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Thread: Angry Encounter

  1. #1
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
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    Angry Encounter

    Working from home today, so I stopped by the nail salon to fix a broken nail. Didn't need a full manicure, but I had them polish my nails and did a polish change on my toes while I was there. I was not dressed. Shorts and T-shirt, flip flops, ball cap, orangish-red nails, carrying a purse. I do this in drab quite a bit, so this is old territory for me. I went over to Tuesday Morning (small retail store) and as I'm walking to the door there's an older man (with a cane) and his wife going in just ahead of me. He stood there looking at me coming toward the door. I couldn't tell if he was waiting to hold the door for me or if he was just staring. As I got closer I could see that he just had anger written all over his face. As I approached the door he turned away and let the door close.

    When I went in he was standing there looking back at me, teeth clinched, with a look of hatred and like he was trying to think of something to say. I smiled and said "Hello" and went past him without incident. As I was going through the store I could overhear him talking to his wife. Couldn't hear every word, but I got the jest. I particularly overheard "queers" and "married".

    They turned onto the same aisle as me, and although the conversation stopped, the glares continued. I'm no activist and I'm non-confrontational to a fault. I wasn't afraid of him, but I was scared of the situation I was in. I was also getting angry, which is a rarity for me. So I said, "Could I ask you why you seem so angry at me?" He looked like he was going to explode. He just looked at my nails, meaning he made a point of looking in a way that I'd know what he was looking at, and said, "I ain't talkin' to you." His wife is shushing him. His face was so red and his fists were clenched. This is an OLD man, mind you.

    At this point I'm shaking. Still shaking, actually. I left and had no further encounter with him.

    I've been crossdressing publicly for over 40 years. From something minimal like today to full on fem and everything in between. In all that time I've only encountered anger and hatred twice that I recall, and it wasn't to this level. This one shook me up a little. I've never felt so hated. And it was over nail polish and a purse!!! I just can't wrap my head around that! I don't understand how that can possibly set someone off like this. It seems so completely benign to me. It's nothing.

    It's not going to stop me. That level of hatred, based on my own experience, is extremely rare. It did shake me up, though. I could feel the hate! Over NOTHING!

    I think all the press lately is causing a backlash. Gay marriage, Caitlyn, all the various things in the news... I hope the backlash is limited to angry old men. I guess they see that they're losing. They think we're all going to hell.

  2. #2
    Junior Member Tristessa's Avatar
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    Oh honey, I'm so sorry that happened! That is my worst nightmare, and I'd be rattled too if that happened to me. Some people are just locked in to the binary, and feel very threatened when they witness someone breaking traditional gender norms, even in very small ways like you were that day. I think you're right that all the media focus on LGBT concerns has really primed the hostility for some of these folks.

  3. #3
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    Rhonda - There is this possibility: About a year ago I met an elderly couple walking in a park. I said hello as I passed. The woman smiled. The old man glared at me and exploded: "I hate your f---- beard, you !#@!#$!" Shook me up. Dressed normally male btw. I said: "sorry you feel that way" and walked on. The woman caught up with me a moment later and profusely apologized for her husband. "He doesn't know what he is saying". At this point I can't recall whether she mentioned that he suffered from Alzheimers or dementia.

    So, this could have been your situation. A more than unreasonable outburst may suggest a mental illness more than a true hatred of a minor presentation.

    Hope this helps somewhat,

    Ineke

  4. #4
    Member Roli F's Avatar
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    seems to be a standard 5 wash of Testosterone Male Embrio, 1 brain cell, thinking or breathing, thinks too hard turns blue ,Falls Over, nuff said.
    Northern Monkeys versus Southern Softies My avatar is used by me with the permission of it's creator, Jason Thompson a wonderful American artist You cannot change me, though I can change the way I dress.

  5. #5
    Silver Member LilSissyStevie's Avatar
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    Back in '69 I was passing out antiwar leaflets in downtown D.C. when I handed one to an old lady she called me a communist (somewhat true at the time) and hit me upside the head with her umbrella. LOL! If you can't take the heat.......

  6. #6
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    You will find that not every person you encounter will approve of your decisions to dress, paint your nails, or look different that society believes a male should look. However, take into account this man today was from a different era. He comes from a time where a man could be arrested for wearing a dress or openly painting his nails. It is what he was taught and what he knows. Times have changed and he does not like it. When young men started wearing long hair, older men did not like that either. Yet, nearly 50 years later a man that chooses to wear his hair long is not berated one bit. Keep in mind, this too will pass. Yes, there is going to be those that feel the need to voice their opinion but that is all it is, their opinion.

  7. #7
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    I agree with Ineke, age does sometimes make us focus on the negative and not on the positive due to Alzheimer's or dementia. I have some limited experience with that from my experiences with my Mother in her late 80's and early 90's and my Father in Law, both suffering from dementia in their later years. Certain things just sets them off. It could be something small that was just a minor hot button with them when younger. Now, it just explodes out of them in the worst way. It may also be a hot button about something else, which is then carried over to some other thing. I would just cut them some slack and move on.

  8. #8
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    This 'backlash' is the product of cynical politicians and media doing all they can to keep older Americans riled up about the supposed 'culture wars'. Alas, I'm afraid these folks have come to believe that 'we' are not entitled to the freedoms and liberties they enjoy for themselves. I fail to see how I am infringing upon their rights by insisting upon my own.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

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  9. #9
    Another fine dress AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    My dad has Alzheimer's. It is now very advanced but in earlier stages he would say inappropriate things to people.

  10. #10
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jorja View Post
    You will find that not every person you encounter will approve of your decisions to dress, paint your nails, or look different that society believes a male should look. However, take into account this man today was from a different era. He comes from a time where a man could be arrested for wearing a dress or openly painting his nails. It is what he was taught and what he knows. Times have changed and he does not like it. When young men started wearing long hair, older men did not like that either. Yet, nearly 50 years later a man that chooses to wear his hair long is not berated one bit. Keep in mind, this too will pass. Yes, there is going to be those that feel the need to voice their opinion but that is all it is, their opinion.
    I agree that it's somewhat generational. I wish I could agree with the long hair thing. Seems I can look one direction and see awesome progress, then look another way and it's just like it was 50 years ago.

  11. #11
    Senior Member Lori Kurtz's Avatar
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    It's scary to get this kind of emotional response from someone, even a very old person. The good news: you have the freedom to walk away, but he has to live with his hate.

  12. #12
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    I do have to admit I love the image of him lingering at the door so he could let it close in your face. But it does make the whole story sound like you had an encounter with a guy with medical issues.

    The vast majority of men -- some number in the mid-to-high 90th percentile are totally OK with the societal definition of being a Man. Part of this is being a guardian -- whether guarding his country from the commies/capitalists, guarding the public from crime, from fire, from dangerous thoughts. Often they don't think too much about it because understanding interferes with guarding. At his age he has learned that what you are doing is Wrong. At the same time he probably learned politeness and live-and-let-live, but something, perhaps medical, has destroyed his filter and you're getting the undiluted guardian outrage. I'd say give him a pass. It's more sad than anything else.

  13. #13
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    When my kids were very young, toddlers in fact, we got stuck in a hospital elevator. We were in there for about an hour and a half, and the first half was actually pretty scary. I didn't have much with me but my car keys, and a baseball hat I was wearing ... so I did what any resourceful dad would do ... I made a game out of putting the hat on the wrong body part ... we got through the whole thing without a single toddler tear.

    This is the power of distraction. In America at least, the economic elevator has been stuck for something like 20 or 30 years. There are many unpleasant realities that all of us have to deal with. If you find yourself a member of a large enough demographic ... elderly people, baby boomers, being of one race or another, etc ... you will find yourself the target of many, many people who wish to play hat games. From scapegoating anyone who's different (but not numerous enough to fight back), to video games that reward you for wasting hours on end ... to talk radio that spins a different sort of fantasy yarn ... all of it is designed to distract, and to channel that distraction into political power or monetary gain ... which these days are pretty much one and the same.

    Just for the hell of it, I hit scan on my radio while I was waiting in a drive through line at lunch today. Maybe I was after shadenfreude ... but I wanted to witness a little of the Monday morning right wing freakouts after Fridays pride extravaganza ... I was rewarded with 5 stations of bona-fide hair-on-fire freaking.

    It's easy to understand. Dude is probably marinating in that sceene. From that guy's perspective, the world is really coming to an end. On the inside, he's a distracted toddler ... you're the hat, and our country is the stuck elevator.

    I have hope for the future. My children are literlly mystified as to why anyone gives a crap about this stuff. Their children will grow up in a world where almost nobody does.

    I hope though, that the powder keg these reactionary opportunists are stoking doesn't blow, and result in some sort of horrific Oklahoma City domestic terrorism thing along the way to our brighter future. Given the track record though ... well it seems only like a meter of time. Be safe out there, sisters.
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  14. #14
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    I was sorry to hear about this angry encounter. Hope it is only a flash in the pan. But I must say "Tristessa" what a cute avatar pic.. You go Gurl !!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tristessa View Post
    Oh honey, I'm so sorry that happened! That is my worst nightmare, and I'd be rattled too if that happened to me. Some people are just locked in to the binary, and feel very threatened when they witness someone breaking traditional gender norms, even in very small ways like you were that day. I think you're right that all the media focus on LGBT concerns has really primed the hostility for some of these folks.

  15. #15
    How did that happen ? Samantha2015's Avatar
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    Maybe I'm a little old fashioned but for me CD is an all or nothing affair. I could never go out in guy mode with any femme stuff on or showing. I'm not willing to push the envelope that far. Nothing wrong with those of you that do and the old man was wrong in expressing anger at you. Would the reaction from him been the same if you were fully dressed female? Would he have even noticed then ?
    Still a long way to go for men to be anything other than MANLY MEN and be fully accepted in the mainstream.
    Hugs
    Samantha

  16. #16
    Junior Member Tristessa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by larry View Post
    But I must say "Tristessa" what a cute avatar pic.. You go Gurl !!
    Thanks, Larry!

  17. #17
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    Yep, you have to watch out for those OLD men! They are nothing but trouble.

    Remember though, with a little luck, you too will eventually become an OLD man. Keep this encounter in mind and act accordingly when you get to that position in life.

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member OCCarly's Avatar
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    You know, there really is a generational divide in this country over LGBT matters. I read somewhere that 60% of people age 14 to 34 want to do away with the gender binary entirely. And here's an anecdote. I was in a major courthouse in Southern California last week, and I saw an MTF transgender, fully presenting female (no I am only 90% sure she was trans, but there is an MTF transgender in my wife's family and then there's me, so my trans-dar works pretty well). She was tall, blond, and in a T shirt and skinny jeans, and with her wife who was black/mixed race. They looked to be in their late twenties/early thirties. Their child, about four years old, was with them.

    No one batted an eye or said anything. It was just business as usual in the courthouse. Most of the folks surrounding me at the time were younger, under 40. I was the only one who even gave them a second look, and that was only to see if anyone was reacting to them at all.

    The reality is, the younger folks really don't care how you present. It is the older ones, and mostly the really old ones, who have problems and want to make trouble.

  19. #19
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear about this too, but glad you came through it relatively unscathed.

    Even if he wasn't suffering some form of dementia, I've long thought many old folk just get really angry about things - probably a lot of it is the frustration of getting old and that pent up anger just gets directed at anyone who's around. I remember once receiving a door ding (we have small car parking spaces here so it's a constant niggle) in a supermarket car park from an old guy in his car, must have been in his eighties. I was with my wife at the time and so I politely suggested he might be more careful with his door to which he got out of his car and started shoving me and ducking and feinting like a boxer... Quite ridiculous really - but some old folk just hate... any catalyst will set them off...

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
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  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krisi View Post
    Yep, you have to watch out for those OLD men! They are nothing but trouble.

    Remember though, with a little luck, you too will eventually become an OLD man. Keep this encounter in mind and act accordingly when you get to that position in life.
    Perhaps I can call myself lucky to discover my 'second self' before I got to be a grumpy, opinionated OLD man. That was not until three years ago, at age 78. Now 81, my brain has been forcefully shifted, with my approval. I am wearing my fave pink panties and I think I am a nice guy.

    Ineke

  21. #21
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    You just had one of those chance encounters just let it slide.

  22. #22
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samantha2015 View Post
    Maybe I'm a little old fashioned but for me CD is an all or nothing affair. I could never go out in guy mode with any femme stuff on or showing. I'm not willing to push the envelope that far. Nothing wrong with those of you that do and the old man was wrong in expressing anger at you. Would the reaction from him been the same if you were fully dressed female? Would he have even noticed then ?
    Still a long way to go for men to be anything other than MANLY MEN and be fully accepted in the mainstream.
    He probably wouldn't have noticed me had I been fully fem. I know that I attract some attention because of the way I present sometimes. I get that people may notice, be surprised, comment among themselves... lots of things. I just don't understand why it rises to the level of causing hate and anger.

  23. #23
    Transman Andy66's Avatar
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    When I was young, I thought almost all old people were nice, harmless, and gave out hard candy. Now that I have alot more experience with them, I have seen that alot of them can be mean, complainey, and like to get overly angry about silly things. Consider the source, dear, and remember that the love that is being sent your way far outweighs the hate that was (mis)directed at you.

  24. #24
    Aspiring Member TinaZ's Avatar
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    He might be angry because he's near death and terrified about his mortality. He might be angry because he's in constant arthritic pain. He might be angry because his children have stopped contacting him.

    The list of things he might be angry over is a mile long. But you're not on it. Unfortunately, you happened to be there when some internal straw broke his camel's back, thus you became the scapegoat. Sorry it happened. Have pity on him. Stay pretty and be awesome!
    Ms. Tina Zee - Your favorite gender nonconforming ukulelist and vocalist. Well, one of your favorites, I hope.

    See me sing right here! https://www.youtube.com/user/MsTinaZee

  25. #25
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    There r people that would say u r confrontational if u go out in vanilla land as a man in a dress. The fact is whether that is your motivation or not, u go out knowing u will be noticed by some as presenting as someone u r not.

    They may think its funny, changing times, don't give a darn, or get pissed off. But, if you're out in drab none of these same folks will give u a second thot.

    And, that is why I'm a closet dressers. I get stressed wondering what all those people staring at me dressed r thinking? When dressing at home is pure fun and completely stress free!

    If I could pass occasionally I mite feel differently. But, I can't.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

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