Started HRT

[Karren J]

Hello everyone!

The game is now on! I've started HRT!!! I've had the instantaneous result of an unbelievable increase in the amount of smiles that appear on my face. I've had a busy time of the last few weeks and it's been good, in addition to the HRT my wife is going to see a therapist to help her sort out this new reality. we both want to stay together and I'm hoping we do but I don't want her in a situation that is wrong for her. I want a positive answer to the question "can we make this work?" but her being happy with her life is the most important part. I'm just glad shes on the path to figure it out.

I am still very stealth right now but in co-ordination with the psychologist plans are in place for speaking to HR at the office, this is mid to long term stuff. I've given myself a rather broad timeline of 3 to 12 months before this should be necessary, I've based that on the experiences that I've read about here. Life has been going on pretty normal and I'm kinda stuck waiting for me to change more before moving to the next step of coming out. My hair is approaching short woman's hair length and I'm staying strict with both diet and exercise, my weight lose is tapering off but I think is just a plateau.

I think I've gotten a good endo from my psychologist's referral. He's personable, seems very knowledgeable and genuinely caring. I'm on a low dose of both Estrogen and Spiro that will be assessed and tweaked down the road bit to ensure it works for me. I agree with the cautious approach and it seem the smart way to do this.

All in all life is good, and I want to share.

Kelly

[VanTG]

Thank you for sharing and it is a wonderful experience isn't it. You may think your stuck waiting now but I assure you that time will flyby rather quickly.

Best of luck on the road ahead.

[Heidi Stevens]

Sounds like you got a good plan Kelly! Don't rush things and since your wife is on board, keep her in the loop. I'm 3 months in now and it's been a wonderful ride so far.

[Anne2345]

If you continue down this road, things will change for you in ways you cannot yet even begin to comprehend, anticipate, or understand in your current reality. Which is fine, because that's the way things work with this, and it's all part of the process. That said, unless your wife is the *rare* exception, and I do mean RARE, how she views you in relation to her own reality is going to change drastically, as well. And as with you, she cannot yet begin to appreciate the changes that are to come as you progress down this path. But those changes ARE going to occur in you, both physically and psychologically. So make absolute no mistake that these things will change the dynamic of your relationship between the two of you. Statistics show that most "traditional" cis-gender marriages fail. A much greater percentage fail when one partner comes out and needs to transition. This, though, is not necessarily a bad thing. And it can certainly be, and probably usually is, the right thing. It's still a really *difficult* thing, though. Going into HRT with my now ex-wife, I said exactly the same things you have just written here. I even believed the things I said, despite all the words of caution from those that had been there done that warned me to be prepared for the opposite. And oh boy, lemme tell ya!! Crap towards the end there completely fell apart, my wife despised me, she blamed me, she was angry, she was bitter, she was frustrated, and she was scared.

Because in the end, my transition changed her life completely in ways that her life will never, ever be the same again. She didn't sign up for this. She didn't plan for this. This was not what she was looking for when we got married. And now she is divorced and single, we have a house to sell, a child to raise and share custody, and so on and so forth. We had plans for the future. A future that will never ever happen now. She was collateral damage, and she has suffered much pain and hurt from all of this. It's nobody's fault. It's certainly not her fault. It just is what it is, and she is a victim of circumstance.

I do not write these things to try to scare you off or to make you feel less happy than you currently are. I write these things primarily in hopes that you will remain aware and cognizant that this is no game, and that how things look a year from now, or two years from now, are going to be ENTIRELY different from how they are now. So just be prepared, work through these things as they come up with your therapist, and take nothing for granted with her or your relationship.

And good luck and congratulations on starting this next step!! I will never, ever forget the excitement and initial psychological boost beginning HRT gave me. It was powerful . . . . :-)

[LeaP]

Collateral damage ... really? Sorry, Anne, that just seems too depersonalized, as does "nobody's fault" and "victim of circumstance." Do what you must, but take responsibility for it, too.

Kelly, I wish you well, but make no mistake - Anne is correct about the potential brutality of the road ahead. It can lead to desperation just as surely as being trans can. Perhaps you will be one of the lucky ones for whom hormones are enough.

[Rianna Humble]

LeaP, have you really forgotten everything that Anne wrote so quickly? She took plenty of responsibility, but she is not responsible for the way that her wife changed.

Kelly, it's great that your wife is getting help figuring out her new reality and I hope that between you you are able to make this work for her. On the subject of coming out at work, I would suggest you do as much research as possible about your employer's policies towards diversity and whether that covers transition as well. Then take some time planning things with HR but build in some flexibility and be prepared for those plans to change.

[Debb]

Kelly:

I am right here behind you. Start HRT in less than a month ... going thru the "we want to stay together" phase with my own spouse ... tonight she was able to tell me how she just can't see us cuddling on the sofa in a few months (not that we do that now). It saddens me that this is likely to end badly; like you, I want so badly for her to be able to be happy, but it seems this won't be the case. I hold on to the hope that she is stronger than anyone I know.

Congratulations! Please keep us updated on how it's going, I especially will be looking on with great interest.

[Sandra]

From a rare wife who is still with her SO who is post-op, keep her in the loop at all times don't try and rush her let her take her time to get her head around what is happening. I do hope that she can accept what is happening and still be in your life, but still be prepared for this not to happen.

[Suzanne F]

I too am early in HRT , 3 months. I have a supporting wife at this time. Yes we hope we make it. I know that no one wants us early transitioners to not fully understand what may happen to us and our loved ones. However, please make sure to support our attempt to stay with our SOs. I know what I am up against! I know your stories of loss. I painfully watch when it happens again here. Even my TG friends who know my wife constantly warn me of the futility of our relationship. My wife hears from her book club friends how she should be repelled by her feminine husband. Just be careful to say that yes once in a blue moon it works. At least don't take away our few example that do exist.
Suzanne

[karenpayneoregon]

Congratulations Kelly, what I learned was that a year down the road on hormone therapy there were vast changes that were cumulative in nature, especially after reassignment surgery. You are fortunate to have your SO on board, remember to keep her needs in mind as many will focus on themselves more so than the SO and it's paramount to have her happy throughout your journey.

[Dianne S]

So as a counterpoint to what LeaP wrote, not everyone has a horribly rough transition. Some of us are extremely lucky. Depending on how you measure it, I'm either 18 months into transition or 3 months living full-time and it has been an overwhelmingly positive experience for me. I've been extremely lucky to have a loving and accepting family and a great set of friends and coworkers. In fact, I am re-establishing ties with people from whom I drifted away over the years because I finally feel like I'm living my life instead of walking around like a zombie.

It's not all roses, of course. I have lost a good friend. My marriage failed, though that was on a death-spiral anyway quite apart from my being trans. I would say most marriages fail when one person transitions, so you need to prepare for that reality.

The point is we wouldn't transition if we didn't think it would make us happier in the long run. Keep your eye on that prize.

[PretzelGirl]

Kelly, I think I have said my piece a lot before. So I will just say this. Decide what you want and go after it in an optimistic way. Consider everyone and everything in your way forward. Everything you have now, is yours. I don't like to see anyone crumple up something and toss it like a piece of paper until it is actually gone. We will have losses. But we increase our chances of keeping more if we go forward believing that we can keep it. Don't recoil expecting judgement. Shine bright and let everyone see who you are! People are more apt to accept someone who is self accepting and shows them that they are wonderful and happy.

All that is general, no reading into your message. I am happy for you and the authenticity begins. Stay in touch here as the interaction helps the processing. Congratulations and the best to you!

[Karren J]

Thanks for all the replies and thoughts everyone. I appreciate what Anne said, it's a realistic view. I'm going to do every reasonable thing I can to make it work but I know the odds aren't good. In my mind it will be a failure if at the end of the day I didn't try to make it work. I'm hoping for success but preparing for it not to work.

"I do not write these things to try to scare you off or to make you feel less happy than you currently are."

I don't take your words that way at all Anne, this is not a decision I've made lightly and it's taken years to become aware of who I am. If I didn't want the advice and opinions of those who have gone before me I wouldn't be here. I'm sorry you and you wife couldn't make it work but like you I'm going to try.

Work is going to be interesting, I work in an overwhelmingly male dominated field that still has a solid "old boys club" going strong. To balance that there are some very good policies in place for human right protections so it will be a wait and see kind of thing. I'm confident the company will be good to deal with it's all the individual people that will get interesting, I'm not taking my friends for granted but this is going to happen whether people like it or not. I'm just happy the indecision is over, I've chosen and I'm going forward.

[Eringirl]

Congrats Kelly and welcome aboard! While my marriage did not survive, I hope yours will fair much better.

Erin

[Donnagirl]

Congrats Kelly,

I am only a few months ahead of you, HRT started in February. I too have the most supportive of wife, and I have found that I have recently become far more affectionate, cuddling on the couch now the norm for us. We are both confident that the relationship will survive, will change obviously but will survive...

I can understand the outbreak of smiles... I've turned into the happiest, calmest, most unflappable character, so very different to how I was... Enjoy the journey from here and best of luck..

Hugs,

Donna