Bigendered, Bisexual, and Relating to No one at the Moment.

[VikkiVixen7188]

With the whole Bruce Jenner thing lately, it's getting pretty easy to hear everyone's opinions on transsexualism. I'm struggling hard lately people.

I love a woman dearly, enough to marry here in the near future (5yr relationship). She knows I like guys, but not how much, and if I told her it would rip her heart out.

I have a very good friend of 2 years who I connect with on a level I don't connect on with anyone else, but I learned lately that he is completely ignorant about transexuals.

I play in a band that is very tight, we look out for each other and take care of each other on and off the stage. Found out yesterday if they hate transsexuals.

It feels like I am walking around with a switch, and if I push it, everyone around me will hate me. If I don't push it I might hate myself.

I don't really make these kinds of posts. I'm usually the strongest person in a given crowd, but I'm crumbling today and I need help.

BTW: I really appreciate the yearly happy birthday e-mails I get. I haven't posted in years, but it's good to know my account is always active and somebody knows I exist.

Damn some, emo-tier here, but I kinda feel like dying.

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

I can't say I can relate to your specific issues, but I do know how it feels to be around a bunch of people who disagree with my views and beliefs. You did a good thing by posting here. We're on you side and are here to let you know you are not alone.

This situation with the woman in your life will be very delicate. If you know you cannot give up relationships with men she needs to know that. Just like CDing, everything needs to be on the table when you get married. Otherwise you are creating unfair situation in your relationship.

Try to find that strength within yourself. We'll be here to help you along the way.

Bridget.

[Alice Torn]

Vikki, I am 61, have not had a girlfriend in decades, never had sex, but i can relate about being with a lot of people who would not understand much, and truly could not stand being around a crossdresser. That was church, my family of origin, and people i know some. It is overwhelming pressure inside at times. Keep posting on here if you feel overwhelmed!

[ReluctantDebutant]

I find that most people in life have two views on things one on some abstract concept and one on reality or real people they know. You might not change their views on transsexualism but they still might like you for who you are in the end.

[flatlander_48]

VV:

I identify as bisexual and transgender, so I think I understand what you're saying. It must feel like there's no place left for you. Can't really suggest a way forward, but it feels like either you have to do some teaching or find new friends. There doesn't appear to be much middle ground.

DeeAnn

[mechamoose]

I'm a misfit in almost every way you can imagine.

I'm a cross-gendered, cross-identified, cross-eyed person.

You like who you like, You don't don't have to apologize for that. I may not understand or agree with that, but I don't need to.

I'm seriously bisexual. I don't care what bits you have, if YOU turn me on, I want to make YOUR bits happy.

To me it is more about the person than anything else. They didn't get to pick, neither did you. A cool person is cool. Gender/sexuality/identity is SUCH a small part of that.

I have these arguments with my 'still' straight identified BF. (He gets awfully interested in my male bits for being straight)

If you *like* someone, then WTF does it matter how the rest of it falls? He has a pretty girl in his life, I'm married to a woman I *won't* leave. I'm not looking to take any of that away.. but what turns you on turns you on. There is no reason to apologize for that.

Broccoli/Cauliflour

Different modes of the same form, sweetie.

- MM

[PaulaQ]

Honey, non-binary people, either in terms of gender identity or sexual orientation have a hard old time in this world. I wish I could tell you differently, but I can't. If it makes you feel any better, I'm binary gender identity aligned (trans woman - really, really girly), but bisexual.

What I can tell you is that you have to be true to yourself. Others here will tell you "oh no, don't do anything unless you have to!" but my view is that you have to be open and honest about yourself, whatever that happens to be, however you identify. Yeah, you'll pay a price for it. Sometimes a really big, horrible price. But the alternative is to entomb yourself in a life built out of lies. It's a kind of living death. I can't recommend it, Vikki.

[CynthiaD]

Well Vicki, it sounds like you're having a rough time. I'm surrounded by people who think transsexuals are weird freaky weirdos, etc. And I'm sure if they took the time to learn the difference between the different kinds of transgendered people, they would feel the same way about all of us. But I just think to myself, so what? I'm the smart one. They're the dumb ones. Who cares what they think? I know it's natural to crave the understanding and acceptance of others, but sometimes it just isn't possible. When this happens, tighten you belt, hold your head high, andbe true to yourself.

And as for dying? I wouldn't give them the satisfaction!

[hope springs]

What you feel inside will never go away. It comes down to what suppressing those feelings will do to you. Often in life, the best decision is the hardest road.
From what little information I have, the best road seems to surround yourself with people who would understand. You can't imagine how freeing it is. Your whole self is embraced and there is no more fear. If she can't accept all of you, walk away. If the band can't accept all of you, walk away. There are plenty of musically talented people who will accept all of you. I really hope you can find a way with your current people. But don't be afraid to walk if you cant

[TrishaTX]

I did the bisexual thing for quite awhile but once you commit to a relationship, unless both parties agree, you need to commit to the one person. I made this mistake for awhile and it kills you inside. If you can't be honest , you can't be in a relationship. I would be true to you and explain the situation and see how it goes.

[Rogina B]

Like some others,I will say to "come out" and stop hiding. They all may be shocked initially,but then you have a chance to educate as you explain yourself to them. After that[they need to process it] some will friend you others will dump you..so what? Better to come out to them than just leave them in your wake without an explanation of "why"....In the future,surround yourself with people that "get it"...and you have to live true to yourself to judge that!

[ReineD]

I find that most people in life have two views on things one on some abstract concept and one on reality or real people they know. You might not change their views on transsexualism but they still might like you for who you are in the end.

This is the best answer ever.

Do you want to present as a woman regularly to your bandmates and your girlfriend or do you just want them to know that you cross the gender-boundaries and then dress on your own when you can. It might be a good idea to think about what you want before deciding what to tell them. If your friends are your age, they won't have as many prejudices as older people. Some of them may not want to see you dressed, but do you really think the people who love you will think less of you when they find out?

As to the difficulty with your gf about your sexual preferences, it's not being bisexual so much as you wanting someone other than her. People who aren't bi go through that all the time too. Relationships settle into the mundane after some years together, sex isn't what it used to be and some partners begin fantasizing about others. It's devastating when a partner wants someone else, no matter their sex.

So when you say that your gf knows you like guys but doesn't know "how much" does this mean that men do it for you more than she does? If this is the case, she needs to know. You don't want to start a marriage on that footing because things will only get worse. Also, if guys do it for you more than she does, then you might want to see if you can be in a relationship with a guy and not see him just for sex. You might be happier in the long run.

I have a close female friend who is bi. Actually she was in a relationship with a woman for about 10 years and identified as lesbian. But they broke up, she was single for a few years, and then she met a man that she fell in love with. They've been married for about 5 years and they couldn't be happier. She identifies bi now because of her history. During both these relationships, my friend didn't lust after anyone else. Being bi does not have to mean that a person will automatically want to cheat with a person who is opposite-sex to their partner. My girlfriend is one of those rare people who can be just as comfortable being in a relationship with a man or a woman, but while in that relationship she is satisfied.

[JenniferR771]

Lets talk.
Your local crossdressers support group meets in Grand Rapids at the Network LBGT center 343 Atlas SE, on Friday June 6. Arrive between 5:30 and 6:30.
Sponsored by our facilitator the amazing and attractive, Billie.
http://crossdressersmichigan.com/

[heatherdress]

Vikki - Wow, you really feel down and conflicted. You are going to have to deal with these conflicts and you will need some help. Maybe a therapist, or a friend you can trust. It does not seem OK that you would ignore your real feelings and hide them from your girlfriend. It will be much worse for both of you if you don't find a caring way of telling her and figuring out what is best for both her and for you.

If you need to be open with your very good friend of 2 years, make an assumption that he cares about you as a close friend and trust that he will accept and maintain your friendship. Sharing personal and intimate feelings can result in even stronger friendships and relationships. If he rejects you, you can find a new friend.

And there is not much you can do about the guys in the band if they have strong feelings against transsexuals. Do you really have to tell them anything?

Most important, be true to yourself. You will be happiest if you look out for yourself. Be proud of who you are and be who you are.

[Tracii G]

Vikki I can relate to a lot you are dealing with.

[Sakura_Wulfette]

Actually you described this ALMOST perfectly to how I feel as well - I'm afraid of fully coming out in fear it will trigger the people I love (family, namely)
So these responses will help both of us, I'm sure

Well Vicki, it sounds like you're having a rough time. I'm surrounded by people who think transsexuals are weird freaky weirdos, etc. And I'm sure if they took the time to learn the difference between the different kinds of transgendered people, they would feel the same way about all of us. But I just think to myself, so what? I'm the smart one. They're the dumb ones. Who cares what they think? I know it's natural to crave the understanding and acceptance of others, but sometimes it just isn't possible. When this happens, tighten you belt, hold your head high, andbe true to yourself.

And as for dying? I wouldn't give them the satisfaction!

Seriously thank you for the response, it's already helped ME feel more at ease. I appreciate it.

[BillieAnneJean]

Vikki,
You are welcome at our next IN meeting June 12th. You will always find non judgmental people there who will offer support if you desire and fun always.

I can well remember when my life was HELL and I thought it would NEVER get better. That living was the hardest thing to do....................

But things can and do get better. It is like a huge ship seemingly going to crash in to a far off bridge. Everyone is certain of the impending disaster. But the helmsman has made a slight change. Almost imperceptible. He waits. he sees that the angle is changing. Only he can see it. Everyone else is still sure that the crash is certain. But those small changes in direction have a huge effect. The ship passes the bridge at a safe margin.

I made small almost imperceptible changes to my course. I had to. The efforts were really small. But combined and early enough, they did the trick.

Another thing to consider is that your relationships must be built on the real you. Sooner or later the real you will be apparent. How long depends on how much work you put in to it and how close you are to the people. Your girlfriend will certainly find out and that may be a disaster. As for the band, finding someone to replace you may be difficult enough that they HAVE to accept you. One way to deal with them is, the next time someone says something negative about TS people or gay people, say something like "If your child came out to you, would you cut yourself off from that child?"

As for Jennifer's comment "Sponsored by our facilitator the amazing and attractive, Billie." you may be disappointed. I am only a little bit amazing and attractive more so when it is dark.
Hugs!
Billie

[sometimes_miss]

It feels like I am walking around with a switch, and if I push it, everyone around me will hate me. If I don't push it I might hate myself.

Well, lots of us can relate to what you're feeling as far as the 'them hating me' situation. I've gotten used to that over the years; but we can't be liked and loved by everyone. Growing up as the outcast at school, I learned that early on, but didn't know that lots of other kids felt the same thing when they wanted to be friends with someone who simply didn't like them. As far as the 'I might hate myself' thing, well, I feel the tug towards TS as well, even though I'm not. I comfort myself by realizing that most of life is not gender or sex specific. We wake up the same, turn off the alarm clock the same, walk to the bathroom the same, basically wash the same (albeit with a few different parts, but the rest is the same), cook our food the same, butter our bread the same, take juice out of the fridge the same, eat our breakfast the same, walk the dog the same, start the car the same, drive to work the same, etc., all the while we have to remember that women don't focus on how they walk, how they sit, how their bodies move at all, even though we tend to because we want to supposedly feel what they feel (they don't feel anything, because it's all normal to them).
Life is pretty much the same, girl or boy. The actual differences are truly minimal. It just seems like a big deal when you want something that you don't have. Try to focus on the little things in life that you DO have, along with this: Dont think of all the things you don't have that you want to have. Consider all the things that you DON'T want that you don't have. You don't have HIV. You don't have tuburculosis. You don't have ebola. You don't have an angry husband coming after you with a gun (or at least I hope youdon't). You don't have a bookie coming after you to break your arm because you're behind on your gambling debts. You're not in a war zone getting shot at and having bombs dropped on you. You're not already married, with six kids, an angry 'used to look hot' wife that now weighs 230 pounds and cut all her hair off and now has a 'woman's parts infection' that won't go away because she's cheating on you with your brother who had crotch rot, you don't have a house in a flood zone that just became one because they built a new highway which took away all the wetlands so now your house floods, you don't have your hair falling out in clumps, you don't need dentures (yet), The list of life's miseries just goes on and on, and you don't have any of that quite yet, anyway I hope. At least, you don't have all of it. So as the 70's song goes, just be thankful for what you've got. Enjoy an ice cream soda on a hot day, put your feet up, and watch the girls and guys go by. Life isn't so bad.

I have to go through this practically every day at work with my crisis patients. It does give me some perspective on things.

[Dana44]

Vikki, I'm bisexual, but in any relationship male or female you need to be true to that person. Oh boy, I know the feeling like dying. I've looked into the horizon trying to figure out why I'm this way and the loneliness that comes from it even when in a relationship, but staying true to one person is great! From experience, a person who loves you is the one you need.