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Thread: In the women's restroom

  1. #1
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    In the women's restroom

    What if you do when you're in a women's restroom and a real woman asks you if you are a man ?

  2. #2
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    This has never happened to me. Of course, I take care of my business and leave, no loitering. It strikes me as a very bold question to ask. What I mean is, it is like asking a woman if she is pregnant. You had better be right or embarrassment ensues. The easiest answer, if that question were to ever be asked is, "Not any more." I promise that will shut down any questioner.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Adelaide's Avatar
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    I agree with Jennifer's suggestion "not any more"! This has never happened to me. But I did get quite a few positive comments on my long hair!

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    Silver Member DanaR's Avatar
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    I've never been asked that, but have had some positive conversations; which carried over after we walked out of the restroom.
    Dana Ryan

  5. #5
    Member DorothyElizabeth's Avatar
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    What a surprisingly personal question! My immediate response would be to reply, "No. Are you?"
    "We don't see things as they are; we see things as we are." Anais Nin

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    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    I've had smiles, even the occasional "hello" "Hi", but really............... if they had to ask, I would recommend they see an optician.
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

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    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Frankly, I see no situation that would prompt such a question. It would be terribly embarrassing to the questioner if she insulted a GG by asking such a question. Many women would take great offense and I think that I would do the same.
    Eryn
    "These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
    "She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
    "Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]

  8. #8
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenniferathome View Post
    The easiest answer, if that question were to ever be asked is, "Not any more." I promise that will shut down any questioner.
    ^perfect!
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  9. #9
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    Hi Daniela,

    I agree with the others and can say from experience that it has never happened to me. I think it comes down to the fact that even if you look overtly male, the concept of being TS/TG is quite known to many and most women may believe your somewhere along the transition path. So if the question is raised . . . Jennifer's response is perfect to remove any doubt. So long as you go in, do your thing, wash your hands and leave, you should have little trouble.

    Hugs

    Isha

  10. #10
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    Your best bet is to leave the restroom. Its neat that y'all have never been harassed in a public restroom, but this does actually happen fairly often. Passing privilege avoids it, but not everyone has it. And if you don't believe that a mother with a young daughter with her in a restroom can react with great hostility if she perceives someone to be male in the women's restroom, then you are kidding yourselves.
    http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.ed...mss-june-2013/
    In the survey above, 70% of the trans respondents were harassed in a public restroom.

    BTW, if you still think this is a trivial matter, many states are trying to pass legislation to criminalize trans access to public restrooms. Texas, where I live is one of them. If the law here passes, we could be fined up tto $2000 and spend a year in jail for using the women's room. Practically speaking, they'd never get me, as a cop who for some reason questioned me in a restroom would likely look no further than my ID, which says F. For a CD, though, y'all could be arrested. A number of trans people are lobbying to kill these horrible laws around the US.

    @Isha - 7% of the US population knows someone who is openly trans. We are not understood or trusted by many. Good luck with relying on the kindness of strangers!

    All of this stuff is highly location dependent. In Dallas, gender identity & expression are protected, and you have a right to use gender appropriate facilities that match your expression. In small towns outside of a metropolitan area - good luck with that!
    Last edited by PaulaQ; 04-21-2015 at 04:04 AM.

  11. #11
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    I'd say: "Are you?" Usually they just want to borrow "something" if you know what I mean.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  12. #12
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    I am with Paula as this is a very dangerous thing. The best thing to do in a situation like this to me is clam up, give them a look like "you are asking me what?", and hightail it out of there. There are no good jokes or confrontational things to say and your voice may make it worse (depending on the person). You hesitate and you are there with the person, then a security guard or manager, then whatever people like to play flash mob and join in. The bathroom isn't the place to win this battle. The courtrooms and congress is. Be safe ladies.

  13. #13
    Member BOBBI G.'s Avatar
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    Jennifer,
    For me that is the perfect answer. I have been in transition for just shy of two years. Never happened, and being task oriented, don't leave a lot of unused time in the facility.

    Bobbi

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaulaQ View Post
    Your best bet is to leave the restroom. Its neat that y'all have never been harassed in a public restroom, but this does actually happen fairly often . . . BTW, if you still think this is a trivial matter, many states are trying to pass legislation to criminalize trans access to public restrooms . . . Isha - 7% of the US population knows someone who is openly trans. We are not understood or trusted by many. Good luck with relying on the kindness of strangers!
    Hi Paula,

    I don't think anyone is arguing the fact that someone could call you on it in the bathroom. However, most here are just saying it has not happened to them but your point is valid. Definitely a woman may/could approach someone who looks mannish and say "Hey are you really a woman?" but I truly believe this would be the exception and not the rule but yes, it could happen. So the question is what do you do then? Your options are limited . . . You could as you suggest, just leave or you could just say yes . . . with the exception of holding you down to verify your private parts . . . it can never be proven or disproven (not mention this would constituted assault). You are indeed correct that a person has to exercise due diligence in understanding what the law states. If you are protected by gender identity laws in place then you are doing nothing wrong and even if the police are called nothing can be done as you are not breaking the law. However, if you are not sure what the laws are or know you are not protected . . . then exercising caution by using a unisex bathroom or leaving if challenged is probably the wisest course of action. BTW the Canadian Senate is trying to tack a "bathroom clause" on a TG rights Bill which would prevent all TG from using the bathroom of their target gender unless they have had complete SRS (ID would not work in this case unless you have a letter stating you are complete). It is unlikely this will pass but should it, then I will be denied access to ladies restrooms in all buildings under Federal jurisdiction including airports.

    Hugs

    Isha

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member msniki48's Avatar
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    Jen,

    I love your answer....hugs

  16. #16
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    PaulaQ injects reality into this thread. Challenging someone or worse, being a smart ass is a good way to get the police or worse, a big burly husband called on you. "Not any more" only works if you look like a woman and are actually transitioning. Even then it could lead to trouble depending on the area and the situation. And you had better say it in a feminine sounding voice.

  17. #17
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I have used many women's restrooms and never once has anyone given me a second look nor presumed to ask any such question. I've engaged in some small talk at the mirror, but no such conversations ever happened.
    The years to come seemed waste of breath,
    A waste of breath the years behind

  18. #18
    Just a touch of class Lynn Marie's Avatar
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    In clubs on Friday night, there's no problem at all in the ladies bathroom. In fact, it's a great place to yak with the local girls. At a mainstream restaurant, I'm in and out quickly, mouth kept shut, and busy bathrooms avoided.

  19. #19
    Silver Member I Am Paula's Avatar
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    It might just be a Canadian thing (very polite you know) but the only comment I've gotten in better than 20 years is 'Nice purse'.

  20. #20
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    I've always wondered which restroom the "dude in a dress" (the guy with a beard and bald head but women's clothes and breast forms) uses. There are several on this forum but none have ever answered the question.

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    I have used some variant on "I was, I'm getting better" when I've been hit with that rudeness.
    One of my best day's ever
    I was out shopping, and saw a mom & little girl, the girl was staring, and pointed, I could see mom shake her head and bring the girls hand down and whisper something to her.
    OK - a moment later I hear a tiny "excuse me" from the side & down
    I look and there's the little girl, and about ten feet away the mom looking embarrased
    "mom said it was rude to ask, but are you a boy or a girl"
    Well honey it's not nice to leave your mom when you are supposed to stay with her, and I haven't decided if I'm a boy or a girl
    "you should be a girl, it's a lot more fun"
    Thank you, that's good advice
    The mom was nice, I thanked her for raising a nice kid

  22. #22
    Senior Member michelleddg's Avatar
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    Nothing new to add, but to reinforce the old:

    o I do not loiter, I use unisex whenever possible, look for restrooms with little traffic, etc.
    o I have never been confronted
    o A smart ass response is about the worst advice imaginable. No confrontation, no escalation. I suspect I'd make a pouty face and vamoose.

    Hugs, Michelle

  23. #23
    Transgender Member Dianne S's Avatar
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    Wow, that's never happened to me. I would simply say "No" and continue going about my business.

  24. #24
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by I Am Paula View Post
    It might just be a Canadian thing (very polite you know) but the only comment I've gotten in better than 20 years is 'Nice purse'.
    Paula might have a point here - while I may have gotten the odd, quizzical look at times when using the ladies' washroom in "Leslie" mode, I have never, ever been made to feel uncomfortable there. On the contrary, I have received the occasional smiles or even a cheerful "Hi!" when making eye contact with GG washroom users, and more than once have been directed to a stall that had just opened up in an unexpected gesture of kindness when standing in line at a busy time such as during the intermission at a theatre event. But if ever I were to be confronted and asked outright if I was actually a man, I would use a variant of jennifer's phrase and default to the standard response that Ann Landers used to recommend when someone posed an inappropriate question: "Why on Earth would you ask me that?", and thereby deflect it right back at them.

    That said, I once had a GG in the stall next to me ask if I could pass some toilet paper to her under the partition as she had just run out (apparently, this happens quite often in womens' washrooms and is no "biggie" to them). I wonder if supreme gratitude would have trumped discomfort in her case, had she realized that it was actually a crossdresser who had provided this vital ("life-saving"? ) service to her. More recently, I was surprised to hear a a baby cooing and giggling at what appeared to be right outside my door as I was doing my business. When I emerged, it was clear that "Mommy" had momentarily parked the infant's stroller outside her own cubicle which was directly across from mine as she hastily ducked inside to also relieve herself when nature suddenly called.

    Discretion being the better part of valor, I quickly high-tailed it out of there in the event that this might have gotten awkward had she come out of her stall while I was still there, but at the same time, I couldn't help smiling to myself that this scenario probably represented the paranoid "bathroom transphobes' '" worst nightmare. Funny thing is, though - neither the "tranny" - nor the dingo, for that matter ) stole the baby...
    Last edited by Leslie Langford; 04-21-2015 at 11:48 AM.

  25. #25
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    Ahh.... the ever debatable bathroom thread.

    I am one of those that also has never been questioned while using the facilities. In fact I don't know if I have ever been spoken to in the restroom at all, ever, about anything.

    So.... what would I do if asked? Hmm.... I honestly don't know. I don't like the idea of saying nothing and leaving, for those you wanting to avoid confrontation, leaving the scene sort of implies guilt. But answering their question.... doesn't really seem like me either. It is quite the personal question. Not a question I would ever go and ask someone. Thus I suppose I would probably tell them that it is a rude question and it is really none of their business.

    But.... I do like Jennifer's response as well.

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