SO looking for clarity.

[Charleston]

Hi there,

My partner and I are both gender fluid individuals and have found much love and acceptance in each others company. personally I have gone through the questioning of transitioning from female to male and after having a breast reduction found that I was quite comfortable with my female form and have decided that the body I have now is just fine with me.

my partner, shortly after we started to date, began to reveal some things about himself; he loves anal sex and loves to have sex with men but does not like to have relationships with men; he likes to cross dress but still feels that he wants to remain a man; He has tried being gay but found it wasn't satisfying for him; He has thought about transitioning but had come to the conclusion that he really like his body the way it was. As time has gone on (we have been living together for over a year and a half now), he has become more comfortable with himself he has fallen into himself more steadily which has been a truly beautiful thing to witness. He has become comfortable wearing women's clothing in public and has largely found acceptance from our community and friends.

At this point he still seems adamant that he does not want to transition but has recently begun wearing false breasts and has started talking about breast implants and the possibility of going on HRT. In my many years of being involved in the LGBT community I have never come across somebody who chose to get breast augmentation (and possibly HRT) but not transition all the way. Neither of us having experienced this process ourselves I am left feeling slightly apprehensive and nervous about the process. I wonder if anybody else out there has gone through this process and wonder what your experiences have been in regards to safety while traveling; HRT and it's effects on mood, personality, sexuality, and hobbies; or any issues you may have had in your day to day lives.

We have talked a lot about all of this and although I have expressed my concerns our conversations have not always clearly shed light on them and I do not want my confusion about the situation to limit him in his expression of himself.
Thank you all for listening

[Laura912]

Congratulations on your concerns. It seems that both of you would benefit from some counseling sessions with a therapist familiar with trans issues. Doing things piecemeal as you have described could be hazardous.

[Jorja]

Gezz, some people want it all! Clarity of all things.

You will find that in the transgender world, clarity is about as clear as mud. It is not about having a clear answer but finding that place which is tolerable. My idea of what I need and want is probably completely different from you, your partner and 10,000 other people.

As mentioned, It sounds like both of you would benefit from some counseling sessions with a therapist familiar with trans issues. Once you both have an idea of what it is you need/want you can develop a plan to make things happen.

[kimdl93]

I second the recommendation of therapy to assist in clarification. But I'd also suggest that transition may not be an all or nothing proposition. It seems quite possible...and I can think of several people I know, who have transitioned in a very definitive manner without going the full route, for example I know of a woman in my home town who lives full time as such without benefit of HRT or body modifications...mainly for health reasons, and I know other TS individuals who have elected not to have SRS, but are on HRT, have BA and FFS. It's all very persona.

[Dawn cd]

Charleston, it wasn't completely clear from your OP exactly what "clarity" you are seeking. Are you trying to clarify your partner's gender issues or trying to clarify your relationship? Resolving one of those may not resolve the other. It's wonderful that you've found love and acceptance in each other. As you enter counseling, you need to decide what resolution you most hope for--and whether you both hope for the same resolution.

[Charleston]

My apologize folks, what I am looking for clarity on is peoples experience with HRT treatment what effects this may have on mood, personality, sexuality, and interests. and also wondering that if he chooses to go half way which seems to be his inclination if anyone has been in the position of having distinctly female features(breasts) while maintaining male faced and if they have ever had issues with traveling. We live on a very small island and are not terribly blessed in the monetary abundance realm. Although it would be great to go see a therapist it is very costly and something we would have to save up for for a while.

[becky77]

Hi Charleston

I can't relate to any kind of midway state so I'm not able to help you there sorry.

As for HRT it's had a massive affect on me, mentally and physically, the dreaded male sexdrive has gone and with it any kind of activity down there, for me that's great and I don't miss it.

I can only speak for myself but any interest I had in women completely went, i'm not saying it changes your sexual preference but it does let you see things differently.
It's also changed me mentally, before I would descibe myself as 'unbalanced' and always felt at odds with myself, the hormones made me feel right. It's hard to describe but it defenitaly changes you.

I would highly recommend therapy with a trans specialist, how you describe him doesn't sound like HRT would be suitable. I mean if he want's to remain a man why take HRT?

[Charleston]

He see's himself as an in-between; but it also seems like his opinion of himself and where he stands is in flux. I agree therapy would be supper useful and is something I will suggest to him. His original thought about HRT was to get the female looking figure mainly the ability to grow breasts; but I don't think he is fully aware of all the effects. I don't think given his current opinion of what he his wanting that it would be the right thing for him but I also don't really know too much about the whole process. He has also talked about breast implants but doesn't feel too comfortable with the silicone or saline implants and the prospect of the upkeep.
I also worry about his family. They are very religious and see anything to do with "queer" as a guaranteed damnation of the soul. He is very close with his family regardless and so far they have mostly "feared for him" but still accepted him into their home. I wonder if this transition would make things too difficult to accept for much of his family and know that he would be heartbroken if his family stopped speaking to him.

[stefan37]

Breast growth via hormones is hit or miss. In any case takes years to develop.

[Frances]

If clarity is sought, a therapist is exacly what is needed.

[Starling]

A course of HRT is a diagnostic aid, Charleston, and could help clarify your partner's gender identification. But clarity in gender issues can bring pain, so be prepared. It seems to me, though, that you both have shown great love and flexibility, and I have high hopes for your success as a couple.

Lallie

[Dianne S]

...peoples experience with HRT treatment what effects this may have on mood, personality, sexuality, and interests...

I think the effects of HRT are strongly dependent on many factors, both physical and mental, so take all of this with a large grain of salt. I've been on HRT for four months and anti-androgen for 10 months. I have not noticed much of an effect on my mood. I'm generally happier, but I think that's because I'm happy to be transitioning and not specifically because of the HRT.

HRT + anti-androgen has killed my libido. Killed it dead. In my youth I had a pretty big appetite for sex and did quite a lot of self-help, so to speak. Now I get in the mood maybe once in six weeks.

I have some breast development already; I wear an AA bra with no breast forms and it looks quite feminine. I could probably hide them under loose shirts or baggy sweatshirts, but I'm at the point now where I can't wear a properly-fitting T-shirt without them being noticed.

Plenty of guys have moobs. Your boobs have to be pretty darn large before you can no longer hide them with appropriate clothing.

[docrobbysherry]

Counseling. For u both. Why? Go, and it should become clear.

[Charleston]

Thank you everybody for your input and your ears. I did a whole bunch of research yesterday and we had a good long heartfelt talk. We have talked about all the possible options and ways to progress. The reality of actual steps that can be taken and more knowledge of where he wants to be has really helped to settle both of us. I feel so relieved to have finally broken through to be able to have had this conversation and feel so much admiration and love for my partner as he is finally stepping towards an acceptance of who he is. We have found a couple gender therapists in the area and are saving up to hopefully do a few sessions in the near future.
Thank you