Misinformation

[Chris_Cross]

Thanks for that recent Q&A thread ReineD. At the risk of repeating something I feel must have been said somewhere at this forum, the untruth about "every crossdresser transitions or wants to" is harmful misinformation that espoused way too frequently and loudly from people who should know better, like people in this forum. The untruth about the undeniable desire of all CDers to transition is tremendously harmful to non-transitioning CDers who are trying to eduate their loved ones. One of the immediate, and understandable, fears from spouses is does my husband want to be a women? For a vast majority of the worlds CDers, the evidence I have seen is that this is simply not true. At the same time, folks holding this view are typically directly effected by transitioning, and are seen by CDer's spouses as somewhat of an authority, if only becuase of the shared interest between CDers and TSers of wearing women's clothes. And, it is certainly undeniable that people who transition typically go through phases of self-discovery that may outwardly appear to be the same phases a CD might go through (starting with a few items, passing, out in the world, female name, etc.). It is completely understandable a women would hear that opinion from someone effected by a transition and beleive it wholesale.

If you are someone espousing this viewpoint, first I'll say that I admire the guts it must take to deal with those challenges, and I am on your side. But please consider that you might be feeding misinformation that is making it hard for people, ones with whom you should feel a kindred spirit and who are much more likely than the rest of the world to support you, to educate their own friends and family.

[pamela7]

i agree, i felt initially like the consensus here was that the slide to TS was inevitable, but gradually i met more and more folk for whom that is not true. I reckon most here are "boring, straight CD" to quote one or two, and it's difficult to know what's going to happen if/once the "pink fog" happens. Men who want to express their full selves will want to wear dresses sometime in their life, they're still men though.

[Tracii G]

I think most of what she said were her own fears showing thru.

[Dutchess]

Actually we need more people like you two to speak out . It could very well prevent many CD-ers to accept just that and NOT disappear into the pink fog or mistakenly transition into a lonely shallow life.
I ( over the years ) have seen a tremendous one-upmanship of people who have transitioned or are close to or are planning too , just rake on CD-ers .

Chiding them on how fake they are ,
They aren't femme enough,
If you REALLY were serious about this you'd transition , or the "your fooling yourself and your family ,, you are trans and don't know it , you must dump said family ASAP ( because they will understand if they REALLY love you) , transition and be WILDLY HAPPY !!!"..

Jeez I've seen it all including the unhappy endings of people who did transition . Who were really just plain CD'ers .
I can see how a CD-er can get lost in the fog with all that going on .

As for Reine , I don't know her to be afraid of much of anything .. I think she was laying it out on the table . Unless I am misunderstanding something here .

[cheryl reeves]

i had a online penpal yrs ago that got caught up in the pink fog,i told her to slow down for she was a plain ol cder,but the ts's got the best of her and she transitioned and later regretted it. i know im ts but dont care at all to transition,i kinda got used to my double life of being a duel cder,mtf and ftm.

[docrobbysherry]

Use me as an example, CrissCross.

When I began dressing 17 years ago all I could think about was transitioning. But, for the last 5 years, it has never entered my mind! I simply enjoying dressing up.

Altho, referring to Sherry as a, "boring, straight, crossdresser", as Pam mentioned, mite offend her!

[Dutchess]

^^^^ you are HARDLY boring .

[Rhanda]

I've never felt any pressure from anyone to be more than what is satisfying to me personally. But then I want to express encouragement for all here to continue your own personal quest and to find the degree that is most satisfying to you.

If we meet someday at some event I hope that my presentation offers some semblance of femininity. After all that is why we have these events. When the event is over I will gladly go back to my usual position of enjoying being a beautiful man.

Rhanda

P.S. The only reason that I use a female name is to provide cover. I have no desire to be called Rhanda by people that I do business with. Ever.

[JennykBailey]

Just my two penneth, I am a crossdresser who has no intention or desire to transition to be a woman. I love dressing up and presenting as female, I don't know why, but it just makes me very happy. If I am in a pretentious mood I say it is an art form, but mostly I say it's just because I like to look prettier now and again, and love putting on lovely frocks etc.

[Jaylyn]

I agree whole heartedly with your statement. I feel the one reason my wife has been accepting of my Jaylyn time has been because I am still her manly man 90% of the time. When I need to be even 100% of the time. I have reassured her over and over that I am merely a CD. I tell her I just find enjoyment in wearing the attire especially when I'm stressed or when I need to escape the world around me. I've explained many times that I love the feel of the smoothness of the nylons on my legs, the slinky ness of a particular dress the joy it brings to me of wearing heels and feeling the dress rub against my panty hose. I had a harder time time explaining why I wanted to wear my dark red lipstick and have my nails and toes painted. Only reason I could give for that was that I just enjoyed it and it seemed to go with what I was wearing.
Her main question about it all was how far I would go? I assured her I did not want to be a woman.... To only dress and feel like one from time to time. Believe me it is hard to explain the why's we enjoy this. I am not going to change sex, I actually love being her man. I love my wife enough also to accept it if she said DADT or even if she said never do that again. I would miss my time as Jaylyn but I would shut that part of me down. I practically do anyway during hunting season and when I'm out in the field working or fishing. I do some under dressing to calm the beast within but I believe I could live without any of the dressing if my wife asked me too. I sometimes wish that transitioning wasn't associated with those of us that only enjoy the cross dressing. I wish that the public understood that if a guy just wanted to wear a certain type of clothing that it doesn't mean that he is bi, transitioning, or even gay but just that he is comfortable in wearing the smooth, sensitive feelings that a certain garment produces for him. I wish that men's fashions weren't so different than women's and could enjoy the clothing and even the makeup that makes me feel the things mentioned above.

[becky77]

You can't become TS, you are born TS.

I have always known but didn't know what the problem was, main issue being with most TS is that it either takes a very long time to admit it and face down the fear or they are so full of denial it isn't apparent. I would say I fit both of those.

To be TS is to be female in identity, to think like a woman, spending the majority of your life struggling to fit in with other males because that's what your supposed to do, if you have never questioned your inner gender identity, are happy with being male at least most of the time and like your masculinity, then very likely you are not TS. Of course the above is generalising and there are many variations.

Now there are a fair few folks that are not female identified but who do relate to looking and dressing female and they transition, sometimes these are the ones that mess it up as it's not what they expected.
I would strongly suggest therapy for anyone considering transition as pink fog is exceptionally potent, the fantasy is nothing like the reality.

The saying: What's the difference between a CD and TS? 2 years. Is utter rubbish. This will never happen. What does happen is that some people that have no idea they are TS or at least Trans enough to take it fulltime, come looking for answers and find them, then progress.
No male identified (as in happy to be male and see themselves that way most of the time) will ever want to transition unless they are ridiculously deluded or drowning in pink fog.

TS is not a CDer that has taken it to the next level, this is a myth.

[Isabella Ross]

Being in the same camp as Jenny Bailey and Jaylyn, I also enjoy my life as a man. And I do find that the public's growing awareness and understanding of transgenderism tends to be skewed towards transitioning -- case in point, the Bruce Jenner situation just leads people to believe that any man who wants to feel feminine for part of his life must automatically want to transition. While this is true for some, I truly believe they are the minority, and that I am part of the (misunderstood) majority.

[Samantha Clark]

I couldn't have said it better than Jaylyn. The trouble I see is that we do not have a common language, and words are used imprecisely. It would be ideal if we, and the rest of society, could all communicate clearly in a way that makes gender identity distinct from gender expression. My gender identity is male, but my gender expression is both masculine and feminine. I'm CD. A TS would have feminine gender expression, coupled with female gender identity. A very different kettle of fish in my opinion.

Unfortunately, the generic term "transgender" is being coopted by association solely with transsexual. That leaves "mere" CDrs in a no man's land [sic!].

[Shelly Preston]

The one thing I know about being part of this forum for a long time. We don't have a one size fits all answer.

However,

Dressing can be a part of transition process.

Transition is not part of a Dressing process.

[Sandie70]

In reading the comments on this thread, I'm reminded of what some gays and lesbians think about those who identify as bi-sexual. They think those who do so are simply lying and in a state of denial - surely they must be gay and just don't want to admit it.
Here, I sense that some have the same attitude about crossdressing... the idea that all crossdressers secretly want to transition but won't admit it.
Well, I cannot in any way speak for a single other person... but, I can speak for myself.
When I dress, I want to be a woman. I want to pass.
I wouldn't mind spending most of my time living as a woman.
But I would not transition. My choice.
But that in no way changes how I feel about letting my feminine side present itself.
The world is not simply black and white - and neither is the world of crossdressing.

[LucyNewport]

The saying: What's the difference between a CD and TS? 2 years. Is utter rubbish. This will never happen.

I'm guilty of repeating this bit on another thread in a joking manner and I probably should have left it out.

On further reflection, I think my perspective on this issue is a bit skewed for couple reasons. I tend to move in more TS-oriented circles. Over the years I have gotten to know a large number of transitioners, a handful of whom swore up and down that they were CD when we first met. Now it could be they were always repressed TS's. Or the CDs who hang out in gay bars in village have one foot out the door already. Or it could be that they progressed from one state to the next because of some triggering life event. I really don't know.

The other reason is very personal. I can see myself transitioning. Every so often I make tentative steps in that direction. I have not gone through with it, because I find the idea terrifying, and my dysphoria has never been acute enough to overcome my fear of losing all that I love. So my standard response when asked has always been "I'm a CD" even if deep down I know that isn't the whole story. I do dislike being a "man" though - always have. So, I will take my place over in no-man's land.

Lucy

[DanaR]

................................. ,, you are trans and don't know it , you must dump said family ASAP ( because they will understand if they REALLY love you) , transition and be WILDLY HAPPY !!!"................................. .

This is one of the things that I have never understood, dumping your family; which seems to happen often.

[Beverley Sims]

Sherry,
You are not boring and who knows what straight is any way.?

Is there a straight text book published?

Many of us "straight" cross dressers, fantasise about transitioning and some do take the journey.

Again the decision is a personal one as to what you do with your lives.

Reading comments on this or any forum may influence a decision either way at any time.

[Sarah Doepner]

I don't think its all misinformation. It's a lack of information or maybe unbalanced coverage of the community we are part of. Until crossdressers get a percentage of media attention that is comparable to their make up in the Trans* community, that expectation of CDs moving on to transition will be the general publc expectation. As it stands now there are 10 or 20 or more TS stories for any honest, respectable coverage of a crossdresser. That means not counting coverage of a bankrobber in a dress and wig, or is a celebrity or fraternity jock only doing it to raise money for charity or is a story about a drag queen with a heart of gold. But crossdressers try their best to stay out of the spotlight, so it's very difficult to find stories that fit the news directors bill. The story "Local Crossdresser Did his chores before hiding in the bedroom to try on that cute new skirt." isn't going to make it on 20/20 like the Jenner interview. Somehow those other dull stories will have to be known if there is any promise for crossdressers to be seen, understood and accepted.

[PaulaQ]

I'm not sure who is saying every crossdresser will eventually transition. That's obviously ridiculous.

I apologize if anything I've said has given that impression. I think it's clearly false. I think more of you will transition than would in the general population - quite a lot more. But it's still a small minority within the forum - maybe 10% tops. I think that's still more than some would like to admit, as I've seen a number of people come forward with the notion that there's some sort of a clear cut way of predicting who will and who won't transition. As best I can tell, no such thing exists.

The comparison to the erasure of bisexuality in the gay community is a good one, and I try to be sensitive to this. Look, there is frequently a phase where gay people identify as bisexual for a time, until they come to terms with their sexual orientation. This is a real thing. Unfortunately, it leads some in the gay community to conclude that bisexuals simply don't exist. Nothing could be further from the truth.

This is much the same between CDs and some of us who transition - some of us go through a phase that looks very much like CDing. This doesn't alter the fact that many people are simply male identified crossdressers, and that's all they will ever be. I completely agree with this line of thinking.

I will say that anyone who is in transition and encourages someone else to transition because "they aren't femme enough" or some other ridiculous bullshit like that is simply irresponsible. Anyone who does this to gain status in some transgender group is insane. So I hope those things aren't common - because that would be abhorrent.

So I am wondering who is actually saying this, because I haven't observed this, and I've definitely never said all of you will transition. I simply don't believe the rather common counterpoint I have heard quite a number of CDs here - "No CD transitions! Only transsexuals do!" and while this is accurate, it presumes that just because someone says "I'm a CD, I'll never transition", that this is the reality for them. Unfortunately, it isn't always, as any number of folks here who said "I'm a CD, I'll never transition" but who subsequently have transitioned can now attest.

I guess I could shut up about this if people wanted. I mention it mainly because I read Helen Boyd express disappointment that she was told CDs almost never transition - and yet Betty did. She felt she was lied to by the community.

I am sorry if this increases marital strife for anyone, though. It's quite an inconvenient situation for us all, I know this from painful firsthand experience.

BTW, I've yet to meet someone who I thought transitioned out of the pink fog. I guess that can happen - I've probably seen something like it more frequently in the FtM community, where the barriers to entry tend to be lower than for MtF's. (You have to wonder about someone who starts taking hormones, and their symptoms of dysphoria actually increase.) I have known people who have de-transitioned for various reasons.

I mostly encounter people who are terrified to go forward with a transition, even if they really need to. I've never met so many people who've attempted suicide because they felt it was the only way out. So I've always assumed the barrier to entry for us MtF's who transition is pretty high. Gosh, it would've been nice to have been in a social situation where I felt I could've transitioned "on a lark, lost in the pink fog," as I didn't especially enjoy my own suicide attempt before I began my own transition.

I'm not sure that I agree that regret is always a reliable indicator that someone shouldn't have transitioned. Trans people face terrible discrimination, and some of us have incredibly difficult lives post transition. We get all the problems women get, compounded by being trans, and any other issues we might have - race, economic status, etc. It is entirely possible to be more comfortable in your own skin, and still hate your life because the world around you is so hostile. Some of us in the community do our best to stand up against this. I'm not sure what else can be done about it. The cold hard truth is that some of us are just screwed no matter which course we might choose.

Anyway, if anyone feels I have stated that I think you are all going to transition, please PM me about it, or point me to statements of mine that say that, and I'd be happy to explain what I meant, or to apologize for the miscommunication.

(BTW, I don't mean to be egocentric about all this - but I think I am one of the more frequent posters on the CD side of the forum who has transitioned. So I'd assume that if there is someone perceived to be saying this a lot, it would likely be me.)

Oh, one last thing - I agree with Sarah Charles - CDs are simply invisible in our society. If most cisgender people really understood how many of you there were, they'd crap. The only way you can counter this is to come out, and to be visible. I get laughed at by some when I suggest this, but look, I'm not suggesting anything I don't do myself. Do you think I couldn't go stealth? I can assure you that I could absolutely do this. I choose not to do this because so many around me will never have this option, so why should I get it either? I feel it's my duty to stand up, tell my story, and make the world know that women like me are real, and that we deserve to be treated with dignity.

BTW, not everyone has to be an activist, taking it on the chin like I do sometimes. Even writing to your state representative, complaining about anti-trans legislation can be an enormous aid to our cause, and help y'all in the process. You don't have to be out to help, although again, if you want public awareness and acceptance, you need to be visible. People have to know you, or they will never understand you.

[ReluctantDebutant]

Thank you PaulaQ for the apology. But this isn't about you or any single poster on this board it is about a prevailing myth that is out there about CDers that we will all transition one day. It is not said often so matter-of-factly as "All CDers will transition one day". No it is done via more indirect comments like

"I'm not sure who is saying every crossdresser will eventually transition. That's obviously ridiculous." Thank you

followed by this:

"I think more of you will transition than would in the general population - quite a lot more. But it's still a small minority within the forum - maybe 10% tops. I think that's still more than some would like to admit, as I've seen a number of people come forward with the notion that there's some sort of a clear cut way of predicting who will and who won't transition. As best I can tell, no such thing exists."

"I have heard quite a number of CDs here - "No CD transitions! Only transsexuals do!" and while this is accurate, it presumes that just because someone says "I'm a CD, I'll never transition", that this is the reality for them. Unfortunately, it isn't always, as any number of folks here who said "I'm a CD, I'll never transition" but who subsequently have transitioned can now attest."

and this:

"I mention it mainly because I read Helen Boyd express disappointment that she was told CDs almost never transition - and yet Betty did. She felt she was lied to by the community."

this is Not Helping.
While you are factually correct, continuing to bring up instances of CDers who transition undermines the main fact that most Cross-dresser will not transition. to put it another way imagine someone saying this:

"A majority of transwomen will not be part of the sex industry. But from my own experience there's a lot of Tranny-porn out there." or "Not all blacks are criminals but they do make up a majority of the prison population"

Do you see how the important fact of the first part is undermined by the second. I know you have good intention, you don't want the minority and their SOs to be blindsided the day they realize they need to transition. You don't want to leave your transisters behind in the gender limbo that is CDing.

But such statements leave the dangerous specter of doubt in the minds of many of CDer's SO as well as the CDer themselves. That doubt can form a crack in the foundation of an otherwise stable relationship. That crack grows as the predictable progression of CDing can be seen by the SO as moving closer and closer to womanhood. The SO may panic and shut down parts or all of the CDing activity out of fear of waking up next to a girlfriend in the future. There are many scenarios but living a life of fear or doubt about the future that as a small chance of happening isn't healthy for an individual or couple. How can the CDer's own assurances that it will never happen be trusted when anecdotes of the guy who said "Never!" but did, prevail in the Media and on sites like this? It is seeing post like this and ReineD's that help reassure us and our SO's.

As for CDer's taking to the streets it is unlikely. Much of Cding is done in private for various reasons.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Chriss, That's the last thing that I would want,
I really have the best of both worlds and I couldn't be happier.

[Eryn]

...the untruth about "every crossdresser transitions or wants to" is harmful misinformation that espoused way too frequently and loudly from people who should know better, like people in this forum.

Chris, for our edification please provide links to threads on the forum where members have expoused this information.

Since the claim is that the information is expoused "Loudly and Frequently" this should be a relatively easy task to accomplish.

My personal observation over several years is that the usual assurance given, particularly to new GG members, is that most CDers will never transition.

[kimdl93]

the supposition that the site skews one way or another, or that cognitively and mentally healthy individuals can be so easily influenced is absurd. Sweeping and unsupported generalizations aside, From my five years of observation, it appears that people come here for friendship, for information or to reinforce their own ideas. I doubt that any of us has invested the time nor the statistical analysis necessary to pronounce the presence of a skew in any particular direction. It may be that the threads that address the topic of coming out, finding a middle path (ambiguous as that term is) or transitioning generate more interest..for whatever reason.

[LilSissyStevie]

So I am wondering who is actually saying this, because I haven't observed this...

I was wondering the same thing. I see an occasional comment but it's hardly overwhelming. An invented crisis if there ever was one.