Do you defend your proclivity?

[CarlaWestin]

This fabulous thing that we do, Crossdressing. It's just so desireable and the most soothing and pleasing activity. But to others around us, that just see it as a sickness, it's just a perverted psychological defect. And if you're in a DATA, IDWTSI situation with your SO, you probably are an occasional target of ridicule and downright hatred. It is all my fault 'cause I'm a sick pervert. Usually, there's no mention of it and I mistakenly assume that it's just quietly accepted as part of my unique persona and then the anger storm happens. I learned years ago that you don't douse a fire with gasoline so, I generally just don't comment or defend my situation. We're long past the initial talk. If she would ever want to just talk intelligently about it, I'd be all for it. But, from her point of view, it's just a convenient lightening rod for the blame game.

So, how do y'all handle it?

(And, I removed a lot before posting as this is not a rant. I love my wife dearly.)

Please Note: This thread is open for comment to all but, primarily, It's about the aversion of being in DADT or similar situations. To include being in social groups that relentlessly bash genderists not knowing there's one amoungst them. i.e. workplace

[Jenniferathome]

Carla, I do think you are projecting your situation in "us." I don't agree that "those around us see it as a sickness." I do think that very few can understand it. Your situation is unique and for that I feel for you. All you can do is explain, calmly, and move on. I've never felt the need to "defend" my cross dressing but Iamalways happy to explain it should anyone ask.

[CarlaWestin]

I don't agree that "those around us see it as a sickness.

But to others around us, that just see it as a sickness, it's just a perverted psychological defect.

I didn't imply that all others around us view it as defective. But, rather that certain group of closed minded vampires. i.e. the recent crop of Jenner haters.

[Sarah-RT]

I like to think of myself as a man of science so I look at the situation as basically just a fault of chemistry that if ignored causes depression, anxiety etc etc. I had a chat the other night while out drinking with one of my buddies and explained it as such, his response was "the big problem with society is looking down on men 'looking weak' " I agreed and said that's the biggest challenge to overcome, I'm still me, I've the same likes and interests but I now just have a few more that he hadn't known about but the new ones make me feel like less of a man.
I can still love a women, raise kids and be a good dad, friend and colleague but in the biological lottery I rolled snake eyes and I'm making do with what I've got, to the average person it makes no difference to them, the majority of people I've met or ever will meet will be unlikely to ever know but for some that do(no one I know thankfully) they seem to think we're calling forth the apocalypse.
It can be a bumpy existence we have but surrounding yourself with supportive folk makes it easier.
The thing about friends being supportive though is that you don't know what they really think, in the context of having a very supportive GG friend who might offer compliments on a photo, go shopping or half treat you like a GG even if it's only to humour us, would they recommend you to a single friend as a possible suitor based on your male traits, or would they see you as damaged?
Thankfully we can't read minds so that helps but it's a lot to think about

Sarah x

[Tracii G]

Very true Sarah you will never know what your friends that seem accepting say to other people behind your back.

[Alice Torn]

I am down to being able to only trust my cats, with my secret.

[Sarah-RT]

Hmm I've been re-reading what I've written and it comes off to me as woefully negative, while I like to be realistic, I try to treat being trans as positively as possible since the grief it can personally cause.
I've told my inner circle of 6 friends, two gays, two straight males and 2 straight females. The biggest reserve I had was telling my straight male friends who were my closer two friends of the lot, all 6 have been fine, and 5 of them supportive, the 6th has only recently been told so I'm still giving him time to digest, the other straight male said its no biggie to him but he did need to adjust to the idea, I told him when he gets to the "ball busting" stage I'll know he's cool with it, we then proceeded to quote the silence of the lambs character buffalo bill which is what I'd consider the ball busting stage. So to rebuttal my first post, supportive friends are like nothing else and instead of saying "however they may hold back true opinions for the sake of friendship" I'll say they will or should hold back certain opinions because that shows how they are friends by being non judgmental.

DADT is more challenging than just friends or work colleagues in terms of an SO, I've only had 1 ex GF who knew and was supportive but maybe it's our generation over some of the older generations who usually get caught in DADT. Many women now a days have gay best friends or they come off as open minded or liberal. Obviously when trying to get an SO our first question wouldn't be "what's your opinion of gay men or same sex marriage" but it would be relatively easy to find out early on what the potential partner thinks of LGBT people. I can't say that all SO's should be supportive of us, in particular situations. As many of us are part timers and also enjoy being male it really shouldn't change things too much if it only happens at home or a trip or two out on the town, your still the same intelligent/funny/caring/interesting person they met, unless you go further, if I had a CDing partner( what women don't wear men's clothes am I right?) I originally felt I'd be unsupportive since I'm not attracted to men but if it was like me, a comfort thing where it was a few times a week then what of it, but that would only be if it was like me, or many others of us, reversible. If a partner shaved her head then I would be concerned, but chest binders, no makeup or didn't shave her legs for a few days? Easily changed.

Sorry about the random long winded replies, I haven't dressed in a few days and I'm pent up!

Sarah x

[kimdl93]

Reflecting back, I have never felt obliged to defend myself, but I have been asked to explain...most often in response to genuine curiosity and concern. I'm glad to do that to the extent that I can.

[Jean 103]

I'm separated, but my ex is in the same camp. She thinks I'm sick and need help. We are on good terms and I visit her once a week. Just when I think she may be coming around she will tell me how sick I am. I actually was sick I just got over the flue. Just this last Thursday my girlfriends (GGs) called me to go out, karaoke night and to play pool. I find the public supportive. Afterword I gave a couple friends a ride home and went to subway. 2am it's full of twenty somethings. Mickey is working by his self like usual, I go to the bathroom and return to wait in line. I like Mickey he is always in a good mood and this is his second job. The DJ shows up, I pay for his sandwich too, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I finish my breakfast sandwich, out-front sitting on the sidewalk in front of my car are five girls and one guy. I wearing a tight fitting zebra print dress above the knee, black stockings and pumps, 5" heels with a 3/4" platform. The girls tell me they like my shoes and one comments how she couldn't walk in them. I hold up my foot and point out the platform. Then I comment that the guy doesn’t know what that means. They all breakout laughing. This is the kind of interactions I have with the public all the time. My ex and the people that I generally find when I’m out are on opposite sides of the spectrum.
Love Jean

[Joni T]

I guess I'm the lucky one here. My fiancée is ok with it, and encouraging to boot. There is no DADT or IDWTSI involved. In fact when my fiancée and I first met, she met Joni, not Jon.
Jon(i)

[Rachelakld]

In the early 90's, a work mate of mine was accused of being gay (because being gay at that time was a perverted psychological defect).
I told everyone to shut up and it's non of their business and he was a brilliant worker.
3 months later he was in the gay parade and introducing his partner at our work parties.
He said, it was my actions and show of support, that encouraged him to be himself.

Maybe I've set an example, as my kids give my wife the evil eye and sometime a bit of lip if I can't be girlish at times.
As for me, my perverted psychological defect has given me great insight and greater peace that a single sexed human could ever know, so I'm not complaining

[Sandie70]

I haven't had to defend myself... yet. For all those who know about me, there are many more who don't, and among those who don't are some very valued friends and a few family.

What worries me the most about coming out is not all those who I suspect will support me, but those who, in the past, I respected who might think or say negative or hateful things about me. Statements from these people would be arrows of the most hurtful type.

Unfortunately, I really don't know who among those closest to me will react the strongest - and whether I would even want to take the time to defend myself from them. Maybe the best would be to distance myself from those who react badly and move on. Like a divorce, there is nothing to be gained by arguing... and defending myself might just add fuel to the hurt.

[Teresa]

Carla,
Your last few lines as below sound so familiar, I would have said in those words but the meaning would be the same !
It was so hard not to lay blame at my wife's door when I had my counselling sessions because living with it under a DADT situation without intelligent acceptance is very hard. Unlike you I still attempt to openly discuss the situation otherwise I still fear I may do something drastic to break the deadlock !

Quote:-
"Usually, there's no mention of it and I mistakenly assume that it's just quietly accepted as part of my unique persona and then the anger storm happens. I learned years ago that you don't douse a fire with gasoline so, I generally just don't comment or defend my situation. We're long past the initial talk. If she would ever want to just talk intelligently about it, I'd be all for it. But, from her point of view, it's just a convenient lightening rod for the blame game. "

[docrobbysherry]

Carla, u could have just as easily entitled your thread, "Why I stay in the closet." At least, as far as I'm concerned.

1. I am a closet dresser so only my immediate family knows. They don't approve. My ex is completely irrational and the daughter that lives with me in a DADT arrangement will NEVER talk about it. So, no defense is possible here.

2. When I go out dressed, vanillas don't engage me. Usually, they're too busy laffing or gawking with their jaws dropped. I even saw that at a T friendly bar last nite.

3. When I'm out as Sherry most folks would do anything NOT to catch my attention!

I think if you're actually having "defense", or ANY kinds of conversations with folks? You're lite years ahead of many of us!

[Sometimes Steffi]

I like to think of myself as a man of science so I look at the situation as basically just a fault of chemistry that if ignored causes depression, anxiety etc etc. I had a chat the
I can still love a women, raise kids and be a good dad, friend and colleague but in the biological lottery I rolled snake eyes and I'm making do with what I've got, to the average person it makes no difference to them, the majority of people I've met or ever will meet will be unlikely to ever know but for some that do(no one I know thankfully) they seem to think we're calling forth the apocalypse.
Sarah x

I think of myself as hetero, a good dad empowering my daughter, bring home the bacon, don't beat my wife, etc. etc. And I crossdress. BFD. I think I'm rolling 7s, not snake eyes.

But when you get right down with it, I've been in groups that criticized people of my religion background, my birth place. Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I laugh with them, and sometimes I confront them. I'm one of "them", or a lot of my friends or relatives are "them". I think some people may just repeat what they've heard without really thinking about. Without getting into politics, just read thr news papers from the last month.

[ReineD]

Speaking from the other side, and of course strictly from my own point of view, I would hate, hate, HATE being in a relationship with someone who repeatedly does something that I despise. Honestly I don't think I could stay in a relationship like that. So … my only option, really, is to try to understand where it comes from and deal with it. Right? It's smarter to swim with the flow than go against the current. And this is exactly what I did in the beginning of our relationship. I know that I cannot change others, I can only work on my own attitudes about things, and so I knew that our relationship would not be happy if I could not accept the CDing.

If your wife is still with you, there are chances that she does not despise what you do … assuming that she, like many other people, would not be able to stay in a relationship with a person who does things that she abhors. She may have neutral feelings about it, thinking that it's a pleasurable pastime for you, you're OK as long as you get time to engage in it, and you don't need her to be involved if she doesn't want to be? I'm saying this to suggest that you may be projecting negative feelings about what you do onto your wife, who may not feel as strongly against it as you think?

… on the other hand, if she found out well into the marriage then it may be a different scenario. She may feel stuck. This is why it is best to tell spouses before the commitment, for anyone new reading this who is contemplating marriage.

[Maria 60]

I don't know if this is defending or just the stereo type things in life we live with. A few years back a new women started at work and she was a knockout, just beautiful. We knew she was married and respected her. The company had a bbq and asked us to bring our spouses, when she showed up with her husband he was this little quit guy which was very surprising. Next day at work this co-worker made a comment that a women like that shouldn't be with a week guy like that, she needed a man like him, strong a protector on any situation. Well you guessed it he went for it and had an affair with her and are now together. He only made the move after seeing her husbands weakness. On that note I was driving with my wife fully dressed and I asked my wife looking at me dressed like this if she is disappointed or does she see this as a weekness in me and if she feels safe with me that in any situation I could defend her. She told me she didn't see it as a weekness but likes it as our secret and doesn't see it as weekness or as a sickness but could be interpreted to others as a weekness but she knows me and can tell it's real and the feelings are very strong and doesn't feel as if it's hurting her or anybody else so why not just keep it our secret and be careful and we can both enjoy it. I believe I was defending myself and believe if any other man sees this side will see it as a weekness because it's not the normal football player strong man stereo type all men should be. Isn't that sad.

[Sarah-RT]

Maria I had a sort of similar chat with a friend last night, I asked him does he see me as weird or whatever else now and to tell me honestly, I've been friends with him for 10 or 11 years now. He says while he doesn't 'get' transgender since he's cis he doesn't view me any differently; he refers to me as Sarah when I'm dressed and my male name when male and when I'm male he refers to Sarah as another person.

I asked him with the knowledge would he be happy to play wingman or if in a situation would he recommend me to a single girl and he said "absolutely, why wouldn't I?"
He is one of my gay friends I often mention and I admitted to him when he first came out I did see him as different at first but no longer, he is the example of not being a gay stereotype, very macho with little "camp" aspects and it was good to share equal respect like that.

Sarah x

[TrishaTX]

Like Renee said, I hid it for so many years , when my wife found out it caused a huge issue. So for me, my first lesson was stop lying about who you are. I didn't let it all out at once when she learned...I have learned to be respectful of her feelings and just allow her to understand this is who I am. I should have done this over 15 years ago...that was my biggest error.
I do still feel I am somewhat defective ...maybe not sick....so until I get past that I cannot expect anyone else not to feel that way. We grow up trying to be perfect and sometimes consider this imperfect...it is still somewhat of a jumble in my head.
I can go out and buy somethings and take them home without hiding. I can dress partially now for her. It is not totally were I want to be but I also wasn't totally truthful so trying to find that middle and continue to grow. She is a great wife and my soulmate. In the end, I hope we find a spot where we both are comfortable.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't usually have anyone to defend it to. But the few who I have discussed it with, I gave them the whole story, from beginning to end, and wind it all up by saying that it's basically like an itch in your brain that you can't scratch, and only by crossdressing does the itch go away. Then I let them make their own conclusions.

[msniki48]

Carla,

have you and your wife been to counseling? you used the word pervert...[ one that my wife used also ] counseling brought an end to that verbage and much more consideration between the 2 of us.

it took us 180 degrees to acceptance....not for everyone, but it worked for us.

hugs

niki

[Alice Torn]

Maria60, Yes, it is very sad, that men are respected if they act tough, or macho, or muscle heads, but if a man is kind, humble, a little "effeminate", he is considered weak, a non man, pushover, etc. It is one reason i have never been married, as, I try to be humble.