I am now at 3 months on HRT (and 3 more days being full-time woman), and since about a week, I think I am doing some sort of existential crisis, or I wonder if it is an effect of the hormones (becoming too emotional). Or maybe I was in the pink fog for three months and I am now back to reality. I am seeking for some advice or opinion. I made a request to get an appointment with my gender therapist, which will be probably in several days from now, but I am looking for different opinions.
I have had gender dysphoria since as long as I remember, but it started to be a real problem when I was 11. That was 22 years ago. Part of the solution was becoming a CD about 10 years ago. But it was not enough anymore, I starting to feel really miserable a few months ago. Coming to this forum and sharing my secret garden was a relief, at least temporary, until I hit the bottom again (I know it didn't look like with my smiles in my gallery pictures, those were genuine but rare). When I switched to full-time Karolyn on March 15th, before starting HRT (yes, I was in a hurry), it is like a dream came true. But starting that day, it is like my previous life did not happen. I was happy, living my life as Karolyn, with absolutely everyone supporting me in my adventure. I am very lucky I did not get a single negative remark from anyone (family, friends, coworkers, strangers), which made it absolutely ... weird.
That is not right. How is that possible? For some reason, I have been waiting for the moment someone would say something hurtful, or give me a bad look. But nothing. And that's where I started to realize something, it is as if I was dreaming. Or was I completely blind to my environment (not realizing people's opinion of my transition) and thinking people instantly accepted me? I just can't find an answer by myself now. That last possibility actually scares me badly.
So I started to have that feeling that I was not living in reality, not being in a simulation (like in the Matrix movie) and not being in a dream (that would be a crazy long dream), but in a reality that I built in my head. A world in which I built my own rules to finally reach the level of happiness I looked for my entire life, but a world that filters what I don't want to hear or see.
In the last few days, I started to think a lot about my past life, and how many countless times I dreamed of my dream life that would never happen (because I was too scared of losing everything if I transition). I was thinking about the large events (like telling my family and friends or going to work dressed) and about smaller details (being able to wear what I want, having a body that matches who I am (breast for example)). Thinking that now all of that is real is what makes me think: is it real? Because it was such an unreachable goal that I cannot realize if it is really happening.
Since I could not be happy as a boy when I was younger (and I had absolutely no idea transitions existed, not even crossdressing), I resolved myself to be happy another way. I did it in different ways: having a good career after working hard at school, getting my own house and car, having lots of hobbies, etc. and most important, having a family that loves me and friends I can rely on. But there was a large part missing, being happy with myself. After I started my transition, I discovered true happiness. I felt it different ways, but one was that feeling of being very light in my upper torso, and having a really easy breathing (happened the first time as CD, but then multiple times as TG). I lived my happy life in the last three months, but it started to become a routine (which was my goal anyway), and now, I'm feeling weird. Is it possible that I got too much of it? Is there such a thing as too much happiness and doing a saturation?
Did I just leave the pink fog? Or is it hormones starting to modify my way of thinking? Or is it just an existential crisis that all TGs do somewhere during their transition?
Originally Posted by Karolyn
One of my friends was asking why I was looking for the challenges or problems. He told me to just ignore them, not look for them, and handle them as they come. That is exactly what you said, so I will.
Rachel Smith May 2017