How would you respond

[Billiejosehine]

I work at an elementary school and the following conversation occurred between a coworker and a student today during recess.

Young girl (blurting out across the playground): "He's wearing a dress!"
Classroom Nurse: "Yes, she's wearing a dress."
Young girl: "But he's a guy!"
Classroom Nurse: "She's a girl wearing a dress!"
Young girl: "Oh...does that mean I'll grow up to be a guy?"
Classroom Nurse: "No"

When I brought this up during a conversation with a group of friends (who are parents). One of my friends asked me this question after bring up the conversation Ã*bove.

ive been thinking about how to respond to my kids as they have questions like this. Id be interested to hear how you would like to hear people respond in situations like that. Any advise would be appreciated.

I'm curious to know how you would respond when asked this question.

[Carlene]

I think your coworker handled this very well. It seems there was no further explanation required. Had more questions been asked, it might have been appropriate to have the conversation posponed until school administration could provide input in line with board policy.

It will be interesting to hear what others have to say.

Carlene

[Dianne S]

Well, it all depends. Who was wearing the dress? Was it a girl? Or a guy? Was he or she trans?

OK, assuming it was a trans girl wearing a dress, I would explain in simple terms what it is to be trans. Something like:

"Sometimes, people have girl brains but boy bodies, and that makes them sad. If they can wear girl's clothes and make themselves look more like girls, it makes them happy because the way they look matches their brains better. Sometimes, some people even take medicine or have operations to make their bodies even more like girls' bodies and this can make them very happy. But most people have brains and bodies that match and they don't make any changes to the way they dress or to their bodies."

I'm glad to see that where I live, discussions about trans people are slated to go onto the curriculum this fall, even for elementary students.

[kimdl93]

There were two really positive things in the coworkers comments first she recognize the gender preference of the individual. And second, reinforced that each of us is unique and just because one person does one thing doesn't mean it will affect another.

[TessInJxn]

Well, it all depends. Who was wearing the dress? Was it a girl? Or a guy? Was he or she trans?

Yes. This. We need more information to react.

OK, assuming it was a trans girl wearing a dress, I would explain in simple terms what it is to be trans. Something like:

"Sometimes, people have girl brains but boy bodies, and that makes them sad. If they can wear girl's clothes and make themselves look more like girls, it makes them happy because the way they look matches their brains better. Sometimes, some people even take medicine or have operations to make their bodies even more like girls' bodies and this can make them very happy. But most people have brains and bodies that match and they don't make any changes to the way they dress or to their bodies."

I agree with this. However, my question is how old these children were? I wonder when the appropriate age is to discuss these things as both a trans woman (not yet transitioning but getting closer and closer) AND as a parent of a young child.

[Rachelakld]

Nurse got it good,
but really are males not allowed to wear skirts (except Scotsmen, pacific islanders and those that understand pants are bad for male fertility)?
Today I saw a male in a pink floral dress

[ReineD]

Assuming this is a person who is transitioning, I would say,

"Sometimes girls are born looking like boys but they still want to live like girls. It's hard though, because people think since they look like boys, it means they are boys. But, they are not."

To the question, "Oh...does that mean I'll grow up to be a guy?"

Answer: "That depends. Who do you feel you are, a girl or a guy?". If the answer is, "A girl", the response would be, "Then you're a girl.". This puts the focus back on the child, as it should be. If the answer is, "A boy", I would counsel the child to tell his parents.

I would not know how to explain a person who dresses in opposite-sex clothing and who is not transitioning, because there are so many different motives to dress. There's no way to cover it all simply for a child. But, it is likely that a non-transitioner would not be in a schoolyard while dressed.

[Billiejosehine]

Thank you for all the great insight so far and I would have to agree that the classroom nurse handled the conversation with the young girl pretty, who is a 1st grader, pretty well

Regarding the questions Who was wearing the dress? Was it a girl? Or a guy? Was he or she trans? I have been taking hormones, as well as transitioning while at work for the past 5. The staff at the school are aware of this and are very supportive. While I have been keeping my appearance (clothes, makeup, hair, and so forth) on the conservative side during the past 5 months. It has gradually changing and about three weeks ago, I started dressing and present myself more feminine at work. To the point of people doing a double take when they look at me or make comments, like the young girl did about me wearing a dress. Also, since me and the nurse are good friends, we are often hanging out talking to each other as we watch the kids during recess. According to the nurse, this same young girl, along with two other boys in the same grade. Have been coming up us everyday these past few weeks and would look me up and and down and then look at her and then look back at me several times.

The friend who asked me "I've been thinking about how to respond to my kids as they have questions like this. I'd be interested to hear how you would like to hear people respond in situations like that. Any advise would be appreciated." after I brought up the conversation between the young girl and the nurse. I believe has a 1 and 3yr old. I know at that those ages, discussing these things can be very tricky. And the reason why my friend is seeking advice and is interested in my perspective in how I would like to hear people respond in situations like this. Is because they know I am transgender, I am a parent of a 3 and 6yr old, and that I work with kids as 1:1 behaviorist. For me, having a discussion on these things is still new for me as well. So it is really hard to give them advice as I am going through it now.

[Dianne S]

I wonder when the appropriate age is to discuss these things as both a trans woman (not yet transitioning but getting closer and closer) AND as a parent of a young child.

I think the appropriate age is as soon as the child starts asking questions. Kids are very, very smart and withholding information from them seldom does any good.

Of course, the language you'll use to describe a trans person to a 3-year old will be very different from a 10-year-old and different yet again from a 16-year-old. But I think as long as you put it in terms the kids can understand, they're never too young to know about this.

[Emma Beth]

I think things were handled great. Direct and to the point.

TessInJxn wondered, "I wonder when the appropriate age is to discuss these things as both a trans woman (not yet transitioning but getting closer and closer) AND as a parent of a young child."

IMHO, when a child begins to ask questions is the best time to talk to them about these things. I know this makes things hard because people want things to be so standardized, but every kids grow at a different rate. I feel that some kids are ready for this kind of information earlier than others. When a child asks these kinds of questions I think they are either just curious, which is the most likely case, or they could be trying to figure themselves out.

[ReineD]

this same young girl, along with two other boys in the same grade. Have been coming up us everyday these past few weeks and would look me up and and down and then look at her and then look back at me several times.

This is interesting. These children are too young to have been influenced by society's negative attitudes about cross-gender expression. They likely to not watch TV shows or have seen movies, or have read articles about people who transition or crossdress. I doubt it is even a topic when they play with friends or that comes up at their dinner table. Yet they react the way they do. I wonder where this comes from.

Edit
Never mind. I just discussed this with my SO, who suggested that it's likely a reaction to "something that is different" vs. something that is bad or good. Kids only know there are two genders (boy and girl) and they are surrounded with boys who look like boys, and girls who look like girls, so they are trying to figure out what's happening here. It's new to them.

[Aubrey lee]

Children are terribly observant little things. I was giving a work related Presentation to some elementary students. My coworker was talking about the parts of a climbing system: rope, saddle, carabeaners, ect and I was showing the kids. At this point i had been on hormones maybe 3 months so if there were any changes at all they were minimal. I was standing there in techy climbing pants, my climbing saddle, vest/long sleeve, and helmet with smallish bun out the back. I don't try to present any way for work because there's not many gender specific options for an arborist, I need functional attire. In the middle of our presentation a boy blurts out " is Matt a boy or a girl" my coworker responded appropriately for the time as I was not out yet. But it was a reality check for me. Even though I just assumed I was being gendered male I was not by all. Kids are smart.

[Janelle_C]

My daughter in law had this very conversation with my three and half year old granddaughter. They were looking at old pictures together and my granddaughter saw some old pictures of me and see said that's when poppy was a boy and now poppy's a girl. She asked her mom why I was a girl now. Her mom answered better than I think I could of.

She just said, you know you are a girl right, and she said yes. She said you don't just know you are a girl, but inside you feel like a girl, and she said yes. Well inside poppy always knew she was a girl but she had a boy's body and it made poppy really sad. So now poppy's changing her outside to match her inside, so she's not sad anymore. She said we don't want poppy to be sad do we. And my granddaughter just said no, poppy is a perty girl.

[Barbara Black]

Janelle, I liked your answer to the granddaughter, I may have to use it some day. Also, talking about when kids learn things, how many of us learned about sex long long before mommy and daddy told us about it? Even I knew about it far earlier than most people believe kids know.

[antonyio]

kids are more accepting and knowledgeable in todays world than we think,the time to talk about it is when they ask the questions.my two daughters witnessed a friend transition and they had questions but also just accepted it.the way I explained it was"some people may look on the outside as a boy or girl but in the inside are the opposite,so to make them happy and feel better some opted to change,so they feel and look the same.now I am transitioning they just accept it as they have aways said I act more as a girl than a boy

[Billiejosehine]

Yeah, it's amazing how observant kids are and how nothing can get past them. Kids have no inhibitions and blurt out whatever comes to their mind. It reminds me of Art Linkletters show..."Kids will say the darndest things". In fact while I was a the park with my kiddos, wearing a dress, makeup, and being the woman I am. There was this young boy, probably 5 grade or so, who would not stop staring at me no matter where I was. To some degree, I don't mind people staring...I usually smile at them and they stop. But it got to the point where I could feel this young kid staring at me, and it was quite uncomfortable. Eventually, my son comes up to me and says that he has something to tell me in a quiet and embarrassed voice. When I asked him what it was. He said that the young boy asked him If I was his dad. When he said yes to this young boy, that the young boy began to laugh at me. My son then told me that the boy laughing at me made him sad. After he told me this, I reassured him that it was okay and said "people will do that because I look different to them and they might not understand, so they will laugh or sometimes make comments. They can laugh all they want, but it doesn't really bother me". This lead to a short conversation about how people are different and then me asking him what his favorite thing was...Minecraft of course. I asked him "what if someone told you that you are not allowed to play Minecraft because you were a boy." He said he would be angry. When I asked him why, he said he liked playing the game. I then asked him "would you still play the game, even if people told you couldn't because you are a boy?" He simply said yes and then I asked him "What if they laugh at you or say things to you?" He said "I would feel sad, but I'd still play because it makes me happy."

Janelle and antonyio I do like your responses as well.

[Stephanie47]

Decades ago my wife and our daughter, who was pre-school at the time, were riding on a city transit bus. The driver had a beard and a long pony tail. Our daughter became almost hysterical because he had long hair, and, this was something that just appeared to her as being not right. "Men don't have long hair!" Where she got that idea, we had no clue. It was nothing more than her observation as a child. My wife explained to her that some men wear their hair long because they like to do that. And, there was nothing more to it.

Another illustration concerns my granddaughter when she was really young in elementary school. She blurted out to me that the kids are not suppose to play with so and so because she is a black kid. I could tell she was ill at ease and frustrated by this LEARNED behavior. Her confusion was based on the fact her favorite female cousins are black, which also means one of her uncles is black, as well as, another older male cousin. Now, she has another really favorite uncle who is a black man married to our white daughter.

In the case of my daughter and the hair it was behavior or belief learned through total observation. With the case of our granddaughter it was a case of learned behavior from society, which she refuted without any discussion from her parents or grandparents.

Over the years I've found the younger the kids are, it is best to keep the answer short and simple. There is no reason to go into long details. All these concepts should be taught to children at an early age. Many times what they hear at home or in their houses of worship is no so open minded. As a man married to an elementary school teacher, I've heard some really bigoted and bias words from some of the littlest kids. That behavior is learned at home.

As already stated, kids tend to "blurt" things out because they have not learned "social etiquette" which in some ways is good. Most of the time the kids seem to be inquisitive.

[Billiejosehine]

Thank you for the great insight Stephanie and I could not agree with you more. Having worked with kids and behaviors for the past 7 years. It's amazing to see some of the behaviors that kids learn, especially from home. And I believe everything starts at home and society can compond the behaviors taught.

[jigna]

I think things were handled great. Direct and to the point without any hesitation.