Nervous about showing wife my pictures

[ossian]

A little over two years ago I came out to my wife of 20 plus years that I have been cross ddressing, in private since I was 12. Things were rocky the first 6 months, but we worked through it and she still loves me and wants to be with me.

It has progressed to where have been dressed and out a few times to some support groups and it is no longer a taboo topic in the household. We don't have kids and it is not an option.

She wants to see some pictures and is outwardly very supportive. She is also nervous, as she wants to see the pictures in a loving way.

So now onto my question. How have you shown pictures to your spouse? Any advice?

[Suzie Petersen]

That is a tough one! A lot depends on your wife's personality, your relationship, your dress code when in girl mode and a number of other things.

Example ... if you are Amish but you like to dress like Miley Cyrus ... you might consider not showing pictures to your wife at all

Why was it "rocky the first 6 months"? Probably the normal concerns about gender etc, but if she was concerned about the typical "What if the neighbors see you" as well then the picture(s) you show her better be of a nature where she feel the neighbors would either not recognize you or they would at least not react too negatively.

Women often have very strong negative opinions about how other women dress. If your wife sometimes express such opinions, then be careful that what you show her fits within her acceptable dress codes. If you are not careful, she could have a negative reaction because she associates your look with types of other women she would think negatively of.

For women, the dress code, makeup and overall look of other women say something about their desire to attract a mate. Women can be very unpleasant in their evaluation of other womens efforts in that department. If you look overly sexy in her eyes, she might get the wrong impression of your reasons for liking to dress up. It doesnt matter what you tell her at this stage, she will form her own opinion and your look and presentation will influence that.

Another classic one: If she has any issues with self-esteem, you need to be careful not to dress or present in a way where she feel, for right or wrong, that you look better than her! This can be a big big deal and can cause a feeling of jealousy towards your girl-mode. She can end up feeling she is competing with this "other woman".

Last one is about volume. This is a good general comment about dealing with this after revealing to a spouse, and it goes for pictures too: Be careful not to overwhelm her! Show her a few pictures, not 600! For many, the selfie thing in girl mode can become quite an obsession in itself, but it can easily seem very strange and disturbing to a wife who is struggling with this whole thing. Why do you have 600 pictures of yourself, and only 5 of her?
So the standard applies to this too, go slow, look to her to set the pace and at least try and make her comfortable with it.

Think of it like this: Showing your wife your girl picture(s) is really about her .. not so much about you!

If you are one of the lucky ones, playing with looks, trying on clothes, modeling and taking pictures can become a fun thing you do together. Include her in it too, have her model her own outfits and take pictures of her as well.

Good luck

Hugs
Suzie

[ossian]

Thanks Susie, some good insights!

I was thinking the same on the number of pictures. Let's say 5.

We've been out to buy outfits together all on the elegant side.

Wife's self esteem! Yes, I don't want to screw this up. She is the most important person in my life.

Rocky first 6 months: Was she a lesbian? Why did I keep this a secret for so long. Was I gay? answers.. 1) No. 2) Most of my life I thought something was wrong with me. I still don't know how I ended up this way, but this is what I am and I cant make it or want it to go away. Although my life would have been easier if i wasnt this way. 3) No.

[Shelly Preston]

I would say start with a picture that anyone could show there parents.

If your style is a little more racy you should tell your wife first so she knows what to expect and its less of a shock.

Be prepared to answer questions about why you chose that outfit and ask for her opinion too. You may find you have a fashion consultant with a little luck.

[Teresa]

Ossian,
I have shown my wife the picture I use for my avatar, it was a while ago, she said something about me obviously looking weird so I showed her the picture, I think looking weird was the least of her worries when she saw how passable I was !
More recently in a fit of rage she called it that ******* picture, I calmly said that was an unfair and unnecessary comment,which she did apologise for, knowing how much she had hurt me over the whole incident !
She hasn't seen any other pictures but now many other people have including my daughter and there hasn't been a problem only nice comments !

[Pat]

All pictures tell a story. Show pictures that tell the story you want her to know about you. Show pictures where you're happy and smiling or looking especially good. Do you go out with others (e.g. others from the support group?) Show pictures interacting with them and being happy. Show that it's plausible you two could go out on a date and have a good time. Do you have or would you consider getting professional photos? Show those. Don't show anything you have to explain or apologize for. You've probably had to do enough of that in the past.

[Stephanie47]

I have not even come close to being able to present myself to my wife as she is not accepting. It's strictly a 100% DADT relationship which is fine with me.

As to showing your wife pictures, what I would do is to not show her pictures of your face. If she has been with you when the outfits have been purchased, you're more than half way to the finish line. I suggest taking pictures of you in those outfits she has already seen. I would turn my head so my face is not visible. A little looking over the shoulder away from the camera. Maybe that would soften the image in her mind of her husband attired in women's clothing. It would give her a further opportunity to ask to see your face. If she wants to see your face, tell her you're not good at makeup and you need a lot of help in learning the art. Maybe, she would be willing to help you with makeup at a later after she has seen you dressed and not just a picture.

Your wife asking to see a picture would suggest to me, she still wants a buffer between her and her husband attired as a woman. I would not know what to do, if my wife asked to see me in a picture or in person. Again, if I were the wife I'd find a picture of my husband with head turned away from the camera as a possible defensive mechanism against the reality of cross dressing. "Is it a picture of my husband in a dress? Or is it a picture of a model in a fashion cataloque?"

[Suzie Petersen]

I think this topic is a really good one to discuss here, and one I haven't really seen addressed much. I know I was the one asking about the "Rocky 6 months", but I think it would be great if this thread stay on the picture topic and you can then address the other stuff in other threads, so .. I wont comment on that, other than say that your situation sounds pretty typical

One of the problems I think some CD girls have when it comes to their wifes understanding and acceptance, is that while the wife has spent a normal lifetime developing into a woman, many CD girls go through "girl puberty" late in life after growing up as boys. We go through the experimental phases of playing with clothes, makeup, hair etc like a young girl typically does, but instead of doing this at the age between 10 and 18, we might do it at age 30, 40, 50 or older! If a GG woman does that, she will be seen as a little off, silly or downright weird!

So when an adult wife of, say .. 45, is presented with pictures of her 48 year old hubby dressed up like an over sexed teenage girl on the way to a party her dad will most likely not let her go to, the wife cannot really be expected to have a positive reaction to it, right

You said in your first post that while your wife would like to see some pictures, she is also nervous! Has she told you why she is nervous about it? It would be fantastic if you can get her to explain her concerns about this to you before you show her your pictures!

I think your thought of maybe 5 pictures is fine. Be careful not to get pulled along if it goes well! Even if she reacts positive or neutral to seeing these up to 5 pics, and even if she asks to see more, it might work well for you to instead suggest that you look at more pictures some other time. That gives her a little time to let it sink in, reactions to these things are often not instant, and it gives you two an opportunity to have a little time together about this again at a later time.

Hugs
Suzie

[jigna]

I will not advice you to show it directly.
At first talk to her and convey that you have some nice photographs of yours.
Then quietly show one of the pictures and ask her opinion.

[Jenniferathome]

Ossian, I too, came out to my wife of 20+ years only a few years ago. I left it to her to ask when she wanted to see "me." About 6 months after telling her, we were talking about cross dressing and i asked if she wanted to see a picture or anything. She said sure, so I pulled up iPhoto and it was done.

One of her greatest fears was that when seeing my in girl mode, she would not be able to UN-see that when I am in guy mode. Throwing caution to the wind she looked at some pictures and quickly decided that I look nothing like boy me so that fear was put to bed. I think a picture is a good way to go before you appear live.

[suchacutie]

The question of import will be "why did you choose to show me this particular picture" (regardless of the content). You have a had a femme self for a long time, so showing her as much normalcy as possible would seem to be a good way to proceed. After the first handful of pictures, she may as for some different moods, and then the conversation has started.

Best wishes, and it would seem that this is a very positive step.

[Jennifer0874]

My wife found out about my dressing about 3 weeks into our relationship. that was 10 years ago. We happened to meet in September and we were invited to a Halloween party. She suggested we go as Sonny (her) and Cher (me).

We had a lot of fun shopping for our costumes. Then as my wife (then new gf)applied my make up she looked at me very surprised and with the sweetest smile on her face said "you're pretty". It helped that she felt I looked nothing like my male self. I think it also helped she found out early on.

[Tracii G]

If they want to see a pic first then show them.
Keep it clean no racy stuff.

[Cheryl T]

Actually my wife is my photographer most of the time.
She'll suggest outfits when I feel like a photo session and she'll pose me and remind me to smile and all that.

When I first showed her my pics I was nervous, but she's always been supportive and had constructive criticism.

[Angie G]

I don't keep pictures of my girl self so it isn't an option for us.But if I did and she wanted to see them I'd let her.
Angie

[Badwolf]

My mom is the one asking to see pictures but I know the struggle.

With my girlfriend I showed her me actually dressed first, not pictures.

In the end this will make it somewhat more real to them, and there is the risk of it becoming a sticking point. I honestly believe that if you have a serious drive, their refusal to want to accept all of you is a sticking point, but a smaller on in some respects. If you don't RISK them seeing it then there is no way to know if they accept you or not.

So please share, you know your wife, make it as fun for you and her as possible. Try to work within what you think her comfort zones are. She may ask you if that's all, be honest if it's necessary. I do agree with a few of the tips of going slow, BUT DO NOT LIE. Curate, but show a bit of range. Looking happy will reinforce that it's important to you, but looking distraught can show why her opinion matters to you. If you show her yourself in your Sunday Best and then she finds out you wear bondage leather, you might be setting yourself up for another round of trust issues. In this respect show her the good sides of you (not that time you decided to wear a long sweater as a dress and it came off really ****ty), but you can feel free to show her a dress that might look too short.

[Jeri Ann]

Many years ago my first wife was not supportive but tolerant of my dressing. She never wanted to see me dressed. She discovered my pictures (drawings on the wall of our cave)

and her attitude about my dressing changed for the worse. Her issue, as it turned out, was that she thought that I was more attractive than she was. It took a lot of assuring and

encouraging to get beyond that issue. Not having seen a picture of you or knowing anything about your situation, I only offer a word of caution. Hope it goes well for you.

Jeri

[Krisi]

If your wife has seen you dressed as a female and been out with you dressed as a female, why would she want or need to see pictures? And why would you hesitate to show her pictures?

How about this - Take some pictures of the both of you together.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Perhaps one or two pics is enough to start with? Even five is rather a lot.

My own wife's reaction was...no comment. She said nothing. But nor did she burst into tears.

Choose highly conservative pics, and gauge her reaction as best you can. Don't be too disappointed if her reaction lacks enthusiasm - this is a huge moment for her and she needs time - possibly a month or more - to process.

I wish you the best of luck!

PS Suzie's advice seems to cover it all very well.

[ossian]

Thanks everybody! These are helpful insights. I will post a reply to this thread on how things went. It may be a few days. Both of us have crazy schedules.

[aprilgirl]

My wife (girl friend at the time) asked if I had any photos of me en femme, shortly after I told her. I showed her a small album I kept, which contained images that were presentable and ones I was particularly proud of..enough to keep anyway. She went all Mr. Blackwell on me (lol) and I was somewhat surprised by her criticisms. At the time, I chalked it up to it all being so new to her, and it didn't really bother me. A few months later, she started piecing resale items together for new outfits for me, so my wardrobe got an update. A few years later, out of the blue, she brought up that experience and apologized for the way she reacted that day, which I shared was not an issue.

Good luck in sharing your images with your wife. It's understandable why you may be nervous to show her, but the fact that she's been very supportive is a positive indicator. Have you considered underdressing prior? That was my gf's idea to acclimate her to the whole concept, which was something I never really did prior. It was nearly nine months later before she met Kim live, fully dressed. Within minutes she was relieved, knowing that under the padding, make up and wig, I was still just me.

[Pat]

Her issue, as it turned out, was that she thought that I was more attractive than she was. It took a lot of assuring and encouraging to get beyond that issue.

In my experience, that's the most poisonous issue we face -- any time a GG compares herself unfavorably to you in any aspect of her life there's a very small window of opportunity to defuse that sentiment. And there may be none at all if she held back her initial thoughts. It doesn't matter if the issue is you look better in a short skirt or you have better clothes or do a better job with lip-liner -- don't ever mistake statements like that for compliments and let them go unchallenged. Even if (maybe especially if) you agree. Statements like that are going straight to the heart of her identity and it's very traumatic for them to think a crossdresser is better at being a woman than a genetic woman is. (Thus endeth the lesson.)

[Trishpdxcd2]

Hi,

I totally understand how scary showing pictures can be. I have been out for a couple of months and it has been more amazing than I could have imagined. I underestimated how open minded my wife would be and she has been great and I feel like it has brought us closer together. I am lucky, but I know it can drive a wedge as well. If your wife wants to see the pictures then I would show her. I just showed my wife pictures last week for the first time and she was supportive and had good feedback. She likes my legs....go figure.

[DonnaT]

My wife saw me dressed well before any pictures were taken.

Sounds like your wife hasn't seen you dressed when you've gone out?

Make sure they are decent.

[kimdl93]

Not pictures....just the real me.