A brief comment on trans identities for non-transgender people

[PaulaQ]

"I always knew on some level"

This is a comment you'll hear many trans people make. The problem is that this comment does not mean what you think it means as someone who is not transgender.

A person who's not transgender does not have to think about their gender. It aligns with their body's sex. Their preferred mode of expression also tends to line up with societal norms for their sex. (By "sex", I mean what the doctor decided their sex was by looking at them for 30 seconds or so at birth, and scribbling something on their birth certificate. This sometimes has nothing to do with their biological sex at all. But ignore that for the time being.)

Your parents do not ask you "are you a boy, or are you a girl?" You are told this - and you know what? For the most part, it just kind of works for you. Yay! If you happen also to be attracted to the opposite sex, then jackpot - you don't have to really think hard about your gender, or who you are sexually attracted to.

It can all be boiled down to a quick examination of your genitals - "yep, girl parts. I'm a girl. I like people with boy parts!" (BTW, I'm really convinced most of you really do think in terms like this - I spend more time talking about genitals with people who aren't trans than I ever do with people who are trans. I think many of you really do see things just about that simply!)

So you know your gender - not on "some level" but on pretty much every level! Your mind matches your body, and if you are really lucky, your sexual orientation! Life is good!

OK, for someone like me, who's transgender, it is not like that at all.

Now it's true, some of us - not that many but some - identify so strongly as our gender that we assert from a very young age "I'm a girl!!!" despite having boy parts. This isn't common, and even some of us who do feel that way are often really beaten down and forced to conform. Because most mom's and dad's, until very recently, don't take such assertions well, and many even to this day, still do not.

So for the rest of us - we feel "something." Oh this usually starts at an early age, and it really gets going good for some of us as we hit puberty, and our bodies start to change in ways our brains rebel against. This is a weird feeling - seeing your face and body change in ways that repulse you, even as others tell you "my goodness - you are a handsome boy!" But we don't feel handsome. We feel horrendous!

This is extremely confusing - all the more so because if we do start to act out in some way, such as crossdressing, we've historically been told that there is something very wrong with us. Literally everyone in our lives, and everything we read, see on TV, etc. tells us "people with boy parts are boys, and people with girl parts our girls." It is very difficult to tell people "but I'm not a boy!" when everyone can look at you, and see that to their eyes, and their way of thinking, you obviously are. Indeed, for a very long time, we were thought to be mentally ill. Life is tough when your internal reality doesn't match what everyone else sees.

And until very recently, with the advent of the internet, most of us had no way to find others like us. (Indeed, I didn't meet another transgender person until age 50.)

As kids, nobody handed us "The Little Golden Book of Gender" that lead us to realize "aha! I'm really a girl!" The message most of us got, instead is "aha! I'm really some type of freak!" And so like most people who are told they are doing something wrong, many of us chose to hide these feelings as best we could - preferably even from ourselves.

So please, when you hear one of us say "I always knew on some level", please don't equate that statement with the certainty that you, as a non-transgender person, has always felt about your own gender identity.

I hope this helps clarify the issue.

[Dana44]

Ah, well I always knew something was significantly wrong with me. Told I was a boy and had to live that. Yep got good boy parts. So Boy, yet I knew that I had a lot of feminine thoughts. Never could hide them from any female in a relationship. Yet I displayed Boy. Now being able to express my feminine side in crossdressing. I still know what I am. Gee sometimes I wished I was a girl. But to change my body medically. No. In fact a medical practitioner once told me to never get rid of anything off of the body. Like tonsils, I still have them. So born a man with totally female hormones, I do like both and have to live out the male life. perhaps next time around I might be female.

[AngelaYVR]

Paula, I think the phrase encapsulates the uncertainty you express. It is the equivalent to "I had an inkling" or "I always suspected" - knowledge without absolute certainty, a position I'm sure we all have been in about something at some time or other. I must admit to being more curious as to why you thought we needed educating, especially as we all enjoy wearing girl clothing and going to some length and expense to fake the girl parts (and in many cases, hide our activities to prevent unwanted acquisition of the 'freak' label).

[PaulaQ]

I wrote this thread because I'd seen a question from a significant other in another thread to the effect of "Why do you spring this on us? Haven't you always known on some level?" So I thought it might help to explain this in more detail. She was specifically asking about people who transition, but I would expect almost every member here from CD to TS to understand implicitly what I'm saying in the thread, because y'all are also trans.

It dawned on me that people who aren't transgender simply aren't used to ever having to deeply think about their gender identity at all. They may not like certain societal limits imposed by it, but generally they know what it is.

I did say "for non-transgender people" in the title. I was hoping that was sort of clear.

No. In fact a medical practitioner once told me to never get rid of anything off of the body.

I assume you are referring to GRS (or GCS or SRS - whatever you want to call it). In that case, it is not a question of getting rid of anything so much as repurposing it. But of course not everyone wants or needs this at all, as you adroitly point out.

[Teresa]

Paula,
I understand what you're saying but what I find confusing is the talk on the forum of degrees of transition, not going all the way !
I know what sex I am without checking between my legs but the brain is still playing tricks on me , I don't mean just wanting to CD !
It is becoming accepted that some of us are born like it , something during development in pregnancy gets the wiring slightly wrong . I'm naturally attracted to women but the dressing somehow brings out a deeper feeling almost like an attraction of female to female, to use the maligned label male lesbian, some are offended by that term and some say there's no such thing !
If I really wanted to fully transition it would be to live as a woman with a woman, sexually I have no interest in men at all !
This is the first time I've said this and now I have it explains why I feel so hurt by my wife's rejection of my CDing to the point where I almost took my own life !
I know we share thoughts like that from the past !

[Zooey]

Once again, Paula hits a bunch of nails on their respective heads.

If there's one thing I wish I could change about the way most non-trans people seem to think about all of this, it would be to stop them from focusing so intently on "the surgery". Nearly every time I come out to somebody, it goes more or less like this...

Me: ..., and so yeah, basically, the deal is that I'm transgender, and I'm going to be transitioning to full time as a woman.

Them: Wow, so are you really going to have "the surgery"?

Me: I don't know, that's not really on my radar right now. I mean, maybe, probably, but it's a long ways out and...

Them: But don't you have to have it? I mean, that's crazy that you'd actually do that, but I thought that's how this works.

Me: The surgery is a big deal, but before that I'll be, y'know, rewriting my body chemistry and upending my entire life, so a penis nobody's looking at but me doesn't seem quite so important at the mo-

Them: ...But that surgery has to be a big deal. I mean, that's crazy. You must be really looking forward to the surgery though.

Me: ...sigh...

"The surgery" is pretty much at the bottom of the list of things preventing me from living my life authentically. Frankly, by the time I'm allowed to have it, I will already have "transitioned" as far as pretty much everybody else is concerned. It's not that it's unimportant, I just wish people were as interested in the impact this has on my actual life, rather than the impact it has on my ability to pee while standing.

[kimdl93]

"So for the rest of us - we feel "something." Oh this usually starts at an early age, and it really gets going good for some of us as we hit puberty, and our bodies start to change in ways our brains rebel against..."

This is so familiar that I could have written it myself.

[cheryl reeves]

i knew fully what i was at 13 after seeing a few shows about transgenderism,and reading articles that were written in those who had " the surgery",i read articles on hermorphidites.after all that limited reading i knew i was a half and half,half male half female but identified more to female,at that time you was a freak if you came out,so i went stealth jeans and t shirts so no obe would kbow i was a freak. see when i hit puberty i grew small breasts which made it difficult to go shirtless,even swimming i usually wear a t shirt or if we are alone i might take shirt off. nowadays when asked im upfront that im both male and female,then the surgery and hormones topic comes up and have to explain i like both sides of me so why would i want to kill one side of my psych,or asked are you gay,i tell em i am a lesbian at heart for i love everything about women.

[Kate Simmons]

We are all unique individuals, plumbing notwithstanding and not everyone is going to look at things in the same way.I've even seen tomboy girls get pressurized by their families into acting "feminine" and to pursue the feminine role. The same with boys. If we are not knock down drag out jocks we must be mental or "gay". I've pretty much learned to ignore all of that myself and appreciate who others are as people and my friends . If they want to act "masculine" or "feminine" in the process, more power to them. It's really not what you are that counts but who you are as a person.

[cheryl reeves]

i wasnt a jock,i was a bookworm always studying,the tough guys and jocks learned to their horror to leave the skinny girl looking guy alone,they found i was meaner and tougher then they were. just cause someone looks gay or a sissy doesnt make them so. to this day tough guys respect me.

[TinaZ]

Once again, Paula hits a bunch of nails on their respective heads.

If there's one thing I wish I could change about the way most non-trans people seem to think about all of this, it would be to stop them from focusing so intently on "the surgery". Nearly every time I come out to somebody, it goes more or less like this...

Me: ..., and so yeah, basically, the deal is that I'm transgender, and I'm going to be transitioning to full time as a woman.

Them: Wow, so are you really going to have "the surgery"?

Me: I don't know, that's not really on my radar right now. I mean, maybe, probably, but it's a long ways out and...

Them: But don't you have to have it? I mean, that's crazy that you'd actually do that, but I thought that's how this works.

Me: The surgery is a big deal, but before that I'll be, y'know, rewriting my body chemistry and upending my entire life, so a penis nobody's looking at but me doesn't seem quite so important at the mo-

Them: ...But that surgery has to be a big deal. I mean, that's crazy. You must be really looking forward to the surgery though.

Me: ...sigh...

"The surgery" is pretty much at the bottom of the list of things preventing me from living my life authentically. Frankly, by the time I'm allowed to have it, I will already have "transitioned" as far as pretty much everybody else is concerned. It's not that it's unimportant, I just wish people were as interested in the impact this has on my actual life, rather than the impact it has on my ability to pee while standing.

The thing about "The surgery" is, even after it's done, the person is still a trans person. Too many people think it's some sort of magical finish line, but it's not. The work on the self (mental health-wise) faces new challenges, while some of the previous issues haven't abated much.

Paula - I'd venture that cis-gender folks don't think about it for the same reason I don't have to think about being right handed. I am that way naturally, and luckily the world has been created by, and for, right handers. No challenge, thus nothing to think about.

[pamela7]

yes but being a leftie, i've not questioned that, either, even tho it has its inconveniences in the world made for righties.
if we just accepted ourselves as we are, then we'd not need to question anything - and we could dress/do as we feel.

[PaulaQ]

"The surgery" is pretty much at the bottom of the list of things preventing me from living my life authentically. Frankly, by the time I'm allowed to have it, I will already have "transitioned" as far as pretty much everybody else is concerned. It's not that it's unimportant, I just wish people were as interested in the impact this has on my actual life, rather than the impact it has on my ability to pee while standing.

It really is all about penises and vaginas for the non-trans people of the world. I believe they think of themselves that way, too. Kind of sad, really, I think men and women are a lot more than just reproductive organs. Somehow, though, their entire identity seems to be wrapped up in this one part of themselves - even if they have never actually used it!

I understand what you're saying but what I find confusing is the talk on the forum of degrees of transition, not going all the way !

Hi Teresa, I'm so glad you said this! It is confusing. Look, there are people like me - I may have been born with a male body, but I identify very strongly as a woman. I present in a highly feminine manner. I'm working on my voice (for more than a year now...) I'm doing electrolysis. I'm on hormones (I'm not actually very stable emotionally without being on HRT.) I'll ultimately have breast augmentation, probably liposuctions and a tummy-tuck, and if I can afford it, some facial surgery. I've had to do something about the hair on my head, and will eventually do some laser hair removal to get rid of the body hair that HRT didn't. Oh yeah - and I plan to have GCS (or GRS or SRS, whatever you want to call it), because I have significant dysphoria about my genitals. I've already legally changed my name and gender here in Texas and with the US government. I'm out at work, to my friends, family - actually, the old person I used to be really doesn't even exist anyplace anymore, except my birth certificate (working on that), and a mortgage to a home my ex will eventually sell.

I guess that's going all the way.

So look - not everybody needs to do all that stuff.
- Some people can't afford, or don't need, genital surgery. It's complex, risky, and the best doctors have a long waiting list. The complications can be unpleasant. Unless you are really unhappy with what's between your legs - you don't need this.

- Some people don't want, or can't do HRT. Usually there is a medical reason for this, but not always. That doesn't stop you from living as a woman, although it can make transitioning legally - changing your name / gender marker difficult or impossible in some places.

- Some people want to try to find a "middle-path" and avoid living as a woman fulltime, often because they fear immense personal losses, such as loss of a marriage. Perhaps they present as female everywhere but work - at least doing so far more than a typical CD. Or perhaps they go on lower dosages of HRT, trying to forestall physical changes. If you really need to transition, my opinion is that such measures are likely a stop-gap. I can certainly understand why someone would try though.

The thing about "The surgery" is, even after it's done, the person is still a trans person. Too many people think it's some sort of magical finish line, but it's not. The work on the self (mental health-wise) faces new challenges, while some of the previous issues haven't abated much.

True. I'm a woman regardless of my surgical status. The person I was is just gone - even their voice. So much of a transition is mental, emotional and even spiritual in my opinion. The point is to really find who you are, and be that person.

Far more than being left-handed, almost everything in the world is broken for transgender people. So many of the rules simply don't work for us - they are literally broken.

[Marcelle]

Hi Paula,

I get your point exactly. I am now going through the education piece at work to lay the groundwork for my "workplace accommodation" and this includes talking to many folks I know about being TG and what it means to me. Many (not all) have a hard time differentiating between "birth sex" and "gender identity" and I spend an inordinate amount of time differentiating. The good thing is, while some still are a bit confused, most do eventually have that "Ah hah" moment and understand that my presenting female has nothing to do with what is between my legs. Thanks for sharing this post.

. . . Paula - I'd venture that cis-gender folks don't think about it for the same reason I don't have to think about being right handed. I am that way naturally, and luckily the world has been created by, and for, right handers. No challenge, thus nothing to think about.

Hi Tina,

Funny thing, I was born left handed but raised right handed (long story suffice it to say it was an oddity in my life). While I am predominately right handed these days there are certain things which I do for my job which I default to left hand dominance without thinking about . . . I guess I am "transhanded" at heart.

Hugs

Isha

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Apart from the thrill of wearing female underthingies, the single greatest decider for me that being CD was going to be part of my life 'on some level' was the French movie La Cage Aux Folles. It felt so right to me that I went to see it 13 times, then years later bought the DVD so I could watch it again...and again.... I suspect that had I not seen it I would not be here on this forum, but more firmly in the closet.

Oddly enough I have never felt I was a freak, nor felt ashamed- but that doesn't mean I have the confidence that many of you have to go out and about en femme. 'On some level' it remains; the rest of the time I'm like totally butch, man. Ahem.

[msniki48]

Paula,

I think you nailed it. it is amazing the question marks that have passed through my head throughout my life...never new the word Transgender until I was 48 when a therapist said I was not crazy for dressing, but, that I was TG. Never knew there were so many of us until she referred me to the internet for support. and yes I tried very hard to over compensate through out my life to present male... to no avail

thanks for sharing

hugs

[TinaZ]

So much of a transition is mental, emotional and even spiritual in my opinion. The point is to really find who you are, and be that person.

These may be the wisest words I've read about being trans - especially your last sentence. Just beautiful.

Funny thing, I was born left handed but raised right handed (long story suffice it to say it was an oddity in my life).

Um ... I don't think I'm gonna let that one just sit there. Spill beans, lady.

[Amy Fakley]

Yeah ... also "I've always known on some level" does not mean "I've always known".

I've always wanted to wear girl clothes and to be able to let my naturally feminine tendancies have free reign. Right up to my very earliest memories.

However what that meant to me as an 8 year old, sneaking around my mother's hamper, was completely different than what that meant to my 17 year old self buying dresses at the thrift store the next town over, and different still than what it meant to my 38 year old self staring at a full and complete girl version of myself in the mirror.

I didn't always know how deep my rabbit hole goes, but I did always know I had a rabbit hole. If that makes sense.

[Michelle789]

Now it's true, some of us - not that many but some - identify so strongly as our gender that we assert from a very young age "I'm a girl!!!" despite having boy parts. This isn't common, and even some of us who do feel that way are often really beaten down and forced to conform. Because most mom's and dad's, until very recently, don't take such assertions well, and many even to this day, still do not.

So for the rest of us - we feel "something." Oh this usually starts at an early age, and it really gets going good for some of us as we hit puberty, and our bodies start to change in ways our brains rebel against. This is a weird feeling - seeing your face and body change in ways that repulse you, even as others tell you "my goodness - you are a handsome boy!" But we don't feel handsome. We feel horrendous!

So I asserted that I was a girl at the age of 5. My parents told me that I am a boy, end of discussion. Even at that age, I had already had it drummed into my head that my parents must be right, and that I must listen to them. For whatever reason, I learned to fear and trust them at such a young age. So guess what? While initially I might have looked like someone who literally "always knew", once my parents used their influence (or power) over me to tell me that I was a boy, I just immediately repressed my identity. The rest of my story looks more like those who "feel something". I tried to hide my feelings from myself, and tried to fit into the "male box" that I was assigned at birth. I wasn't particularly that good at it. I got by only because I was good in school and became a computer programmer. And even then, the kids in school, as well as some of the parents, used to call me gay, girl, or sissy. People teased me that I was gay or a girl right up until the end of 2013. I hated the changes testosterone made to my body - I hated the facial hair, the body hair, the deepening of my voice.

When I came out to people, some people were completely surprised that I was trans, and said they saw "nothing overtly feminine about me." Others were not at all surprised. There was even this one woman from AA who said that she always knew that I was transgender, and was just waiting for me to come out, and that it was "about time" when I finally did come out. Without going into any detailed explanations, she said that I seemed "so feminine". Probably my behavior or subtle gender cues were feminine.

There was one time that I publicly wore lipstick in front of a group of people, and that may have influenced some of them to see me as gay or girly, while others may have completely forgot about it. The woman who applied the lipstick on me wasn't surprised either. She told me that she felt a certain comfort level around me that she only gets around women. We also looked back at the time she put lipstick on me, and the time she bought me a birthday gift enclosed in a Victoria Secret bag. I remember walking outside of the restaurant carrying the bag and I totally felt like I was a woman who had just finished a shopping spree.

My brother was shocked by my coming out, but at the same time also said how this explains a few things. This explains why he said that my behavior always seemed feminine from as far back as he could remember - back to when we were little kids. He said that he thought that I might be gay, and that my mom and dad both thought I was gay.

There was even a friend who I thought I had hid everything from. In hindsight, his mom probably suspected something by my behavior. He told me that he remembers the time I showed him my stash of women's clothes. I actually don't remember this. I was probably drunk and had a blackout. Actually, he said that I was drunk, so yeah I was drunk and blacked out.



I hated everything masculine, but love everything feminine.

I hated being called a "handsome man" but love being called a "pretty girl" or "beautiful woman."

I hated my facial and body hair, but I love the softening of my skin, and my face and body becoming more softer and smoother.

I hated everything to do with male fashion, but I love female fashion. I never felt comfortable shopping for male clothes, so I had a couple of outfits I wore all the time. I feel way more comfortable shopping for women's clothes, and feel far more inclined to experiment.

I have far more respect for my woman's wardrobe than I did for my man's wardrobe.

I took no pride in growing a beard, mustache, showing off my facial hair. My facial hair is something that just didn't belong there and I had to learn to deal with. I love seeing my breasts grow, and take total pride in doing my makeup.

I never wanted to even try to date as a guy, but as soon as I started my transition, I was asked out by a wonderful transman, and said yes. We have been in a relationship for over 10 months.

I hated receiving advice about dating as a man. Talking about dating from a man's perspective, and the problems that men face, only made the dysphoria worse. Talking about dating as a woman feels more natural. Talking about the problems women face in relationships, and the lack of privileges we have, although it is painful to face the lack of privileges as a woman, I deal with it far better than I ever did when talking about male relationship problems. I am more willing to deal with, talk about, and confront the problems, and accept the problems as reality.

Everyone who has known me as both a man and a woman say that I seem way more relaxed, natural, happier, and myself, as a woman than I ever did as a man.

Cody, and a few other people in the trans community, who only knew me as a woman, but knew me before I started on hormones, all said that I seem far more relaxed and comfortable with myself since going on hormones. In fact, Cody said that he noticed that I seemed more relaxed and less awkward after about a month on hormones, which is the same time that I came out at AA.




So for most of us, the narrative looks more like.

"I knew, but I didn't know"

"I always had clues, but I didn't know until recently"

"Looking back, the warning signs were there, but I didn't heed them until last year"

"I had an inkling that I might be a girl when I was 5 (or that I was different from the other boys), but I didn't know I was a girl until I was 34"