Cats kept me from ending it all, last night.

[Alice Torn]

Big trouble with my sister lately. As depressed as I have ever been yesterday. No one to talk to anywhere in this cliquish, unfriendly town. Almost got in fight at a gas station,, nothing but negatives piling up . I decided to write out a suicide letter, and instructions on what to do with my things,and cats. Was planning on doing it today. But, i woke up with both my cats on me, purring, and looking at me caringly. I decided to put it off.

[Shelly Preston]

Alice if your thinking like this, your seriously need to call the professionals.

I am sure they will provide the support you need

What you had planned is not the answer. You are worth more than that

[Katey888]

Cats are great, aren't they Alice...?

Companion animals of any sort are important to us and we to them.... here's my little boy, cute as a button and on my pillow where he shouldn't be!

LJ.jpg

Alice, we've all got problems in addition to this condition or nature we share - I know your issues are compounded by where you live and your family, I'd be trying everything to move away from them, even to go live in a hippy commune or whatever ranks as alternate lifestyles nowadays... but think of your cats - they do need you and while a lot of it might be cupboard love (my cat loves his food) their love is often more unconditional than that which humans give us...

Chin up! Keep Calm & Carry On! Find a little of that frontier spirit you folk have always had...

Katey x

[Maria 60]

I know people don't think so but life is a gift and we must treasure our gift of life. Especially if your healthy then that's even a bigger gift. Take a big breath and only think positive, only the things that make you happy, never give up that's the easiest thing you can do. I think you are much more then that, if your still getting thoughts like that you should talk to someone and if there's nobody we are here. From now on I only what to hear about positive things in your life.

[Samantha Clark]

Alice, I've suffered from depression too and no amount of cheeriness from anyone can penetrate it. There is help in the form of meds or therapy or both. I urge you to get in to your doctor right away and talk about this. Don't put it off.

Oh, and cats do help a lot but meds help more.

[jigna]

Behind a thousands of darkness, there is one hidden ray of light, which you will find soon, you will shine and remember all our community members.

[mechamoose]

Hello Alice,

I don't know you, but I'm glad you are still here. Cats, for all their aloofness, really can tell when there is something wrong and will give you love. You are part of their Pride, the leader of it in fact, and they will get all squishy over you.

I have often heard quoted "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", which I have mostly believed. Then I read some interesting counters to that : Suicide Prevention News and Comment/

The problem a suicidal person is trying to solve, according to Shneidman, is how to escape from psychache, which Shneidman defines as “intolerable emotion, unbearable pain, unacceptable anguish … [that] cannot be abated by means that were previously successful” (emphasis added). In other words, from the point of view of someone who is earnestly considering killing himself or herself, the pain from which suicide would provide escape is not temporary.

I have lost beautiful, intelligent friends to suicide. They felt trapped, and just wanted it to stop. Just like someone being deliberately tortured would do just about anything to make it stop. The difference here perhaps, is that it isn't deliberate. This isn't happening to you on purpose.

To me, if you are THAT distraught, you need to get assistance. You have gone through the tools and options that you know about. You need someone to throw you a line to help you get out of this pit, to help you find a way to make things not feel 'permanent'.

One of the biggest things that I believe people forget is the idea that someone else always knows something that I don't. I'm an alcoholic, and until I started with talking with other people who were fighting it rather than the people who were trying to help be but DIDN'T have those experiences, I was coming up empty.

Reach out please. There are other answers, and there are people who can help guide you out of this hole. You just have not cried out in pain to the proper people.

<3

- MM

[Alice Torn]

Thanks everyone who replied. i appreciate it. Yes, Moose, the pain and anguish i was feeling, is indescribable . Every now and then, i fall into such a deep crevasse, on a steep mountain emotionally, and mentally, that putting myself to deep sleep seems the final solution, to the anguish. I have had a number of friends end it all. My first, and one of only a few girlfriends, did it at age 21, in severe mental anguish. Also had a few guy friends do it, after a divorce, one, this year. I don't like to say it, but just positive thinking is not enough, when in such a deep pit. It is good. Today, i am feeling a bit better, but i have struggles with this all my life. I am hoping to go to a 12 step meeting Sunday, then to my VA woman therapist Monday morning. I have been on Lithium for over 20 years for bipolar, and various anti depressants. There are times, when the pills don't work. I have read books, daily meditations, and prayed to go to sleep, or be healed. Still struggling with the dressing guilt and shame, family "curses", having a deep male grief, of being an unwanted, low income, losermale , with secret crossdressing problem. I know that when i finally go to sleep , the dressing, and other issues will stop. Since i started having troubles with my sister who is six yrs older than me, I have been turned off about wearing my lady stuff, foweeks no dressup, at all, thinking of purging it all.

[Marcelle]

Alice,

Pets love unconditionally in that they never ask anything of us or judge us. I am glad your two kitties gave you a bit of a wake-up call. As difficult as things can get, ending things is not the answer. Please seek out someone you can talk to.

Hugs

Isha

[RADER]

Alice:
Purging is a very bad word, Try to box it all up and put in a storage place, Attic, or Basement.
Now about other topics; Yes My Cat (Clyde) would send the night next to me all the time.
I lost him last March, He was 18 and Diabetic, the Vet said it was his time.
But you have to live on; Yes Sisters can be a problem, sometimes you just have to forget
all about them. Mine has been a thorn in my side for over 10 years now, I just do not listen
to her anymore.
You said that you are going to a VA Doctor; If you where in Viet-Nam, your depression
might be caused by Agent Orange.
The VA is treating me for it, Maybe it would be worth looking into it.
Hugs
Rader

[mechamoose]

Hi Alice,

What your reply tells me is that you have been trying a bunch of things, but you are still in that hole. You probably need to make some major change in life situation, counselling, companionship, medication or some combination of those.

Don't keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Try to find another path, another route. Don't be afraid to be an advocate for yourself, because where you right now all you *can* be caring about it yourself. Don't worry about friends, don't worry about 'duty'. None of those things matter if you are not there anymore. If you have already dropped consideration for those other things, then go the REST of the way on the selfish route and figure out what will make you feel safe and happy. Those other people will actually appreciate that you did that, honest.

Hunker down in your fort for sure, but then figure out how you can no longer feel under attack. Everybody on this board will empathize on wanting to feel safe. You are 100% justified in wanting that.

I applaud all the steps you have been taking. I have issues with 12-step myself, but only because I can't give up self determination (Step 3).

Besides 'not working', what do you think is missing from those things you have tried? Not logically, but emotionally? I believe that if this were all dealt with through cold logic, you could find 100 ways out. Such as root changes to yourself, your identity, cutting family ties, moving far away, starting a fresh, new life. Therefore (I think) it is all about emotion, acceptance and fulfillment.

What space isn't being filled? Identify that, and you will have the basis for a good roadmap out of this situation.

Please keep yourself safe. I do not feel that any person is valueless. I don't feel that any problem is unsolvable, depending on how far you are willing to change.

A trap is only a puzzle you have not figured out how to solve.

<3

- MM

[Samantha Clark]

Alice

If your current medication isn't working then I urge you to get in to see your doctor right away and advocate for yourself. They need to hear loud and clear that your current meds aren't doing the job.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Alice dear, I'm glad you're still here, and I hope you will stay with us for a long long time.

Your sister, not so much.

Hugs, Nikki

[CynthiaD]

Alice:

I echo what others have said. Get professional help. NOW. You're right. Positive thinking isn't going to help. There are lots of different meds, and nothing works for everybody. You and your doctor need to find something that works for you.

I'm old. I've lost a lot of friends. I hate losing friends. I don't want to lose you.

[Robin777]

I also echo what others have said. Get to see a professional now. If you cannot afford it, there are agencies that will direct you to someone that is of low cost or free. I have had episodes with depression when I was young and had professional counseling that was provided through the governmental agencies. I don't know if it was low cost,I believe it was as my family wasn't that wealthy growing up.

there is a national suicide prevention hotline and website.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

[ReineD]

Alice, everyone gave you wonderful advice. I just want to say that I'm glad you decided to stay with us. I would miss you if you were not here.

[giuseppina]

Alice,

Please book an urgent appointment with your doctor. NOW.

I've been where you are now and for similar reasons, from what I've seen of your posts. Clinical depression can be beaten.

Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

[Nadya]

Hi Alice,

As you can see here, people you may not know care for you. A lot of us go through depression, shame and guilt over this. It might be a cliche but you aren't alone and there's a lot of people here that want you to stick around. It sounds like you've been through therapy and medication before, sometimes it takes a while to find the right combination to help you feel better. It's hard to think this way but I think what we do is a positive thing and to not pursue it and end it prematurely would be a waste of a truly wonderful thing. <3

[jaleecd]

Alice,
God dont make junk, and you are not junk, to be thrown out as trash. Depression has been defined as anger turned inward. We are angry at our selves because we feel that we failed in life. In my 12 step program, thay said that 90+ of the inmpacts we have on others lives is hidden from us, as God uses us in ways We will never be aware of. You might try to find an A>C>O>A meting. they are a twelve step program for suvivors of acholic familys. it helped me to see where a lot of my stinkin' thinkin came from. and the lies I held as truths about who I thought I was. Life is a gift to hold on to at all costs.

[docrobbysherry]

I wanted to post a catty reply to your thread. But, just couldn't do it. U r too valuable of a contributor here and I would miss u!

Its one thing to have appointments and quite another to admit to having suicidal thots. So please be sure that u do. That's the only way they can help u, Alice!

[Sarah-RT]

Alice I am sorry that you felt so low and I am glad that you are still here. Mental health is no laughing matter and is just as important as your physical well being. I suffered depression a few years ago and came close to ending it too, the worst part I found was that nobody else can pull you out of it, though they try. What I mean by that is that I felt uninterested in the support offered, I still felt bad and they couldn't help, I also had no motivation to seek professional help. The only thing you can do is get help for yourself and while friends and family seem like they cannot pierce the veil just know they are trying.

If you would like to talk further about your situation as I've found strangers are easier to open up to then please send a PM, talking is the first step!

Take care of yourself,
Sarah x

[JessMe]

Alice, I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles, and extremely happy that you didn't go through with it! Whether it be a pet, a group of people on a forum, or friends and family you MATTER to someone, and you should matter to yourself just as much.
The fact that you are discussing this with people speaks well for you and I hope you can get the help you need to sort out your thoughts and problems on the road to recovery. There is a certain unfair and unjustified stigma that people tend to place on mental health which stops many from discussing things until it's too late, but if you talk to people privately, you find that most have had an issue or two in the past. If you feel bad, you go to the doctor and get well... it's really that simple and there's no shame in it.
Get well, Alice, and be kind to yourself.

[Claire Cook]

Dear Alice,

By all means listen to your cats and your many friends here. Please please talk to your doctor!

Hugs, Claire

[Di]

Alice please listen to everyone's great advice here. I am very glad you are with us.Your cats showed you how much you mean to them and we are too.

[Samantha Smith]

The cats are right alice