Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 35

Thread: Fearful of going out? Here's why you should't be.

  1. #1
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    6,335

    Fearful of going out? Here's why you should't be.

    I was out last night with a friend and of course it was an enjoyable time and nothing happened. If I was in guy mode, the result would have been exactly the same. But I had some observations I thought I'd pass on to the fearful and newbies (even you lurkers).

    1) Leaving the house, apartment, condo, whatever. Here's the secret. Ready....? Open the door and walk out. Yep, that's it. I realized I didn't even think when I opened my door last night. Maybe that's the real secret. Don't think. When I stay in San Jose, I have no garage. My parking spot is a short walk from my front door. I left in broad daylight, people were about, I passed several walking to my car. No reactions.

    2) Driving. I was meeting a friend and drove about 30 miles. I was on residential streets, highways and stop and go traffic. No one is looking at anyone. I noticed that beyond my peripheral vision, I was too busy driving to look at anyone really. Even in the stop an go traffic, I barely noticed more than shoulders and heads. I think I was virtually invisible.

    3) Parking. Parked ont he street and in a garage. Broad daylight still. Hundreds of people on the streets. I made the typical, minimal eye contact one makes with strangers on the street and I noticed nothing unusual.

    4) In the bar. Walking in to the first stop of the night, a bar that seats perhaps 100 people, it was 70% full. My friend and I walk in and unlike the saloon scenes in old westerns where everything comes to a stop, nothing happened. Did anyone notice us? YES! I do not pass as a woman beyond a fast glance but people's eyes naturally rise to see a new person entering and just as naturally, the eyes moved back to their friends. The reactions would have been the same if I was in guy mode. We sat at the bar, got a drink and shortly thereafter a group a three men sat next to us. There were other seats available. We were just people who happen to be cross dressers, not just cross dressers.

    5) In the restaurant. Our second stop was for dinner. Again, we walked past groups of people on the street, in daylight, entered the restaurant and nothing happened. We were welcomed by the hostess, and sat. We ordered, chatted and a received our meals. Just like normal people. Shortly thereafter men and women sat to the left and right of us. These same people engaged us in conversation asking about what we ordered, sharing what they like and the guy to my left recommend a dessert he particularly liked. He and I chatted about his new job, living in the city, just basic chit-chat. And HE started the ball rolling with the conversation. I was just a person. He recognized I was presenting as a woman and appropriately used all the proper pronouns and terms to reflect that he was speaking to a female. The place was packed and I never felt stared at.

    So, if there is one piece of advice I can offer to help you get out, it's this: stop thinking. You are your own worst enemy.

    Or, put another way, be in guy mode in your head. The normals are not out to get you. Now, I'll add that you should not give anyone a reason to fear you. Dress like a drag queen and you will not get the same friendly banter. Over the top never flies in the real world. Dress appropriately for the venue and you will be welcomed by the other patrons.

    This is how I went out. I paired it with a red sweater to cover my arms and farmer tan. The pop of color looked good.

    Attached Images Attached Images

  2. #2
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,400
    You are so right! The secret is not passing so well that no one knows you are a guy, it is in understanding that everyone knows you are a guy and no one cares.

    While I know that bad things happen, it is the exception rather than the rule. In ten years of going out, I have yet to be in a bad situation. I know that violence happens to those of us in the TG community and I keep a lookout for it to occur and yet it has never materialized. I have attempted to look up the statistics, a difficult thing to do well, and from what I have been able to gather the group that suffers from the most assaults is..... men. And yet none of us say how dangerous it is to go out dressed as a man now do we?

    Btw... Nice outfit!

  3. #3
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    2,702
    That's very encouraging advice Jennifer. I think attitude is the biggest portion of your experience. Also appropriate presentation is important. That takes skill and practice.

    I would like to point out, however, you often claim to not pass. Based on what I've seen from your post, you are dang close. I would expect that you probably pass with some folks. Additionally, I would point out that you are fairly attractive, enough so that even if you are read, there is likely a more positive response. People treat attractive and neat individuals with more respect in general.

    "Hey that was a dude"
    "yeah, but dang did you see IT'S legs!? Just saying"
    "Whoa I didn't know you went that way"
    "I don't but just sayin"
    "Yeah maybee... want me to introduce you?"
    "F*** You man"

  4. #4
    Silver Member I Am Paula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    3,753
    Passing? Not nessasary. People near you are doing one of three things. They-
    See a woman, big deal
    See a transwoman, big deal
    Are looking at their phones

    They're a little like dogs. We give them too much credit.

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    1,207
    Jenn,I think they were all busy looking at your legs ! All good points you've made,thanks for sharing

  6. #6
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Manchester
    Posts
    465
    Quote Originally Posted by Nadine Spirit View Post
    You are so right! The secret is not passing so well that no one knows you are a guy, it is in understanding that everyone knows you are a guy and no one cares.
    Great comment!

    Quote Originally Posted by Nadine Spirit View Post
    While I know that bad things happen, it is the exception rather than the rule. In ten years of going out, I have yet to be in a bad situation. I know that violence happens to those of us in the TG community and I keep a lookout for it to occur and yet it has never materialized. I have attempted to look up the statistics, a difficult thing to do well, and from what I have been able to gather the group that suffers from the most assaults is..... men. And yet none of us say how dangerous it is to go out dressed as a man now do we?

    Only in terms of numbers, but yes, it is true!

  7. #7
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Location
    Central Texas
    Posts
    5,982
    Jennifer, you look nice. Yeah, I think it is in our minds. Yet, one always needs to be careful, right. Men are attacked the most by other men. But a girl should be able to protect themselves and stay away from trouble. Seemed you had a typical great evening and yes don't over think it.
    Part Time Girl

  8. #8
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Orange County, Calif.
    Posts
    24,842
    I'm NOT fearful of going out, Jenn. I've had a couple chilling experience and learned to be careful.

    However, since I can never pass? I find going out dressed to be stressful. As opposed to dressing in private. Where I'm free to celebrate Sherry any way I like without a care!

    I'm NOT afraid of going out dressed. I just prefer NOT TO!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  9. #9
    Member jigna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Location
    Dubai
    Posts
    255
    Your legs are very attractive.
    II am wondering, how did you manage to remove hairs.
    I have been using epilator for many years to remove every traces of hairs, however this hardly happens that I could remove all of it.
    I do not prefer shaving, since the newly grown hairs are hard and irritating.
    Kindly share your experience and provide guidelines.

  10. #10
    Silver Member justmetoo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Inland Empire
    Posts
    2,177
    Great points, Jennifer! I'm pretty sure you present as a pleasant and confident person, which I believe helps a lot in going out and in interacting with the general public. The experiences you describe fit well with mine and many others I've read here and elsewhere.

  11. #11
    Member Jamie Christopher's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    SE Wisconsin
    Posts
    1,891
    Great read Jennifer, and I agree; people are so busy doing their own thing they just won't see as much as one would think they would.


    Jamie
    At the makeup counter

  12. #12
    Silver Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Location
    Kandi's Land!
    Posts
    2,610
    Well said, and I would tend to agree on every point you made.

    I will say, however, it doesn't hurt to look like you do Jenn. You are very attractive and that certainly helps!

    If I could add my two cents, the most important point in my mind that you made is to dress appropriately for your age and your surroundings. The best advice possible.

    Thanks for the advice!
    Visit Kandi's Land (http://www.kandis-land.com/) daily! Nothing but positive and uplifting posts!
    Pictures and stories of every time out: https://www.flickr.com/photos/131254150@N06/.

  13. #13
    Junior Member FoxxxyBri's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    55
    I went out for the first time at night about a year ago and for the first time in the day time around last November. And you're right...nobody notices or cares. I think the more I do it the more I will get weird looks or laughter but I think it's worth it in the end...

  14. #14
    Lisa Allisa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    s.nj near Berlin
    Posts
    3,198
    Right on point Jennifer, I believe we over think everything but one more reason... it's fun.
    "you are a strange species and there are many out there;shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you ,you are at your best when things are at their worst" ...[ Starman]
    It may of course be a bit disturbing to sense that one is really not so firmly anchored to the gender one was born into.

  15. #15
    0 to trans in 60 seconds! Donnagirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Another Aussie girl
    Posts
    828
    Well put Jen and so true. It does take awhile to gain that level of confidence but once you have it, well....

    I'll also add it helps to look good, and have that smile of yours.
    Call me Donna, please

  16. #16
    Member Maxi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Colorado Springs
    Posts
    221
    I have been out twice now, and found people are nicer to me as a CD, than in guy mode. I have been told I can be intimidating as a guy. I am the aggressive go getter who gets things done. When dressed I tend to relax and enjoy life. Jennifer you look great, and your right, we over think it. I know if I open my mouth, people know I'm a guy, and I will be the first to tell you, Yes I'm a guy, and still I have gotten compliments.
    Getting caught by my neighbor was probably the best thing that could have happened. I got out of the pink fog, and caught the pink wave. Wow, what a ride.

  17. #17
    Work In Progress LucyNewport's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    138
    Sound advice, all of it! I find that the most important thing is confidence. If you believe in yourself and look generally happy, it is infectious. Passers by will let things slide more if you carry yourself like you know what you are doing. What is that saying? "Fake it till you make it"?

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    876
    Well said, Jennifer. Even so, to some of us, that first step seems to be the size of the Grand Canyon. I have not taken that step yet. If I were to dress my age I would have to dress up and wig up like my late grandmother, bless her heart, and that ain't gonna happen.

    A pro-makeover is in the planning, however. And that might just be the bridge across that big ditch.

    Ineke

  19. #19
    Junior Member antonyio's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Location
    morrinsville ,new zealand
    Posts
    59
    SANY1422.jpgyou are so right,it took me months to just go outside,then I slowly went out in the city where no-one knows me,now after 9months just went out in the little town I live in where everyone knows everyone and yes people looked but not one had a bad thing to say,so yeh what are we scared of,people today don't care who you are

  20. #20
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    907
    That is a great read. The last time I went out I had the exact same experience. I mean I could have written down what you said damn near word for word. I only realized this when I looked back on it. At the time it was happening in real time for some reason (my mind) it was still nerve-rattling as hell. But the fact I was en femme was such a non issue it scared me that I was being lulled into a false sense of security.
    Not unlike a basketball player that is so wide open when he took the shot or attempted the dunk it scared him into missing the shot lol.

  21. #21
    Senior Member Diversity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    1,038
    Thanks for sharing your comments Jennifer. While I would not be able to pass as a female, I must say you certainly do and as an attractive one at that. Anyways, thank you again, as your comments lead to encouragement. Much appreciated.
    Di

  22. #22
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Central Coast, CA
    Posts
    1,817
    That is true. Nobody or almost nobody cares. I go out a lot, while I have gotten some different reactions I have never been treated badly. Well there was this ----- in Vegas that pushed me off onto a coworker instead of ringing up my stuff on the cash register she was standing in front of, doing nothing and had to move so this nice guy could ring up my new brushes at the MAC store, but I don’t hold the fact that she is a ------ against her. I love my brushes. Anyway the other night at the bar one of my girlfriends asked if I would walk her to her car out back. I think the bouncer was out front. It is well lit and there are cameras. She as well as I am over 6’ in heels, yes I told her I love her shoes that her 12 year old daughter picked out for her. My point is if you feel you need help ask. I walked her to her car a really nonevent, but she felt better.
    Love Jean

  23. #23
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    6,335
    Quote Originally Posted by Nadine Spirit View Post
    ...Btw... Nice outfit!
    Thank you fashion Yoda!

    Quote Originally Posted by Meghan4now View Post
    ...

    "Hey that was a dude"
    "yeah, but dang did you see IT'S legs!? Just saying"
    "Whoa I didn't know you went that way"
    "I don't but just sayin"
    "Yeah maybee... want me to introduce you?"
    "F*** You man"
    LOL

    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    ...I'm NOT afraid of going out dressed. I just prefer NOT TO!
    and that's fine. it a choice you make as opposed to thinking you can't!

    Quote Originally Posted by jigna View Post
    II am wondering, how did you manage to remove hairs.
    Kindly share your experience and provide guidelines.
    Hi Jigna and welcome to the forum. I shave every day with a three blade razor. No magic to it. But it is everyday.

    Quote Originally Posted by FoxxxyBri View Post
    ...I think the more I do it the more I will get weird looks or laughter but I think it's worth it in the end...
    Bri, I think it will be the opposite. Your confidence will prevent weird looks. Really. If you don't care, no one else will.

    Quote Originally Posted by Feminin Allisa View Post
    ... but one more reason... it's fun.
    Absolutely Allisa! It is just fun.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ineke Vashon View Post
    ... Even so, to some of us, that first step seems to be the size of the Grand Canyon. ...
    I felt exactly the same and that's the rub, it's not the Grand Canyon. Stop thinking. Maybe meditation is the answer;-) I do not go out frequently. Maybe 10 to 15 times a year at most. I simply stopped thinking about "being out" and am just "out." No difference from guy mode, well... some differences ;-)

    Quote Originally Posted by bimini1 View Post
    ... But the fact I was en femme was such a non issue it scared me that I was being lulled into a false sense of security...
    It's not false. The feeling you had bimini, is Nirvana for a cross dresser. Well done!

  24. #24
    Banned Spammer
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Between here and there but mostly here close to the donuts.
    Posts
    22,257
    Very well stated Jennifer if you act normal people tend to go with the flow.
    Today for me was pretty much like your story.
    Went and played miniature golf with two friends of mine One is a GG and the other is her partner who is a MtF in transition.
    Myself being a mix in between naturally in 50/50 mode, girls jeans and top hair in a ponytail blue earrings to match my blue toenails and sandals.
    We played golf and enjoyed ourselves just as all the others around us.
    We chatted and laughed when we missed shots with the other couples playing before us and behind us nobody seemed to be bothered by us at all and we all had a good time.
    When we started the first hole the father and his family in front of us gave me a snide look so I just smiled and let it go.
    After a few holes and him enjoying time with his family we were of no concern to him.
    The thing is just be yourself smile have fun and be respectful to others around you thats the best way to represent.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 06-13-2015 at 09:57 PM.

  25. #25
    Member MonctonGirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    466
    Thanks for this post - it's motivational.
    The first time I went out and was truly in public ( a mall ) I was with a young woman who did my makeup & hair expertly, so I felt good about my appearance and if anyone "made" me, she was there to offset any fear in the minds of other women ( eg in the washroom ) and act as a hedge against any confrontations from males.

    My first time out alone, having done my own makeup, and obviously not the best job, I was dressed normally, acted normally, had my walk & movement down pat - but still was "made" by a male and a female ( both separately ) as soon as I stepped into the mall - so I turned around and left. lol

    If I looked like you it would be much easier. But I did learn from the experience and it will be better next time! (Can hardly wait! )

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State