Why I've been away for a while

[Allison Chaynes]

I think it's been a month or two since I've been here... I was coming to the site probably three or four times a day, and just started going through a real rough patch. I've had major heart issues, and even after surgery last year and a stent, still I don't feel right. My particular disease almost killed me twice, and if I had not done my own research, I'd be dead right now because the doctors don't know much about it. Thanks to the magic of Facebook, I've met others who have been through the same things. Unfortunately, all the signs are telling me seeing the age of fifty (14 yrs away) may not be in the cards. Throw in the fact that I could not work because medically I could not do most jobs and that added stress. I lost a job when the surgeon put a lifting restriction on me. Add a couple kids with ADHD who refuse to behave, and serious marital issues arise. Then add in that my surgeon failed to tell me about the whole dying during surgery and having to be revived thing until TWO MONTHS afterward, and I finally just came to the point where I had to ask myself why I should keep going. The therapist I saw basically sugar coated everything I brought up and only wanted to tell me about marriage games she learned from her Bible study. Yeah, THAT is why I pay you, I didn't come here for marriage counseling! Finally I ended up seeing a counselor at the VA, a PhD candidate, who did this thing called LISTENING. And he gave me honest feedback. Every thing I thought about as a solution was a textbook sign of severe, hopeless depression. I never thought I was depressed at all, just frustrated with all the things I have zero control over. While I never got to the point of holding the tool in the hand to end things, I thought about it a lot for about a week. I updated my will and directives. I thought it through, and the only thing stopping me was trying to find a way to make it look like an accident so the wife could still collect life insurance. Finally she blew up and laid into me about everything bothering her. Most of it was stuff I could do nothing about and I just lost it. I told her she was better off without me and I was done with everything. I rarely ever cry but I broke down and told her everything that I was feeling. The whole conversation changed and we both realized we love each other no matter what. I told her I have tried to control the Allison side, but reality is, I feel like I should have been born a woman, and if I were single, I would live full time as such, leaving all my extended family behind and moving wherever I could live freely. I told her if she wanted a divorce to take whatever she wanted, that I felt like I totally failed her. She held me and we just kind of sat on the bed for an hour. I told her I could live with Allison hiding for a while, but I don't know how long. I feel like my time in this life is limited and I don't want to look back with regrets. Plus, I'm a little jealous and frustrated how easily she was able to accept her sister being in a relationship openly with a MTF TS woman but not me, which I know is unfair, but it is what it is.

Anyway, I started a new job that pays OK, found a couple new hobbies, and had a girl in my facebook group thank me for sharing my story about my heart. Apparently she had similar symptoms and was getting a bypass after I told her to get checked out, so she credited me with helping save her. My wife is trying to accept that I may be trans and not "just" CD, and if I can't be 100% out, I can live with it as long as she tries to understand and hopefully accept she has both a husband and a wife all in one. I guess my point in all of this is that life is too short to ignore your reality and not truly LIVE, and it's perfectly OK to seek outside help when you are at your wit's end. You never know who you can help and influence either, you are not worthless.

[Christy Stevens]

Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope everything works out for you. If you ever need to talk, I'll be happy to listen. I have suffered from severe depression for a very long time. It helped me tremendously to know that I wasn't alone.

[Rhonda Darling]

Allison:

Thank you you for sharing your struggles of the mind, body and soul. I'm glad you've found a place of comfort with your wife after coming too close to the edge of life, both at your doctor's hand and at your own.

While obviously the right counselor can make a huge difference, and we are not a substitute for that, we here do have a role to play. We can listen and comment with a knowledge that only comes from living the TG life (in all its many manifestations). Please stay involved here and let us know how you're doing. Be sure to let your wife know that when you let the woman within out, she doesn't lose you, she gains a girlfriend who has your wonderful characteristics and who still loves her.

best, Rhonda

[Marcia Blue]

Glad to see you back in the forum. I pray your life has fewer mountains and valleys to navigate.
I am happy to here your wife has listened to you, as well as you listening to her. Only love and communication hold all that is dear close to you. Please enjoy your family and life. Little else matters in this world. Hugs of support and friendship to you and yours.

[Teresa]

Allison ,
The things we take for granted until major upheavals happen, I'm so glad that after all that life is worth living ! Life is too short to keep living with the , "what ifs and buts ! "
We know what it's in our minds and what Cding means, it's taken a harsh reality for your wife to understand and accept what you're saying ! You're not a useless incapable individual , you still have a lot to offer, lets hope you are allowed to live a fully rounded life with the support of your wife .

The thought of ending your life is not a pleasant experience , in the split seconds of driving myself under a lorry the thought of the other driver living with it kept my foot on the brake pedal, not the thought of my own life and family ! I look back as a lesson learned that life is too precious, now I have the enjoyment of grandchildren !

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Allison,

Thanks for sharing, sounds like you have had a rough ride there for a while.
Also, Thanks for your Service! I assume your visit at the VA means you spent some time keeping the rest of us safer. Thank you for that!

Depression and a feeling of hopelessness is one thing, but you cannot argue with heart problems. Having to deal with that at your relatively young age is a tough thing. Good thing is you are in treatment, have already had surgery and is on the road to recovery. If you are not feeling quite right yet it might mean there is still some things to get worked on, but you are at least on the path of getting better.

You know, life can often seem hopeless and our individual situations can seem completely overwhelming to the point where is doesn't feel like it is worth it. A lot of times, the drive to hang in there and make it through another day is something we have to really search for.
But the thing is, most of these feelings are self amplifying to the point where we can end up being our own worst enemy. We see nothing but the bad stuff around us and we end up actually making it worse. Then people around us start giving up a little and there you have it, the self amplified self destruction cycle.

Sometimes, when you find yourself at the bottom of a deep hole, the best thing to do is to put down the shovel!

A good way to turn things around is to see every single part of your life as an isolated issue, and then think about how to make that one thing better. If your heart condition prevents you from labor intensive jobs, work at changing to desk type work etc. I know .. you dont just do that, and maybe it requires you getting some training or schooling first. Put a plan together and start working in that direction. Sounds like you found a job now so that is a good start.

Kids ... yeah well, the trick there sometimes is to realize that there is only so much you can do about it at that stage. All you can really do is offer them advise and hope they get it sooner or later.
You cant stop them from stumbling, but you can be there to catch them when they fall!

You mention being frustrated about not being in control of a lot of things. The solution is to work on not worrying about the things you are not in control of and instead focus on the things you do have some control over.
One small success can make up for a lot of frustrating problems! Start working on small victories!
Your sharing of your heart issue story on Facebook might have saved the girls life! I would say that counts as a good one!

When I have a bad day, and believe me, I do, I look for something I can get done which has a high probability of success. Might be something simple like fixing some little broken thing that has been bothering me. I know it will cheer me up to check it off the list and I feel better when it is done.

Continue talking to your wife about how you feel. If you dont, she has no chance of helping you. When you let frustration become depression, and you bottle it up inside without letting her in, her natural reaction will be to more or less give up on you! She becomes frustrated too and can blame you for a lot of little stuff. There it goes again, a self amplifying bad circle.

Your gender issues is part of the big picture and also needs to be addressed of course, but it is just part of the picture! Talking to your wife about that is also important and finding a way to incorporate it into your life at some level will help move it from the negative to the positive side. Start working on success in that area too, just remember that some things has to be dealt with in small bites at a time.

Allison: I guess my point in all of this is that life is too short to ignore your reality and not truly LIVE, and it's perfectly OK to seek outside help when you are at your wit's end. You never know who you can help and influence either, you are not worthless.

Exactly! Let others help you find your way and your place in life. You cannot do it alone! Sometimes just talking about what frustrates you, like you did here, is a good step. Just remember that to get help, you have to be willing to receive it!
And the second part of what you said there, "You never know who you can help ... " it exactly right too. As tough as your situation might seem to you, there are others who have it worse. You have the ability and capability to reach out and help others! You can do it right here in this forum as one place of many. Put some thoughts into advise and suggestions for others who need it! It doesnt take much sometimes, just a friendly word of encouragement can make someone else feel they are not going through this alone and it can be their first little push to get better.

Nobody is worthless! Nobody!

Hugs
Suzie

[Janet161]

Hi Allison,

Thank you for such a personal and thoughtful post. So much of it is so very familiar to me. I have had the same feelings you have had. Your efforts to deal with those feelings are very impressive and show a real strength of character in you. I am thankful for your post because I find it kind of affirming to me and it helps me to validate my feelings and what I am going through. That's a constant struggle as I am sure you know. Your words have really helped me and I want to thank you again. It took a great deal of courage for you to share your very important and significant story. I want you to know that it meant so much to me. I wish you the very best as you continue your journey.

[Beverley Sims]

Allison,
No one is worthless or useless.

Life is too precious for that.

I suggest you toast it and then go out and enjoy it.

[Allison Chaynes]

Thank you all for the kind words, advice and thoughts. The last couple weeks have been much better in most regards. We had a great time celebrating our anniversary last week, completed a FIVE MILE RUN which I did not think I could do, and I am getting small tasks around the house taken care of that were being put off. I will find out Monday how my echocardiogram went, I am a little worried since I am having a very noticeable irregular heartbeat again, but nothing I can do about that except just appreciate each day I wake up.

[victoria76]

I hope everything works out for you!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Good to read your 2nd post Allison, though I hope your wobbly heart doth mend. I imagine that talk with your wife took a huge weight off your shoulders.

As others have said, please do keep in touch with us- we may not all know each others faces, but to a great degree we do understand each others hearts.

Sincere best wishes, as well as hugs,

Nikki