First Contact

[candace4now]

So, we had something of a forced reveal this evening.

It's been a few weeks that I've been feeling good about dressing and knew it was only a matter of time until I came clean or got found out. I've been looking for a good opportunity to bring it up but it never seemed like the right time.

My SO has been purging her closet lately. She has great taste in clothes but since retiring, she no longer needs a huge wardrobe. I rescued a couple of items in the past week and had this 50s style polka dot party dress hanging in my closet. She caught sight of it today and scolded me for having removed it from the donation bag. I said: "but I really like it!" to which she replied, "but it doesn't fit me". Well, it fits me, says I!

long pause....

"OMG, I don't want to know about this".

At least I broke the ice? More to follow....

[Leslie Langford]

...and so begins the long, well-travelled DADT road - one that many of us have trekked down with varying degrees of success over the years, and one that some are traveling down still. As the saying goes "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride!"

[dani35]

I hope that she's just in shock and comes round to the idea. Actually if she really loves you then she will accept it and hopefully help you buy new clothes and accessories.

[Jenniferathome]

Candace, your post reads as very flippant. This not a subject that merits levity upon a reveal. You need to get it all out now and NOT let your wife wonder all kinds of terrie things alone.

[Ineke Vashon]

Broke the ice? Seems more like you broke through and fell in. Hope the water isn't too cold.

Ineke

[mykell]

candice, not the way most choose to do it....
lots of info on revealing, coming clean, fessing up.....i think you would benefit from putting in some reading time....this is a tough subject for our wives to digest and the more tactful you divulge this information and with total honesty and respect will greatly improve the chances of more tolerance and understanding on her part.
i wish you the best....

[candace4now]

I must say, I don't wish to seem casual about this. I wish I felt like writing more tonight but its late. We have gone several hours without an other word spoken on the subject.
Perhaps we will have a chance to talk more tomorrow.

Thank you for all of your thoughtful replies.

[Tracii G]

All I can say is you dropped a huge bomb on her so get ready for some time in the dog house.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Candace, despite what many members will tell you, there is no right or wrong way to get it out there. People will tell you that if you are not careful your marriage is doomed, or you will be relegated to the purgatory of DADT. Don't believe them. Be respectful, but not so heavy that your wife views this as a terminal illness. Levity is a great icebreaker, in my opinion. If you position crossdressing as a shameful mental defect, she is more likely to perceive it as such. If you share your delight in the female aesthetic and passion for fashion, you might just find some common ground.

Best of luck to you, my dear. Your adventure has begun.

Shibumi

[ReineD]

Actually if she really loves you then she will accept it and hopefully help you buy new clothes and accessories.

The ability to accept the CDing has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with a person's upbringing, background, personal beliefs and values. The OP said his wife is retired. She is thirty years older than you and has learned different things. She may need time to wrap her mind around this.

[Sara Jessica]

Honestly, I cannot think of a worse method of reveal, trying to see it from the POV of a SO.

Actually if she really loves you then she will accept it and hopefully help you buy new clothes and accessories.

I guess I've been deluded all along, thinking that my bride really loves me. She tolerates, perhaps borderline on acceptance but would ever help me buy new clothes & accessories.

Actually, I'd find that notion horrifying. I don't need any of these things to be in love. She understands me, that is really all I need.

[cheryl reeves]

thats where im blessed,my wife either buys me things or offers advice on if it looks good..but she knew before we were married,though it took 11 yrs to dress in front of her and letting her put make up on me..but its not been a easy road but we decided to do this together...now we are working on number 27 yrs of marriage..

[Claire nz]

I'm surprised that your wife did not have an explosive or somewhat alternate reaction to this. Was your wife also so tired? Scolded to me would be a MILD reaction. I hear those words "OMG...... I'm thinking delayed explosion here.

[franlee]

row does a foot taste? With or without the hose and pump! LOL That was probably a real start to a long conversation.

[Shelly Preston]

So, we had something of a forced reveal this evening.

It's been a few weeks that I've been feeling good about dressing and knew it was only a matter of time until I came clean or got found out. I've been looking for a good opportunity to bring it up but it never seemed like the right time.

My SO has been purging her closet lately. She has great taste in clothes but since retiring, she no longer needs a huge wardrobe. I rescued a couple of items in the past week and had this 50s style polka dot party dress hanging in my closet. She caught sight of it today and scolded me for having removed it from the donation bag. I said: "but I really like it!" to which she replied, "but it doesn't fit me". Well, it fits me, says I!

long pause....

"OMG, I don't want to know about this".

At least I broke the ice? More to follow....

I am sorry but that was like dropping a grenade into your relationship.

You need to sit down and have a long talk with her and answer and questions she may have. you might not get the questions today but you will get them.

I hope that she's just in shock and comes round to the idea. Actually if she really loves you then she will accept it and hopefully help you buy new clothes and accessories.

Dani not everyone thinks love conquers everything.

[Forgetmenot]

Wow that seems like a hard situation. What Shelly says is true though, it is like a grenade drop. The reason I kept it hidden so long is because I was afraid of a reaction and because it is not 'normal' (whatever that is supposed to mean :P). The reaction I expected was exactly what I got because the way I feel about it is also the way she is gonna feel about it. It was new for her, it was beyond the level of what is socially acceptable and it was a whole new side of me. Try putting yourself in her shoes (not literally lol) and imagine how she feels.

I am not sure if it is the same in your situation, but all I can suggest is: Don't expect too much from her, don't mention it all the time and give her the time to cool off. Then once it has passed, you can talk about it more organized .

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Candice, Been there and done that.

Well the ball is in her court now go easy and don't try to overwhelm her.

[Suzie Petersen]

Candace,

Be prepared for just about anything right now! The topic of gender identity is one of the most fundamental things in how people perceive others around them. It is one of the first things we learn to understand as children and it can be a real shock to find out that someone we thought we knew, is someone else.

From your brief post, we dont know much about you, your wife nor your relationship. We dont know how something like this might affect her or how she generally view other people. Her words "OMG, I dont want to know about this" could mean a lot of things all depending on how they were said, however, you later say that there has been silence since, for hours. That is not a good sign, and there is a high probability that this really shocked her. She might be going through hell right now, trying to figure out her own emotions, and you need to be very very sensitive to that!

It can be extremely difficult to bring this up the first time. There is no right way, but many .. unfortunate .. ways to do it. Some chose to leave indicators and to be found out, which is what you did, and it certainly gets it out in the open, but with a lot of risk involved.
For you, the cat is now out of the bag and you might now be heading for instant divorce .. or any one of 50+ other potential outcomes, some of which are good, some not.

I agree with some of the others that it is not a matter of if she loves you or not! In her mind, she may love you, but now wonders "who" it was she loved. Your status, for lack of a better word, in her mind might have now shifted completely and she might be totally confused about who you are.
We dont know enough of your story to really offer advise on what to do next, it depends a lot on what you think your goal is with this reveal, but if you do cherish your marriage and your wife, you need to be very careful and not put yourself first in this. Talk to her, but dont overwhelm her. Offer to talk about it, but on her terms. Maybe silence is good for a little while, but be careful it is not the Head in the Sand kind of silence.

If your wife is the kind who would research a topic online, she will likely find all the wrong information about this on the internet. That can cause irreparable damage as there is so much filth to be found. She will not know to see the difference without help.

When she is ready to talk a little more, make sure you have a good idea of what this means to you and make sure to tell her. "I dont know where this will go" is a typical but very dangerous statement as it will keep her worried about her future with you.

So, tell us more when you are ready and as you work through this with your wife, make sure to think of her feelings first!

- Suzie

[Meghan4now]

Candice,

While there may have been a better way to break the ice, don't let us whip you into a desperate worry. Yes your wife is likely upset. Yes you need to patiently look for an opening for a mature discussion. Yes love and respect can go a long way to keep your marriage intact. You should have hope but not expect or demand tolerance, acceptance, support or enthusiasm.

All is not lost, and with loving and respectful discourse you may be able to keep your relationship healthy. And remember, even though this is a big revelation, it is but a small part of your lives together. What happens next will involve a lot of how your relationship is otherwise.

Good luck and keep trying.

[Isabella Ross]

Some dresses are really worth saving from the donation pile, I guess. Seriously, I'm not so sure this was a bad way to introduce the subject. None of us here know your relationship and how it works like you do. Perhaps you knew instinctively that this would be a good way of introducing it...maybe your wife is the type of person that needs to be subtly introduced to something tricky like and then given time on her own to digest it, before she starts asking questions. Regardless, bravo for starting the conversation...not everyone will agree, but I think for many, simply ending the secrecy is a positive step forward.

[Beverley Sims]

You have put a big crack in the pond, now for it to open up more.

[TrishaTX]

Candice I am not sure I agree with everyone. We all have different SOs and as such , sometimes you can't just say it...I know for sure. If this was your breaking the ice, follow up to be sure so she knows you weren't fooling around. More importantly, you seem to want her to know, so start the process, even if you have to involve a mutual therapist. Everyone is different...

[flatlander_48]

C4N:

I'll say one thing: you get an A for Novelty Reveal. As to how things will progress, unfortunately it's anybody's guess. Best of luck to you, though.

DeeAnn

[nathaliedove]

Wow! How very spontaneous of you

[dee anne]

Best of luck, I truly it all works out for you and your wife!!!