Bruce Jenner caused me turmoil

[crossdrezzer1]

I am glad for Bruce Jenner for doing what he thinks is right for him but it being all over the media and all is a problem for me and I would guess some of you. My wife is a DADT kind of lady and knows this side of me but wants nothing to do with it even though in the past I have received some lovely presents... She asked me the other day if I was going to do to her what Bruce did to his wife and transistion, she said she couldn't accept that if so.. I reassured her that I am happy as a male and its a fetish of mine to feel fem and act fem in private and if I could delete this part of me I would since its so hated by society but I cant and its just a small part of me(even though its what I think of all the time). I keep that part of me in check. Never less we had to have that conversation because of the media hype of Bruce...

[AllieSF]

That is not Bruce's nor any other out and about trans person's fault. That is a specific issue within your own household. I understand that you want to keep it under cover as much as possible because of your wife's viewpoint. However, that is not always possible. What if you both happen to see a trans person at the store or theater, is it their fault too because your wife may react negatively to it? Maybe these rare occurrences, like Bruce's very public coming out, are actually great opportunities to get your wife to talk more about the situation and to one day realize that us trans folk are not the horrors that some think we are, and that we are not going away, if anything more of us will be coming out of the closet. People need to realize that we deal with what life has given us, as you are trying to do, as best possible, and sometimes the supposedly offended party needs to take some time and make a personal effort to really try to understand all this "stuff". Maybe they need to get third party assistance, called counseling or therapy, to help them get their own mind around something that they do not want to know about, but also know will not go away. I think that some of them feel better with their head buried in the sand and more secure making their spouse suffer by not talking about something very important that needs a lot of talking about. I do wish you the best of luck.

So, obviously, in my opinion Bruce did not cause anything.

[Nadine Spirit]

She asked me the other day if I was going to do to her what Bruce did to his wife and transistion,

From what I can see, they are divorced. So what exactly was he doing to his wife?

if I could delete this part of me I would since its so hated by society

Interesting idea, it is not what I have encountered in the society I live in.

For the record, I think that what Bruce is doing is awesome. My sister texted me just the other day and said she saw the interview, loved it, and needed to chat with me. She knows about me, but is kind of DADT about me, the interview prompted her to want to talk to me about it. So I think it is a good thing.

[Ameli]

I think you should really be thankful to Bruce Jenner for this opportunity to talk to your spouse about this. I suspect it isn't the first time that she has wondered if you might some day transition and this was the opportunity to bring it up. I understand that it may have been uncomfortable for both of you, but sometimes just saying something makes it feel better. I'm sure it's hard for her to deal with this and she likely doesn't have many people that she can talk to about it.

Ameli

[Tracii G]

Oh right lets blame someone else for your problems.
Sorry this victim mentality people have these days really is annoying.
Your issues are brought on by you and no one else.

[CONSUELO]

As Allie pointed out, it is not Bruce Jenner's fault. Perhaps his public transition will initiate lots of conversations and perhaps some understanding. I hope so.

[I Am Paula]

I'm hated by society? I didn't know. They're treating me pretty good so far.

[~Joanne~]

I think what the OP is saying is, without all the media hype, the subject wouldn't have come up and his wife would still be in a DADT blissful way of thinking. We have had conversations here and there since I have been a member of this forum on whether or not our SO's would benefit by joining our site and for the most part, I don't see how since most of us have our own take on this whole thing, wants and needs that doesn't pertain to the next girl or the one after that.

Bruce is after all high profile right now and everyone under the sun is talking about him/her with or without any real knowledge of what they are talking about to begin with. All they are doing is talking babble and the common TV watcher is prone to believe that babble as bible. I can easily see this media exposure causing some SO's in a DADT situation to start thinking the worse case senerio in their relationships that just isn't there.

I don't think the OP is blaming bruce, I just don't think what he was saying was worded right. Of coarse this is just my opinion and I could be off base here when it comes to the OP.

[AllieSF]

Joanne, I hear and understand what you are saying. But, in a lot of DADT relationships, the "Out of Site (deaf ear), Out of Mind" attitude that some spouses take is so very unproductive and actually very damaging to a relationship. I believe that they are mistakenly trying to protect themselves from something they do not know nor understand and are very afraid to take the plunge to learn more. If they would seek dialog and understanding they would most likely realize that it is probably a lot less harmless than they think. If they had had the ability to talk about situations like Bruce's publicly coming out, or movies with some type of trans element, or just seeing another trans human being in their own protected little world, then they would be much better equipped to openly and honestly discuss their real concerns about their spouse. That is why I believe that the closed ears and mouth syndrome when it comes to discussing this side of ourselves is detrimental to their relationship and future. The spouses crossdressing is less of a potential problem then their refusal to get involved in talking about it. Ignoring the real world around them and in their own house is a very false risky blissful way of living.

As to having the spouse/SO join this site, if they have decent amount of common sense and can talk about issues in a mature manner, then yes, come to the site and see the real world of us trans members, all the good and not so good, depending on whose point of view. If they are sensitive to everything, or refuse to give their trans spouse a chance, then they should stay away from here, because, as a famous movie line goes, "They can't handle the truth!". That truth may be far from their worst fears, but they will probably never learn that simple relationship saving fact.

As others have already stated, it is an opportunity to talk about it. If the trans spouse does not have the courage to bring it up and insist that they talk about it, these type of situations can offer an alternative great moment to try to start talking. Otherwise, both are going to suffer unnecessarily.

[ReineD]

As to having the spouse/SO join this site, if they have decent amount of common sense and can talk about issues in a mature manner, then yes, come to the site and see the real world of us trans members, all the good and not so good, depending on whose point of view. If they are sensitive to everything, or refuse to give their trans spouse a chance, then they should stay away from here, because, as a famous movie line goes, "They can't handle the truth!". That truth may be far from their worst fears, but they will probably never learn that simple relationship saving fact.

Actually, there are more threads here that point or hint at the sexual aspect of the CDing, (or the thrill of it even if words like "fetish" or "sexual" are not used) than people who are transitioning. We can't put much stock into the words "I feel I am a woman", unless it is accompanied by concrete steps to body modification and presenting as a woman in one's daily life to people that one knows. Half the CDers in this forum refer to themselves as "women" when they are dressed and so these words have a wide spectrum of meaning, like anything else.

Back to what scares wives about the CDing ... the idea that their husbands don't need them, because they're having so much more fun CDing. Wives also get upset oveer seeing CDers flirt with each other with picture posting and comments. They wonder if their own husbands are attracted to other CDers.

So it's not just the transitioning ... and I suppose when you add it all up, it makes sense that marriages are simpler when crossgender expression doesn't come into it. It takes a LOT of reassurance from a husband to a wife to make it work, and this just takes time.

[Badtranny]

Has anyone considered that Bruce is very likely a member here?

[STACY B]

I thought is was pretty good interviews I saw both , My only problem is with the whole ( Meeting her thing)? What the hell is that supposed to mean ? Her, Bruce is her, Do they mean when Bruce will REALLY be presenting an Dressing Female ? Hell I guess Bruce will present female when He no longer looks like He ? He will have to jump the fence one day I guess. I just don't get all of the talk about meeting HER ? We don't make some Magical Transformation into someone Totally different ! Same Brain Same Body ,Maybe shaped different, Same personality , Maybe different in presentation , But same person different wrapper.

I certainly don't want to be different , I just want to be the female version of myself. Rough as it is, Take it or leave it, Only thing I think Bruce should have added is I am the same person an the only thing that happen to me when I was born was a slight birth defect that could have been fixed if Not for the Male testosterone running through my veins that turned me into what you see now an more so what you have seen in the past. Hormones are VERY POWERFUL thing that can make things appear different that what they really are.
That's why we take them to erase the damage they have done an to block them for future damages and get the right ones for our own Body an Soul now.
By the way if there had been a surgery preformed early on in young Trans peoples lives to remove said birth defect there would be alot less problems now for the simple reason as far as M.T.F Trans not having Testicals would help in the hormone process an we would not be (So called trapped in the wrong body) The body would not exist as we know it now. Just my thoughts !! Maybe in the future there will be some kind of test to see what your gender is Not Just your SEX . Maybe they will look past the package an see into the heart and soul of a person some how an Gender them then ?

[Michelle (Oz)]

Joanne, I hear and understand what you are saying. But, in a lot of DADT relationships, the "Out of Site (deaf ear), Out of Mind" attitude that some spouses take is so very unproductive and actually very damaging to a relationship. I believe that they are mistakenly trying to protect themselves from something they do not know nor understand and are very afraid to take the plunge to learn more. If they would seek dialog and understanding they would most likely realize that it is probably a lot less harmless than they think. If they had had the ability to talk about situations like Bruce's publicly coming out, or movies with some type of trans element, or just seeing another trans human being in their own protected little world, then they would be much better equipped to openly and honestly discuss their real concerns about their spouse. That is why I believe that the closed ears and mouth syndrome when it comes to discussing this side of ourselves is detrimental to their relationship and future. The spouses crossdressing is less of a potential problem then their refusal to get involved in talking about it. Ignoring the real world around them and in their own house is a very false risky blissful way of living.

Allie I must correct your view that a DADT arrangement is very damaging to a relationship. Sure in theory talking through issues might be a good option to resolve misconceptions but if a wife best copes knowing that her husband CDs but not wanting to see, talk, be involved with it then give her the space she needs to grow.

In almost 3 years from our first talk my wife has gone from suicidal to confident that I don't want to transition, I am not gay nor will leave her, i.e. the sort of things that wives worry about but no amount of assurance from a CD provides comfort. In that time too I know that she loves me totally by acknowledging my need to dress and coping in her way. Our relationship has grown stronger and stronger. Any attitude on my behalf that my wife didn't love me because she doesn't accept me would be self-fulfilling. Pushing her to become involved would also drive her away.

The dynamics of a relationship between two people and how each grows both individually and as a couple remain unique to that couple. I can at least provide testimony to the value of a DADT relationship. From what I read in the Forum, I am far from unique.

[AllieSF]

Hi Michelle (Oz), You are correct that not all DADT arrangements are bad or recipes for disaster in a relationship. I should have been clearer and specified that I meant those where the spouse hates it and refuses to even talk about it or try to understand it, thus leaving the trans spouse in a very difficult position. If the parties in the relationship can civilly talk about it when needed that is a different situation.

[Mark/Rebecca]

I never really thought much of the Kadashian clan either way, but those girls make their living off of the drama they create, and they kept that very private. Even Kris didn't weaponize it during the divorce. I certainly have a lot more respect for those girls. They seem much more human and likeable.

[Kate T]

I agree with most of those here who have talked about the sheer fact that in a DADT there has been SOME line of communication opened.

It's whether you see it as glass half full or glass half empty. Glass half empty is the interview worried your wife and put pressure on you. Glass half full view is that not only has your wife seen a positive role model (and whatever has happened in Bruce's past relationships it is difficult to deny that she is a GOOD person) but ALSO it has given you a chance to talk to your wife about your feelings. I'd call those good outcomes.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm not a big fan of these ratings scripted reality shows. I don't watch any of them. Including Bruce's.

But, I won't condemn him for going for the notariety or bucks. And, how can getting everyone thinking and talking openly about T's be a BAD thing?

[sometimes_miss]

I think what the OP is saying is, without all the media hype, the subject wouldn't have come up and his wife would still be in a DADT blissful way of thinking.

Basically, either that we or our SO remain in denial; the whole, 'if I ignore it it will go away' theory of problems in life. Which of course never works indefinitely; eventually, doing that just bites us in the ass. Unless of course, you die first.

[mykell]

i would hope that my wife would pay more attention to the bruce jenner media blitz but she wants no part, it gives an opportunity for conversation and opinions to be fielded and from what im seeing its fairly positive....not a bad thing in my mind.....

[sheilagirl]

After the Bruce Jenner special my girlfriend asked me about Sheila. I told her the truth and she totally accepted it!
I Love this woman!

[Adriana Moretti]

Bruce is bringing alot of things to light....I was just watching that special on E called About Bruce.....Hopefully he does the right thing and becomes a voice in the community. I found it interesting the tv show...and thought "Wow....people are going to be educated on some issues from this"....if only it was on a major network instead of E...

[msniki48]

You know I watched the interview and saw many parallels to my life as to all the reasons Bruce had not transitioned till late in life and many are the reasons I have not transitioned. It would be nice to move somewhere and do it quietly and just become niki, but i can't. I could not imagine Bruce doing it quietly as i'm sure she would love to have done. With all the paparazzi around checking her every move I believe she is forced to do this publicly, and sees this as an opportunity to bring it to the public as a learning experience. I am grateful. Those that know i am TG have all asked my opinion and i try to be as honest as i can. I really feel for her.

i only hope there is more empathy than jokes as this unfolds. Unfortunately or fortunately... for me, this has spurred a lot of feelings i have been suppressing and i think i'm going to go back to therapy to check on my own journey and make some choices for the future.


hugs,

niki

[KimBarely]

While the media coverage of Bruce's situation brings up an uncomfortable conversation/situation, it's her story and was amazing to hear it shared.

I've often noticed in my life that when a big personal life issue crops up how it seems like every single TV show instantly decides to weave it into the storyline. I swear my wife and I both heard the word "transition" or "transitioning" a couple times a day, every day in our respective workplaces the week after I came out to her as a CD'er.

By the way, Bruce's special was 6 whole days after I came out. I have good timing, right?!?

We watched it together. I freaked out a bit, I cried, my wife was calm. We were and still are in the reassurance phase.

The point is, there's no reassurance I could give my wife that would MAKE her not have the concern that I would do like Bruce and transition. She has to trust in what I share when we talk and will hopefully get where she needs to be. Let's face it, transition and/or being gay is probably the number one immediate concern for every wife or girlfriend of a CD'er. It affects them too! Big time!

The only ways through are communication which hopefully leads to some level of acceptance or conversely, non-communication which will end up in a broken marriage/relationship.

All that the Bruce situation did was put the issue in the forefront. It needs to be talked about and discussed. I want my wife to talk to me about her concerns. It's my job to allay those concerns.

[ReineD]

She asked me the other day if I was going to do to her what Bruce did to his wife and transistion, she said she couldn't accept that if so..

Your wife is saying what most every wife says in the beginning, except it usually comes in the form of the question, "Do you want to be a woman?"

I would say that a huge chunk of GGs cannot see themselves married to spouses who have transitioned from male to female. So your wife just saw Bruce in the media, and she wants reassurance, that's all. Just keep doing what you're doing ... tell your wife that you are a man, you will not transition, and you can add that the vast majority of CDers are like you. There aren't a lot of Bruce Jenners out there.

For what it's worth, I kept asking my SO if s/he was going to transition for years! It takes a loooooong time for most people to understand the difference between CDers and transsexuals.

[sheilagirl]

I feel very fortunate, in that, after 50 years, I feel pretty comfortable with who I am. I'm a Hetro-sexual Male that happens to, absolutely LOVE to wear clothing normally worn by Females. I have NO desire to become a Woman. I Respect Woman way too much to even assume that I have any idea what it's like to be them. All I know is that, for as long as I can remember, I have admired the natural beauty of Women and I've wanted to imitate that. My girlfriend is very understanding and I've assured her that I was not Gay, (not that there's anything wrong with that), and that I just happen to share a few of her "hobbies", like shopping for clothes and wearing make-up. She said that she had a feeling that I had those "proclivities" and was very excited about the prospects. We'll see...