I've identified as CD for the last two years. I've made a lot of progress towards integrating my femme self in that time - I am figuring out my femme style and am starting to really like the way I look in the mirror, am spending increasingly more time as my femme self, and I've even come out to a few safe people. My wife and the friends I've come out to have been very encouraging.
Lately however, and turning 40 and the Caitlyn Jenner thing have not helped this at all, I've grown increasingly preoccupied, way beyond the Pink Fog moments I've experienced in the past. I'm beginning to see bits of evidence that suggest that my gender identification is far more complex than being a male that sometimes wears women's clothing. I can faintly remember some early leanings towards cross-role behaviors that were quickly squashed by others. Ever since the onset of puberty, my relationship with my body has been extremely dissociative - as a male, I often forget to attend to my physiological needs, kind of treat my body like garbage, and dress pretty slovenly because of how disinterested I am in male fashion. Once I leaned in to my femme side, I suddenly became far more responsive to my body, caring about how I look and feel, enjoying shopping for clothing, and finding maintaining motivation towards weight loss much easier than when I identified as cis-male. I am also much less engaged in other vices when I am more in touch with my femme self, and am less depressed and anxious, and sleep better.
Sexually, while I have always found looking at women arousing, and have never consciously felt similarly towards men, I often find the actual act of hetero sex to be somehow short of my expectations, even kind of gross sometimes, and don't really have a lot of drive in that area. My porn interests have always been almost exclusively female-solo or girl-on-girl. My autosexuality has always richer and more active, but has been elevated to entirely new levels as I allow my feminine side to be present. I seem to have much less need or use for porn now. Taking a cue from that and bringing my femme self into my marital bed has demonstrated that, as a girl, I'm downright randy and eager to play a more feminine sexual role. However, that's not always straightforward, and I'm starting to have some sexual fantasies that me and/or my wife are not physiologically equipped to experience. My wife and I are actively trying to figure out what that looks like while still honoring her needs.
I am also feeling an increasingly strong desire to be "out" and to have my femme self be seen by others. While I haven't ventured out yet, my desire to rashly do so without regard for the consequences is getting stronger. I am, as of right now, 100% committed to going to SF Pride at the end of the month (the Trans March, probably), and am looking forward to finally having others witness this part of me. I have come out to a few people much earlier than I anticipated because of this desire to be out of the shadows. The response has been good so far, and to my surprise, most have been less surprised than I would have anticipated. This has caused me to reflect on what I've been showing the world, and whether others have known for longer than I have; I'm finding that, rather than worrying about what others might have seen and intuited about me, I actually want them to have guessed at the truth.
In parallel with all this self-experimentation, I have been academically engaged in a critical deconstruction of gender, particularly of the male role. Part of my motivation for remaining engaged in this dialog is almost certainly my strained relationship with my male self, but I also wonder whether my current perception of the male role as almost entirely bankrupt contributes to my current gender dysporia. This analysis has highlighted a number of behaviors and personality characteristics that are decidedly "unmanly", but which have become quite central to my sense of self and my social and professional identities.
All that said, I still enjoy aspects of my male self, and on many days, want to present as male (although it's hard to separate intrinsic motivations from extrinsic ones). I don't have a compelling enough feeling that I'm in the wrong body (although I have moments) to want to identify as a trans-woman, although I frequently wonder how repressed I actually am and what my heart would truly want if it was given free reign. Then again, I also question whether I'm just tricking myself into all of this as some form of masochistic self-denigration rooted in deeper pathology. It's a roller coaster, but right now I'm pretty convinced that my true gender identification lies somewhere in the middle.
So my language has shifted - I am no longer identifying as CD, but as trans-spectrum or bi-gender. This new identification comes with a mix of excitement and fear, as leaning further into this identity will not be an easy journey, as you all well know. While I couldn't be in a better profession (psychology) to undergo a transition in my gender identity and presentation, and anticipate my colleagues to be mostly supportive and minimially microaggressive, I could never ethically show up to a client session in anything but my cis-male presentation, which greatly limits how integrated I can actually be without rebooting my career and becoming a gender therapist (would require extensive re-training). I also fear that, while individuals with whom I have direct contact will be receptive and encouraging, I will experience a different response institutionally, and may become marginalized within my profession.
Furthermore, my family is extremely rigid and bought into cis- and gender-normativity, and has reacted very badly to even little tests of their tolerance. For example, I came to a family event with my toes painted (I also had my legs shaved and was wearing ladies underthings, but they didn't know that), and my brother pulled me aside to lecture me on how he felt I was creating confusion and anxiety for his children by not "staying in the lines". I tried to educate him on transphobia and why it's better for kids to have early exposure so they don't absorb stigma, but ultimately I feel compelled to respect his choices as a parent. My mother is on record saying that she's not comfortable with trans-identifying people. My dad doesn't have to say anything, I know he'd freak out. They don't feel safe at all to me, but limiting myself to cis-male behavior around them feels stifling and makes me want to scream. I don't think I'll be able to hide from them forever. Right now, I'm avoiding them as much as possible.
So that's where I'm at right now. Confused and afraid, but excited and hopeful as well. Any perspective, advice, encouragement, or resources would be very helpful. Thank you all so much for being here and being so supportive.
Tristessa