Bruce Jenner caused me turmoil

[Rachelakld]

DADT is fine, until 'its hits the fan.
Communication is to me, far better than DADT, that way my wife know what 'its going to hit the fan, and when 'its going to hit the fan.

Proud of Bruce
Proud of Bruce's family and they way the are coping

[Michelle (Oz)]

Joanne, I hear and understand what you are saying. But, in a lot of DADT relationships, the "Out of Site (deaf ear), Out of Mind" attitude that some spouses take is so very unproductive and actually very damaging to a relationship. I believe that they are mistakenly trying to protect themselves from something they do not know nor understand and are very afraid to take the plunge to learn more. If they would seek dialog and understanding they would most likely realize that it is probably a lot less harmless than they think. If they had had the ability to talk about situations like Bruce's publicly coming out, or movies with some type of trans element, or just seeing another trans human being in their own protected little world, then they would be much better equipped to openly and honestly discuss their real concerns about their spouse. That is why I believe that the closed ears and mouth syndrome when it comes to discussing this side of ourselves is detrimental to their relationship and future. The spouses crossdressing is less of a potential problem then their refusal to get involved in talking about it. Ignoring the real world around them and in their own house is a very false risky blissful way of living.

Allie I must correct your view that a DADT arrangement is very damaging to a relationship. Sure in theory talking through issues might be a good option to resolve misconceptions but if a wife best copes knowing that her husband CDs but not wanting to see, talk, be involved with it then give her the space she needs to grow.

In almost 3 years from our first talk my wife has gone from suicidal to confident that I don't want to transition, I am not gay nor will leave her, i.e. the sort of things that wives worry about but no amount of assurance from a CD provides comfort. In that time too I know that she loves me totally by acknowledging my need to dress and coping in her way. Our relationship has grown stronger and stronger. Any attitude on my behalf that my wife didn't love me because she doesn't accept me would be self-fulfilling. Pushing her to become involved would also drive her away.

The dynamics of a relationship between two people and how each grows both individually and as a couple remain unique to that couple. I can at least provide testimony to the value of a DADT relationship. From what I read in the Forum, I am far from unique.

[Badtranny]

Misty, what makes you think this is likely?

'cuz

It just seems mathematically probable.

If she's been crossdressing for years, and she has TG friends, then don't you think it's unlikely that she HASN'T floated through here?

[Marcelle]

Hi Crossdrezzer,

I understand your angst that as the concept of being TG becomes a bit more "media driven" it has the potential to cause our SOs to question our own sense of being TG. As I become more and more public both in my private and professional life as TG, I get the old "so you are like Bruce . . . becoming a woman" comment a lot. I take that opportunity to educate people and inform them that being TG is not a strict binary. Binaries make people feel safe because they can pigeon hole others and when it comes to being TG the Vanilla world and to some extent our own community see it as an all or none event. Specifically you are either (1) In the club and transitioning or (2) just dressing for fun but still all guy. Sometimes it is not that easy and for me it definitely is not a simple answer 1 or 2.

I understand you are in DADT relationship but since your wife brought it up, take the opportunity to educate her on what CDing means to you. I know you did this already but I would still take a bit more time to reassure her about your own sense of being TG and be honest, if it is truly important to you to express it in whatever guise along the spectrum then tell her. Bruce has just provided you with the catalyst to discuss it further much like I am sure her revelation in the media has for others who water here. Capitalize on that and open dialogue with your wife . . . it is a good thing

[Kaitlyn Michele]

.....I reassured her that I am happy as a male and its a fetish of mine to feel fem and act fem in private and if I could delete this part of me I would since its so hated by society but I cant and its just a small part of me(even though its what I think of all the time). I keep that part of me in check....

this IS the problem...

you think of it all the time....you keep it in check....which is it???

and for what its worth, experience shows that although cd'ing is not being ts, its a very compelling and overwhelming feeling that cannot be controlled, it does not usually go away, and it often gets more consuming....

trust me i get it...its nice to avoid tough issues and BJenner brought the issue to the fore, but its inevitable.

maybe its an opportunity to prove this out to your wife who obviously has thoughts she wanted to share prior to the interview...

[Sharon B.]

It has been my understanding that even though they are divorced, Kris Jenner has played the field so to speak. That is why her first marriage fell apart she wasn't satisfy with one person. Even when she was married to Jenner she also played the field.

[mykell]

adrianna thanks for posting that clip of the show.....was sharing mikell with a therapy group that night, after seeing it whats not to like about the coverage, some real fears and emotions and concerns were shared and would be a wonderful resource to initiate conversation, not everyone will transition, crossdrezzer only you can answer honestly about your wifes concerns....

[emma5410]

'cuz

It just seems mathematically probable.

If she's been crossdressing for years, and she has TG friends, then don't you think it's unlikely that she HASN'T floated through here?

Perhaps she did and got banned

[Lvjim]

If you want to know how someone feels about crossdressing and transgender just bring up bruce jenner and hold on because most have an opinion that they will expess.

[AllieSF]

Hi Michelle (Oz), You are correct that not all DADT arrangements are bad or recipes for disaster in a relationship. I should have been clearer and specified that I meant those where the spouse hates it and refuses to even talk about it or try to understand it, thus leaving the trans spouse in a very difficult position. If the parties in the relationship can civilly talk about it when needed that is a different situation.

[Angie G]

I so very glad my wife has no fears of that. It must be hard for those who's ladys do have those fears.
Angie

[Michelle789]

@Crossdrezzer1

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's reaction. You did the right thing by telling her that this is a fetish and that you won't transition. This is a common fear that wives of CDers have, that they're going to transition. Most CDers (probably 98%) will never transition and are perfectly happy as males. A small percentage of us do.

The unfortunate part is, there are no guarantees in life. There is no way for her to know that you won't transition until after the fact (that is, if you do transition). There is no way unfortunately for you to be certain either. I am a TS, so I know from experience, that we often lie to ourselves, and tell ourselves that we're just crossdressers. I was convinced for 12 years (that is since I first learned what a crossdresser and a transsexual was) that I was a crossdresser. It was only after I started accepting myself as a woman, which wasn't until a year ago, that I knew that I was TS. I CDed on and off for an additional 9-10 years before I moved out to California, and I experienced symptoms of GD going back to when I was 5 - that is the earliest I remember. I also sometimes wondered if I was just a failure as a man - I wasn't very macho - not even close. I wasn't good at chasing after women. I tried to fit myself into the male box and wasn't very good at it nor was I fulfilled - but I still thought that I was just a CDer. Until my life unraveled 3 years ago. That is when I first seriously started thinking that I might be a TS. It took two more years of extreme torture to finally accept myself as a woman and as TS, and to begin transition. I have personally been much happier since I started my transition.

I really hope things work out for you, and that your wife understands that you'll probably never transition. If things don't work and start going out of control, you may want to consider couples counseling. The sad truth is there are no guarantees in life. People think they found Mr. or Mrs. right, only to find out that your spouse is a CDer or going to transition and become a woman (or a man). You never know what's going to happen. You could have a blissfully happy marriage, only to find out that your spouse committed some horrendous crime, or your spouse might suddenly die of a heart attack. Or get killed in an accident, or be abducted. Unfortunately, you can't prevent the unlikely doomsday scenarios from happening. But they do happen.

And there is a far better chance that you'll get divorced for a reason other than transition or even for being a CDer. Half of all marriages end up in divorce. Only 2-5% of the population are CDers, and only like .01% of the population are TS.

[Beverley Sims]

For a lot of us,just letting our wives see what is happening there, helps for understanding and an opportunity sometimes to open up dialogue.

I do not advocate using Bruce Jenner as an example, or comparison for your own arguments though.

[trishacd]

My wife watched the bruce jenner show and ran me threw the ringer.i had to explain i wasnt going to transition ,i just love dressing up as a woman.

[Kate T]

I agree with most of those here who have talked about the sheer fact that in a DADT there has been SOME line of communication opened.

It's whether you see it as glass half full or glass half empty. Glass half empty is the interview worried your wife and put pressure on you. Glass half full view is that not only has your wife seen a positive role model (and whatever has happened in Bruce's past relationships it is difficult to deny that she is a GOOD person) but ALSO it has given you a chance to talk to your wife about your feelings. I'd call those good outcomes.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm not a big fan of these ratings scripted reality shows. I don't watch any of them. Including Bruce's.

But, I won't condemn him for going for the notariety or bucks. And, how can getting everyone thinking and talking openly about T's be a BAD thing?

[Jennifer0874]

On a personal level the Bruce Jenner interview was a good thing for my wife and I. Throughout the interview she wanted to know how I was feeling and if it was hard to watch at any point.

After the interview she told me that she would support me if I ever needed to transition.

For my wife she was able to garner more understanding than fear or anger.

[lexivanderpump]

Dear Crossdrezzer1,
After Bruce's interview, the EXACT same thing happened to me as happened to you word for word. Same questions from my wife, same scenario as you. Luckily things are "back to normal".

Love,
Lexi V.

[Tracii G]

Funny thing is about this whole thing is I have respect for Bruce's kids now.
I hope it brings some light into the trans community.

[STACY B]

I thought is was pretty good interviews I saw both , My only problem is with the whole ( Meeting her thing)? What the hell is that supposed to mean ? Her, Bruce is her, Do they mean when Bruce will REALLY be presenting an Dressing Female ? Hell I guess Bruce will present female when He no longer looks like He ? He will have to jump the fence one day I guess. I just don't get all of the talk about meeting HER ? We don't make some Magical Transformation into someone Totally different ! Same Brain Same Body ,Maybe shaped different, Same personality , Maybe different in presentation , But same person different wrapper.

I certainly don't want to be different , I just want to be the female version of myself. Rough as it is, Take it or leave it, Only thing I think Bruce should have added is I am the same person an the only thing that happen to me when I was born was a slight birth defect that could have been fixed if Not for the Male testosterone running through my veins that turned me into what you see now an more so what you have seen in the past. Hormones are VERY POWERFUL thing that can make things appear different that what they really are.
That's why we take them to erase the damage they have done an to block them for future damages and get the right ones for our own Body an Soul now.
By the way if there had been a surgery preformed early on in young Trans peoples lives to remove said birth defect there would be alot less problems now for the simple reason as far as M.T.F Trans not having Testicals would help in the hormone process an we would not be (So called trapped in the wrong body) The body would not exist as we know it now. Just my thoughts !! Maybe in the future there will be some kind of test to see what your gender is Not Just your SEX . Maybe they will look past the package an see into the heart and soul of a person some how an Gender them then ?

[Vickie_CDTV]

Though they did mention it once during the original interview that not all men who dress are TSs, I do wish they had said it a few more times, and made it more clear. For the sake of the average cis viewer, as well as those who dress and have SOs who are worried about their husbands really being TS.

[Claire Cook]

For what it's worth, I kept asking my SO if s/he was going to transition for years! It takes a loooooong time for most people to understand the difference between CDers and transsexuals.

Hi Crossdrezzer,

Reine has nailed this conversation for me. My wife was very much the same way .. it literally took years for her to accept that even though I dress as female a lot, I am not going that route. So by all means keep that line of communication open and keep reassuring your wife that you are not going to transition. And keep bringing her flowers!

And society is becoming more accepting of us. I know I am constantly surprised at the lack of negative reactions I get when people find out that I CD. Just the other day I was at the checkout in a grocery store and the saleslady, perhaps tongue in cheek, asked to see my ID since I had a bottle of wine. She smiled and said "I want to make sure that you are over 40".. (Yes, dear, way over...). So looked at her and said "Do you really want to see it?" "Yes." "OK, I'll make your day...." So out comes my driver's license (umm, male, no wig or makeup in the pic...). She looks at it, looks at me and ... "I don't believe it!" "Believe it hon .. I AM over 40!" We had a good laugh at that .. as did the lady behind me.

So perhaps your angst about what society thinks is based a little bit on the possibility that you have not fully accepted yourself? if I've learned anything from this forum and from my experience, I had to accpedt myself before expecting others to accept me.

Have a great day ...

[Maxie]

I watched the whole thing. About 30 minutes into it my wife sat down with me. After about 5 minutes she got up and I asked her if it was too much for her and if so we could talk about it. She said she couldn't take anything serious from someone involved with "Kim" and the "K" clan. Later that night she told me that she loved me and showed me in her own special way.

[Suzanne F]

I am TS and yes I first just cross dressed. Sorry that the few of us who are in that category can cause cross dressers with spouses to face questions. However, what I think is most important here is that this has given all of us an opportunity to be kind to ourselves! We are not defective, we are just different than most. The OP says she would delete the part of her that is feminine. She acts as if she should be punished for her abnormality. How can we ask our spouses to support us if we hate this part of us? No! I will never do that again. Yes I love my wife and children. Yes this has caused them some pain. However I have become a better person to all of them since I faced and embraced who I really am. One day it will not be seen as some cancer to be cut out!
Suzanne

[char GG]

I didn't watch the Bruce interview, however, I read about it. What strikes me as odd is that he was married three times!

I can understand one time, maybe two, but three?