help ...

[darkangel918]

I need some help on how to come out to some of my friends. I don't want to lose them, but they are the type who have problems with certain truths. It is really startin to have a negative affect on the way I feel. I love them very much and don't want to hurt them in anyway. But I have to be true to myself and I want to be happy, cause my life has been crappy trying to be something that im really not. It has even caused me to try and take my own life, please help I can't go on living a lie anymore.

[Welshgirl]

My gut feeling is to tell them that things have been really bad for you over recent months or years, and tell them just how much it has affected you. Then, tell them that you have found something that helps you to feel better. If they are real friends, rather than being hurt (and I am not sure what there is in this that would hurt them), they will be relieved and glad that you have a way to escape from the misery and depression that you describe. It may sound harsh, but this is not about them, it's about you. You have to put your own needs before what you assume or guess that they may think.

[Jorja]

A fact of life, some people are going to be hurt no matter what. Now, allow me to ask you, are you coming out for them or yourself? If you feel it is important to come out to these people, then be true to yourself and just do it. Be kind and matter of fact about it. Just tell them the truth. You have a 50 - 50 chance then. Those that stick with you are true friends. Those that don't, you didn't need them in your life anyhow. The thing to remember here is that friends are a dime a dozen. You can always make new friends.

[Katey888]

I'd suggest you might benefit from sharing this with a counsellor before necessarily sharing with your friends... Imagine that however you tell them, they may still have problems and you may lose them anyway... Try speaking to a professional first, who will keep your story in confidence, and help you understand if that is the right way to go - it may not be..?

Talk to someone who can help you professionally before broadcasting your deepest desires everywhere... And be calm and take your time in understanding what those desires really are...

Keep Calm & Carry On... but find someone to talk to... quickly...

Katey x

[Victoria Demeanor]

Dark Angle,
It so worries me when someone thinks about taking their live. I don't know anything about you except that you reached out here. I am guessing that you are young and that you think/feel that the world is stacked against you. I am so glad that you are reaching out to us, but this is after all an internet forum and we are limited in the help we can give. Talk to us, but please find a professional concealer that you can talk to. I don't know what your situation is or where you see your path going, but I am sure there are local support groups that will welcome you and give you help. As far as your friends go, they are either your true friends and will understand or just people you hang out with and you can do better. Is there one that is close and you can trust?
Look Hon I am old, slow and not good with advice, but I know one thing, the world is better with you in it, so please do not think about leaving it.
As far as living a lie, talk to us, find a concealer and a local support group and we can fix this.

[docrobbysherry]

U can't ask us a question like that, DA. We don't know enuff intimate details about u to give u informed advice either way.

I like Katey's suggestion. U may already have a counselor? U should discuss your T questions with him/her. If not, u should seek one out ASAP. Depression is a serious problem for those suffering from it. U can't think rationally when u r feeling down! And, depression is NOT normal!

[ReineD]

I would start with just your closest friend. Speak from your heart and let this person know who you are and what you have gone through. Tell your friend everything, including your fear that they won't be your friend anymore after finding out, and how sad and lonely this makes you feel.

Once you've told one friend, then you can think of telling another.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi DA, If they are real friends it really will not matter.

[Nadya]

Unfortunately, you can't control how people will react to what you tell them. If it's hurting you not to be open about it then it makes sense to come clean. You may be pleasantly surprised with the results, but then again you may not. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. It's hard to say how someone you know will react to something like that until it happens. Whose happiness is more important though? Some might say that if they can't accept that, they weren't really worth having in your life to begin with. That might be true but it doesn't make it any easier to do if that's the result. I'm at a similar point in my life too. I'm considering telling some of my friends that I think will take it well to help build up my confidence. I think after that, I may move on towards those I'm less confident about. Good luck! Remember that this is a wonderful thing and to throw it away would be a waste. <3

[Rachelakld]

I'm with Welsh girl,
tell them of the pain you are in, then the remedy you have found.
While the girls "may" be supportive (my daughters put it down to the fact being a girl is way cooler), the guys may not comprehend what your going through.

[Teresa]

Darkangel,
Try and pick one that may be more understanding, you may do what I did and totally break down in tears so be ready for that, there's a lot that will come flooding out once you start !
A couple of points once you've told them, it's more of a problem to you than them, also know when to stop and try not make it the subject of every conversation, otherwise you will start to lose friends !
Try and stop feeling guilty about something you can't change, it's not going away, if no one knows or the whole World knows you will still be a CDer ! Also don't feel guilty about admitting you thought about ending your life, I don't ! Luckily we didn't succeed so try and learn from that , life really is too precious !

[Nikkilovesdresses]

The thing to remember here is that friends are a dime a dozen. You can always make new friends.

That has to be the worst advice I've ever read, or is Jorja talking about social media 'friends'?

True friends are extremely rare, which is why the OP is worried about losing them. In theory a friend will love you no matter what lifestyle choices you make, but that's not a guarantee- I've been lucky so far with those I've told, but there are some who I simply would not tell. Now I come to think about it, all those I call true friends do now know: it's the less-close friends who don't.

My advice is that given the OP's present emotional vulnerability, it might be wisest to start with the friend least likely to judge, and see how that goes. I'd advise picking one who isn't in touch with the others, so you can contain the news. I know it's very important to you Darkangel to be accepted for who you are, but your support network is also very important. Don't blurt out the truth to all your friends at once- it's too big a gamble.

FWIW no one I've told has reacted negatively, quite the reverse, but I've been selective. My mother for instance does not know, and it's likely to stay that way unless she starts browsing CD.com, which I would imagine to be less likely than Earth being colonised in the near future by yodelling Martians.

I'm sorry life has been so difficult for you, I hope things brighten up

Love and hugs, Nikki

[Jorja]

I am sorry, I guess I didn't finish my thought.

The thing to remember here is that friends are a dime a dozen. You can always make new friends. Finding true friends is a lot harder. So spend those dimes until you are surrounded by true friends.

[Suzie Petersen]

First of all, if you are seriously having thoughts of ending your life, then you must seek help! While this forum has all sorts of wonderful people, we are not a professional counselor! If you have gotten yourself in that deep of a hole, find someone who knows about gender issues and can help get you back to the surface.

Telling friends is a real gamble! Same with family. There is a high risk you might loose some of them but a lot of that also has to do with how you deal with it all yourself. People around you often react to your reaction, more than to what your tell them. If you approach something like this with a big smile and a "Guess what, here is something about me you didnt know" it is much more likely they react positively to it than if you show depression and sadness about it.

If some of your friends are people you work with, consider that telling them can cost you your job! Nope, it should not be like that, but it can happen.

Katey's advise is good, talk to a counselor and find out together if telling is smart and if so, who to tell and how.

Jorja's words are also true, there are true friends and then there are fair-weather friends. The real ones tend to stick with you nomatter what and for fair-weather friends .. you can build new relationships if the old ones drop out. Just be prepared that this is a topic some people have a real tough time with for various reasons!

Go find a professional gender knowledgeable therapist, and be completely honest about how you feel and about your suicidal thoughts too!
And remember .. When you find yourself at the bottom of a deep hole, you need to put down the shovel!

- Suzie

[UNDERDRESSER]

Find out what help is available locally for suicidal thoughts, most places have a free phone line you can call, be cautious about one that seems to be connected to some kind of business. Other than that, only advice I have is can you get to some kind of accepting support group? Somewhere you can find people that maybe can be your friend who already know? I am concerned that if you tell one friend, and the others find out, and they reject you, or don't take it well, this may prompt you to a rash decision.

Please, find someone you can talk to in confidence, a counsellor who can talk about all of what is going on and help you see through the tangled mess it seems to be right now.

[Jennifer in CO]

You can't determine nor control how your friends will react. When I transitioned back in 81, the people I thought I'd loose for sure stood by me. The ones I thought would be there through thick n thin disappeared. People are...people. We can't second guess (much less first guess!) how an individual is going to respond. I will share this...the first ones I told we (wife and I) did one on one, my two closest friends. Neither were around in the days to come. The next group we told was just as that...a group...7 people as I remember. Maybe it was peer pressure from one another, maybe it was something else. But this was the group that stayed friends. Of a note; my closest friend at the time (one of the first two told) whom I thought would have no issues because he had a gay brother I never saw again after telling him. Seems down deep he did have a problem but since it was his brother he couldn't do anything about it. Since I was just a friend he could. We have talked once in the 34 years since and that when his daughter died in an accident. We were not invited to the funeral.

I guess saying all this is you don't know who is going to hug you or walk away. Some are going to be hurt, including yourself. As others have mentioned, if you don't have a Therapist get one. Having someone to dump on as you move on in this part of your life will make a difference. Even if you only see or talk to them once or twice, you need someone to talk to.

wow...1,000th post...cool

[mykell]

hello ms. angel, suicide has only one possible outcome, with no do-overs, you will find the other paths daunting and nerve wracking but will gain so much more....making yourself happy is the priority here, lots of advice but the need of a professional may do you much good, do go at your own pace, its a marathon not a sprint, sometimes you find out who your real friends are when things get tough....

[crystaltvco]

What Jennifer in CO said! (hi neighbor) You just never know who will stand by your side. Ultimately, you have to stand by yourself. This is not about them, its about YOU!

Good luck hon!

[Beverley Sims]

By not telling you are not living a lie, how many secrets do you think they tell you?
I bet not many.

[sometimes_miss]

Darkangel, you took the first step, and that took guts just to come here and ask. We can help you find a therapist if you give us a little more info about approximately where you are. If you can't afford it, they have programs to help with that too.
In the meantime, don't 'burn your bridges'. You can't put the genie back into the bottle. Once you tell someone, you're done, because they may tell others. I'm sure there's a crisis intervention line at a local hospital somewhere, and even the hospitals that don't have one can tell you another that does. While they may not know a gender specialist therapist, they can help you deal with the current feelings that are overwhelming you.
As far as telling friends and relatives, that can be a huge problem. Not all can accept it, and those that can't could cause you more stress. So it's not necessarily a good idea to come out to them too quickly. If necessary, if you have a nice female friend/relative who is known to you to be accepting of alternative lifestyle folks, that would be the best bet.
Whatever you decide, don't do anything desperate. Promise yourself that you will wait for a day or two before any sudden decisions. Sleep on it. That often helps.
Alex