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Thread: Processing out loud

  1. #1
    Junior Member Tristessa's Avatar
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    Question Processing out loud

    I've identified as CD for the last two years. I've made a lot of progress towards integrating my femme self in that time - I am figuring out my femme style and am starting to really like the way I look in the mirror, am spending increasingly more time as my femme self, and I've even come out to a few safe people. My wife and the friends I've come out to have been very encouraging.

    Lately however, and turning 40 and the Caitlyn Jenner thing have not helped this at all, I've grown increasingly preoccupied, way beyond the Pink Fog moments I've experienced in the past. I'm beginning to see bits of evidence that suggest that my gender identification is far more complex than being a male that sometimes wears women's clothing. I can faintly remember some early leanings towards cross-role behaviors that were quickly squashed by others. Ever since the onset of puberty, my relationship with my body has been extremely dissociative - as a male, I often forget to attend to my physiological needs, kind of treat my body like garbage, and dress pretty slovenly because of how disinterested I am in male fashion. Once I leaned in to my femme side, I suddenly became far more responsive to my body, caring about how I look and feel, enjoying shopping for clothing, and finding maintaining motivation towards weight loss much easier than when I identified as cis-male. I am also much less engaged in other vices when I am more in touch with my femme self, and am less depressed and anxious, and sleep better.

    Sexually, while I have always found looking at women arousing, and have never consciously felt similarly towards men, I often find the actual act of hetero sex to be somehow short of my expectations, even kind of gross sometimes, and don't really have a lot of drive in that area. My porn interests have always been almost exclusively female-solo or girl-on-girl. My autosexuality has always richer and more active, but has been elevated to entirely new levels as I allow my feminine side to be present. I seem to have much less need or use for porn now. Taking a cue from that and bringing my femme self into my marital bed has demonstrated that, as a girl, I'm downright randy and eager to play a more feminine sexual role. However, that's not always straightforward, and I'm starting to have some sexual fantasies that me and/or my wife are not physiologically equipped to experience. My wife and I are actively trying to figure out what that looks like while still honoring her needs.

    I am also feeling an increasingly strong desire to be "out" and to have my femme self be seen by others. While I haven't ventured out yet, my desire to rashly do so without regard for the consequences is getting stronger. I am, as of right now, 100% committed to going to SF Pride at the end of the month (the Trans March, probably), and am looking forward to finally having others witness this part of me. I have come out to a few people much earlier than I anticipated because of this desire to be out of the shadows. The response has been good so far, and to my surprise, most have been less surprised than I would have anticipated. This has caused me to reflect on what I've been showing the world, and whether others have known for longer than I have; I'm finding that, rather than worrying about what others might have seen and intuited about me, I actually want them to have guessed at the truth.

    In parallel with all this self-experimentation, I have been academically engaged in a critical deconstruction of gender, particularly of the male role. Part of my motivation for remaining engaged in this dialog is almost certainly my strained relationship with my male self, but I also wonder whether my current perception of the male role as almost entirely bankrupt contributes to my current gender dysporia. This analysis has highlighted a number of behaviors and personality characteristics that are decidedly "unmanly", but which have become quite central to my sense of self and my social and professional identities.

    All that said, I still enjoy aspects of my male self, and on many days, want to present as male (although it's hard to separate intrinsic motivations from extrinsic ones). I don't have a compelling enough feeling that I'm in the wrong body (although I have moments) to want to identify as a trans-woman, although I frequently wonder how repressed I actually am and what my heart would truly want if it was given free reign. Then again, I also question whether I'm just tricking myself into all of this as some form of masochistic self-denigration rooted in deeper pathology. It's a roller coaster, but right now I'm pretty convinced that my true gender identification lies somewhere in the middle.

    So my language has shifted - I am no longer identifying as CD, but as trans-spectrum or bi-gender. This new identification comes with a mix of excitement and fear, as leaning further into this identity will not be an easy journey, as you all well know. While I couldn't be in a better profession (psychology) to undergo a transition in my gender identity and presentation, and anticipate my colleagues to be mostly supportive and minimially microaggressive, I could never ethically show up to a client session in anything but my cis-male presentation, which greatly limits how integrated I can actually be without rebooting my career and becoming a gender therapist (would require extensive re-training). I also fear that, while individuals with whom I have direct contact will be receptive and encouraging, I will experience a different response institutionally, and may become marginalized within my profession.

    Furthermore, my family is extremely rigid and bought into cis- and gender-normativity, and has reacted very badly to even little tests of their tolerance. For example, I came to a family event with my toes painted (I also had my legs shaved and was wearing ladies underthings, but they didn't know that), and my brother pulled me aside to lecture me on how he felt I was creating confusion and anxiety for his children by not "staying in the lines". I tried to educate him on transphobia and why it's better for kids to have early exposure so they don't absorb stigma, but ultimately I feel compelled to respect his choices as a parent. My mother is on record saying that she's not comfortable with trans-identifying people. My dad doesn't have to say anything, I know he'd freak out. They don't feel safe at all to me, but limiting myself to cis-male behavior around them feels stifling and makes me want to scream. I don't think I'll be able to hide from them forever. Right now, I'm avoiding them as much as possible.

    So that's where I'm at right now. Confused and afraid, but excited and hopeful as well. Any perspective, advice, encouragement, or resources would be very helpful. Thank you all so much for being here and being so supportive.

    Tristessa

  2. #2
    Junior Member Melissa_Rose's Avatar
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    I understand exactly how you feel with your career except I lack the understanding of my colleagues. I am a physician and practice in a small town. I am known to everyone and facing the idea of a public transition is hard. I also face the potential destruction of my business and financial security.

    The idea of picking up and starting over isn't practical and the idea of interacting with patients after transition seems inappropriate. Plus I honestly doubt I would be well accepted in the community.
    Add the overwhelming desire to not live a split life and just exist as me, and I am very conflicted as to how to proceed.
    I am doing what I must to be happy. I just take it one step at a time. I wish it was easier.
    Melissa
    In my head I am a size 6.. in the mirror I see a size 14
    One day I hope mind and mirror match

  3. #3
    Junior Member Tristessa's Avatar
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    Thanks Melissa, your response was very validating. I can't imagine trying to navigate a transition in a small town where it would be impossible to disappear for a while, particularly in one where there isn't already a visible population of non-cis individuals. I imagine there are a number of us in this same position - how do other people achieve a sense of comfort around leading a "split life"?

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    Silver Member STACY B's Avatar
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    Welcome to the Jungle, Easier said than done, And trying to keep your friends and family Happy in the mean time is another thing. Trust me we all know where your at and don't envy you in the least,lol,, GOOD LUCK

  5. #5
    Junior Member Tristessa's Avatar
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    Thanks, Stacy. Where have you landed re: the balance between being out and maintaining relationships with friends/family/colleagues?

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    Leisure Lady Vivian Best's Avatar
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    Tristessa

    You are moving at a fast pace! There is no roadmap for where you seem to be headed. Each person's path is different. Put each step to test to see how it feels. If it doesn't feel right do something else. To me, it seems you need to talk with a counselor to dig out how you really feel. Good luck on whatever road you take.
    Vivian

  7. #7
    Junior Member Tristessa's Avatar
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    Thanks for the reflection on my pacing! To me it feels really slow and agonizing, I guess I'm just anxious to get to a place of resolution so I don't have to be in this state of confusion all the time. Taking it slow and testing each step forward seems like sage advice.

    Definitely need to find a counselor, but being so connected to the therapist community around here, it feels risky. If I were to pursue services at one of the local LGBT-serving agencies, there is too big a chance that one of my colleagues might inadvertently be made privy to the details of my situation. Anybody have any suggestions for gender therapists that could work with me remotely via Skype, etc.?

  8. #8
    Senior Member Suzanne F's Avatar
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    Tristessa
    It sounds familiar to many of us I am sure. I came out as a cross dresser and quickly realized I could not bear to keep returning to a male version of me. I am transitioning. It helped me realize it was possible to be me as I gradually lived life as a woman. I suggest you venture out in the world as a woman. You don't have much experience to evaluate what feels correct. In my case it was very obvious to everyone around me that I was finally healthy. I and a few other girls from this forum meet in SF 2 or 3 times a month. If you like you can join us. I will also be at the march. Finally, if your wife would like to hear from an encouraging spouse of a TS she might come out on a night my wife is with me. Good luck!
    Suzanne
    Last edited by Suzanne F; 06-11-2015 at 01:17 AM.

  9. #9
    Silver Member STACY B's Avatar
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    Walk around with Blinders on mostly,lol, That's the only way to live in my book. Can't worry what others think or say about us all the time, You will go Nuts.
    I have wondered and worried about others and tried to make people happy and build a Life that was Fake all the while I was thinking I was doing the right thing I was just digging myself in deeper an deeper into a world I was going to have to work 10 times harder to dig out of.

    I came to realize that if I were damaged and broken it would do no good for me or people around me, So after lots of soul searching an therapy here we are in our own little worlds just trying to navigate the Rough Waters of Trans LIFE.
    We seem to run to the very thing were not instead of being who we really are, That's the Super Man complex most of us have. Not all of us get it, Mostly the larger ones get it, Some of the more petite guys don't go through it as bad they have there own problems I guess?

    Takes YEARS to undo all the Physical Damage we have done to our body's and our lives in general, Most are well known and tend to stick out more than a normal person because of the Gender issues. We all wanted to be known as the Last person with a Problem and built a life to prove it.

    So if anyone who reads this just remember if your Married you will come to find out if you chose well in a spouse. This is one sure way to tell the tale. Most won't make it, Some do, Saw a Caption with an Older couple married for many years and someone asked them how they did it? She said ( Back in My Day we still Fixed people not just threw them away) So maybe that holds true for my wife?

    But you can educate some but not all, So you will loose friends an family and you have to be ready for it as bad as it sucks. You will learn a lot about yourself and other people and most important you will learn that you DON'T know people as well as you think.
    Some that you thought would never leave and some you thought would flee will surprise you to say the least.

    There is no owners manual to look up things, No guide book, You can't tell others how to ,, Or they can't tell you, It's kinda like death, You just have to do it to find out, An once you do it there is no coming back. Wish I had the answers to it all, But I don't know what I am doing most of the time,, I just wing it an hope for the best. Some days it not a big deal at all, AN SOME DAYS IT'S LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD!

    So find your pace there are lots of different steps to takes an phases to complete so make sure you are strong in more ways than one. Stay on here a lot an watch other and you will learn what to do and not to do. Read everything you can and pick and choose from there what best suits you. I said it once an I will say it again a lot of this depends on where you live and how much support you have , Medical support, Financial support, Spiritual support, Moral support, Spousal support, Family support,Educational support, All make the difference trust me.

    If you live in a trailer park in the middle of the rural area in back woods you may want to consider MOVING first? It will make it much easier. But we all have our own burden to bear on this earth Good Luck in whatever you decide.

  10. #10
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Seems like you are "alone" in a highly populated place ! I suggest making new friends that "get it". You have had an invite already. New friends will help as you pull back from your family as they are not going to get it anytime soon. I think you are worrying too much about the dangers of speaking to a gender specialist.

  11. #11
    Junior Member Melissa_Rose's Avatar
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    While the medical community is small and hippa seems to only apply to non health care providers in general, I found comfort starting my therapy in a different city. I traveled 80 miles to avoid people who would know of me. My endocrinologist is also 80 miles away.
    Just like I started my public outings in towns away, I eventually moved all of my activities closer to home. I just started with a more local therapist and find it to be going well.
    As a physician, I knew the diagnostic criteria and knew where my "diagnosis " would fit on the gender spectrum, I still knew I needed confirmation and an outlet to help me explore my needs. I also knew I really wanted certain surgeries and would need referrals at some point.
    So while therapy is highly recommended on this forum and I initially was very hesitant, I am a firm believer it is valuable and needed.

    Melissa
    In my head I am a size 6.. in the mirror I see a size 14
    One day I hope mind and mirror match

  12. #12
    Junior Member Tristessa's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone! The wife and I went on vacation last weekend, spent almost the whole time en femme, felt great! I am headed out to SF Pride in girl mode tomorrow, looking forward to meeting some other girls. Will report back!

  13. #13
    Senior Member Suzanne F's Avatar
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    I am going to be at Trans Pride event tomorrow. PM me if you would like to meet me and some of my girlfriends.
    Hugs
    Suzanne

  14. #14
    Junior Member Tristessa's Avatar
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    Trans March was amazing! It was so good to be out and feel so completely accepted, and to be around so many others doing gender their own way. I feel very emboldened regarding coming/being out now, and forsee many femme outings in my future. Thanks to all the girls, but particularly Suzanne and AllieSF, for taking me in and helping me feel so welcome. Hugs!

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    Fascinating story. What stands out for me is a reminder as to how individualized our situations are. There are always some generalizations to be made, but the differences are stark and distinctive. What you and M_R mentioned about difficulties due to being involved in the healing professions is something that most would not experience. It adds another layer of complication to what is already a very complicated situation.

    Your last sentence: "Thanks to all the girls, but particularly Suzanne and AllieSF, for taking me in and helping me feel so welcome." speaks to the power of Community and I think you have hit upon the essence of it. Unfortunately, I don't think this is well understood. Community doesn't necessarily serve as a repository of accumulated advice and counsel, although it can. But, the important thing that results from Community is a sense of shared struggle and similar experience. We don't have to feel that we are the First or the Only or whatever incorrect notion that we can conjure up. Moving forward is a distinct possibility and a likely outcome. If it were not from Community, how would we know?

    DeeAnn

  16. #16
    . Aprilrain's Avatar
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    I would Avoid transition at all cost! If that doesn't work at least you will know you tried.

    Right now you're feeling giddy, don't let a trans pride parade in San Fransisco (of all places) lull you into a false sense of what transition is, what it does and how it will effect the rest of your life. You'd better be damn sure being a "woman" is worth all you are likely to lose.

  17. #17
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    It's a really good thing to be getting to better know yourself.
    It's important that you meet people and that you get therapy to help you identify thoughts/coping thoughts and behaviors that may make it more difficult to figure all this out..

    I like to keep it simple..some of the things you are talking about (like your view that the male role is bankrupt for example) hint that you are ascribing different values to different genders...as if being female is better...
    be careful of judgements you may make about gender and how you may view stereotypical male or female behavior.... your gender IS your gender, there is nothing you can do about it.

    i like to think of quality of life and gender dysphoria.

    If you are transsexual what you will find is that things go in the direction of more gender dysphoria and lower quality of life until you reach a breaking point...it will never go the other way.. that's just the way it is...look around at all the 50 60 and 70 year old folk...people can hit the pause button for a very long time it seems...

    coping with GD and quality of life is something they must have struggled with for so long!!!! and many people here do the same and you are well served to take each experience very seriously...its no joke that all the middle pathers tend to say its a really rough road and a constant struggle...

    and its no joke that the transitioners tend to say don't transition unless you feel you must....plus its expensive, costly and time consumming!!!!
    ..you will know that point if you find that all the reasons/excuses/fears/insurmountable obstacles and costs of transition seem small compared to everything else..

    until then you need to keep your head on straight and be honest with yourself...i know i had to fight dishonest coping thoughts
    it seems to me you are thinking straight and are taking all your options seriously and that's something that will serve you well as you go through this.

    it also seems to me you are going very fast and after the parade you can take a moment to let it all sink and in and consider where you are.

    meeting people in real life can be hugely helpful as well...i have found that face to face its almost scary how easy it is to identify yourself compared to others...

    its funny that when i look back, first i was alone and i wanted to be just a guy with a secret...then i met cd's and i wanted to be a cd(but i "knew" i wasnt)
    ...then i met some really fun gender queer people and we i wanted to be them...no luck
    then i had lunch with some fully transitioned women and i thought (F*** Me...i am so screwed///lol).... i almost instantly knew.

    ... i think you can really benefit from the parade and hopefully make some contacts...trust your gut, really trust it.

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