4,910 active members, I would love all of your perspectives on this subject

[Vikky]

Hi Erica
I am in a DADT arrangement so dressing is a bit limited but I make the lost of it. If my SO goes out even for an hour I will put on a bra and forms under my drab clothes.
If she is out for longer I will spend the time more fully dressed, but am not interested in make up so don't bother with that.
Its even better if she goes away for a few days,as next week, when Vikky gets plenty of time, but only in the home.
I can live with this, but would prefer more Vikky time around the house.
Vikky

[BillieAnneJean]

I am a very late beginner. I am a husband, father, and grandfather. I have responsibilities. Because crossdressing is a fun escape hobby like most hobbies are, it is easy for me to keep it in perspective. I can understand how for those who are gender ID involved, it isn't as easy. So for me I am able to do my gal thing and switch back to my real life. CDing validated my guy mode because I am now a guy who has a choice. I can now choose to be the husband and dad that my previously default and only choice male self could not consider. As a guy I do a lot of things and fall in to a very small percentage of the US population for what I choose as hobbies. Even fewer because I CD. No big deal but it shows how I like the concept of choice. Cding has freed me to be a guy by choice. Yes it is also the default I was given at birth but it has also become my first choice. I like being with my SO.
So crossdressing js kept in perspective for me because I got the easier role as a non gender identity and non sexual orientation crossdressing male. It is easier.

I crossdress because it is fun and creative and offers choices. For me it is street theatre. If you are ever along for The Grand Illusions OUT enfemme events you will see how I attempt to draw the crowd in to our theatre. Some nights I get them involved, having fun with our act. It's not very often that there is no response. We are becoming known in Grand Rapids and as we become known as a fun distraction we help open the doors to freedom for everyone. Not in a big way, I don't consider myself anything but a footnote in time. So Cding for me is kept in perspective because for me it is really just FUN.

My heart goes out to all those for whom crossdressing and gender identity is serious. I welcome you to our Group. I am in awe of your path through life.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

At 52, I consider myself too old to bother going through the cost of transitioning, and have come to good terms with what I am and how I am living. Its not easy, but now that I have everything in order mentally and emotionally, I feel I can live in either gender at any time...and especially at a time of my choosing. There is no longer any fear of who I am, of going out, or who might find out since I have made my life an open book. Thank you foir a very good question thread
Hugs
Beth

[AbigailJordan]

Erica, it sounds very much as though you're at a similar stage to me.. you don't particularly want to shout to the world "look at me.. and more importantly.. look at my shoes!!!!".. but at the same time a part of you really doesn't care anymore if people see you.. part of you is just waiting for someone to "challenge" your choice of clothing/jewellery..

I feel this way a lot myself.. I will happily browse the womens section of most stores (obviously away from my hometown) and just keep reminding myself.. they don't know me, who cares what they think. But then yes, we will still "tone down" our dressing to attract less attention. 5 days a week I'm a professional office worker in shirt and tie (underdressed to some extent of course).. 2 days a week I'm a guy who may or may not be wearing something that was originally designed for a woman to wear.

I find that as time goes on, I get more and more tired of having such a gorgeous wardrobe and not being able to wear any of it out without a full night plan. So I find myself being more adventurous in which items I will wear.. my consideration of what is "passable for a guy" seems to shift regularly and I want to push the "unisex" line as far towards feminine as possible.

[GenderCurious Andrea]

Hi Erica, I think to a point we all get frustrated with how we cope but at the same time we are all different. The beauty in hearing how everyone else copes is you can take what works for others and develop your own way to cope. I actually don't dress all that often but when I do I try to make it special I will take my time getting ready, do my nails and make slowly so as not to rush things. I will find a glamour magazine of some sort and try to recreate a look. I will set up a photo shoot and model for myself. Soon I'm hoping to go on a day trip or go out but it is the experience I get out of it not so much the want to do it all the time. If I had more time and money sure I would probably dress more but sometimes not dressing makes it that much more special when I do...

[MissTee]

Hey Erica, thanks fro the thought provoking question. I suppose I fit in the Joe crossdresser category. I have girl clothes and I like to wear them. That's about as complex as it gets for me. Not looking to transition, or go out or whatever. What helps me cope is: a) I have accepted that's what I like and it's OK, and b) I do it enough that I don't succumb to bouts of frustration driven by self-denial.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm really not sure that there is something that could be referred to as a 'regular crossdresser', as the reasons for crossdressing vary from person to person. Earlier in life I suppose that I could be grouped with all the others that had absolutely no idea behind my desire to dress up as a girl; but that has changed. However, even though I now know the reasons behind the desire, it doesn't change the feeling that I should do it. I only feel normal when dressed as a girl. I live alone, so no longer fight the urge, I just give in to it, and in short order, there is little other than the obvious physical structural differences that I notice occasionally once I have changed fully into female attire, wigs, jewelry, etc., not much really giving any feedback at all that I am male. As opposed to you, my brain (personality) remains the same no matter how I'm dressed; I feel no need to distance myself from feminine feelings or desires, or deny that I would feel just as comfortable in a female life, as the male one I have had. Women of course will object, and tell me of how hard their lives are in comparison. All I can say in response is, how hard it has been to go through life, every day, having to act the part of someone that I'm not. Now that's hard.
Now the question about having HRT if no one would know. Why? At this point in my life, what point would it serve? I cannot magically become in any way a normal female. I have no desire to live the life of an outcast, having much of society see me as a freak, as I did throughout my school years. No, no thank you. HRT is no wave of the magic wand. All it will do is cause potential health problems (alright, perhaps the one up side will be a decreased possibility of an enlarged prostate) and further complications in my already screwed up life.
Looking back on what my life has been, I'll have to make the best of what I have. As there is no cure at this time for crossdressing or transgender feelings, I'll manage to live out my life crossdressing as often as I can.

[PaulaQ]

In my case it wasn't like a light went on and the world became unicorns and rainbows when I started HRT. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me because I had heard so many times here that estrogen was the magic elixir that made the sun shine. Maybe it is for some but having talked to other TS's it was not the miracle in and of itself. maybe I am the odd one...maybe I already had the levels to start with?

I dunno, HRT had a profound effect on me, but I wouldn't say that the world became unicorns and rainbows for me. I felt "normal." I'd never felt that way before. Prior to starting HRT, I felt so freaking bad - anxiety, depression, self-loathing, body dysphoria - it was a nightmare. The anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds I was taking did nothing. HRT melted this stuff away. So you know, I felt a lot better - but it got me to "normal." Look - normal is actually kind of crappy sometimes - life is like that. It's just that every day wasn't a waking nightmare.

I know many people who do fine on HRT, but who never suffered the types of GD I did, and who didn't get such profound mental effects from it. The effects tend to be a lot more subtle for them, and sometimes take longer to have effect. I don't think we have any idea why this would be, but I don't think it makes either one of us more or less in need of transition than the other. So no, I don't think there was anything wrong with you. GD is weird, and we don't understand all of this.

The only thing HRT related that would, to me, suggest that someone wasn't trans was having the hormones induce symptoms along the lines of the ones I experienced, or other symptoms of direct or indirect gender dysphoria. If a person's brain completely freaks out when they start estrogen, I think it's possible that they may not be trans. None of this is proven or even well understood though. I've just observed all three outcomes. (Another point - some people I've spoken with don't get relief until they start an anti-androgen, in addition to estrogen.)

Anyway, I don't think your experience is any less real or valid than mine was. Just different.

[Marcelle]

Hi Erica,

Well, I guess for me it is about finding balance between my male and female sides and not in the sense they are two different people but two different expressions of the same person. It is clear to me now that I am a little further down the right side of the TG spectrum and presenting female feels right and on some days more so than presenting male but again, it also feels right presenting male (I know, very confusing). It is for this reason that I chose to disclose to family, friends and work that I am TG so I could balance between the two and present as I need (including soon . . . hopefully . . . at work). Does that make my gender identity confusing . . . in some ways yes as it can be emotionally draining to stay one gender over the other for a time but in other ways no, because I can find a sort of balance. Where will it lead? Unfortunately, I cannot answer that question yet.

Hugs

Isha

[Lacey New]

I am not sure I know what a plain old vanilla regular crossdresser is but maybe I am one. When I started experimenting with just lingerie in my teens, it was exciting and taboo and very, very, sexual. And while i fantasied about trying to be more feminine, dresses, hair, jewelry, shoes, etc, that was not possible because of environment, school, work, marriage, etc. even though it was not and still is not far from the back of my mind. However, over that same course of time, I sort of trapped myself by building a very male personna that for many years has been what and how I present to friends, family, associates , etc. I am comfortable in that role and would not give it up even though there is a secret part of me that is still my feminine side. So, over the course of may years, I have learned to keep the Lacey part of me tucked neatly away in a closet, only coming out when the timing is right. I must admit, finding this site helps and I am obviously out to my friends here on line and anonymously to a few SAs at places like Dress Barn. But other than thatI have come to realize, I cannot unwind the clock and become a different me without losing what I have so I am comfortable with how I am and how Lacey is as well.

[Curiosity666]

I would say that I also fall into the space of a "regular" crossdresser. A heterosexual male in all other regards except for the fact that I dress up sometimes. I usually only dress once a fortnight or so.

I don't do much to "cope". I don't underdress, and have never really wanted to.
I don't come home and immediately throw on a nightgown. I only dress when I'm going all out.
I don't keep shaven all the time. I only shave before a dressing session.

I do talk to other girls and browse forums on dressing, makeup, fasion ect.
Luckily, this is all I need. I don't do it to "cope" or "keep things under control". I'm perfectly happy and comfortable at the level I am

[Alice K]

Interesting and thought provoking question. How does one cope, two answers. The mind is a very powerful tool and it is possible to completely bury yourself for a very, very long time. The second is survival. In the current day there is much more acceptance of gender fluidity. In earlier, prehistoric times a teen with A strong feminine side that was ever displayed would put his health and well being at risk. And as you age the need to survive in the persona you have created becomes similar survival techniques. It is an awful shame isn't it... Not being oneself.
😢
Thank you for this thread and question.

Alice

[Chrissi]

Hi Erica, I would say that I am not just a crossdresser, I live between male and female, not really feeling a part of either.

I have seriously considered HRT for well over 20 years, and indeed, I am going to start talking with my doctor & therapist about this. I, however, wouldn't not consider HRT for fear of being discovered and not being accepted. My biggest holdback has been, and for a long time, the health issues and consequences. I fear the side effects and potential future issues to be concerning. I have in the past reconciled on the fact that since there are issues presenting that have kept me from going forward, then I am really not ready for that path. My need to be (more) completely female is not strong enough for me to discount those health concerns.

I have been okay with this for now. But I would be lying if I said going forward that I will still feel the same. My concerns are decreasing, and my internal feelings are increasing. Thus the want to discuss with my doctor and therapist. hugs
Chrissi

[Lacy PJs]

I'm one of those "regular" ones as well. But that may be in part because, given my size, I'd look pretty out of place in the great outside world. To me, dressing just feels good and is relaxing. I rarely venture out of the upstairs of our house and will never go beyond the front door... or back door either. But I'm OK with that... as well as just dressing in certain items from time to time like babydoll PJs, leotards, girl shorts & tank top and maybe some nylons & a leotard. No make-up, no large shoe collection, no large wig collection, just a few things that I like to wear from time to time that my better half is totally OK with.

Don't know if that answers your question but that's my perspective...

Lacy PJs

[Amy Fakley]

... Now I realize its about trying to make my brain accept who I am ...

That one sentence just strikes such a chord with me ... that lifelong nagging that something isn't right; that feeling of foreign-ness in my own skin ... the decades and decades of self-flaggelation because "why on earth would I do this and what is wrong with me, that it should feel so right?" ... slowly followed by the understanding that this is just me being myself (as strange as that sounds), and that in itself isn't "wrong" ...

I don't know what to do with it either.
Maybe if I could have understood in my 20s, instead of taking a lifetime to get here ... but that's not the way it unfolded for me.

Distractions do seem to help, if they're positive activities. I'll pour myself into music or programming, and sometimes it does provide relief from the stress that builds from constantly feeling you're just wrong in every possible way.

[Katey888]

Well Erica, you've found a new way of giving this question some perspective it hasn't had before... firstly for introducing the concept of 'regular crossdresser'... And as a consequence the answers of those who place themselves in that category are really, really interesting... so everything from Lacy PJ's at home partial dressing, to Lucy's all-out, going out dressing (and looking very nice doing it too, Lucy... ) I'd really like to see about 200 answers for a decent data sample - but I suspect most of our 4910 active members will be sleepers as usual... like mine will be post 41 from 486 members who have read it..

Perhaps you've just proved the anti-thesis here Erica: that there is neither a 'regular crossdresser' nor that there is anything particularly regular about crossdressing itself - contentious that might seem, but if you read enough here you see a lot of contradiction and confusion from folk, and while there is certainly some clustering of motivation and behaviour, there is also a lot of dissimilarity due to individual circumstances, environment, relationships, personality, etc. etc... and many individuals do tailor their behaviour to their situation. I don't see myself as a regular anything, really, but I choose to remain largely closeted, although I have got out occasionally. I have no desire to underdress and rarely partially dress anymore, and don't really express much feminine as a male, and while I have often tailored my dressing times to opportunity, I also have long periods of inactivity (like now) when I just don't feel the need. When I do feel the urge, I have to be very disciplined about times to maintain secrecy - that's a choice and it's only possible (I believe) as I don't have strong TG-tendencies... but I still believe that the idea of 'just a CDer' is a little disingenuous. We CD because of the underlying TGness - it just manifests itself to differing extents.

Now, if we can get another 150 replies, I might be tempted to spin up up a pie chart...

[Stephanie Julianna]

If there was an Academy "Award for Acting in Daily Life" many of us would be nominated. I've been acting as society as expected me to act most of my life. I have given into some of my feminine leanings by becoming a nurse, under dressing daily and allowing myself to be tender and caring with family, friends and patients. I love beautiful things such as women's clothes, jewelry and hairstyles and enjoy how they look and feel when I wear them. I also love the way they help me express the woman within. If society were different, I would dress true to my nature all the time. Since that will never happen in my lifetime, I remain the consummate actress and continue to enjoy the other privileges that society gives my as husband, father and grandfather.

[Allycttv]

Steph. So true. I just
St wish I was as good actress

[Suzanne F]

Erica
I thought cross dressing was the answer. I was wrong. It only hastened the day when I would have to finally accept who and what I was. I put my first estrogen patch on Monday evening after finishing the Boston Marathon. It was the last test I wanted to face as a male. It marked the end and the beginning. I have found acceptance from most including my wife and children. See my post in TS section about my wife and beginning HRT.

I don't think HRT will solve all my issues. It does mark another step in accepting myself. Since it has only been a few days I cannot tell you anything about the effects. I do know I was jubilant when I placed the first patch on my skin.

Suzanne

[Erica Marie]

Of the 1/3rd of the members who took the time to read my post, and the 1/100th who replied, I want to say thank you for taking time give your perspective. Its nice to know how similar so many of us are.

[Erika Lyne]

Hey Erica,

I do not know where I fit and labels don't suit me as well as some.

I frequently dream in first person female but I dress as I see and feel fit. I am not happy in male mode and do not "deal with it well." I am not satisfied at my female persona either. Androgyny is not my thing, just the same.

Lost? Yup, you can say that. The most emotionally comfortable I am is when I'm dressed in female mode. Oddly enough though, I don't tend to dress anymore than I fit a need to. Most anyone would not get all dressed up in any mode if they were aligned right if there were no need. IE: a real housewife doesn't actually dress like June Cleaver, more likely would be dressed in jeans or yoga pants and a t-shirt. Many of us dress at any opportunity to fill a need, the need to dress. As of right now, I have been alone in a hotel room for hours, with a mix of male and female under things on, nothing more. Not emotionally satisfied, nor emotionally upset--just existing. It is not that I do not have clothing with me. Quite the contrary, I have 2 full female outfits, 2 male outfits, 4 pairs of shoes (break down of pairs of shoes: 1 heels, 1 men's dress shoes, 1 sneakers, 1 flats) both male and female gym clothes, male and female swim wear, female satin pink leopard print PJs, as well as socks, nylons, female underwear, toiletries and a few other things. I wear a Pandora bracelet, carry a Tinkerbell women's wallet in a very male work uniform and carry a different female wallet even in daily male mode. I carry a backpack purse in the winter with my men's leather jacket and wear a Tinkerbell sweatshirt under the jacket regularly. I rarely dress out of the house because I don't think I'd pass and worry about safety, mine and my family's.

I have anger issues (not physically violent) that I believe stem from gender identity issues. Although not clinically evaluated, I seem to follow suit with many gender dysphoric emotional misgivings stated on this site and in many other places as well.

Curiously, I recently took several personality tests/gender identity tests online. Every test result was further along the "possible transsexual" to "late stage transexual" than I had ever imagined. More emotionally female by a large margin and personal acceptance as the biggest psych issue.

As I already stated, I dream in the first person female. I wake and in that in-between state I still think I am female. It is when I fully wake that the world comes crashing in and realize my dream of being happy with myself is just that, a dream. The reality of being born male comes on like a freight train and the façade goes back up. The lie to the world continues.

Would I switch genders of I could without hurting others? Most definitely. Do I feel I could pass as a woman? Most unlikely--I just don't have the experiences growing up as a woman. The best I could do is mimic one and with that, I mimic a male persona better...more experience.

So, where do I fit? No where and everywhere. How do I deal? I just exist. Never happy, just frustrated.

Great thread. Very interesting to see how everyone else feels.
-E

PS: background--started dressing and realized I was different at age 4. Out with wife, kids, in-laws and about a dozen other people, mostly women.
I got wordy again...didn't I?

[Christen]

Hey Erica,
I think I plonk myself in the 'regular crossdresser' category, except as a few would have said, "there ain't no such thing". However I am happy with who/how I am. Having said that I accept that I'm transgendered and that have a place somewhere between blokey-bloke and girly-girl. Probably somewhere around the middle. I don't have any desire to get in to HRT or go full time but I am happy to be able to show the world the two facets to me.
How do I cope? By accepting that this is me and in either 'mode' it's a legitimate expression of who I am.
Tip - live your life, not the one others expect of you or indeed the one you think they expect of you.

Christen x

[Jayne]

Hi Erica
I started dressing as young as 7
I did not know why but it was exciting to wear tights shoes bra and undies.
As I got older I kept it hidden but bought stockings underwear and nail polish to wear with sandals and heels.
I got married and when I was less heavy went through a period of wearing my wife's dresses when she was out.
One day I showed her, she was not happy but we worked through it and now we are OK with home dressing from time to time.
I used to get excited sexually then be ashamed, I would purge and try hard to stop, it did not work.
It just cost me a fortune in shopping trips.
As I have got older ( I am 55 now) I am more relaxed in my male self and when dressed as a woman.
I no longer get sexually aroused when I dress as a woman (that stopped in my early days) but enjoy the freedom I feel when dressed in women's clothing.
I shave all body hair in the winter months and enjoy wearing makeup and a wig to look as near to being a woman as I can manage.
I do not want to be a woman and don't thing I ever did at any time in my life.
I love to emulate women, I believe I am a crossdreser regular or not is for you to decide.

Jayne xx

[LucyNewport]

Erica I think we are quite alike on how we approach the trans. I too suffer from pretty rough GID. It comes and goes. When my gender moon is on the rise it is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last think at night. Strange as it seems to me, my disphoria re asserts itself whenever things are going well. When I've been stressed at work (or out of work) and during major events and crises it moves to the background. It's always there but not as intrusive.

I've been trying to integrate my two selves for a while now with mixed results. Talking to friends about it is one part. Being visibly more Lucy is another. There are limits to how far I take it. Plucked eyebrows and shaved legs yes, totally femme hair no (my 5-head rules that out lol). My male side is not super manly though. I kinda dress like a schlub - hoodies and jeans for the most part. My lady wardrobe is far more professional!

If not for the familial obligations I would probably be on HRT. I may yet still. It's a big scary step to take and I have always backed off when I've considered it in the past.

[Dana L]

Erica, it sounds like we're very similar. I have gender ID issues. I feel like I'm in the wrong body. I too feel I have to live up to the gender I'm known as, husband, son, father, brother and the guy next door or at work. I too have let my hair get quite long and keep my body free of hair. Many of my clothes are female but pass as male. My wife is acceptant of my female side and somewhat supports it. I have started HRT and someday would like to have SRS. But I want the SRS more for me than to show the world I'm a woman. Let's face it no matter what the plumbing is downstairs or if the "girls" are real or forms, you can present the same. I need it for me. When I take my clothes off and get into my bath I need to look down and see the body I should have had. If I were to wake up tomorrow and I was totally female, I would still dress mostly male for world to see. Someday That won't be the case. Eventually my male side will gone and Dana will be who everyone knows me as. For now the ones I love are more important to me than I am to me.