being supportive stay that way even after I step further out of the closet, but I'm unsure.

But I really don't think that at any point in time I was actually coping with things... I know that it was nearly a constant struggle with sanity. I know that I was miserable, I know that I almost never smiled... the few times I've actually smiled and meant it my face would get a tic like kurt russel in backdraft, but I do know that the more I let Allison out the easier It gets to smile and not get the tic.

fyi at a brothers wedding there is a full minute of the tic in action... on video.. it's really embarrassing...

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Erica, I think you know my situation well enough, but for the thread, I'm just a boring old cross dresser. I'm a dude whether I am dressed or not. I dress when I feel like but ultimately, being able to talk about it with my wife is what makes my situation workable. Putting a voice to this need with the one I married is more important than dressing itself. Without that, I think the stress would be greater and hence the need to relieve it, greater.

[Dana44]

Erica, I cross dress regular and many times switch back to male mode when I can still dress. I have always been a bit female and have now tried to gain that balance of when. I know who I am and enjoy the peace that it brings. Yet I have to do other things that take the male side of me and to support my mate. Fate has brought us to a new city and we can go out and do whatever. I would not let my daughters and other know. It is a secret between my mate and me. Well all of you now.

[Beverley Sims]

My background is similar to yours and I just get on with it...
Nothing to worry, stress otr cope with.

I just do it.

[Sarah Doepner]

Erica,

I'm still trying to figure out where I fit. I think I have my identity nailed down for a while and then things change under my feet. I'm pretty sure I'm a crossdresser and not on a path toward transition, but there were times when I thought I was just a guy who got off on wearing womens clothes every now and then. I was out to my wife, but she passed away almost two years ago and that put me back in the closet. I do go out to Tri-Ess meetings for social time and support and just returned a while back from a week in Las Vegas where I only left the room once in boy mode.

I don't really keep it under control. I used to think I was getting in touch with my feminine side and there are times now that she seems to be considering a hostile takeover. I've been putting off yardwork since I'm not out to the neighbors and family so I can't do it in a skirt and wearing forms. I'll get over it and do the job, but I get late starts. I don't hate being male, but I really like thinking and looking as if I might be female. Getting a handle on this is like loading jello with a pitchfork and at times it's not getting easier.

The yard is calling to me, it's the call of a jungle and I'm afraid what I might find out there. The only problem is I have to go into the closet to change and those voices are strong as well. I'll let you know if and when it all works out.

[Amy Lynn3]

Like one poster said. I am just a dude who wears clothing made for a woman. Do I do it all the time ? No. I don't even fully dress at all times. Sometimes I under dress, other times I don't. I just do what makes me happy for that day.....if I want to be all guy and do guy things, I do that for sure.

My point is, what makes me happy...makes me happy and well adjusted mentally, be it feeling like, wearing female cloths or being a guy in men clothing. As, I already stated, the only plateau I have is to be happy in whatever I do.

[Teresa]

Erica,
I have to agree with Gendermutt, I know we're all different but much of that is true ! Many of us think we want more but never knowing all the reasons ! I find as I satisfy one aspect the goal posts move and different thoughts and desires come along ! It's hard to satisfy a CDer so I don't believe there's an average one !
Most of my adult life I've tried to bury my CDing thoughts in work but that was just putting off the inevitable of accepting it, trying to catch up now is a little too late but It's going to be fun trying !

[Sarah-RT]

if i could click my fingers and live as woman only if made no affect to anything else, yes i think i probably would.

how i cope with my situation is that ill dress once or twice a week, i work late and have college in the mornings so either through exhaustion, lack of time or just laziness i wont dress daily but when i do its great, ive recently gotten to hang out doing it with two of my gay friends, just grabbing a few beers and watching a film.

in between all this though i think about crossdressing regularly, if it was anything else you could call it an obsession but i think its more inner confliction

[justmetoo]

For me, self acceptance was the key. I used to be a crossdresser, now I'm a happy dressser.
I dress when I feel like it, because I enjoy it and it expresses a side of me that I like. I'm also happy in male mode and do lots of things I enjoy that way, too. Balance is another key, in my opinion. Finding one's balance at any given time and place helps a lot.
And one more key is communication. Especially for those in relationships with SOs or spouses, but even for friendships and other relationships. Being able to be open and honest with at least some people.

I think once you reach some some self-acceptance and some balance it's not a matter of coping; it just is what it is. A matter of being, and of being oneself.

[pamela7]

i let my wife control my out-of-home dressing while she addresses her deep-seated childhood fears that are triggered by me being outed in the neighbourhood, but apart from that there's no control, I have no regard for whether me being in a dress upsets someone's sensibilities. I don't need to make-up much, unless like a woman would, for a special occasion, so mostly "man in a dress" is life here. This weekend I've even been circular sawing in a skirt and sandals, probably not the smartest thing but it was fun. It's time society lightened up, and a great change is here, at least in the uk, bright colours for men in clothes shops, there won't be any problems soon enough, it's game over for being in closets imho.

[Lorileah]

And for the others who deal with gender ID issues, how do you cope day to day. If you had the chance to have HRT would you do it if no one knew? I think for alot of people what holds us back is acceptance from others. Would you prefer to be female and dress as a male to be accepted, because that is what everyone expected you to be. Which in turn still makes you a crossdresser.

I don't understand this. But maybe because I decided that I had to live my life and not let others direct it. If you are on HRT, you should be under the care of medical professionals. Taking hormones is not something you do as a stop gap measure. They do have side effects. So if you wish to be accepted as male...be a male who crossdresses on occasion (or full time if you wish). Seems you want both sides of the fence here. Why take drugs for something you don't believe you need drugs for?

In my case it wasn't like a light went on and the world became unicorns and rainbows when I started HRT. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me because I had heard so many times here that estrogen was the magic elixir that made the sun shine. Maybe it is for some but having talked to other TS's it was not the miracle in and of itself. maybe I am the odd one...maybe I already had the levels to start with?

But I don't know any TS's who actually want to stay a guy and be a woman inside. (Never say never and always avoid always). It seems contradictory to me. In my mind it says "you need to talk to someone so you can work this out."

[Victoria Demeanor]

Erica, what a question for a Sunday. I would love to say that I’m just a normal, straight, married crossdresser, but wow I’m still really learning about myself. Like many this has been with me for as long as I can remember, but only recently in my later years in life have I really sat down to explore and figure it out. There are so many memories that when I thin k about it start to make sense. As I am trying to work this out with my wife, I have no idea what will be appeasing. When I finally let Victoria out, she came out screaming. I have tried to go slow and rein it I in, but that pink fog got so dense. Being on this site is helping, but how far I’ll ride this train not sure.
I know that I am a “type B” personality and I have lived as a strong “type A” pack leader. So a good portion of this is stress release and finding a way to be in some form myself.
I’m enjoying it, I think it’s good for me so there you half my short answer.

[Lily Catherine]

For all purposes I'm probably rather typical. I simply do not have many opportunities to dress (weekends at most) and thus have to make do with limited times first and foremost; it doesn't affect me adversely that I haven't dressed in a few weeks. The rest is up to my imagination which runs like mad when presented with a relevant stimulus. I am in a transparent closet of sorts; many of those I am out to are DADT and/or against the notion of CDing so I choose not to let it spill out too much. That said, I intend to get out of the house presenting as female as soon as I am up to scratch.

[Traceyjo]

I'm another one of your regular crossdressers and I manage to cope with it very well, mostly. My wife is the only other person who knows and she is cooperative in the sense that she allows me to enjoy the pleasure of dressing when she is not at home. Fortunately for me her work regularly takes her away every few weeks for 3-5 days and I take full advantage of that time. I would like to be able to dress at least once a week but I cope well with the longer periods of abstinence and appreciate the amount of opportunity I do have. The urge is always present but I also love my male life. The challenge will come when my wife gives up her work travel. I definitely would struggle to cope if I only have occasional short times to dress.
We have not discussed this but I do feel she does not want to deprive me of the enjoyment of this aspect of my life and will find a compromise