Hullo everyone

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Last July on vacation in UK I had my CD epiphany, with full-on pink fog. Once home again I crossdressed very little, mainly for photo sessions, and found myself waiting for this year's UK visit to really immerse myself again.

Total anticlimax.

I bought some new dresses etc within 48hrs of arriving, which was a pleasure (excellent treatment from a gg sales assistant in Debenhams), but the pink fog failed to descend and although I wore femme clothing much of the time in the privacy of my friends' homes and gardens, my only proper excursion was in fairly girly clothing for a (very enjoyable) day out with Pamela7 and Welshgirl. I didn't dare wear make up and wig. Pam and I didn't notice much in the way of reaction, but Welshgirl says there was plenty! We were in the picturesque town of Rye, not particularly famous for its high quotient of crossdressers. Thank you both again for making that long journey.

Being featherheaded I went to the station 2 days too early, but once I got back to my friend's house, something changed... and within an hour I had on make up, long blonde wig, floral tights, a short floral dress over girly floral shorts, and a floral shawl with a long fringe...and off I went up the street to walk a couple of blocks to another friend's house. Since I still don't own any female footwear I opted for the old hippie standby of white tennis shoes. Please forgive me the shoes oh my sisters.

This was the first time I had ever been truly out in public in wig and make up, in any country, and it was pretty easy. I passed a few people, none of whom attacked me with sticks or screamed with laughter, and the journey felt comfortable, enjoyable. Later my friend drove me to another friend's house, which since he's 82 years old and drives slightly under walking speed was a bit nerve-wracking- pedestrians overtaking us could have spotted me and spray-painted rude messages on the bodywork- but the journey passed without incident and I got a great greeting from my friend, the gg whose house I'd had the original epiphany in.

But still no pink fog, and no repeat of the sisterly feeling I'd had with my gg friend. I find myself wondering how much I really want to crossdress any more.

When I got home, and on the phone while I was there, my wife asked me if I'd enjoyed the crossdressing. She seems genuinely ok with it, though she's still not seen anything more than pics of Nikki.

What was very disappointing was not to have met Katie888 while I was there, though it came very close to happening and I very much hope that one day it will. It was entirely my own fault- I was getting very short of money by the time the opportunity came up, and it also meant a 5hr round-trip train journey (I'd already spent a lot of time on trains both getting to UK and going to see another old friend), so again, I'm sorry Katie- I hope you'll forgive me and that your delicate hand, hairpin poised above the heart of your Nikki voodoo doll, will hesitate and withdraw.

...so...I'm not sure how much time I'm going to spend on the forum from now on; less than before, I imagine, though I'm sure I'll still look in pretty regularly. Crossdressing will always be an aspect of my personality, but because of my circumstances it seems likely to remain in the background. This makes me sad, and I hope it won't mean I'm much less of a complete person because of it.

My love to you all,

Nikki

[KittyD]

Hey Nikki

"I find myself wondering how much I really want to crossdress any more."
You can only do what feels right for you at any given time... If your not feeling it at the moment... then walk away from it... take a break
"A change is as good as a rest."
I think we all get wrapped up in things we love sometimes and it can be a heavy or hard price to shoulder...
Sit back and take stock and relax your mind

The pink fog will return sooner or later

Kate

[Suzie Petersen]

Sorry Nikki, but I'm afraid you cant do that!

Thank you for staying at Hotel California! You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!!

So on a slightly more serious note (although the above still stands!!), I think you made a mistake in expecting to repeat a previous success. That usually result in disappointment, especially when it involves other people. Every visit with friends or any outing will have its own highs and lows.

You know as well as any, that these feelings sometimes come and go and the reason for this is rarely clear to us. The usual advise applies, dont purge but keep your things as your feelings might change soon again.

Since I still don't own any female footwear

GASP!!!! Really!! That surprised me to be honest. For me, the heels was always one of the primary things.

Hugs
Suzie

[Sarah-RT]

Nikki that's one of the reasons I find it hard to share with people that I CD because when you tell them I feel that they expect you to do it or talk about it etc but then the moments of doubt come where I wonder if I was mistaken about it and have now made myself look a fool by telling them, and wasting their time being supportive. That's the big challenge I have is that it's not a constant desire.

I guess Suzie is right though, welcome to the hotel california

[Katey888]

Total anticlimax.

Of course, had we successfully met, it almost certainly would not have been...

I'm glad you made it home safely, and I also hope that one day we'll have the chance for tea and tiffin at some other portentous time - and there's a good chance that would happen in rather slobby boy mode (certainly from my side) because that is largely what I'm like. On a serious note, that's because the bigger part of my identity isn't around my feminine aspect - although I have no doubt it is always present as part my persona - and perhaps you're similar and just finding your balance and comfort levels which is always a Good Thing, right..??

Many who find this place exhibit similar characteristics in how they interact here and sometimes how their dressing escalates - I believe that to be a normal reaction to finding a place that accepts, understands and on the whole is very supportive of something that elsewhere may be misunderstood, stigmatised and at least seen as rather odd. I wouldn't wish a lifetime of this pursuit on anyone but it does seem likely that those of us who've had it for a while are unlikely to ever fully recant, so I guess we'll still be seeing you around and you'll probably still be getting that urge from time to time - so just enjoy your new found harmony, and the hours of free time every week that a lack of pink fog has almost certainly released for you...

So don't be sad, I'm sure you're nothing less than the complete person you were before.

Katey x

[Victoria Demeanor]

Nikki!!!!!!!!!!! I been wondering where you were.
Well it sounds like you had a good trip, but you really should have checked the weather. There was a high pressure front that was pushing the fog out to sea......Ooh.... it was an interesting time to be a sailor........

Your membership card doesn't expire, so no need to be turning it in. I think you know, like the rest of us that this comes and goes, but never goes completely away. besides I think we would really miss you around here.

Like Suzie I too am surprised at your lack of female foot wear. Now I'm not sure what to think, you have me questioning reality itself....is there a glitch in the matrix?????? is the earth actually flat?????? No heels??.... No wedges??? ..... not even any sandals?.......my mind is melting.....I need to try to think of something easier, like whats past the end of the universe............
Great to see you again Nikki
Victoria D

[pamela7]

It was great to meet you too, we have at least proven the legendary welshgirl is real (as well as lovely)!

Maybe reality is/can be underwhelming? I find thrills are greatest the first time I'm on a fairground ride, and progressively less the more times I do the ride. This is normal and why adrenaline junkies and thrill-seekers push the envelope further all the time.

Allow the lull and the Eagles will lure you back ;-)