Wife's Psychologist (scratching my head)

[nikki2014]

Over the last few months my wife has had a lot of stress. She started a new position at her current job that she's had for the last 9 years or so and it has been very demanding. I think she thought she could go into the position and shine like all other jobs she's had but this wasn't the case. She had to learn a whole new way of dealing with the workload, different people, and new work terminology. We also have 3 boys that are very, very active. Between sports and school they keep us on our toes. We have an older daughter that is always such a wonder. We never know what, when, or where she's at. She's 21 and I just let her be. My wife on the other hand wonders what she's doing. Back in December I came out to my wife that I like to crossdress. At first she was like ok whatever, then she supported me, and now she's questioning it. Not in a bad way but just doesn't want to talk about it right now. Let me also add on to all of this my wife does have a slight depression issue that she's had for years and had it controllable by medication.

Ok so now about the psychologist. Because all the aforementioned issues my wife couldn't handle all of this. She became very moody, lots of anxiety, lots of depression with constant crying spells, and lack of sleep. We spoke about it numerous times and she even admitted that she knew something was wrong, so she made an appointment to see the doctor to see if she couldn't up her medication. The doctor said yes but in doing so he wanted her to see a psychologist. A few days later she saw that psychologist and she explained a lot of the issues that she thought were revolving around her depression and such. The psychologist said she could understand why she felt that way because of all the things going on. After a few visits later and upping her medication she is back on track to more of the way I know her.

I hadn't asked her any of the specifics of the counseling she was going through as I know most of it is confidential. I would ask her though how was the session and I'd usually get the reply of that it was good and I'd leave it at that. One day she sat and started to spill the beans about what was being said.All I did was sit and listen like the good husband. Eventually she said she told the psychologist about me liking to wear women's clothes and that I refer to myself as Nikki. I asked what did she think. My wife said that the psychologist thinks that because I refer to myself as Nikki that it sounds like I have a split personality. Are you kidding me? I don't have a split personality. I'm fully aware of what I'm doing, how I do it, when I do it, and how often. I asked her was that all and she said yes.

I was a little put off by the comment the psychologist made. I crossdress because I like to, I think it's fun, it turns me on, and I like to emulate the look of a woman. It has nothing to do with having a split personality. Isn't a split personality a brain changing moment where one second it's like talking to one physical person and then to another? I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself but hopefully you understand what I'm saying. Isn't a split personality like one outter body moment and then another body takes over? Anyway it just kinda made me walking away scratching my head.

What do you think? What are your thoughts? Anyone had anything similar said to them or the opposite? I know some people have written that their wife's counselor had said, ok no big deal and moved past it without blinking an eye like it's more normal than we all think. Your thoughts please. And thanks in advance for you feedback and input. Nikki

[UNDERDRESSER]

I am not a psychologist and don't play one on TV, but the very term "split personality" isn't used as such.

"Dissociative identity disorder" is the closest currently used, and it's regarded by most as unbearably vague, and lacking all sorts of back up. If your wife didn't mis-hear, get the wrong end of the stick, or maybe the psychologist was trying to simplify matters ( badly ) I have doubts about her training, and competence.

Of course, what matters is what the psychologist said about your wife's issues generally, and maybe how your dressing and other behaviours impact your wife. For us to comment meaningfully, we would need to know more of that, and I don't it's appropriate. If she did think you are part of the issue, then maybe you need to take this further, but if she didn't then, maybe just leave it.

[NicoleScott]

That psychologist must have been sick the day her psych class went over crossdressing. Hearing so little about you (clothing and a name) tells her no more than that.
It sounds like your wife has a lot on her plate right now, and addressing your crossdressing might be low priority. OK you told her, but maybe it's best to go under the radar until she wants to address it.

[AngelaYVR]

...or your wife used the opportunity to lend credence to her own personal views?

[ReineD]

In my opinion, either your wife's therapist has no understanding of the crossdressing, or as often happens your wife translated what the psychologist told her into her own words, based on her own understanding of the issue.

If you are concerned that your wife may be getting a different take from a professional about what you do, you may want to schedule a session with your wife at the psychologist's office. If the crossdressing is important enough for your wife to address while in session, then I think it is important that everyone should be on the same page.

Communication is key in all of this, and this includes communication with therapists.

If your wife does not want to schedule one appointment with her therapist and you to discuss what the crossdressing means to you and your marriage, then maybe you could find a different professional to talk to, and invite your wife to come along for an educational session.

[Isabella Ross]

Regardless, the psychologist is either crap or definitely has zero understanding of crossdressing. It's either that or we have entire forum made up of people with dissociative identity disorder. But methinks it would be a little too self-centered to try to get your wife to understand her psychologist's shortcomings when it comes to GID when she has a lot of pressing issues on her plate.

[Amy Fakley]

I never heard anyone say that seriously before, but then you're hearing it third hand. "Split personality" might be her therapist's words, or it could just be a restating of your wife's understanding y'know? It's hard to know what was really meant by that.

I hope things improve for you two. My wife had similar issues with depression and mood swings years ago ... after struggling with it most of our marriage, and being on all sorts of antidepressants, it turned out it was uncontrolled diabetes. Not one single doctor she went to in the 10 years up to that point, thought to check.

Also keep in mind where we live. Without saying too much ... the medical scene in this town ... it's really not the best. For anything serious, I head out of town ... I have learned to do this by hard experience.

Best of luck to you both.

[pamela7]

the Psycho is really either ill-informed or incompetent or both. Being a pro myself I can assure you this is not a split personality thing, cross-dressing. However, a psycho unaware at all of CD might think you have a split cos you use two names, but even that's a BIG stretch cos its you asking to be called the name! So all in all, i'd wonder if the psych is doing a good enough job for your wife's other issues.

[nancigirl]

I am a psychologist and I will say that there is no demonstrable relationship between 'split personality' (i.e. dissociative personality disorder) and cross dressing or being transgender. Your wife needs to find a different psychologist (assuming that she understood accurately what that psychologist told her, and assuming that she is relaying that info accurately to you.)

[Stephanie47]

I will concur with the other responses. It appears the psychologist is not up to speed concerning cross dressing. If he said it sounds as if you have a split personality, that is poor practice. One cannot make a proper assessment of a person without discussing issues with the patient. I would suspect more was discussed that you using a feminine name when referring to yourself. Perhaps your wife is having some misgivings concerning your cross dressing, and, you need to discuss that with her.

[pamela7]

one thing we don't know is what your wife told the psycho that led to that response. having worked with many couples i can say the stories i hear from each partner can be so far apart that it is difficult to comprehend how both are even speaking of the same thing. Literally different planets. In this context they psycho might be advising on extreme representation from your wife. However, such judgements are bad professional conduct, they need to meet you properly to make such assessments to third parties.

[Dana44]

Wow, yeah psychologist can say and do some funky stuff. I would say to her and if you could talk to the Psychologist. Say that NO, I do not have a split personality. However, I'm the same person with feminine attributes. So I look at it like two bins. If I'm male , I try to suppress my feminine feelings. I've been a male for most of my life. That part is easier for me. Now when I crossdress, I'm expressing my feminine side. Now to suppress most of my male side, Ive named that bin. It is not two personalities, But a modular change to the Nikki bin. This way I can suppress my male side while expressing my feminine side. It helps relieve a lot of my male stress. If the psychologist cannot understand that. Then he should not even be one.

[Heidi Stevens]

I'm with Isabella on this one, it's your job for right now to support your wife any and every way you can. Pick up some of her daily chores, find ways to give her time to unplug and sort things out, etc. Give your Daughter a chance to help by letting her know what her mother is going thru and you would like her help in helping mom. If your daughter has any compassion at all, she will contribute, even if it's telling mom what she's up to.
As for your dressing, try DADT mode for a while. Assure your wife that Nikki won't be a problem for her for a while, and you should make a fair effort to avoid confronting her with Nikki.
Then give everything some TIME. Your wife sounds like a strong woman and she needs the attention and support right now.
Good luck to her and you.

[Leahann]

Nikki, I agree with Amy regarding the medical profession in the South in general and Alabama specifically. But to be fair, a psychologist is more like a social worker than a medical professional, whereas a psychiatrist is a true medical professional. But either one is subject to imposing their religious views into their questioning and judgements and pronouncements.

[nikki2014]

My wife does have a lot on her plate. I maintain the house doing almost everything. My job in life right now is to keep the house. We've switched roles since I went back to school. She's not complaining and I'm not complaining. My CD is a low priority for her right now and I've left it at that. I still get the opportunity every once in a while and I'm fine with that. She has made several comments over the last few weeks. I think for the most part she's scratches her head but doesn't let it bother her. She was just telling the psychologist that it was one of the many things she had on her plate but a mere small fraction compared to all the other things.

Amy,
Yes you are correct. Most doctor's in this area are what you get unless you travel. I'm not worried about what they told her and in fact I agree with what most of the replies here are in that the psych must have missed class that day. If you knew everything that was on her plate, most of it being work, you'd say damn she's pretty strong. There's always a fine balance though. When she has a lot going on at work she can usually handle the things at home and vice-versa. But when she has problems with both, that's when things get really rough for her. It just so happened at the same time she was taking her meds that it just wasn't working which is why she made an appt to go back. After changing her meds and she's even told me she feels much better. Again, I don't think any of my CD was really a huge issue for her it was just something that added on to her plate. She said she still sees me as the man and person she married and if it's what I like to do then so be it. At this time she just wishes not to see me as Nikki, and I am not going to press the issue but I definitely understand as well too.

[Beverley Sims]

I think the question was asked to open up more at a later time, maybe she is thinking you are schizophrenic.

[Marcelle]

Hi Nikki,

The one thing to remember is that not all psychologist are versed in "gender identity issues". I have many colleagues in the field and while they have a cursory understanding that doesn't mean they fully understand it. As well, you are receiving a third hand account of the conversation and while the psychologist may have said something along the lines of "It could be something similar to a disassociative disorder" (based on whatever information your wife provided) very few professionals would make a snap diagnosis of a patients family members without speaking to the person first (at least not those who want to keep their license to practice that is). I am not saying this didn't happen but before you decide to call up the psychologist, it might not be exactly what she/he said.

Is it possible (I am only say possible) that your wife may be reading into the psychologist's comments? If so, is it possible she may believe you are suffering from a "split personality" of sorts? Because to the non-initiated we can seem a bit "split" between male and female. Perhaps talk to your wife and ask her if she believes you have a split personality and if she does, then try to calm those fears as best you can. Added stress can sometimes bring hidden concerns to the surface as the stress takes away from ones ability to keep those concerns muted and as such, she may be demonstrating some concerns about your CDing which up until now she has been keeping quiet about. Now while I am all about communicating, don't push too hard on "Is it me and CDing that is causing your stress" as it may cause more stress on her . . . remember it is about her this time and needing your support not vice versa. By all means you can discuss it but, if she says "no" let it go and just continue doing what you are doing, support her and let her know you are there for her as a husband and partner while she works through this difficult time.

Hugs

Isha

[kimdl93]

Yup the so called split personality concept is pretty much a relic. Even the prototypical case was later revealed to be a deliberate fraud.